Wednesday, June 9, 2010

long vacation

Herm...she looks like a nice lady...
i think i'll be fine studying under her..

just met my supervisor a couple of minutes ago.
July seems so much nearer when looking at it
from this half-part of the year.
one more month, one more new chapter in life.

feels as though the one month of hell i suffered...
like an illusion...
gone like a wisp of smoke in a magician's cheap show in Vegas.

I drowned in a chamber of self-loathing...
anger, disappointment, ...
my sense of pitiful-insecurity and shamed...
have been shadowing me all this time,
finally came crashing down, in ways i couldn't comprehend...
sending big tsunamis and hurricane...
washing and scraping my little heart, bare and raw.

for a while there, i lost my sense of self.
i'm nothing but a vessel with no soul.
a heart but with no words.
like a robot without the batteries..
lifeless, and limp.
Defeated.

nothing went in or out of me.
almost like the other half of me had died...

today i laugh with everyone else.
like i said before, it's hard not to,
when you're with your friends.

but as i received a news from home today...
i don't know...it's as if the 'switch' is suddenly turned off.

am i cured?
am i pretending that's everything is pretty on the outside,
when the color of my blouse - black - is how i really feel inside?

do i want people to know that i am not happy?
do i want them to understand?
what can they do even if they knew?
doesn't change anything.

i'm still trying to figure myself out.
but as for now, i just do what and live out how i feel inside.
if i got no appetide, then fine, starve.
if i feel like bitching, then fine, be horrible.
if i feel like being dead, then fine, be dead.
stop being.

i'm on a 'long vacation' away from life.
away from 'me'.

2 comments:

ERMAYUM said...

moonshin dear i hope all is ok even if it is not please be strong and live. be alone is ok - take time to figure things out but dont be away from "life" or yourself". it is Ok to lose yourself in the flood of people but you must hold yourself close to YOU - you have to - that is all that makes up of "you". that is all that yourself got - YOU. there is always light at then end of the tunnel dear, just continue walking k , have faith

moonshin said...

i received a big shock recently. well at least, that is how i feel at the time. i have 'a person' or so i thought...and around this person, i could just be myself. i don't have to pretend to be nice, cool, or whatever. just be plain me.

it dawns on me now that i just need someone to bully...someone that could make me feel good about myself. and what's worst, as i thought i was just being myself, this person was actually adjusting, adapting to my pace, cutting me slack, let me be the bully. i dunno why? pity?

i lost my ego and my pride. it seems that these two have been covering for me from the get-go. i want to face the world head on this time. no more hiding behind excuses. like u said Er, this time around, i wanna be truthfully me.