Maggie pancake =)

I was rummaging through the kitchen cabinets late last night –
searching for that red packet and all the while,
tried my hardest to remember that recipe...
the one I learnt while I was in Indonesia.

A packet of curry instant noodles, an egg... I was all set.

Hye...
I remembered doing something like this before...
When I was 17, I drew a portrait.
Acting on a mere impulse...drowned in the moment...I let my pencil danced across the paper.
Now 23...I let my mind wandered around the kitchen...
I saw past shadows of meals for 6 being cooked...
And last night, I've yet again left my mind on a journey...
Only with feelings, I let my hands worked around the stove for the first time...

i like my noodles to be soft... but Dad prefers his to be 'stringy'...
and so does Mom.
Mom didn't eat much of dinner and Dad kept opening the fridge just to close it back again...
Herm.... =)

30 minutes later...
i headed upstairs with my pancake in one hand...a glass of cold water in the other...
with a grin, bigger than ever...
i poked my head inside my parents' room...

"Feelin' hungry?"

this is something that they usually do for me.
Mom, always alert to my sudden hungry pangs at night...
at times magically appeared at my bedroom door, carrying a plate of fried noodles...fish-fillet...pancakes...nuggets...sausages...cookies...
Dad, sensing my restlessness...
at the right moment...offer a cup of Milo to soothe me to sleep.

this time around...let me be the one who do it for you.

that twinge of happiness...my old Nokia.

in all 23 years of my life...
i have only used 2 handphones.
the first, was a Nokia.
the second, is a SonyE which i'm currently using.
however, if only my Nokia wasn't broken, i think i'll keep using it even in the year 2050.
because....it means something to me...
even now...
i really like that handphone.

i'm not doing an advert on handphones here...
but most people chooses handphones for its functions, features and brand...
eventhough my first handphone was a present from my Mom and Dad,
but i think it chose me instead of me choosing it.

just thinking about it, gives me that twinge of happiness...
i haven't had that feeling in a long time...
and i kind of missed it today.

while i busied myself pretending not to look for that 'face'...
i kept thinking of my old Nokia...
the one that i used to keep close beside me every night...
the one with my favorite ringtone in it...
the one with that special 'smiley' i received...
the one filled with precious 'saved messages'...
the one i held when i jumped up and down in my room...
the one that made me smile all day...i just couldn't stop.

in the end, i did find him.
the split second where i permitted myself to look over and then quickly turned away...
i could feel myself smiling widely to the person i was actually talking to.

when i let go of my old nokia, i thought some part of me left along with it.
i was afraid where the part that felt like a 'stumped' won't ever 'grow' back.
i'd rather choose not to than to not be able to...
there's a difference.

what i like most about my old Nokia was its blue light.
it shines in the dark every time a new message was in...
and for every single time when it did, without fail...i felt that twinge of happiness.

i felt that too, today.

picture by yun popnut (flickr.com)

like we always did...my sister and me.

my Mom called me earlier this morning.
she told me that my sister has started going into labor...
looks like my first nephew is ready to go out into the world.
been waiting for this day, since i first heard the news that my sis is pregnant.
feels different when your sister is getting a baby than when it is your brother...

i'm not good with little kids...i can't make silly faces to get them to smile...
i don't know how and i don't even try.
but this time around...for this little boy...i'll try.
i can't wait to see you in the 'lil cow' clothes that i've bought you...
with that hoodie attached at the back and the stuffed black-tail at the bottom...

i went back home last weekend.
and for the longest time that i could remember...
we talked...my sister and i.
like we always did...like we always had... when we were little.
lying on the bed...we shared stories until dawn.

we talked about life...how things have turned out different from the way we planned it to be...
she's married now and about to have a baby...i think, you are lucky in this part, Sis.
brother Su is great...and having a family is great.

though it's a little regretful and sad how you said that you stuck with your current job...
to me, it's like you have given up on dreams.
i felt a twinge in my stomach when you said that...
because i couldn't imagine my life without one.
i hope you'll find it again someday.
and this time around, make it real...with the support from your family.
even when you've reached 30 or 40...it's not too late. never too late.
it's just that, i'll get my MA before you. heheheheh...

our family is getting bigger.
hope, everything will be fine...
i'll wait for the good news patiently and i'll come home as soon as i can.
all the best, Sis...

from an annoying brat to a hot-tempered teenager...
from someone's wife to the mother of my first nephew...
you've grown okay.

i'll see you soon.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

somebody out there

i like it when my friends call me to tell their days stories.
new happenings...new gossips...new BF...
sad stories...happy stories....anything that is weighing on their hearts.
i'll be happy on their part...
i'll be sad on their part too.

i think, God created the world with so many people to show that we are not alone.
i can't imagine living in an isolated world - i'll live but not actually 'living'.

i talk all the time with my roommate.
eventhough, i have only known her for about 6 months but, we could share anything between ourselves.
i really enjoy that.

my best friend sent me a MMS - picture of her license the day she got it.
i was really happy that she shares that with me.
even more that we are now far apart and i didn't get to see her much since i continued my study.

my big sis call me often to update me on my first nephew.
i must say i can't wait to meet Rayyan - i'm gonna spoil him rotten =)

one of my coursemate shares her big news with me today.
actually i have known about it through FB but still i was wondering when she would tell me personally.
she did. just a tad bit late. that's okay =)

my Mom call me regularly to complain about Dad or about her days up at the stall joint.
Dad call mostly just to inform me if any mail has arrived for me at home.
but we SMS often.

i talk a lot with my lil sis. can't wait to go back for this holiday to catch up on some stories.
i'll get to be a king when she's around - i order her around but she never say no to me.

i gain new good friend at the start of term - we chat online almost everyday eventhough we see each other all the time in class.
she's crazy...well, i'm too =)

why am i writing this down?
just to show you that somebody is out there - for you to talk to and be heard.
just reach out and be that good friend, daugther and sister you hope to be.

then others will be the same to you.

you don't have to be alone.


lots of luv,
moonshin

a gift from twitter =)

tomorrow will be my last exam for this semester.
while i was feeling worried and anxious, my hp suddenly alerted me to one of Jaejoong's tweet.
and this is how it goes...

"There are so many waves crashing down on us. Though the road we must travel down is so far and long, we must not stop.. The moment we do, we will be giving up on the road to becoming adults and we'll fall into a bottomless abyss. Though we are just beginning to experience what it's like to become adults, I want us to step into a bigger world that we can't see yet with the best weapon we could hope to have, the fact that we are still young.Let's all be strong^^ I'm always thankful!"

by, Kim Jaejoong.

i'm sharing this tweet because i've received strength from it.
hope it'll help you too.

moonshin.

moments with rain

i was busy taking pictures of the sky and rain
that i've forgotten all about my clothes hanging outside.
and as the rain gained its momentum, my clothes steadily get soaked up by all the water.

hahahhahah...the clotheslines is just outside my window, you see.
and i was taking pictures by my window....haiiiiz~
why, oh why, i couldn't piece the two together?
rain + clothes = wet clothes = pain in the ass

oh well, think i'll go and find something to eat after this.
ciao.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

small life in the concrete floor

i was waiting for the bus (as usual...)
when i suddenly noticed something green has sprung out from the bus stand's floor.

too absorbed with own thinking, sometimes makes us missed things...
the wind was blowing...suddenly, i remembered a familiar memory such as this one...
i was waiting too - a younger me...
herm....

it was a small plant.
or would you rather call it a small tree?
nuh, i don't think so. it only has a few leaves, you see.

so fragile - but yet, manages to worm out of the tiled floors.
the way i see it, it is kind of incredible.
works hard just to be able to bathe in sunshine...

"hard for you too, huh?"

i guess, it hasn't been easy for anybody.
life, that is.

"but, i shouldn't give up huh?"
"ok. i'll keep looking up at the sky and move forward".

"you should too"

my weakness - sweet smile =)

you guys know that i like JYJ's jaejoong, right?
i think i have well established that part. =)
pretty obvious - as you can see from my blog.
his picture is larger than mine.

my sister jokingly said that she's going to find me a guy that look like jaejoong.
i was like, "ok.....". Goooood luck.....how is it possible to find that 'face' here or anywhere else?
it's not like its on sale at Giant or something. Hahahah~

anyway, i can't really say what's my type actually is...
if i like the guy, than he's my type. only then, i can really specify.
however, i've noticed from the past that i have sort of a weakness towards guys with sweet smile.

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA~LOL!
Oh, God! this is so embarrassing!

* am melting *

lots of luv,
moonshin.

love?

i used to fall in love with the idea of love itself.
the butterflies in the stomach...the goofy grin....
...the happily ever after....

but now...herm, how should i say this?
i'm happy the way i am.
i'm in love with my dreams.
i wanna go and see the world!

to force me...
it will only make me feel like waking up in the morning but still thinking of the dream i had last night.
trust me, 'mine' was beautiful.
my first - it was short and sweet. but that's just life.... ;)

ask me again in about 10 years time, k?
LOL.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

(p/s: i bought this umbrella at a japanese-merchandise shop. cute huh? always wanted one. lucky i found that shop! damn cheap too! (^ ^)

i'm lucky number 7!

it took me years to understand about myself.
but it took only a couple of seconds for FB to summarize the whole thing for me.

i did a quiz on FB to find out my lucky number.
i was deemed with the lucky number 7 and here is the description that goes with it:

"People with lucky number 7 is peaceful and have an affectionate soul and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength in number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; they will garner knowledge from practically every source that they find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, they don't exit a premise untill they have dissected the subject and arrived at their own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. They need a good deal of quite time to be with their own inner thoughts and dreams."

my first expression was of shock. "OMG..."
my fav part was the last bit.
"need a good deal of quite time to be with own inner thoughts and dreams".
that's true.
i find that excursions or just long walks in the evenings...accompany with some music...helps me clear my mind - to be at peace.
i need to think things through about why i do the things i do.
it calms me to be able to understand things.

but that studious part is not true.
people read for exams, but i just want to know things - to argue about it.
i seldom share these inner thoughts with anyone- they are so private.
even if i disagree in class, i rather keep them to myself (have too many experiences where i shared them, it didn't go too well....).
that's why when my supervisor read my thesis proposal, i couldn't look at her straight in the face for a week. because i felt naked - like she could see what i'm thinking.
it's better now - she is so supportive for a weird student like me.

i open every 'channel' 24/7.
even when i look at the trees...the grass...people... they look different every time.
it feels as though i'm capturing pictures to be stored and used when it needs be.
i never restrict myself.
i find the details beautiful...
i never read newspaper. what i know is from the people around me.
i learn from comic books, songs, advertisement, even the wrapping packages at the back of a milk carton.

i deleted every assignments that i have done at the end of every semester.
i don't like to recycle.
i want to always be able to come up with something new.
i like to dream and think of something interesting.
when i solve problems, i prefer to consider everything - what people have done, does not make it the best way to solve it.

well, that's just me.
i want to equate myself with this number.
coz i think, i like it.
what's your number?

lots of luv,
moonshin.

another beautiful-ordinary day

the journey back from Time Square to college was uneventful.
despite it being saturday, i managed to get a seat as soon as i stepped into the train.
with my mp3 popped in...listening to JYJ's newest album...
i just looked out through the window - taking in the scenery outside.

i've just finished my first exam yesterday.
so this outing was actually a break for me from all the studying and work.
been planning it for weeks...almost calling it quits but my roommate talked me into it.
worth the journey - i feel refreshed. Thanks :)u know me well.

i hold onto the white plastic bag in my hand with care - don't want anything to happen to it.
inside, there's JYJ's album + Jaejoong's poster + Jaejoong's calender + keychan.
needless, to say...i'm beyond happy.

just a month ago, i would never think that i'll be meeting JYJ in person.
after TVXQ got disband... never thought the threesome would come to Malaysia...
but then, there i was at the showcase - shouting jaejoong's name with a red light stick in my hand.
n today, i bought their album which i thought 'mirotic' would be the last...

seems meaningless to u? well, i understand completely - you are not a fan.
but to me it is a big deal.
this is life, i guess.
unexpected and so many possibilities.

today, the beauty of living hit me so hard...i felt overwhelmed with gratefulness.
Yesterday and today was beautiful.
i know tomorrow will be too if i work hard.
just as jaejoong made it possible to come out with this album.

ganbarimasu!! (meaning, 'i'll work hard' in japanese)


lots of luv,
moonshin.

nobody is a superman

my father is a superman.
i think it's because he is my father, he has to be one.
the one who protects...
the one who always give in...
the one who guide us with what he knows about life.
he cares for me. he cares for our family.

the life that he has given me - might be small and insignificant to others -
but it is so beautiful to me.
there is so much possibility in just 'living' - i want him to know...
that he is a superman, at least to me.

he never cries...
but Dad, you can cry now...
because this time around, i'll be your superman.

i'm spouting nonsense, huh?
but you know what i think?
i think, people are the strongest when they think for others.
i might not be the typical superman that you read in comic books...
i'm not clark kent.
i'm not bullet-proof - i'll get hurt easily.
but the 'me' now, is stronger than i was before.
i'll protect those who are important to me and i'll reach my dreams.

if in another minute, something happens and i'm not a superman anymore.
i'll look at the past, present and the future...
i'll just look around - glance at the sky...
the life around me.

i'll be a superman, again. much powerful than before.

new day

i'm walking my own path...
slowly-step by step towards my dream destination...
where my ideal self stands.

each new day brings me closer...
promise awaits.
dreams keep on blooming like fireworks in celebration.
i have never felt such peace with myself...

i'll work hard today too ;)

keep your dreams alive

growing up...
i've lost my way a couple of times.
stumbled up upon a wall - couldn't see what's on the other side.
seemed meaningless - to keep on waking up in the morning just for the sake of living.

sounds lame to you?
but that's how it felt for me during those times.

my dreams are me - without them there's no me.
like a photographer with an expensive camera but without any inspiration.

keep on dreaming - keep the dreams alive.
don't find a hole to burry yourself in...
coz that will be the end of you - and you know it.

i have many dreams.
and within each new day, new ones are born...some are granted.
but for some that weren't, i'll keep them alive.

i promise myself this....
i'll keep on dreaming.

JYJ Showcase last sunday - one of the best days of my life!

i was jumping and screaming like crazy during the showcase!
so happy to finally be able to meet my idol - jaejoong.

apart from the obvious reasons - handsome, sexy, heavenly voice, hot dance steps and his six packs -
why do i like him so much?

that's another story for another day k?
want to do it justice.




lots of luv,
moonshin.

Sunday....!!!!

hehehehhe...
i'm skipping work....
not in the mood.
i'm bored...
so here it goes.
hehehehhehe...

can't wait for Sunday to come!

lots of luv,
moonshin.

Dreams come true

picture by moonjazz (flickr.com)

i got so many plans lined up for the day when i received my first pay cheque.
but before that faithful day arises,
i've spent my money-less days browsing through countless online-shopping websites...
i even took down some notes on them if i found the products pretty...

sad? pathetic? uh huh, i know.

i wasted hours imagining the clothes that i would buy...the shoes...the bags...that gray jeans that i've been meaning to buy since last semester...
suddenly, for no reason, i started finding faults with my pair of jeans.

Want to know the truth?
when the day finally arises, i did none of the above.
the switch turned 'off' - i forgot my shopping list.
i went straight home.
went shopping with my parents...
new handbag and blouse for Mom...framed picture of a beautiful scenery and a collar t-shirt for Dad.
i gave them both other 'presents' too.

then, i went out for lunch with my best friend...
planned an outing with my favourite nieces on the weekend...
paid half for my lil sis's concert ticket this coming sunday...

it has always been a dream for me to take my parents out - shopping.
to be able to pay for them...to me, is a big achievement.
i want to be able to buy them things.
i want to be able to help when they needed help.
and that is what happened yesterday before i went back to campus.
i was able to help my parents.
my dream came true....

i am still in my 'incomplete' stage but slowly...
i'm nearing my 'complete' stage.
the metamorphosis will end someday....

i will keep this feeling close to my heart, always... because the 'me who is giving'...
i like this 'girl'.
this part of me is complete.
i'm keeping her.

that girl....

i left my childhood self at the door, every time i went out into the world.
to be able to walk forward - i discarded her kinda carelessly.
to me, she's a hindrance - a weakness. a baggage.

but lately, i find myself thinking about that girl...
that girl, who burried wishes in the front garden...
who stayed up late at nights just to listen to a music chart that she didn't even understand...

highlight of my MA 1st semester!

i'm going to meet my idol soon!
he's coming for a concert this october!
i can't wait!
i'm gonna line up this sunday for the tickets.
lucky my pay-check just came through.

hye, i've used way too many '!' in this post.
just so psyched!

i think i'll have trouble sleepin already tonight...
and thats like...two weeks before the concert...
can't imagine what kinda state i'll be in when it's only tomorrow ;)

life been kinda crazy, busy, hectic and MONOTONE lately...
i like reading, doin research, studying and stuff...
that's why i've signed up for my MA in the first place, and i'm planning for PhD too.
but not all the time! come on...
gurl need a break here ;)

thank u for this...anyone out there...you guys too...

tomorrow comes like it has always been...
with the sun up in the sky...

am glad to be alive ;)
simple as that.

lots of luv, moonshin.



p/s he's my fav out of the 3....LOL! ;)

i'm not a superman

i'm not a superman.
i can't fly.

i'm not a superman.
i can get hurt.
i hurt pretty bad sometimes.

i'm not a superman.
i'm not bulletproof.
words sometimes are worst that bullets.

i'm not a superman.
i don't have super hearing or super eye-sight.
i'm not super anything.
sorry if i can't read between the lines or detect the signs.

i'm not a superman.
and at times, i need help too.
there's too many bad guys in the world, i cant fight them all as the ordinary me.

i'm not a superman.
he can't cry.
i cry. sometimes.
when things got so bad. when things got so good.
i don't feel like i deserved them.

i'm not a superman.
please, remember that.

Photo by Aida7 i'M baCk!! at flickr.com

my one and only Mom

Mom ate too much food since the start of the festival...
feeling its after effects soon later, she had her time suffering from unmeasureable amount of uncomfortableness;
light-headedness, stomachache, heart-burn, you name 'em and she'd say she have 'em.

mostly things that have got something to do with the middle region.

she's been groaning and complaining non-stop.
but of course, none of us took it too seriously to make a fuss out of it.
just the usual nodding and concerned look (the "uh-huh, i know your pain" look)
it's just my Mom's way of fishing sympathy from the crowd.
god, if she ever finds out what i'm telling the world these days...
hahahahahhahaha!

me, heart of ice, remain as always the royal observer.
watched through the whole proceeding unfolding before my very eyes...herm, too familiar.
deja-vuish, even.
are we up for the usual ending or are we not?
funny things might cropped out unexpectedly - knowing my Mom.

but first allow me to explain.
what normal is not normal for our family.
so if the ending is unexpected to you guys, it is to us.
heheheheheh....(hye, i'm in a good mood today...herm, wonder why?)

okay, on with the story.
My Mom's not feeling so well, so the usual next scene must be something of a doctor's office or colored looking pills or a glass of ENO at least, don't you think?
to release the 'uncomfortableness'.

My Mom went to bed early last night.
curious of her 'cure'...i tiptoed into her bedroom (aha!).
i discovered two of her 'secret medicine' that faithful night.
as soon as i stepped in, i was a hit by a strong wave of her rubbed oil ('axe' brand, if any of you guys are from Asia, you might have heard of it...hahahaha).
by the side of her bed, there was also an almost empty glass.
i took a sip and there you go, i know the answer to the riddle.

i went downstair to the kitchen and openned the fridge.
there, sitting at the top shelves, was a half-empty bottle of 7-up.
her cure.
hahahhahahahah...shoulda known better. simple - saves you the trip to the doctor's.
she believes the oil is like a cure for ANYTHING. she uses it for EVERYTHING.

once, when she was in high-school.
her period-pain got so bad, she drank a couple drops of that oil.
the oil is meant for EXTERNAL USE only and for joint pains, not period pains.

gotta admit, that pretty hardcore. ahahahahhaha....
well, she's my one and only Mom;)

a bottle of candy

if...for every scarred hearts that we healed,
turned into a candy...
will mine fill a whole bottle?

have i ever helped anyone?
have i ever 'healed' anyone?

the funny thing is, sometimes this healing works accidentally...
unconsciously...in the spur of the moment...
when you are no longer thinking...
only to feel.

this morning, i received a text message from a close friend of mine.
"I read what you wrote for Yat on FB. i dunno, suddenly I missed you".
although what i wrote on Fb was for someone else but it felt as though,
i've healed another.
i must have done something right to deserve this little joy...

Perhaps, my bottle is not even close to half.
a quarter? maybe...
please, do not be empty....

i believe in helping those who asked for help.
i find it hard to turn them down every time...
because by helping them, i feel like i'm preparing for a rainy day.
i hope that when my worst day comes, somebody will be there with a smile to help me through.

i hope, my bottle will be full someday.

something, somewhere.

(today, while waiting for the bus)

I thought I was being optimistic.
Whenever something bad happens, I never let it destroys me.
I always believe that somehow, everything will pull through…
Somehow, everything will work out for the better, and not the other way around.
Even when it didn’t, I always pat myself in the back for having a job well done…
“You’ve done well. Let’s work harder next time” I’d say to myself.
“It’s okay, don’t give up”.

Whenever something difficult popped out its head around the corner,
I always see the possibility of rising above it.
Even when I’m not prepared, I just used my guts to get through with it.
And at times like that, my name really feels like magic words…
Whisper it slowly so that only I could hear…
Restores the faith in me.

but not anymore.

What has happened to me?
Why am I here feeling like this?
Was being optimistic was actually a lie to protect myself from getting hurt?
Was I that weak of a person?

The “me” 7 years back, was not the same as who I am today.
Something, somewhere along the way I have changed.
This gradual change happened without me being aware of it.
It scares me.

Without realizing it, somewhere along the line…
I’ve stopped taking risks.
Somewhere along the line, I’ve stopped being honest with myself.
But knowing the price that I have to pay to protect myself…
By losing who I really am…
That is not something that I’m willing to do, ever.

I want my hand to stop shaking.
I want to feel the rush of adrenaline when the risk I took, paid off.
I missed it so much that my everyday life right now seems meaningless…
and that pains me so much...
i can't be "myself".

7 days to graduation...

Needless to say i'm excited! ;)

never thought, i'd feel this way...
before i went to DECTAR to get my robes and hats,
i was actually...herm....i felt....(scratching the side of her head**)
thats it - nothing.
big ZERO.
i thought it'd be just like any other day.

but now, i can't wait to put on that ugly orange robes...
get reunited with my friends....
i kept picturing those scenes...
where you tossed your hats up up into the air?
okay maybe i watched too many tv. guilty as charged.

Monday, please come faster ;)



Moonshin.

my world part 1

My newest pieces?...sketches?...
i dunno what to call 'em.





Moonshin.

when girls talk about weddings...

The front porch, 9:22am (5th July, 2010)

my roommate's friend is staying the night in our room.
she accidentally, left her key inside her room when locking up.
her roommate is away...so here we are,
at 1 a.m.,
3 girls in a clean and neat but yet pitifully, small room.

i'm still working on my assignment,
while they are chatting, lying-in on the bed.

Typical pillow talk scene...
you get the idea.
ever watched 'gilmore girls'? herm....

although, i'm listening to my mp3...
it's hard not to listen in on their conversation.
herm...and out of all the topic in the world...things that they could talk about...
they land themselves on the topic of 'weddings'.
something that you will not find me, ever being associated with. well, at least for now, i think.
my 10 year plan just doesn't have space for a
wedding dress, honeymoon, shoes, make-up,...
no space for Mr. Right.
no time to go looking for one.

while i'm being 'me' - rejecting the idea of me being married,
their chatters gain momentum...
their giggles...i'm sure, could be heard up until the 4th floor...
but still, i find the whole scene... beautiful.
despite me being so dark about it...
i think they are so innocent, care-free, and sweet...they are being 'girls'.
i often forget that weddings also mean future.
it might not the future that i've planned for...
might not be the future that i want...

these two girls have showed me that it is so...for some people.
so i'm going to respect that...

"Hye, guys. i have some cookies and some instant hot chocolate packets here. wanna join me for a late midnight snack?"
"sure. love to"
"great. so what is it that you guys been talking about....."

lots of luv, moonshin ;)
Home...

Me and Facebook

i was never really a Facebook person before...
and a couple years back, when Friendster was the hot, new thing in town,
i'm the only one in my class without an account.
my big sister did open one for me later on after much arguments...eyes glaring... and after a series of cat-fights...
we settled down on the rug in the living room, with a laptop propped open...
deciding what to put in as my first testimonial...
and who should i ask to be my friend.

honestly, a whole bulk of it was decided by my sis...
the background...the template...the photos....
except the little part where i get to say something about myself.

i enjoyed writing that actually...
and that's how writing has always been for me....
its like...a window? a chance? an opportunity?
a paintbrush to color my already-sketched canvas?
i dunno...but that's how i got hook on to the blogging world.
my feelings and thoughts become much clearer when i have them written down.
like a computer after being defragmented.

anyhow, Facebook is now part of my everyday routine.
it gets lonely you know, without the usual crowd...
and especially, when your classmates are now all about the same age as your aunties and uncles...
i get along with them fine...but there are things that i just couldn't share with them...
our minds are in the same continuum...
one pole points to being realistic and another points to being idealistic.
they are more prone to be realistic whereas i am still deciding where to draw the line between the two.

so...yeah...guys, don't be surprise if you found me on FB.
the disease has got to me as well.

;)luv moonshin.

looking but not really seeing

suddenly, i feel old....
sitting here in front of the computer...
going through library 101...again.
my lecturer makes it compulsory - damn.
the lady in front, keep talking,
with me not really listening.

some things i already know,
a lot of things - i don't.

thus, from 9.00am to 11am...
me, in the lab...
i'm looking but not really seeing.

precious "words"

by oldskool devil (flickr.com)

if you look back on your past memories,
what will be the most vivid to you?
The people? The background? The sound?
Perhaps, there was music...the song?

what comes clear to mind when u tried to remember that one important day in your life?
say a birthday...is it the taste of the melting chocolate cake in your mouth?
is it the smiles and laughter of the people around you?

on your graduation day...is it the tears at the corner of your mother's and father's eyes? or is it the feeling that came rushing through as you threw your hat into the air with your friends?

For me, it's words.
as i recalled memories, the people's faces or the place might have faded a little in my mind's eyes...but the words...
i will not forget them.
They are spoken by those who are important to me...for me.
in acts of kindness and love to make me feel better...to give me courage...to give me hope...
to make me feel appreciated...to show concerns....
So yes, for me it's the words.

"you'll get your chance, just be excellent as you've been..."
"love you...all the best for your MA..."
"thank you for being my teacher..."
"you can do it. i have faith in you..."
"i named you with double A in your name because you are special..."
"don't forget to eat k? Love you..."
"i have high hopes for you...."
"don't forget me..."

understanding 'me'

from yahoo.com.

i got a free ride from the taxi uncle today (this is a big deal, trust me. they are hardly a generous species).
and you know what, out of all the subjects that i've taken as an undergrad,
psychology...time and time again, proves to be the most useful of them all.

a little poke there...gives him a warm smile (don't over do it, u don't want him to think that u are hittin' on him)...
analyze his age...decipher his personality...
most important of all, let him do the talking.

Yep, 'the successful story of my sons and daughters' are what most of the 'taxi uncles' like to talk about.
and i can understand why.
I don't mind listening to them...kind of remind me of my old folks at home.

but today, i hardly listened...
there's something that's been bugging me all week, you see.
i guess, the taxi uncle could sniff the problem off me...
all of a sudden, he asked me for my birthday date.
"24th of February. Nothing special, why you asked?".
"I see...you have some concerns about your parents..."

what the hell?
that is sooooo true...i just gaped at him.

"huh?"
"You used to be a naughty girl...caused a lot of problems and worries for your parents when your are little...are we getting close?"
"Well, no. i'm never naughty...i was..."
"that's okay, but now you know better and that's all there is to it".

He dropped me off at my college and i handed him the money.
"No need. It's okay, it's been fun talking to you"
I smiled (really smiled this time) and said thanks.

Honestly, i used to be a very 'difficult' child...and that's just putting it mildly.
i can't control my emotions and i don't understand them.
but now that i do, i think i'm living life better.

all of these emotions that i'm feeling...ten times stronger than most people...
it's just who i am...

I can't change my routines because it makes me feel disoriented and uncomfortable - i like to feel prepared at all times.
I can't have noise or people talking to me in the morning - whatever emotions or confusions that i had in my dreams when i was sleeping still lingers in my mind.
it feels so real sometimes, i have problems telling my brain that it's not.
I don't like people touching my stuff or go to my room without permission - i always know and 'see' their trails all over them.
I can't talk about what's bothering me - because i don't know how.
I can't seem to be able to tell stories properly most of the time - because it seems like my mouth can't keep up with my mind.
I can't read without my mp3 - because i need something to distract my 'other brain' that seems to always wants to draw, take pictures, make clothes, etc.

Despite my grades, i'm a slow learner - i listen hard in class, but i hardly remember it afterwards.
i only managed to get all of my ABC at 9 and reading came later after that.
Whenever i have an emotional blow, my heart 'literally' hurt and in pain.
One time, i had a big fight with my Mom - i thought i'd die.

I love black the most - because i feel like i could be at least a little bit cheerful than the color that i'm wearing.
That's why my drawings and pictures that i took were all in black and white.

i don't need to know the lyrics or translations of Korean or Japanese songs - because i always know the meanings just by listening to them.
once when i was a little. there was this one song that my big sister and i really liked. we listened to it on the radio but we never saw the clip. we really wanted to see what's the clip looked like...we talked about it all the time. i was so obsessed about it that i dreamed about it.
When the clip was finally on tv, guess what, it's exactly the same as the one in my dream.

Mom, sorry for all the troubles (morning episodes)...i just hate school and didn't want to go at all.
Let alone tuition.
Dad, sorry for all the troubles too (evening episodes)...i just...didn't know how to go to sleep by myself.
and sorry too for the hospital episodes and whatnots.

and even this morning, before going back to UKM. You shouldn't have ironed my clothes for me, Dad.
it's sweet that you did...and i know that you just wanted to help...
Still, it changed my routine...
But i was okay...i'm trying to understand little by little these pieces of me.
i'm learning to 'bend' where it is necessary...and not let it bothers me too much.

Right now, i've learned that a lot pieces of me am grateful to you both.
i want to be independent fast and be useful and helpful to you...
i never knew that such feelings existed before.

these feelings...they used to confuse me to such a point that they also affect you.
but i'm okay now.
and that's all there is to it.

p/s
recently, it comes to my knowledge that others who have feelings like mine tend to do 'stupid' things. I am grateful that mine can be directed to more 'useful' and 'healthy' purposes. Hope there'll be light for those 'lost souls'....

Bitter song

All i need is a bitter song...
to make me feel better.

All i need to see is sad faces...
to make me feel better.

All i need is rain...
to make me stop crying in vain.

All i need is the world to keep spinning...
or else, my time will stop.

All i need is a bitter song...

i am a chameleon

Ever had that one lesson in school,
where the teacher asks you to pick one object that best describes you?
my answer then is no longer important...
but the 'me' who i am now,
i'll say that i am a chameleon.
i think that creature describes me perfectly.

i used to think that i am the biggest hypocrite in the world.
i used to think that i don't have an identity.
one minute, i am the funny gal...one minute, the quiet lone ranger.
i am a bit of everything and i tend to change according to the people around me.
that sucks...
i used to think that what i am at home is the real me...
i thought i am 100% me around family...

You know that cliche thing...saying how we go around
wearing masks?
i used to be one of them.
even though i am only writing about this on my blog and am talking to myself inside my head,
but it still sounds downright lame.

but after that 3 weeks of Dark Ages...
now, i know that being a chameleon is my identity.
it's not a bad thing...
i can use it to my advantage.

think about it.
i am a chameleon.
what are you?

not-so-perfect world

when you see a little girl sitting by the side of the road - crying
and all the while clutching her bruised arm...
in a perfect world,
you would say, "Oh, she must have fallen from her bike...".

in a not-so-perfect world,
we would usually say a whole different things altogether.
a lot of possible explanations pop into our heads...
for example, something that associates with the word "abuse", "mistreated", etc.

in a perfect world,
one would usually feel happy receiving 4-flat and even a chance to further study into Master level...
like i said, "in a perfect world".
if in a drama, the gal just pack her bag and boom! graduate with flying colors.

in a not-so-perfect world,
there are a lot of loops to jump through...
and the biggest pain being the Vitamin M...
MONEY. Hahahahaha....
Let's just say its settled (thanks to Mom and Dad),
comes in new problems - popping up like mold on a Gardenia bread.
Haahahaha...it's funny.

I'm waiting for the college office to open after lunch,
so that i could beg them to let me stay next semester.
great...

i really don't care actually.
whatever. i'll think of something.

The not-so-perfect life crap is over-rated, if you asked me.
it's just life.

so, i WILL finish my Master,
no matter what.

long vacation

Herm...she looks like a nice lady...
i think i'll be fine studying under her..

just met my supervisor a couple of minutes ago.
July seems so much nearer when looking at it
from this half-part of the year.
one more month, one more new chapter in life.

feels as though the one month of hell i suffered...
like an illusion...
gone like a wisp of smoke in a magician's cheap show in Vegas.

I drowned in a chamber of self-loathing...
anger, disappointment, ...
my sense of pitiful-insecurity and shamed...
have been shadowing me all this time,
finally came crashing down, in ways i couldn't comprehend...
sending big tsunamis and hurricane...
washing and scraping my little heart, bare and raw.

for a while there, i lost my sense of self.
i'm nothing but a vessel with no soul.
a heart but with no words.
like a robot without the batteries..
lifeless, and limp.
Defeated.

nothing went in or out of me.
almost like the other half of me had died...

today i laugh with everyone else.
like i said before, it's hard not to,
when you're with your friends.

but as i received a news from home today...
i don't know...it's as if the 'switch' is suddenly turned off.

am i cured?
am i pretending that's everything is pretty on the outside,
when the color of my blouse - black - is how i really feel inside?

do i want people to know that i am not happy?
do i want them to understand?
what can they do even if they knew?
doesn't change anything.

i'm still trying to figure myself out.
but as for now, i just do what and live out how i feel inside.
if i got no appetide, then fine, starve.
if i feel like bitching, then fine, be horrible.
if i feel like being dead, then fine, be dead.
stop being.

i'm on a 'long vacation' away from life.
away from 'me'.

one less lonely girl...

right now, at this moment...
while i'm writing away on this post...
using a borrowed notebook i got from the faculty...
my head and shoulder is moving according to the beat of
"one less lonely girl" from justin bieber.

never a fan of his...but this... one song is exceptional.
suits the mood... my mood just right.

just a couple of hours ago, i never thought i will ever again...
but i did.
yes, i'm sure...
there's one less lonely girl in this world.

moonshin.

Moonshin's note

Hi, all.

i feel like i've been writing about the same thing over and over again. Haha! Please accept my apology, because i'm still in that 'vitamin C's-graduation' kind of mood, if ya know what i mean. Huhu...But i'll settle down soon. i think so...hopefully....
Haaaaa~

Lots of luv,
Moonshin.

as i plucked down the last star....

Even as I hugged each one of my friends goodbye…
Even as we cried together that fateful night…
Somewhere, deep in my heart…
I was hopeful, in denial – believed whole-heartedly that it was not forever.
We might occasionally bump into each other.
Meet up at weddings, bearing presents and exchange stories.
There’s also the convocation to look forward to…
And of course, the reunions.
But things will never be the same again. I know.
And that pains me.

No more midnight outings for ice-creams…
No more gossips over lunch together…
No more trips to malls to check out new arrivals…
No more drooling over Korean idols in the evenings…

I wouldn’t be able to give opinions on your new clothes…
I wouldn’t be able to buy you ice-creams when you’re sad…
I wouldn’t be able to give you a pat on the back when you deserved it…
I wouldn’t be able to ‘laugh openly’ at your jokes…
Since my SMS couldn’t deliver my voice to you...
cause I am here whereas,
You are there.

As i plucked down the last star from the ceiling,
on my last night at campus as an undergrad...
it finally dawned on me...
the overwhelming feeling of something coming to an end.

As i plucked down the last star from the ceiling,
i also made a wish that the end also marked a new beginning...
new chapter in life...
and of course, another day to spend, playing under the sun
with all of you, my friends.

Anchor

Do you have an ‘anchor’ in the ‘outside world’?
Well, I have… but only a few.
They scatter around my perimeter,
creating safe zones – places, I can call my own.
And in times, anchoring me from unpredictable waves of reality.

And Dr. J is one of that anchors…
She has been one, ever since the first day I stepped into the lecture hall.
I remember writing her a note on that day…
Insisting to be included in her tutorial.
For her birthday last month, I put together a little ‘something’ in front of her room…
There were colorful balloons with ribbons…
A banner with ‘Happy Birthday Dr. J’ written on them…
And a card with my wishes and lyric of a song that I dedicated to her.
But I didn’t put my name on it though…
I just wanted others to know…
So that she could receive lots of wishes and love on her special day.
Anyway, she phoned me the next day saying…
“I know it’s you. You’ve made my day…”
I met her today at work.
She kissed my cheeks twice before we said goodbye…
To me, she’s my only teacher.

I have a single-track mind, you see.
I focus on my study and I do my own things, my way.
Believe me when I say…
it’s hard to be so, without a friend around to be your anchor.
Yat is my anchor among the many familiar faces of friends.
If you are reading this, Yat, please don’t go repeating this in front of my face.
I’d die of embarrassment. Hahahahaaa!
She’s the one I’d call to share my days’ stories…
She’s the one I’d call when I’m hungry and needed food… ;)
She’s the one I’d call when I’m happy or sad…
She’s the one I’d call when I want to go shopping…
She’s the one I’m most comfortable with…
No pretence. No lies.
She’s my anchor without a doubt.

Syud, my old roommate came to my room today.
Yes, she’s also another one of my anchor.
We’ve shared so much memories together of life in college.
I still remember creeping around in the dead silent night…
We fried some instant ‘prawn cekodoks’ using her multi-purpose cooker,
at 12 midnight…laughing, chatting, gossiping and sharing secrets…
We spent so many nights, just lying awake, talking to each other…
She’s the only friend who has ever had a sleepover at my house.
She will forever be, one of my anchors.

Do you have friends that no matter what they do, you just can’t bring
yourself to hate or to be mad at them?
I have many of those and one of them is also another anchor of mine.
Syamim has been around ever since my high school days.
We’ve gone our separate ways but we still keep track of each other.
It’s weird how every time I hang out with her, it’s like…
We’ve never been apart at all…
It’s like being back in high school days all over again.
She is the anchor that connects the past and the present ‘me’.

You know, writing this down has made me realized that,
to be and to feel accepted is important.
I am who I am and I can be who I want to be because I have
my anchors around for support when my family is out of reached.
I have also realized that to ‘classify’ a person as my anchor…
Doesn’t need so much of a ‘qualification’ than a reaching hand for me
to hold and be friends.

So, to all of my friends,
thank you for being a part of this world.
With you guys in it, everything is so much fun, colorful and full of joy.
I hope we’ll stay friends forever.
Let us not be strangers the next time we meet again.
Bye for now.

Lots of Luv, Moonshin.

with the moon

It has been very hot lately.
The usual loitering around the room has become considerably unbearable
because of the heat.
Afternoon nap…
will have you drenched in sweat in minutes.
So, I’ve been doing my work late into the night in anticipation of cooler surroundings.
Somehow, my brain disengaged when it’s hot.
As if…
it hibernated when the environment becomes too hostile.
I just dozed off – unknowingly.

I start my work around midnight.
Checking and sending emails. Organize and update the files. Search for new info.
Whatever it is that my boss has instructed me to do.
Without realizing it…
My ‘day’ has become my ‘night’….
And the moon is in the place of the sun.
The moon is my sun…
at the moment.

I enjoy working while listening to songs.
Last night, I listened to only Spitz.
Occasionally, glancing at the open-window…
The moon seemed closer with the passing time…
I know it’ll soon disappear behind those hills in the background…
It’ll be invisible in the presence of the sun.

But that’s okay cause I know it’s there – just hidden.
I might be out here alone but I have my family.
They are like the moon – always there.
So, I’ll walk on tomorrow, always with the moon.

what i have is small

Mom,
I wish I could buy that Timberland handbag for you…
So you could brag and show it to your friends when you go
for your usual morning trips – selling cakes and rice up at the stalls joint.
You said that it’s a hassle to have a handbag around…
But, I know better.

Dad,
I wish I could take you out on trips across the world.
So you could exchange stories among friends…
Have new experiences to talk about…
I know retirement does not suit you because
the usual light behind your eyes is often absent these days.
Yes, I can tell.

Sis,
I wish I could buy you new clothes when you start your new job.
Lil Sis,
I wish I could buy you tons of delicious things to eat all the time,
and not just occasionally….

I wish I could bring better gifts with me for my students this coming Saturday.
We are getting together again after a long time…
But all that I could bring with me are cheap key chains.

I know that I’m not that good of a person.
I’m not empathic…I’m almost always make trouble for everyone.
I’m of no used in many things…

But please know that…
Even though, what I have is small…
Even though, all that I can give right now is next to nothing…
Please accept them with an open heart…
Family, friends and my students…
I’m grateful to all of you.

Thank you.

getting used to...

Unlike what everybody else is saying...
'getting used to anything' is difficult.
at least, that is how i feel.

i'm old now, i know...
there are certain expectations people imposed on us when we get to this stage in life.
whether we've agreed to it...
whether we like it or not.

people younger than me - my juniors - expect me to know all the nooks and cranny of campus life...
they say that i must be getting used to 'things' as a senior undergrad...
...used to get in front and do the presentations...
...used to sit in exams and get As...
...so used to everything that my life is like a walk in the park to them.
but in actuality, i am not used to anything.

everything needs - if not a lot - a little courage.

i expected that, after 4 years of living outside the comforts of home,
i'll be getting used to coming home and then, leaving it after a period of time...
but no.
there is this tight feeling in my stomach every time the bus started to move...
...every time, i kissed my parents' hands goodbye...
...the first few seconds, when i found myself alone in my room back at campus...
i'm not used to anything.

the only thing that i'm getting used to is...
how life's getting harder as you get older.
i'm not saying it as a bad thing...
just letting you guys know, that life's can be a bitch at times.(LOL)

it'll take efforts and courage every time...
i don't think that it is a bad way to live life.
a bit stressful, i guess.
but 'getting used to something' tends to make you take things for granted, don't you think?
herm....

night and day

Night and day.
The difference is so little…
of a word…
In the absence of light.

But the feelings they invoke,
when alone…. is indescribable.

Riding this bus back to college…
…9.30 pm…
Passing by… lighted little windows…
I’ve never felt more alone.
Even the songs that I listen to on my mp3,
Failed – to fill in the surrounding emptiness.

waiting...

A good day at work

SMS exchanged between Moonshin and her Dad. She just got back from a meeting – still exhilarated from the day’s work, she sent her Dad a SMS.

Moonshin : Had a great day today at work…I think, I belong here.
Dad : what do yow alk do. Lt sounds so interesting.
Moonshin : Couldn’t understand a word…English plzz…
Dad : What did you do today to make it sounds so great?

Moonshin felt like an idiot. She uses perfect-spelled words every time with Mom and Dad so that they could understand. But at that time, she felt she was playing the fool. Not such a great day for Dad…maybe. Anyhow, Moonshin continued with her explanation – blissfully unaffected by the hint of sarcasm in Dad’s reply.

Moonshin : Oh, just the usuals I guess. But I’m more used to it by now. Dr. B’s praise being the major factor…I can see myself striving really hard in this line of work… I get along well with the other RAs… We joke around, order in Pizza huts for lunch and then, to continue working again. I like this atmosphere.
Dad : Oh I see. I am happy for you too.

It ended here – short and sweet – because Moonshin had forgotten that her credit was running pretty low after that phone call to Pizza hut…Damn…

............................................................................

just received an email...
i might have to go oversea sooner than i think,
to work on the research.

been watching a lot of planes up in the sky lately...
i'm getting on one soon.
just the thought of it...
the thought of being able to learn and experience new things,
.....can't find a good enough word to describe how i feel inside.
but yeah, i'm happy and look forward to it.

always keep the faith.

Sunsets from my window Part 3

life is driving me up the wall.
seriously, i'm nuts.
I thought, being a research assistant is easy...
i thought...sure, i could balance everything...
between assignments, projects and work...boy, was i ever wrong.
oh, yeah. and private life. Forgot about that for a moment there.
Phew!

i am a giant ball of stress.
but the odd thing is i am happy.
i found myself at ease on top of all of these mess!
Stress-out and at ease at the same time?????
now, i'm not even making sense.

but i do know that being busy and stress-out mean
i am working on something meaningful - i'm working for my future and...
my dream.
i am moving one step further on that ladder, baby!
already, submitted my master application...
will be graduating on August...oh yeah, need to update my photo...
don't want that DUCK face appear on screen.huhuhuhuhu...

i guess that,
we need to have faith, not just when the 'miracles' happened...
but also when they don't.

enjoy your day ;)