Saturday, July 31, 2010

when girls talk about weddings...

The front porch, 9:22am (5th July, 2010)

my roommate's friend is staying the night in our room.
she accidentally, left her key inside her room when locking up.
her roommate is here we are,
at 1 a.m.,
3 girls in a clean and neat but yet pitifully, small room.

i'm still working on my assignment,
while they are chatting, lying-in on the bed.

Typical pillow talk scene...
you get the idea.
ever watched 'gilmore girls'? herm....

although, i'm listening to my mp3...
it's hard not to listen in on their conversation.
herm...and out of all the topic in the world...things that they could talk about...
they land themselves on the topic of 'weddings'.
something that you will not find me, ever being associated with. well, at least for now, i think.
my 10 year plan just doesn't have space for a
wedding dress, honeymoon, shoes, make-up,...
no space for Mr. Right.
no time to go looking for one.

while i'm being 'me' - rejecting the idea of me being married,
their chatters gain momentum...
their giggles...i'm sure, could be heard up until the 4th floor...
but still, i find the whole scene... beautiful.
despite me being so dark about it...
i think they are so innocent, care-free, and sweet...they are being 'girls'.
i often forget that weddings also mean future.
it might not the future that i've planned for...
might not be the future that i want...

these two girls have showed me that it is so...for some people.
so i'm going to respect that...

"Hye, guys. i have some cookies and some instant hot chocolate packets here. wanna join me for a late midnight snack?"
"sure. love to"
"great. so what is it that you guys been talking about....."

lots of luv, moonshin ;)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Me and Facebook

i was never really a Facebook person before...
and a couple years back, when Friendster was the hot, new thing in town,
i'm the only one in my class without an account.
my big sister did open one for me later on after much arguments...eyes glaring... and after a series of cat-fights...
we settled down on the rug in the living room, with a laptop propped open...
deciding what to put in as my first testimonial...
and who should i ask to be my friend.

honestly, a whole bulk of it was decided by my sis...
the background...the template...the photos....
except the little part where i get to say something about myself.

i enjoyed writing that actually...
and that's how writing has always been for me....
its like...a window? a chance? an opportunity?
a paintbrush to color my already-sketched canvas?
i dunno...but that's how i got hook on to the blogging world.
my feelings and thoughts become much clearer when i have them written down.
like a computer after being defragmented.

anyhow, Facebook is now part of my everyday routine.
it gets lonely you know, without the usual crowd...
and especially, when your classmates are now all about the same age as your aunties and uncles...
i get along with them fine...but there are things that i just couldn't share with them...
our minds are in the same continuum...
one pole points to being realistic and another points to being idealistic.
they are more prone to be realistic whereas i am still deciding where to draw the line between the two.

so...yeah...guys, don't be surprise if you found me on FB.
the disease has got to me as well.

;)luv moonshin.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

looking but not really seeing

suddenly, i feel old....
sitting here in front of the computer...
going through library 101...again.
my lecturer makes it compulsory - damn.
the lady in front, keep talking,
with me not really listening.

some things i already know,
a lot of things - i don't.

thus, from 9.00am to 11am...
me, in the lab...
i'm looking but not really seeing.

Monday, July 26, 2010

precious "words"

by oldskool devil (

if you look back on your past memories,
what will be the most vivid to you?
The people? The background? The sound?
Perhaps, there was music...the song?

what comes clear to mind when u tried to remember that one important day in your life?
say a it the taste of the melting chocolate cake in your mouth?
is it the smiles and laughter of the people around you?

on your graduation it the tears at the corner of your mother's and father's eyes? or is it the feeling that came rushing through as you threw your hat into the air with your friends?

For me, it's words.
as i recalled memories, the people's faces or the place might have faded a little in my mind's eyes...but the words...
i will not forget them.
They are spoken by those who are important to me...for me.
in acts of kindness and love to make me feel give me give me hope...
to make me feel show concerns....
So yes, for me it's the words.

"you'll get your chance, just be excellent as you've been..."
"love you...all the best for your MA..."
"thank you for being my teacher..."
"you can do it. i have faith in you..."
"i named you with double A in your name because you are special..."
"don't forget to eat k? Love you..."
"i have high hopes for you...."
"don't forget me..."

Sunday, July 25, 2010

understanding 'me'


i got a free ride from the taxi uncle today (this is a big deal, trust me. they are hardly a generous species).
and you know what, out of all the subjects that i've taken as an undergrad,
psychology...time and time again, proves to be the most useful of them all.

a little poke him a warm smile (don't over do it, u don't want him to think that u are hittin' on him)...
analyze his age...decipher his personality...
most important of all, let him do the talking.

Yep, 'the successful story of my sons and daughters' are what most of the 'taxi uncles' like to talk about.
and i can understand why.
I don't mind listening to them...kind of remind me of my old folks at home.

but today, i hardly listened...
there's something that's been bugging me all week, you see.
i guess, the taxi uncle could sniff the problem off me...
all of a sudden, he asked me for my birthday date.
"24th of February. Nothing special, why you asked?".
"I have some concerns about your parents..."

what the hell?
that is sooooo true...i just gaped at him.

"You used to be a naughty girl...caused a lot of problems and worries for your parents when your are little...are we getting close?"
"Well, no. i'm never naughty...i was..."
"that's okay, but now you know better and that's all there is to it".

He dropped me off at my college and i handed him the money.
"No need. It's okay, it's been fun talking to you"
I smiled (really smiled this time) and said thanks.

Honestly, i used to be a very 'difficult' child...and that's just putting it mildly.
i can't control my emotions and i don't understand them.
but now that i do, i think i'm living life better.

all of these emotions that i'm feeling...ten times stronger than most people...
it's just who i am...

I can't change my routines because it makes me feel disoriented and uncomfortable - i like to feel prepared at all times.
I can't have noise or people talking to me in the morning - whatever emotions or confusions that i had in my dreams when i was sleeping still lingers in my mind.
it feels so real sometimes, i have problems telling my brain that it's not.
I don't like people touching my stuff or go to my room without permission - i always know and 'see' their trails all over them.
I can't talk about what's bothering me - because i don't know how.
I can't seem to be able to tell stories properly most of the time - because it seems like my mouth can't keep up with my mind.
I can't read without my mp3 - because i need something to distract my 'other brain' that seems to always wants to draw, take pictures, make clothes, etc.

Despite my grades, i'm a slow learner - i listen hard in class, but i hardly remember it afterwards.
i only managed to get all of my ABC at 9 and reading came later after that.
Whenever i have an emotional blow, my heart 'literally' hurt and in pain.
One time, i had a big fight with my Mom - i thought i'd die.

I love black the most - because i feel like i could be at least a little bit cheerful than the color that i'm wearing.
That's why my drawings and pictures that i took were all in black and white.

i don't need to know the lyrics or translations of Korean or Japanese songs - because i always know the meanings just by listening to them.
once when i was a little. there was this one song that my big sister and i really liked. we listened to it on the radio but we never saw the clip. we really wanted to see what's the clip looked like...we talked about it all the time. i was so obsessed about it that i dreamed about it.
When the clip was finally on tv, guess what, it's exactly the same as the one in my dream.

Mom, sorry for all the troubles (morning episodes)...i just hate school and didn't want to go at all.
Let alone tuition.
Dad, sorry for all the troubles too (evening episodes)...i just...didn't know how to go to sleep by myself.
and sorry too for the hospital episodes and whatnots.

and even this morning, before going back to UKM. You shouldn't have ironed my clothes for me, Dad.
it's sweet that you did...and i know that you just wanted to help...
Still, it changed my routine...
But i was okay...i'm trying to understand little by little these pieces of me.
i'm learning to 'bend' where it is necessary...and not let it bothers me too much.

Right now, i've learned that a lot pieces of me am grateful to you both.
i want to be independent fast and be useful and helpful to you...
i never knew that such feelings existed before.

these feelings...they used to confuse me to such a point that they also affect you.
but i'm okay now.
and that's all there is to it.

recently, it comes to my knowledge that others who have feelings like mine tend to do 'stupid' things. I am grateful that mine can be directed to more 'useful' and 'healthy' purposes. Hope there'll be light for those 'lost souls'....

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Bitter song

All i need is a bitter song...
to make me feel better.

All i need to see is sad faces...
to make me feel better.

All i need is rain...
to make me stop crying in vain.

All i need is the world to keep spinning...
or else, my time will stop.

All i need is a bitter song...

Monday, July 12, 2010

i am a chameleon

Ever had that one lesson in school,
where the teacher asks you to pick one object that best describes you?
my answer then is no longer important...
but the 'me' who i am now,
i'll say that i am a chameleon.
i think that creature describes me perfectly.

i used to think that i am the biggest hypocrite in the world.
i used to think that i don't have an identity.
one minute, i am the funny minute, the quiet lone ranger.
i am a bit of everything and i tend to change according to the people around me.
that sucks...
i used to think that what i am at home is the real me...
i thought i am 100% me around family...

You know that cliche thing...saying how we go around
wearing masks?
i used to be one of them.
even though i am only writing about this on my blog and am talking to myself inside my head,
but it still sounds downright lame.

but after that 3 weeks of Dark Ages...
now, i know that being a chameleon is my identity.
it's not a bad thing...
i can use it to my advantage.

think about it.
i am a chameleon.
what are you?