Last message...

I scavenged around the house yesterday…
Looking for relics from my childhood days’ or
even for treasures that have turned junk over the years,
just to pass the time.

I found my old photo album hidden underneath piles of old notes.
Sticking out from one of its pages was a leaf-bookmark I received
back when I was in matric...
herm…ancient.

Flipped through its pages without thinking…
Occasionally laughing like an idiot…
Spent about 2 hours on it alone.

Next to the album, was a hardcover book…
With a large sticker of Mickey’s head stamped at the front.
My old diary.
More than words had poured across its pages – I mean, literally.
Rose petals, a broken moon key-chain, several letters, cards, a pendant,
pictures, newspaper scraps, postcards, bookmarks, coupons, stickers,…

Oh God, it’s embarrassing…
Felt like I was watching a video – fast rewound – into high school days.
With me, being stupid acting in all of the plots.
Haa ~

I came across a section for messages and autograph at the end of the book.
I’ve forgotten that I used to collect these…
Running around the classroom at the end of the year…
demanding my friends to write them…
Girls’ ran at least half a page each, but boys’…
just a scratch across the page.

Out of these scribbled-noodles, one stands out the most.
It is a most peculiar signature of all.
I remember him signing it for me before he moved away.
It was on the last day of our form 2 year.

We started out as enemies at first.
With yelling and quarrelling being the usual scenes…
I’m amazed at how we ended as friends after all of that.
We often chatted on IRC in the mornings before school.

…CherryBlossom…Yuri…

He signed, “Hore”.
At least, that’s how it appears to me.
I was disappointed at the time…
With him leaving…signing something not even close to his name…
No message…like a lame joke.

Then, we parted ways and I
simply forgotten about it until a friend of mine snatched the book away,
a year later.
She opened the autograph section and said,
“Hey, doesn’t this looks like ‘I love you’ to you?”
She was pointing at the “Hore” scribble…

Herm…
It is all in the past now…
Whatever it might means, the memory is still
and will always be a sweet one.

Our last chat together…when we got disconnected for which I thought
was not forever…
I wish I had known it then...
what it might mean…
then perhaps, I would've replied you differently…

***

CB : hye…
Yuri : hi…
CB : how r u?
Yuri : 5...so how school?
CB : really, really sucks!
Yuri : y?
CB : u knw…I don’t like the boyz…
Yuri : which class r u in?
CB : 3 A
Yuri : mayb…it sucks a bit.
CB : a lot, I tell ya
Yuri : I think, last yr 2 B is the best…
CB : yupz, best class I evr had…
Yuri : me too…d people…d fun we had…
CB : ur rite…
Yuri : I bet d class wont b as interesting without me…
CB : mayb…just an itsy bitsy bit.
Yuri : ic………………………
-Disconnected-
***

Before calling quits on the ‘expedition’…
I decided to put both the album and the book away neatly,
alongside my favorite novels…
instead of the rabbit hole under the bed.

They were my best findings ever…

to have something...

To have someone that you could ask stupid questions to…

To have someone that you could call in the middle of the night…

To have someone that you could gossip and share secrets with…

To have someone just to hang out…
Swapping CDs during exam week…
Sharing a bar of chocolate and a bag of chips,
Sitting by the window - chatting…

A friend that you can be mad at a lot,
but never hate.

A friend that is like a magician…
Makes you forgive and forget.

Like a person with ESP…

To have a friend is great.
And even with just this…is enough.

plain tired...

After all of my classes were over yesterday…
After an early dinner…
I slept for 14 hours straight – not waking even once, throughout.

As uneventful as it might seem to you…my everyday life that is.
It was actually, quite an awful rollercoaster ride.
It was a laugh – yesterday – felt almost ridiculous.
One problem snowballed after another – it took a really
huge toll on my mind and body.

I tried crying but it seemed that my tear ducts were off duty yesterday.
Tried talking about it. The words came as close as my throat…
Then, it got jammed there – unable to get out.
Tried to do all kinds of things…but in the end,
I was just plain tired.

This might sound a bit cliché,
but it did felt as if light has gone out from the world.
Though that effect was not realized until later when
I accidentally bumped into a friend whom I haven’t seen for a while…
We shook hands and the first thing she said was,
“Wow! Your hands are so cold!”

I think, it was not only ‘light’ that has gone out yesterday…
I was almost ‘soul-less’…

I switched off all the lights, silenced my hand phone…
I locked the door and windows…
Smoothed over the bed covers…placed my spectacles on the bedside table…
Pulled over the blankets – enveloped by darkness.
Within seconds, I drifted off to sleep.

I’m all wide awake now.
Been sitting in front of the laptop for an hour
…writing this piece of post.
Herm…can’t say that I’m thoroughly cured and that
my energy has been completely restored…
But I do feel slightly better…
And what’s more, I have no longer felt dark inside.

Feel like I’ve cheated – getting through the tough spots –
by sleeping.
Still…I’m glad for not being broken down.

Well, what the hell…living is trying and trying is living.
Last night might be my one-day Dark Age,
but today,
I’m starting my Renaissance.

Paper Airplanes

Writing down about life on pieces of paper.
Folding them into hundreds of paper airplanes.
Sitting over the edge on top of a tall building.

With the wind blowing, the sun ablaze…

And simply without a care in the world…
sending each and every one of them sailing
across the sky to only-God-knows-where.

If only life were that easy,
I chuck a reasonable portion of mine everywhere, every time.
But like I said,
if life were only that easy…
If only life is plain – just black and white.

I’m older now.
Perhaps wiser, I don’t know…
But those dark spots in life have taught me many things…
If anything, it forms a part of who I am today…
Maybe, not as noble or as excellent – I have my broken pieces.
Well, at least…I’m easily distinguishable and far better off
than those ‘animals’ on TV.

I need them to appreciate the things that I have…
And to have the strength to work hard to have the things
which I want but don’t have.
Huh.
On my own pace, I’ll find them all in good times.

The scenery from up here is indeed beautiful.
Heck, this is stupid.
But it’s fun, so what the hell.
Life can afford being stupid sometimes –
and this is it.

I’ll chuck the paper airplanes as hard as I can…
Hope it can lessen the weight I’m carrying.

Then like always…
Pick myself up, to live tomorrow.

one year from today

One text message, one smile.
One song – to accompany the dead silent night.

One cake, one birthday card.
One candle – to light up a lonely heart.

One picture, one blue-dress.
One hopeful wish – to rejoice a, one-sweet day.

One pink bracelet, one jar of cookies.
One friendship – to last forever.

One ice-blended chocolate, one cup of milk.
One place – to feel like home.

One black spectacle, one sneaker.
One backpack, one girl.

One year from today – one dream.

COLOURS

Darkness is the sky without a sun.
Almost black.
Alone – no sound.


Purple is the secret world separating night and day.
Only a line-thick across the horizon.
Stunning but shy – last only for moment’s glances…


Green is the wave of leaves against cool-morning dews.
A blanket of calmness.
A deep sigh – burden is lifted.


Blue, is the sky painted with a colorful rainbow.
Reassuring – a point of certainty in a mess of unpredictable.
Always there – blowing kisses to onlookers.


And red, is the three special words said to him.
Thunderous. Chemical reaction. Spontaneous.
But honest. Sincere. Heartfelt.
*blushing*


White is the dandelions along with our wishes in the wind.
Pure.
A has-been-innocence – when we were little kids…


The world is colorful.
My eyes and brain tell me that it is beautiful.
But sometimes… like today…
Black is how I feel inside.

But…
This song… “COLOURS”…
Which I keep listening to repeatedly,
Its lyrics and melody…

Eyes close.
Heart beats in-synch with its rhythm…
Its soft-beauty is contagious…a blend of colors.

I want to drown in its world for a while longer.

make-up

i guess, i've arrived at the age
where i'm suppose to put on some make-up
before i went out...
or meeting new people...

most of my friends are beginning to familiarize themselves
with variety of make-up products.
or maybe they've been so...a long time ago.

even for the usual classes,
i can see traces of eyeliner and blusher on their faces.
they hook on to colored lenses recently.
and without rea;izing it, i'm now one of the few
who are left wearing glasses.

i wonder...
will i ever change?
i had put on some make-up before...
i had put on lenses a couple of time before...
but each time...it took so much effort...
felt too alienated...
i don't think i'll ever wear it again.

applying foundation and face powder...
put on the eyeliner and mascara...
and then,the blusher-gently rub against your cheek-apple.
lastly, your listick.

when trying to look beautiful for someone special...
this kind of tedious work comes naturally.

for now, maybe not for me.
i prefer my glasses and my hats.
at least...for now.

E.S.P

i read an article about E.S.P once...
out of curiosity.

it says how people with special ability possibly exits,
only that it is really rare.
maybe, just one in a million.
i'm not sure, i read it a long time ago.

but i think, all of us have that kind of ability...
not as powerful...
but enough to know,
that the girl sitting across you is interested in that boy...
enough to know that something's wrong with your best friend...
enough to show the people we love that we care.

and sometimes, suddenly received a call when you really needed
someone to to be there.

i think, that can be counted as psychic.
what do you think?

between you in me,
i think my mom's been channeling my stomach...
she knows exactly what i want to eat every time,
without me ever telling her.

hehehehehe ;)

3 hours and 30 minutes

taken by kaho152's from flickr.com

Boarding the train at the same station these passed three years…
Almost always standing at the same spot by the door…
looking out through the glass panel…
not really seeing…but reminiscing.

Accompany by an mp3 player…
The songs played like the OST of life…
Images after images keep flashing in mind’s eyes…
As if in a video clip
Unfolding a lifetime’s worth of history.

And like always…
counting the stops it makes before arriving at my station to home.

Been going through the same path for 3 years now…
I can see my face reflected on the window.
Suddenly, it dawn on me.
I’m lost not because I don’t have a map.
It is because I don’t have a destination.

this ritual of mine...

taken by WillyCoolPics from flickr.com

I’ve lived through this scene before…
Alone, in the dead of night –
Tip-toed into the kitchen,
Pulled a glass of cold-drink from the fridge…
Sitting at the bottom of the staircases,
Drinking, and thinking things.

Since I was a little,
this has always been a little ritual of mine…
to escape others – to escape reality.
Feels like it is a gateway to my own world,
where it is just me and no one else.

At this time of night,
I can sense that the others are sound asleep in their beds…
Curl under warm blankets – envelope by their dreams.
Their time ticks softly, waiting to embrace the new day ahead
whereas mine on the other hand…
feels like it is at a stand still.
As if by some spell – has stopped completely.

I creep back upstairs into my room…
Turn on my laptop, starts some music –
I’m in my own world.

this is me.

this is the first time
i've ever snapped a picture of myself.
i did once before...
but i deleted it soon after.

but i think, i'm ok now.
taking pictures is not bad...actually kinda fun.
especially when you are with your friends.

i know enough of myself now.
i know what i like and i know what i don't like.
i know what i want to do with my life.
i know why i did the things i do.
i know what my heart is saying to me.

no more pretending.
no more lying to self.

this is me.
i shouldn't be ashamed of myself.

although my puzzle is not yet completed...
the future is unpredictable....but...
i'll be true to myself all the way.

this is me.

days with granddad...

it has been more than 10 years since i last saw my Grandma.
i didn't even realize that it had been that long...
until Dad pointed it out to me
on the morning of the 3rd Raya,
before we set out for Kuala Lumpur
- to visit Grandma.

"Do i really have to go?"
"Yes, you should."

for some reason, i stopped going
after Granddad passed away.
...i was 9.

he was a man of few words...
i remember always watching him...
tagging along in his wake wherever he went.

he always spent his mornings reading newspaper
on his favorite chair by the door.
in his usual white sleeveless-shirt and sarong...
sometimes, smoking his pipe...
he would slowly read the newspaper, occasionally stopping,
to take a sip of his black coffee from his
dark-blue mug.

i was always on the floor busying over my coloring books,
while Mom kept hollering in the background for me
to eat breakfast.

my Granddad was a very neat man.
every time he went out,
he was never without his brown-leather shoes,
tailored pants and white-stripped shirt.
i can still remember the smell of his cologne...
funny...after all these years...

my Granddad loved having black coffee with dry biscuits for supper.
he would have them in the kitchen at midnight
when everyone else was sleeping.
i, on the other hand, crept out of bed
as soon as Mom and Dad fell asleep.

at first, i would just peer at him from the opposite side of the table.
not sitting, not moving. not saying anything.
he drank the black coffee hot - steam rising
from the dark-blue mug, visible against the cold night air.

"want some too?"
i simply nodded.
few minutes later,
i sat down beside him - drinking Horlicks and munching away dry biscuits.
although we never said much,
but the silence was always comfortable - never restless nor awkward.

the days that i spent with my Granddad
will always be a part of memory growing up.
and even now, i still think of him
as i sat down for a hot drink at night.

i am many things

while waiting for the time to go to class...
i lay down - spread-eagle -
on the floor of my room.
i closed my eyes for a couple of minutes...
stopped thinking,stopped feeling, stopped moving...
just doing nothing.
just be.

i left the laptop on before i played dead.
the song, 'Gift' by Mr.Children was playing...
somehow...lying on the floor and listening to the song...
calmed me.

i noticed things inside my room which i hadn't notice before.
...i guess, i hadn't been in-touch with the world in a while now..
i even stopped writing.

there's a large 'spider web' on the ceiling...
an almost empty air-freshener can...
a jar of stale biscuits...
shoe boxes from the last shopping trip...
last july.

i've been trying to decipher myself and my feelings,
but only to reach a dead end.
i got into a hole and couldn't get out.

but now, i think things are not that complicated.
i complicated on my own.

after staring at the ceiling for20 minutes...
i realized that i am many things.
i change.
i grow.
i am a hundred different shades of colour.

i think, if i stick true to myself...
i'll be just fine.
even the darkest color of me - black - is still a part of me.

my diseased heart

my heart has contracted a disease.
and it's dying - fast.

do you know how the saying goes that
'Time will heal everything'?
i think it's a lie.
because i've accumulated more damage over the years.
i'm far from being healed...
so, tell me
how does it work really?

the disease seems to be progressing quite rapidly.
slowly, my heart is beginning to loose its ability to trust people.

how does it that people gets closer each day..
but i'm the only one that keeps drifting farther away?
i guess my heart must be nearing its end now...

my advise for you is that...
if your heart is ill like mine
please find a way to heal its pain immediately
don't ignore it like i did...

don't let it be too late...

....with my friend.

i went to the PC fair yesterday with my friend.
before that, we had a discussion about our assignment.
since both were lazy to bring our own laptop...
we had to crash onto someone else's class to 'borrow' a computer.
in the end, got hauled off by their lecturer...
i guess our undercovers got blown off.

hopped onto the bus...
chatting merrily about the kind of mp3 that we want to buy.
i've been wanting to buy one since forever and...
she kept losing hers all over the place.
this one will be her 5th mp3.

we browsed - taking in the price, the brand, the design...
finally found one -SONY.
we kept bargaining like aunties at the market...
agreed on the deal - we bought the SONY.
laughing our heads off for the fact that our pockets were considerably lighter than a couple of minutes ago.

then, went for a bite at the pantry.
both bought pizzas with milo...
sitting together...chatting...laughing...

it was fun.
everytime...with my friend, it'll be fun.

weirdo me...

I seldom change what I ate during mealtimes.
I prefer to frequent the same mall when I want to shop.
I still love vanilla the best despite other new flavors.
I like daisy instead of a rose.
I prefer sitting at home than just simply going out without a reason.
I still play with the soap bubbles even though, I’m now 22.
I love eating French fries dip in vanilla ice-cream.
I could stay awake for a day just to finish a Korean drama series.

Ha……………………….
What a weirdo, huh?

But this is who I am.
Believe me, I’ve tried changing some of them
But failed miserably.

I have my own reasons for doing things that I do and
For liking the things that I cherish.
I’ve given up trying to make people understand along time ago.
Because in the end, what I think and how I feel will count the most.

…when I was little, I used to play soap bubbles with my best friend everyday…
I even played soap bubbles with my students on my last day at school.
They bought several bottles of soap bubbles just to make me happy me….
The scenery as the bubbles float around the room…with my students laughing…was simply beautiful.
It was even magical.

So……………
I don’t think I’ll ever given up on the soap bubbles now.
As a matter of fact, never for any of them.

my sister's wedding

My sister got married last May…
At first…I intended to write something about her wedding in my blog.
But obviously, I’ve failed to do so.
We’re already reaching the end of July.

The feelings are there…but somehow, the words…
Are lost.
I can’t seem to be able to gather them
- to put them into sentences –
To compose a meaningful post…

I do meet up with my brother-in-law occasionally…
on the weekends when my sister came home for a visit.
But if truths are to be told…
I still can’t see the difference.
Everything looks the same to me.
…except, that I have to kiss his hand now, every time we say goodbye.

Part of me is still in disbelief, I guess…
Even though, I did witnessed everything…
Helped with some of the preparations…
Watched her getting her make-up done…
I was even there for the ‘akad nikah’.

Do you know what went through my mind as I wrote this post, sister?
Yes, I know you are reading this.
I remembered the night we slept in front of the tv in the living room…
It was a long time ago…
We’ve made a list of your boyfriends, haven’t we?
….
I am glad that your list did continue until it found S.

Since mine never did continue after the first…
So I’m glad yours did.
Glad that you never give up.

I know it’s late…but congratulation, sis…
So…when is the baby coming?

- the end -

pieces of a glass ball...

i read in a book once...
that happiness is like picking up pieces of a broken glass ball.
some will be able to collect many...
some only a little...
but along the way, there's must be someone who'll get hurt.

what do you think?

feels true though....

cleaning up 'life'?

I cleaned up my room yesterday.
Put in a couple of new furniture…
…a small table…a book shelf…two pots of flowers
…and a new rug – now, the floor’s no longer felt cold underneath the skin.

I unearthed a couple of boxes stocked away under the bed…
Found an old notebook with many scribbles on its margin…
Notes of past lectures…complaints at the bottom…
Some poems that I wrote myself…
Some appointments no longer of importance…
Along with a couple of sketches to pass the time.

Discovered past memories…
Reunited with old forgotten feelings.

Everywhere…I saw traces of yesterdays.
This is how it was like for me…these passed couple of years.
Things that I have collected along the way…
People that I met…
Memories that I have gathered.

I still loving the music and…
I still love writing.
Some things just don’t changed…
Still optimistic and fabulously single…
No other picture beside the family photo on the table.

I guess, it’s not just the room that needs a little bit of cleaning…
It was me who needs some tidying up.

Understanding one’s own stance.
Preparing for tomorrow…

9 weeks...

Today’s date is 28th of July, 2009.
I am back at campus after 9 weeks stint of practical course.
The ‘me’ two months ago, felt that this day was like a million years away.
The ‘me’ two months ago, would have never expected that those 9 weeks will become part of an important chapter in my life.

Arriving at the familiar gate of the university…
Seeing posters and banners hung everywhere for the coming convocation day…
It’s that time of the year again….

Instead of feeling welcomed,
the faces of everything around felt cold.
Almost foreign.
And as I go deeper inside this, now an alien land…
The memories of those 9 weeks keep getting farther away from me…
As if of another person’s story…
The weeks…the days…felt surreal.

But as I listen to a rendition of Hujan – “Ku Mahu Kau Tahu” by my students that I’ve recorded on my cell…
I know that those 9 weeks were real.
And as I received calls from them…
I know that those 9 weeks were real.

The ‘me’ two months ago would have never known just how much I love teaching…
Just how much I love my students.

...in a far away place...

every time i make a telephone call to someone...
and then, that person didn't pick it up...
or i only reach his or her voicemail...
or the call is out of range...

it always makes me feel as though that person is in a far away place...
a happy place - a place not within my reach.

the reason might simply be that the person is busy...
or out of prepaid and so on and so forth.
but still...a small feeling of being forgotten lingers...

it's stupid huh?

never alone...

one of my close friend describe me as someone who treasure and appreciate solitude.
he said that, although i enjoy others company... but at the same time, i also look comfortable just being by myself.

i've never given it much thought before...but i do enjoy walking by myself...
with my mp3 popped in and ready...that alone is enough.

the word 'loneliness'...to me, is just an excuse.
...a hallucination to hide the feeling of insecurity...
...a shield to avoid from getting hurt...
......

how can you be alone when there's so much people in the world.
family who cares...
family who asks for nothing in return...
or...
friends who share the same thoughts as yours...
friends with the same interests...
friends who would picked up the phone in the middle of the night...

you only need to put in some effort...
so never say that you are alone.

my feet...

i used to be so proud of my feet. they used to be so fair and soft...
they are the only part of my body that i am proud of.
but now, not anymore and as i look at them...
i can only see hard ridges and dead skin.

it is no longer as it once used to be.

i used to love black sandals because the contra makes my feet looks a lot fairer.
but now, black only makes them look darker.

one of my toenails is chipped off.
i guess that's the result when you have to walk everywhere you go.

hrmmm.....my poor feet, you're sure have gone a long way, haven't you?
i hope you are up to more of walking from now on.

because i have a bunch of new places to see.

every ridges and hard lines...
reminds me of places that i've been to
i can't help but smile
and as i feel the hardness with my hands...
i feel like i've grown.

.....

.....the picture fits my emotions at the moment....
.....no need for words.....
.....it feels 'alive'.....

my everydays in indonesia... (day 2)

11th May, 2009.
Monday: First day in Gontor Putri 1 – visiting KMI

5.00 am:
We woke up precisely 5.00 am in the morning so as not to be late for our 6.00 o’clock appointment with Ustazah Rosma. For your information, 6.00 am in the morning is like 8.00 am in Malaysia - the sun, astonishingly is already out at this hour. We went for a walk around the school. Then, we had some breakfast at the cafeteria. The noodles here are actually instant noodles. So…we had instant noodles for breakfast. Funny isn’t it? And not to mention, downright weird?

9.00 am:
The Ustazahs here are all so kind and so helpful. They are too kind to the point where we felt embarrassed and ashamed with ourselves. Although we insisted on walking to KMI(one of school's block) ourselves, they still fetched us at Wisma before going there. it's only like 100m away...it's absurd, isn't it?

Upon arriving at KMI, we were introduced to Ustazah Fitri and Ustazah Richa to explain about the academic sector in Gontor Putri 1. i was shocked to learn that Fitri is 2 years younger than me...talk about a blow to the heart! Oh well...what's the big deal, i've been told that i have a baby face? hahahahahahah....just joking =)

8.00 pm:
Since, their hospitality is too great and far more than we deserved, the four us vowed to be useful for the remaining days of our stay here. We spent the rest of the day discussing about the report – preparing questions for the next interview session, ideas for our activities here, lesson plan and also a rough draft of our report.

10.30 pm:
Fast asleep in bed - like a rock. zzzzzzzz

my everydays in indonesia... (day 1)

10th May, 2009
Sunday: Date of departure.

No matter what people say about Indonesia…no matter how reassuring my lecturers’ words are – even on the night of my departure; I still couldn’t fully accept the fact that I’ll be spending 5 whole weeks in Gontor for my practical teaching. Just the thought of it send my brain and heart straight into distress. Frankly speaking, I’ve never been on a plane before – hell, I’ve never even been to KLIA before either (please forgive me for using such crude words). So just imagine how I feel as I step onto that grey shiny pavement of the airport entrance for the first time in my life – I was out of my element.

3.20 am:
My sister and brother-in-law taught me through everything. We got on smoothly to the check-in counter. Well, I bid my family goodbyes then off I went with Teah to continue our long journey. We got into a holdup at custom by which were resolved in a matter of seconds because before we realized what the problem was, they’ve already chucked our mineral bottles into the bin. I felt sad…well, at least let us have a gulp before ceremoniously throwing them.

We waited for about 10 minutes at the delegation area before boarding the plane. It was pretty intimidating because for once, we are the minority and not the majority. I still can’t quite shake the feeling of insecurity and anxiety every time I hear Indonesian language being spoken around me. To me they have always represented one image only and that is.... Hope my journey will prove that it is not so. And I also hope that I too, will change and gain something from it.

7.00 am:
I kind of enjoy the light-floating feeling when you are on a plane. The take-off was simply exhilarating! I enjoy it tremendously! The view from above is indeed different – it was God-sent. After two hours of dozing off – at approximately 9.40 am Indonesian time – we arrived in Solo city.

9.40 am (from this point forward, the time is referring to Indonesia time):
We got off fine…filled in a couple of forms for swine flu and all. But a few minutes later, the situation took a sudden up-turn for the worst with five of us being hailed into the immigration office due to some problems with our visa. We were allowed only to stay for 30 days in Gontor if not we have to pay a fine for over-stay worth 200000 rp per day. At that point, we thought that it was still okay even if we have to pay a million for the extra 5 days we trespassed on their land but the threat of putting us into prison was really over the belt. We called Dr. Jamil and then, changed the flight home for 8th June instead of 14th June.

10.30 am:
After everything was settled, they were already waiting for us at the main lobby equipped with a banner with all of our names on it. For some reason, the ‘wan’ in my name aroused curiosity in some of them… it took about 2 hours to reach Mantingan Putri 1. The scenery that we passed by – although a lot of it are not that different from Malaysia – but there still a distinct difference between the two country. For one thing, the drivers here – I must say – are really ‘expert’ drivers. Obviously, there is no system or regulations when it comes to road safety. The drivers just honked at each other when they want to move; no signal whatsoever. I nearly got a heart-attack when our van drove straight through a bus and a car on a two lane road. They just kept on honking…

12.00 am:
Along the way, we stopped for a while at a ‘Rumah Makan’ for lunch. I got my first experience with Indonesian food there. Honestly, it is not that different from Malaysian food; there was rendang, ikan bakar, ayam goreng and ikan goreng. Of course there were other dishes, but it looked too suspicious to be consumed…so...... I braced my self to try ‘soda gembira’. Thankfully, it tasted similar with our sirap bandung but instead of using water, they used soda.

1.30 am:
We came to Gontor prepared for the worse since Pn. Hamidah has warned us of its condition. Needless to say, the size and weight of our luggage exceed the range of typical traveler. If we were to stay there for a year, from my point of view, it wouldn’t be a big problem. Our accommodation is actually very comfortable – it is called Wisma – guest houses equip with 2 beds, a cupboard, fan, and an indoor toilet (thank, God). We spent the next couple of hours sleeping since we were too tired from the journey and also for the fact that we didn’t sleep a wink the night before coming to Gontor. I guess, some of our heads must have lolled occasionally inside the van on our way to Wisma since they asked us cordially to have a long good rest.

8.30 pm:
After dinner, we went for 'keliling' which actually means taking a stroll around the compounds. All the while, we were pretty much astounded to see all of the students there studying diligently…literally everywhere! You can find them memorizing Arabic lines under the lamp post, by the side of the road, by the corridor, under some tree, by the field…everywhere there would be students reciting their lessons. 'Ustazah' (teacher) will 'ronda' (walk around) checking up on the students to make sure that they maintain their focus in the study and of course to answer any questions that the students might have. Ustazah Rosma and Ustazah Arina kindly pointed to us the names of the buildings there and also explained the daily routines or traditions in Gontor.

10.30 pm:
Still not recovered from the journey, we went straight to bed. And oh…the school starts at 6 in the morning………zzzzzzzzzzzz

i'll be coming home...

My flight home is scheduled for Monday, 8.55 am.
...just the thought of going home...
caused an explotion of emotions down in the pit of my stomach.

by Monday, it'll be exactly 30 days since i last left for Indonesia.

i was weary at first in my quest to search for meanings...
to learn something new...
to understand more of this world...

i was afraid that my journey to Indonesia would be wasted away - unnoticed.

but when i met my first group of students...
all needless worries and doubts faded away as fleeting as footprints in the sand.
something erupted in my heart.

- to be continued -

an important change in life....

starting next weekend, i will embark on a new adventure...

i don't know how it'll affect me but i have a good feeling that i'll return home as someone new.

i might be abscent from the blogging world for some time...so...

please, wait for me.

eventhough we are only half way through 2009...

but these last few months have been the most memorable ones for me.

i don't know how to explain it but....

right now...right at this moment...i feel like i'm finally 'free'.

i am free to live life the way i want it to be.

i just got my international pasport few weeks ago.....

the feeling of holding it in my hands is undescribable.

feels as though the whole world is within my grasp....

i will make sure to use it well.

so...take care, guys.

hope life won't be too hard on you...take a breather when it becomes to hard.

then, start again.

see you soon.

love, moonshin.

when dreams end

when do dreams end?
have you ever asked yourself this question before?

i used to think that when you failed, then the dreams will end.

but now thinking back on it...that's totally wrong.

dreams end only when you stop dreaming.
don't you agree?

the moment when you feel like giving up, is actually the moment when you can't the most.
that moment might be the one that will change everything.

all grown up?

i SEEK a lot of reassurance and answers from others....
especially, my Dad.

'will everything be okay?' .... 'do you think it's okay to do that?'
'i don't know what i want to do with my life...i don't know what i want to be'
'am i doing this right?' .... 'what should i do?'
........................

a call from home would usually remedied everything.
my injured pride. my disappointments. my confusions. my hurt.
- always recharge my energy to max -

but without realizing when...and how...
the word SEEK has changed to SOUGHT.
now, the calls and the long talk failed to bring the comfort that it used to give me.

my worries. my doubts. my sadness.
i have recognized them all as mine - i take responsibility for them from now on.
knowing that others can only help so much.... knowing that life is too precious to be wasted away...
knowing that i have so much to be grateful for... knowing that there must be a place for me out there...
gives me courage to face the world - to make my own decisions.
and that brings so much more satisfaction than i thought it would give me.

is it because i'm all grown up now?
just the thought of it makes me laugh.

....rain?

The weather is so hot...

yes..i can barely stand it myself. Go sit in front of the fan, it'll cool you off.

No...is it still hot. Now I'm starting to sweat like a pig.
Dad, when will it rain?

I don't know...but it sure doesn't look like it'll rain today though....

i remembered him going out of the house after that....
then, a couple of minutes later...i saw rain pouring outside of the window. The sky was vivid blue - no sign of gray clouds or anything...but still, it was raining. Curious, i popped my head out of the window. There...standing on the lawn, my Dad was holding a hose - pointing straight up unto the roof.

feel better?

yeah...totally.

Ha....it is sure hot today too....maybe later, i'll phone home =)

'Proud' by TVXQ

As i listen to the song's melody...as i delve into its lyrics...
and all the while, reflecting on the journey that they have gone through to get to where they are now...
to be able to stand on that stage...
singing 'Proud' in front of thousands of people...
living their dreams...

my tears...just won't stop falling.

Knowing their past lives...the hardships...the pain...
leaving home with just hopes and dreams...
....they were only 14.

to see them now - on that stage - it's a miracle.
it's a miracle.

thank you...now i know...
dreams do come true....

i'm happy ! =)

i've just received the Renee Award from Delwyn!
i am so happy and... so honored.
i must say that i didn't expect to see my name along with the others.
.........
thank you, Delwyn.
thank you always for your support, guidance and kind encouragement.

....means a lot to me...
i'm keeping it along with my other treasures =)

you and me and the sky

i took this picture earlier while i was going out.
can you see the thin-white line stretched across the sky?
it was actually, one of those small airplanes - with thick-white smoke coming out of their end -
sending 'sky' messages....to whom, i do not know.

a sudden thought hit me while i was looking at it....

at that moment, i wondered.... how many people were looking at the same patch of sky like me?
feels as if we're all connected...somehow.
staring aimlessly at the sky...wondering what's the line for...

the thought overwhelmed me....
the simplicity as well as the beauty of life - telling us that we are never really alone.

there are other people at the other end of the white line.
a promise hung in the air, that we'll meet someday.
because that is just how the world is....sometimes things just happen.
they just happen.

my first love? crush?

Today, i watched a Korean variety show - 'Come to play' on you-tube. One of the guest artists was TVXQ, so...you can only imagine how excited i was to see them! They talked about a lot of things and one of them was about love - their first love and their ideal kind of woman.

listening to them sharing their stories.... reliving past memories of their first love... i could clearly see the happiness written on their faces.

As if they were back being high school boys... Occasionally, smiling shyly to the far end of the room...stumbling on a few words....looking down at their hands...eyes shining like the stars - so innocent and sincere.

at that moment...i could almost feel their happiness...
and they reminded me of how it felt to be in love - such bliss...

Watching them... makes me want to fall in love again (wow, i can't believe i'd just admit that...). it was a long time ago that i just forgot about how happy being in love can make you feel. Funny how after all this time, now....there was never another after my first love, you see...the feelings never came again....

Problems + element x = life

what do you think of my newly 'baked' equation regarding the mystery of life?
straight out of the oven!
well...maybe not 'mystery' ...... a fact of life?

problems + problems + problems + element X = life

ridiculous? ....or perhaps it is something that you can connect with?
herm...

life is like a sink with a drain...
(now that i think about it, every sink has a drain. DUH).

problems keep pouring in like water through pipes...
the sink will try to hold them off, but only for so long...
then after a while, down they go into the drain.

all of the craziness - solved or unsolved problems - they gotta go somewhere, right?
so...some would choose to ignore 'the laden amount of water'...others just 'let it go shooosh into the drain.
take your pick. its your 'sink'.

How you 'manage' your sink will influence your 'element X'.
what is element X?
you tell me.

come on guys...there must be something that you 'gained' out of the 'mess'...
if the 'sink' needs repairing, it is an EXTRA if the plumber happens to be someone hot.
what? am i wrong?

you decide the X.
because the X and along with the 'problems' can make your LIFE meaningful.
you just need to see deeper into the 'water'. =)

life's journey

most people i know, hate the public transportation. well...at times, i do too. especially, during peak hours like around midday and in the evening. the situation is even worse on festive holidays... it's like a war. without a certain level of mind preparation, i doubt that you'll survive the journey. public transportation is indeed, not meant for those who are weak at heart. i am certainly not exaggerating, i am merely telling the truth (well, maybe a little).

however, even with the 'pushing', 'shoving', 'eyes rolling', 'bad odor' and sometimes 'mechanical problems'....i have come to love the public transportation. i enjoy riding the bus and the commuter. it's not weird.....is it?

i simply enjoy the rides. i love sitting by the window and looking into the outside world....to me it feels safe. honestly, i kind of looking forward to the journey home by bus. to me, it symbolizes the current state that i am in; in the middle, still searching for a goal...a destination in life. i find myself immediately at calm during those numbered hours - to think life through - slowly deciding which way i should be going next.

in less than a month, i will experience a 'new ride' into a whole 'new world'...wonder how my perspective and view on life will change then...or will it not change at all? i, honestly do not know.

liking the 'me' inside...

i used to have this image in my mind...
an image of the kind of a person that i want to be.

but after having learned and realized the truth,
that i am far from being that person...
instead of feeling frustrated and disappointed,
i felt liberated instead.

the outcome has indeed, surprised me.

i am beginning to feel more and more comfortable inside my own skin.

'nobody is perfect' - yep, i hear it loud and clear.

i accept the 'bad' as well as the 'good' in me.

black n white....

These are a few sketches that i have made...

i have always love the trees... many of my paintings or sketches are of trees.
there is something about them...so calming and mysterious.
almost like a time capsule...
recording our lives...
stood at the far corner...as an observer.
as a witness.


well...this one is my portrayal of a person's brain.
so complicated....
fragile...but yet simple?

hermn....the mood was kind of 'hard' and 'confusing' at that time, so....


and this is one of the old one....back when i was in my first year of study.
inspired by a japanese anime i watched at that time.

............................
so...........................................
i would really appreciate your comments =)

my last painting...

it has been a couple of years since i last drew anything.

hard to believe that there was a time in the past...
when i was never without a sketch book and a pencil by my side.

i guess, that part of me has moved on...
evolved into other new windows of opportunity and possibilities
waiting for me to discover.

however...the truth remains that...
i can't seem to be able to put my finger at anything in specific.
i've been wanting to find something that could drive me full speed into the limitless world...
to live only for dreams...
and to be able to say "Yes, this is what i want to do with my life"

i'm confused.
i'm afraid.

will i ever find the life that i wanted?

Eat cakes =)

Have you ever wondered why a cake is simply a must in celebrations?
at birthdays..on festivals...
when you won a competition...got a promotion....
at times like these, the table is never without a cake.

chocolate cake....sponge cake...layered cake....
ice-cream cake....fruits-and-jello cake...wedding cake?
herm....
my favorite is definitely Secret Recipe's
the one and only...
espresso-cheesecake!

you could bribe me for anything using that cake....mmmmnm =)

tell me, what's your favorite?

there's a long story behind my cheese cake...and it all started with the opening of Secret Recipe's branch near my house.
should i call it a blessing or a curse?
i hold them responsible for the extra pounds i gained...
them..and those cakes...delicious cakes....
it's an addiction.

now, i restrict myself to buy only a slice just on rare occasions.
when i have something really really special to celebrate.....
i take it as a gift i give myself for a job well done.

how about you?
what is your 'cake' story?