Sunday, July 6, 2014

A Daughter's Confession

“Aren’t you afraid that you’ll feel lonely?”
“No. Why should I…?”

‘She is weak’ was what I thought of her when Mother sprung this question on me 10 years ago after my bold announcement of not wishing ever to be married.
If truths are to be told; I never really meant what I said.
Because I thought life will always treat me the same; be it 10 years ago or now, 10 years later.
I thought I knew myself well.

“When is your daughter going to get married? She will soon be thirty…”
“She will when she get there”
I know Mother has my back.
At the same time, I know Mother is worried.
But for her, because my happiness takes precedence over everything else….
She just…waits patiently by my side and laughs all of the bad things away.

“You have dreams and that is important”

Mother, honestly I am not as confident anymore.
What you warned me about 10 years ago has started to seep through my heart each day and it hurts a little, every time.
I guess this feeling is real – no use in denying it anymore.

While most people might think of this as a sign for me to take the next step but I feel like I’ve taken several steps backwards instead.
Because I think Love out of Loneliness is the worst.
I don’t even like myself to even ask another to like me.
And this might not be the answer I am searching for.

You have done great over the years.
I think what we have as a family is a miracle. At least, it is to me.
What I have or what I am now has nothing to do with what or what we don’t.
Please know that I am not without love.
Please also know that you have taught me well that love is not a ration but meant to be shared.
I am a very fortunate daughter and I need you to think so too.

I am not sure of a lot of things.
But of this I am sure; I hold the key to my happiness.
Not a faceless dude I have yet come to meet.

I’ll keep you updated, always.