Sunday, July 25, 2010

understanding 'me'


i got a free ride from the taxi uncle today (this is a big deal, trust me. they are hardly a generous species).
and you know what, out of all the subjects that i've taken as an undergrad,
psychology...time and time again, proves to be the most useful of them all.

a little poke him a warm smile (don't over do it, u don't want him to think that u are hittin' on him)...
analyze his age...decipher his personality...
most important of all, let him do the talking.

Yep, 'the successful story of my sons and daughters' are what most of the 'taxi uncles' like to talk about.
and i can understand why.
I don't mind listening to them...kind of remind me of my old folks at home.

but today, i hardly listened...
there's something that's been bugging me all week, you see.
i guess, the taxi uncle could sniff the problem off me...
all of a sudden, he asked me for my birthday date.
"24th of February. Nothing special, why you asked?".
"I have some concerns about your parents..."

what the hell?
that is sooooo true...i just gaped at him.

"You used to be a naughty girl...caused a lot of problems and worries for your parents when your are little...are we getting close?"
"Well, no. i'm never naughty...i was..."
"that's okay, but now you know better and that's all there is to it".

He dropped me off at my college and i handed him the money.
"No need. It's okay, it's been fun talking to you"
I smiled (really smiled this time) and said thanks.

Honestly, i used to be a very 'difficult' child...and that's just putting it mildly.
i can't control my emotions and i don't understand them.
but now that i do, i think i'm living life better.

all of these emotions that i'm feeling...ten times stronger than most people...
it's just who i am...

I can't change my routines because it makes me feel disoriented and uncomfortable - i like to feel prepared at all times.
I can't have noise or people talking to me in the morning - whatever emotions or confusions that i had in my dreams when i was sleeping still lingers in my mind.
it feels so real sometimes, i have problems telling my brain that it's not.
I don't like people touching my stuff or go to my room without permission - i always know and 'see' their trails all over them.
I can't talk about what's bothering me - because i don't know how.
I can't seem to be able to tell stories properly most of the time - because it seems like my mouth can't keep up with my mind.
I can't read without my mp3 - because i need something to distract my 'other brain' that seems to always wants to draw, take pictures, make clothes, etc.

Despite my grades, i'm a slow learner - i listen hard in class, but i hardly remember it afterwards.
i only managed to get all of my ABC at 9 and reading came later after that.
Whenever i have an emotional blow, my heart 'literally' hurt and in pain.
One time, i had a big fight with my Mom - i thought i'd die.

I love black the most - because i feel like i could be at least a little bit cheerful than the color that i'm wearing.
That's why my drawings and pictures that i took were all in black and white.

i don't need to know the lyrics or translations of Korean or Japanese songs - because i always know the meanings just by listening to them.
once when i was a little. there was this one song that my big sister and i really liked. we listened to it on the radio but we never saw the clip. we really wanted to see what's the clip looked like...we talked about it all the time. i was so obsessed about it that i dreamed about it.
When the clip was finally on tv, guess what, it's exactly the same as the one in my dream.

Mom, sorry for all the troubles (morning episodes)...i just hate school and didn't want to go at all.
Let alone tuition.
Dad, sorry for all the troubles too (evening episodes)...i just...didn't know how to go to sleep by myself.
and sorry too for the hospital episodes and whatnots.

and even this morning, before going back to UKM. You shouldn't have ironed my clothes for me, Dad.
it's sweet that you did...and i know that you just wanted to help...
Still, it changed my routine...
But i was okay...i'm trying to understand little by little these pieces of me.
i'm learning to 'bend' where it is necessary...and not let it bothers me too much.

Right now, i've learned that a lot pieces of me am grateful to you both.
i want to be independent fast and be useful and helpful to you...
i never knew that such feelings existed before.

these feelings...they used to confuse me to such a point that they also affect you.
but i'm okay now.
and that's all there is to it.

recently, it comes to my knowledge that others who have feelings like mine tend to do 'stupid' things. I am grateful that mine can be directed to more 'useful' and 'healthy' purposes. Hope there'll be light for those 'lost souls'....


ERMAYUM said...

wow good for u free ride huh -mesti dia teringat anak dia so that why you got free ride hehe

life is a learning experience moonshin - people change over time - we will change as well - sedar atau tidak

u re not so bad u know - i more or less like you back then :)

happy living :)

moonshin said...

guess so...wait, back then? care to elaborate more, ermayum? story laa...