Sunday, January 18, 2009

the sound of fear

As i walked along the familiar streets of the city...i watched...and i witnessed the makings of other people's lives.

The sounds that i heard from the surroundings...were also familiar. I walked with ease - i was cautious but i know no fear. I looked at the world different from those who have been touched by fear - fear of discrimination, fear injustice, fear of war, fear of violence - fear of death.

Am i lucky or plain ignorant?

But then again, if i listen close enough...allowing my heart to beat in-sync with the rest of everything...there are other sounds in the background which i have never heard before.
It was the sound of fear, wasn't it?

I watched people as they scurrying by - reading the fear off of their faces. Yes, i learned the existence of fear through someone else's life - not my own. And it scares me to think of the impact it will give me once i have been touched by it.

will i still be the same?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

life is indeed funny!

i remembered one telephone call that i had with my sister not too long ago... i don't know how it started... but we talked a lot about opportunity in life and how some people are more lucky than the others.

i have always believe that life is fair - we each have problems of our own and we each have our own share of happiness. we need them both to appreciate life and be thankful to God for the things that we have and not for the things that we haven't.

being raised by Mom and Dad, secure me enough to take on the world without being afraid that it might not turn out the way i expected it to be. growing up, they have taught me how to change a 'sad or bad' situation into a 'happy or funny' one...

if you see life as a joke, everything will be easier to handle. or so, my lecturer said. but half of the time, i think it's true.

as i thought that my life is becoming extremely boring...i got a chance to finish my practical in Indonesia! that is opportunity enough, don't you think?

life is indeed funny when it surprises you like that. i have never even dream of going there... but like i said, just be brave enough to take on the joke and you'll see where it'll take you.

so...Indonesia, here i come!!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

fragile heart

i wish to become stronger physically and emotionally. I want to be able to defend myself when the time arises. i want to be able to run to my heart's content.

i want to be a person with a firm mind - take responsibility for her words and actions. i do not want others' words to sway me easily.

i want to be able to dream with my eyes open but see with my eyes closed.
this is more than just a wish...i'll work it out somehow - to be the person i am and who i want to be.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

A dream for my little sister

once when i was little
i had my dreams snatched away from me
i failed to hold fast my dreams.
it went to another kid...
who is better and perhaps more worthy...
at that time...i know not.

this is the second time
i had my dreams snatched away from me.
but this time i did not hold fast my dreams.
but rather...i am the one who has found another.

little sister,
now, i will pass it down to you
this dream, you must make it come true.
you kept following my shadows only to discover your own.
now, i know.

sleep well tonight...
because tomorrow you'll be walking your own world.
so this dreams...just this once...
i will pass it down to you.

2.00 am (22/12/07)

listening to the radio
using my sonyericsson-walkman hand phone...
fastening the headphones, adjusting the pillows.
it's already 2.00 am.
holding a Pilot G-1 at the ready...
waiting on tenterhooks for any sparks of inspiration to appear
maybe not tonight.

flipping through the pages...
looking at past writings...
careful not to make any noise - don't want my sisters to wake up.

it's too quiet at this time of night.
every little sounds that is inaudible during the day...
seems to have magnified tenfold at this hour.
the bed creaks threateningly as i began to write.

looking at my older sister's face...
her eyebrows furrowed...wonder what kind of dream she is having.
no pimples there...
sleeping next to me - my little sister.
no pimples too - life's not fair.
...a sheepish grin...and considerable amount of drools...
wondering what she is doing in her dream...

the air-conditioner blasting away at 24degrees Celsius
a bit high for my taste.
the bed is a bit hard...
thinking of campus...i know i'll miss it is a week's time.

giving up on the radio...i switch it to the mp3 mode...
listening to number by Teacher's Pet. takes me back and forth in time...
...remembering my childhood.
feels as if i own the world now...
everything revolves ever so slowly just like in a slumber.

i think, tonight is just not the night.
it's okay.
there's always tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

my two legs

As we make the decision to venture into a new world...
a new territory in life,
we often lied to ourselves that maybe...
we don't need to make that leap after all.

we try to conjure up any possible excuses known to human kind...
not out of reluctance, it's rather because we are afraid of failing.

but honestly
What's wrong with failing? What's wrong with falling down?
All you got to do is to stand up again.

There's no need to be ashamed.
you are who you are.
As you stand up on your own two legs, look up at the sky...
notice that its still there, just like yesterday.

never give up on love

Yesterday, i received a comment from a close friend regarding one of my post - 'Simple love'. I remembered as i was composing my reply to her comment, i felt sure of my feelings - true to every word that i know what my heart is saying. Somehow i felt the need to explain myself - more for my sake than hers.

But as i read through the post again...the reply that i wrote...i noticed that something was missing.

i used to believe in love at first sight...
i used to believe in soul mate...
i used to write love poems...putting more than just words - my feelings were genuine.

wanting to look nice and beautiful...
making sure that i have the right sandals on...the right color of scarf...
hoping for a lot of things out of love...and of life...

thinking that this is how it feels to be happy.

Now, it seems like it was a long time ago...having those girly thoughts. Even if fate somehow changed...those feelings that i once had were already lost.

Suddenly, i feel sad knowing for the first time that maybe...i am not even close to forgetting the past. How did i become like this? Why do i forget how to fall in love?

No. i won't allow it. i won't give up my happiness. as of tonight, i promise you that my dear friend.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

journey into the Korean world

Last Friday, Ja and I went to savor our taste buds eating Korean food. It was my first time... so i was very excited.

Since my connections with Korea are only limited to drama series and music - i have this craving of wanting to experience some part of Korea firsthand. Without realizing it, just watching clips downloaded from the internet only bring half of the joy it used to.

We make plans to go to Korea together before graduation. If only i have the money, i'll go there today for sure. hahahah...

We bought 4 sets of meal that day; chicken BBQ set, Dok bok gi, Kimchi jigae and bimbimbap (sorry, i can't remember the correct spelling. hope i got it right). All of them were delicious! You should try it! The price ranging from RM10 to RM15 per meal.

Simple love...

if i were to fall in love...again...i wish for it to be nothing more than just a simple love.
just like the title of this song by Jay Chou...jian dan ai means simple love. (please correct me if i'm wrong)

Monday, January 5, 2009

My life, when it rains.

I just love the rainy days...

Whenever i sat by my window - watching the rain pouring outside, i felt calm and at peace.

With nothing on but a baby tee and underwear...
sitting on the winow sill...thinking about yesterdays.

The rain allows me to take a pause...for a few minutes, to just be. As i breathe in deeply, the air smells reminds me of the scent of a newly mowed lawn and old paper. The air feels cold against my face - i became alive again.

I feel as if i understand it now; why trees need the rain to grow. I think it is the same reason why i need the rain to be able to face the world.

putting my face close to the window
my breath fogged up the glass.
watching the raindrops fall from the sky
unto the roof and on my window...
leaving a small trail of tiny droplets behind.

as i see with my eyes close...
the trail looks like a map.
and as i dream with my eyes open...
it seems to lead into a secret world.

on rainy days such as this...
as i sat on my window sill
when every boundary becomes blurry
my existence seems to fade along with the gentle kisses of the rain.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

From a father to a daughter.

They say that "to love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence".

I believe it to be true. I wish I could explain my stance clearly to you - stating reasons, debating and discussing to our hearts' content. But I am sorry that I can't. All that I can do is to share this text message that I have received...kept safe in my hand phone after all of these years.

This is a message between a father and a daughter.

"De...we thank you very much for your gifts which we interpreted as a token of your sincerity of feelings towards us. Upon reading your highly charged emotional notes, both of us shed tears. Your notes have managed to touch our old hearts. As for me, I've almost forgotten the last time I ever cried.
De, you're always special to us in your own unique way. In the evening, we went for a special makan. Then, I realized I still love your mom like before".


"Some truths were too pure to be written down, or even said out loud".
(Excerpt from the novel 'Summer Light', by Luanne Rice)

we are of the same! hah!

We often denied ourselves of the fact that actually, all of us have a lot in common.
We work hard to establish ourselves as a special being.
We alone believe that we rise above others...or do you not?
In a harsh world like today, i understand whay that is important.
But even the best of people told lies...or do you choose to disagree?

Sometimes we claimed to have lied for the greater good... not hurt another's feelings... give hope and comfort...

Sometimes we claimed that we understand more than we really do.
"I know how you feel" you really?
"I think you are right" do you know?

But after all said and done, were those not considered as lies? are not as different as you thought you were from the rest of us.

Friday, January 2, 2009

dedicated to all my friends...

Two days into the new year, 2009...and 2008 will be nothing more than a mere memory.
However, it was a special one - a memory of you and me.
Playing under the sun!

Honestly...i have no problem with being alone. I'm used to it - getting things done my way, going to places on my own.
I enjoy my own company.
But time and time again...i realized that it was way better having someone beside me. It felt nice...

Who are your friends?
Easy. They're the ones who make you cry; who make mistakes; who are there for you even when you feel like you don't deserve them.

This picture was taken on the eve of my birthday. At first, they told me that it would be just another ordinary gathering...
it turned out to be my bithday party as well!! Not even once it'd crossed my mind...
i was glad that it was my birthday.

no matter what happens...we'll get it through together. Thank you, guys. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

envy is normal if u r clueless

it is easy to envy others for things that they have in which we haven't.
sometimes...the feelings came even if we knew that it is not the thing that we truly want.
then, why are we being envious?

maybe we are envious...not because of the things that people have...but the fact that they know what they want and how to get it.

Soap bubbles & palm trees

My house has a blue rooftop-that is one of the things that i like about the house when we first moved in. its walls are painted white and there is a small garden up front full with palm trees, Chinese bamboos, flowers and potted plants. the palm trees used to be as tall as i am but now, it is already taller than the house. the garden has somewhat changed...i used to play here a lot with my best friend. for such a small place, we always come up with fun ways to pass the time. we used to play soap bubbles and water balloons...hang out on the porch till sun down.

each corner of that small garden marked a part of my earliest existence;
i remembered burrying a tiny scroll enclosed in an egg shell, sealed with a promise to be opened years later in life.
i remembered playing with tadpoles in the large drain beside the house - pretending that they were fishes in a small river.
i remembered the dream that i once had...engraved on one of the barks of the tree in front of the house.

although the garden still could still hear the frogs singing at dawn...but that tree is no longer there beside the palm trees.

as much as i want things to remain the same...the house too has somewhat changed. it is still number 23, TJ 3/1 - with white paintwork and a blue rooftop but a little of everything has dissolved with time...

a rosemary wood furniture instead of the old dark-blue couch which i used to curl-up on, watching Meteor Garden and Long Vacation till late hours of the night.
an Astro decoder in place of the old video player which i once used to record With Love drama series on tape.
the twin Japanese vase by the foot of the stairs...the old papaya tree at the corner of the backyard...the big blue plastic tub which my little sister and i used to dip ourselves in on hot days...where have all of them gone too?

so much has changed in so little time. without realizing it, i am no longer living at number 23. just like a customer in a hotel; i came back for a specific period of time, just to go again into the outside world.

my life has changed.