Herm...she looks like a nice lady...
i think i'll be fine studying under her..
just met my supervisor a couple of minutes ago.
July seems so much nearer when looking at it
from this half-part of the year.
one more month, one more new chapter in life.
feels as though the one month of hell i suffered...
like an illusion...
gone like a wisp of smoke in a magician's cheap show in Vegas.
I drowned in a chamber of self-loathing...
anger, disappointment, ...
my sense of pitiful-insecurity and shamed...
have been shadowing me all this time,
finally came crashing down, in ways i couldn't comprehend...
sending big tsunamis and hurricane...
washing and scraping my little heart, bare and raw.
for a while there, i lost my sense of self.
i'm nothing but a vessel with no soul.
a heart but with no words.
like a robot without the batteries..
lifeless, and limp.
nothing went in or out of me.
almost like the other half of me had died...
today i laugh with everyone else.
like i said before, it's hard not to,
when you're with your friends.
but as i received a news from home today...
i don't know...it's as if the 'switch' is suddenly turned off.
am i cured?
am i pretending that's everything is pretty on the outside,
when the color of my blouse - black - is how i really feel inside?
do i want people to know that i am not happy?
do i want them to understand?
what can they do even if they knew?
doesn't change anything.
i'm still trying to figure myself out.
but as for now, i just do what and live out how i feel inside.
if i got no appetide, then fine, starve.
if i feel like bitching, then fine, be horrible.
if i feel like being dead, then fine, be dead.
i'm on a 'long vacation' away from life.
away from 'me'.