afternoon musing

26/8, 5.15pm

I’m happy but at the same time, I’m scared.
I’m scared if I feel too happy, it’ll jinx all the good things away.
I seldom get what I want...
Even when I really want it, I don’t hope...
Hope will make things worse if it is not granted.

But today...
Today is so surreal that I spent hours, enveloped in my blanket...
Thinking that perhaps it is not real.
Just like every other times, when it is all just in my head.

I’m happy but I’m scared.
I received a message from her via FB couple of days ago.
I was really, really happy but I’m scared if I messed things up again.

Then...

At last I sent that sms.
Now, i know and understand why I feel the way i do.
I think I like him. Maybe.

After that...

I got a call telling that everything is being processed smoothly.
Looks like i’m really a lecturer now.
Still find it hard to believe it.

Later...

Dad wants to take me out scouting for my first car.
The only one I like is Honda CRZ hybrid.
Won’t take anything else but ‘him’.
His my ideal ‘companion’ when i start my new life next year.
Heheheheh....;)

A friend I met on the job interview, messaged me.
We chatted for a while.
Now, I don’t feel at all terrible going to a new place next year.
I’ll have my friend with me.

I’m writing my thesis in my room, overlooking a window...
I could hear clutters outside my room...
My Mom and Dad preparing to break fast.
Actually, I’ve stopped for now...
I’m sms-ing with him whose on the way back from work.

I’m happy. I’m grateful.
I’m scared before... thinking that I am not being grateful enough.
But after I’ve written this down, I feel it in my heart...
Yes, I am grateful.

(^ ^)/ fighting!

^^ good news

it is official...just received the letter today.
i'll start teaching after graduation next year at a university.
it's by the sea...so i kinda like it there.

i feel happy?
i feel relief?
mix of both, i guess.
I know it's hard to find work nowadays.
i am grateful. ^^

this is something that happens to me.
i hope everybody has sumthing good, sumthing happen, somewhere.
God bless ^^

one second

When the white curtains danced gently with the morning wind...
Within 5 short meaningless seconds you’d used to get through a door...
Which seconds do you think manage to capture the scene’s brilliance?

I think it was the third second when the sun hit the glass screen amidst the curtains halo...

Looking at a clutter on a desk...
a camera...couple of pencil studs – 6Bs...Sketch book...worn out eraser...and a London bus keychain.
Usual rubbish you’d find at any dreamer’s working place.
These common objects... in these moments...if wasted on a couple of snapshots...
Which do you think makes the best shot?

I think it was when the mind’s eyes see the person crouching low over the desk drawing an imaginary world, occasionally looking at the keychain...
A precious memento...
Makes the best shot of them all.
Just a split second as the thought passes through...before you captured it.

At times like these...sometimes I feel like I can stop time...
Or perhaps, is it just my processing ability a bit slow?
That I can see every second clearly?
The more accurate description I think...it is like I’m swimming in time.
Herm...I just made it worst with that. LOL.


Aside from this...this appreciation moments to see what there is and what they could be...
there are also seconds where I could make change...
seconds where I could avoid a person from getting hurt...
seconds where I could help remedy a sad heart...
seconds where I could make things better...
but most times too, I find myself unable to do so.

That sucks a lot of the time - it's frustrating.
I wish I could do something...
I always tell myself - stop being the observer...
it's hard...

but I'll never stop trying.
I want to understand...
I want to see things for what it is and what it could be...
I want to know a friend for what she is and what she could be...
I want to see the world for what it is and what it can offer.

never stop trying.
I'll live on every seconds I have.