Sunday, August 5, 2012

I will be

My VIVA went really well last Tuesday.
It was at 2.30 in the afternoon and I drove my own car over to the faculty.
6 hours worth of journey back-and-fro...
I made it home in time for dinner with my family.
Sounds ordinary to you?
It was beyond my wildest dreams, for me.
I was holding back on a lot of things before came Tuesday.
I just couldn’t move on...couldn’t act on any of my plans...couldn’t be happy and celebrate any of my good news...till I was sure my Master is in the bag.
To the society THAT is my worth.

My whole being - my very existence is my brain.
My qualification – my Master degree....for now.
That pays for my car, for my dreams, for my wish to be useful – for my everything.
Sounds pathetic?
Okay, maybe a little...

But I am very proud of myself for the fact that I earn every penny out of my own effort.
I am very grateful.
To be able to make a living out of something that I love; that, in itself is a form of joy.
From the past, I’ve learned that...
People; aren’t always kind.
Life; isn’t always fair.
Luck; isn’t always there.

I couldn’t recommend any of my students even though they are good because my opinions carry no values in comparison to those of a professor’s.
I couldn’t keep out ‘alien names’ from invading my own work because I needed the funding, ‘publicity’ and ‘network’.
It’s funny, really.

Some kept asking whether the car I’m driving is really mine.
They used to exclaim in great disbelief to discover I went around places by bus...
Others had been wondering out loud whether I have graduated or not.
They used to have the ‘modesty’ to talk in secret behind my back but now; they announced it at gatherings among old friends.

A little bit of explanation on my part might reduce the ‘white noise’ a bit, I guess.
But I have never been one that goes around asking people to understand and accept me.
They don’t see the whole of me just as I do them.
To me that’s makes it fair.
I’m living 24/7 and they based their judgment on me on a fraction of that time.
Logically thinking, how accurate and valid is that?
So why should I let it bother me?
What I know of my life and how I am; are facts to me.

It is a fact that I received many compliments on my dissertation.
It is a fact that a lot of people had congratulated me that day.
Upon hearing the result, I cried and was soon, embraced by my lecturers.
However, it is also a fact to me and only me that I had crossed yet another item on my bucket list and it was not my MA qualification.
I started my list 2 months ago after realizing that I am not getting younger.
I want to keep track on some that I have achieved and those that I haven’t...
I’ll be crossing out on two more comes October...maybe three.

People; aren’t always unkind.
Life; isn’t always unfair.
Luck; STILL isn’t always there.
Over-analysing things only make my head hurts when it shouldn’t.
So, I trust myself to make things happen and to better the present to make sense of the past and to brighten up the future.
I’ve passed the stage where I could only dream and do nothing...
Now, I can make things happen.
Let me tell you this that it had nothing to do with me getting my MA or whatever...
It was only because I decided to be.