TAJ MAHAL

Taj Mahal is one of the 7 wonders of the world for a very good reason...I'm more in love with it now I've really listened to its story....Glad I made the decision to go to India.

TOKYO TOWER

A visit to Tokyo Tower is actually one of the entries I've written down for my bucket list.
Yes, I have a bucket list.
I'm grateful that I get to see it with my own eyes and actually went to the top.
I even listened to Amuro Namie's Song 'Love Story' while i was up there....just as how I had it all planned out. hehehehe ^^

My First Autumn....ever ^^

Life: Just suck it up and laugh

 2 weeks visit to Tokyo, Japan.
Been wanting to go since forever...
I've visited Harajuku, Odaiba, Kasairinkai Kouen, Tokyo Tower and Fujikyu.

It has been beyond my wildest dreams...and only 2 weeks ago, I was in Delhi...I went to Taj Mahal and Agra Fort.

Looking forward to the future...I wouldn't be able to see or predict such events ever occurring in any chapters of my life....
I am, by all means, ordinary.
My background is ordinary.
I finished school, went to university and then, straight to grad school.
I landed myself a fellowship with a university so, a job is guaranteed once I've received my MA.
And I did. Next month, I'll start lecturing...

I love writing and researching...
and that paves the way to conferences and because of that I get to travel...
Living the kind of life I've always wanted since I was a child...

It hasn't been an easy ride....looking back, only now did i understand...

The days I made myself sit through boring classes...
The pain of not having means to get what you want...
Putting up a smile to people you'd rather smack down right there and then....
Having other people claiming your work is theirs....
Putting up with limited choice of food selection...
Worst of all...when you can only do so much to help Mom and Dad

The worries...the tears...the pain....

But since I'm all aware others suffered much worse....I just took it in my stride...played on some music in my mp3....and keep on walking and smiling.

All of that has given birth to today.
So...I'll wash my brand new car everyday if i wanted too.
I'll smile in pics i took during my trips.
I'll feel happy and proud of myself without feeling any guilt or constraint.
I'll do it all in moderation since I still have a long way to go...

My advice to self....just suck it up...it'll get better. Don't give up.

I will be

My VIVA went really well last Tuesday.
It was at 2.30 in the afternoon and I drove my own car over to the faculty.
6 hours worth of journey back-and-fro...
I made it home in time for dinner with my family.
Sounds ordinary to you?
It was beyond my wildest dreams, for me.
I was holding back on a lot of things before came Tuesday.
I just couldn’t move on...couldn’t act on any of my plans...couldn’t be happy and celebrate any of my good news...till I was sure my Master is in the bag.
To the society THAT is my worth.

My whole being - my very existence is my brain.
My qualification – my Master degree....for now.
That pays for my car, for my dreams, for my wish to be useful – for my everything.
Sounds pathetic?
Okay, maybe a little...
LOL.

But I am very proud of myself for the fact that I earn every penny out of my own effort.
I am very grateful.
To be able to make a living out of something that I love; that, in itself is a form of joy.
From the past, I’ve learned that...
People; aren’t always kind.
Life; isn’t always fair.
Luck; isn’t always there.

I couldn’t recommend any of my students even though they are good because my opinions carry no values in comparison to those of a professor’s.
I couldn’t keep out ‘alien names’ from invading my own work because I needed the funding, ‘publicity’ and ‘network’.
It’s funny, really.

Some kept asking whether the car I’m driving is really mine.
They used to exclaim in great disbelief to discover I went around places by bus...
Others had been wondering out loud whether I have graduated or not.
They used to have the ‘modesty’ to talk in secret behind my back but now; they announced it at gatherings among old friends.
Haaa....Life.

A little bit of explanation on my part might reduce the ‘white noise’ a bit, I guess.
But I have never been one that goes around asking people to understand and accept me.
They don’t see the whole of me just as I do them.
To me that’s makes it fair.
I’m living 24/7 and they based their judgment on me on a fraction of that time.
Logically thinking, how accurate and valid is that?
So why should I let it bother me?
What I know of my life and how I am; are facts to me.



It is a fact that I received many compliments on my dissertation.
It is a fact that a lot of people had congratulated me that day.
Upon hearing the result, I cried and was soon, embraced by my lecturers.
However, it is also a fact to me and only me that I had crossed yet another item on my bucket list and it was not my MA qualification.
I started my list 2 months ago after realizing that I am not getting younger.
I want to keep track on some that I have achieved and those that I haven’t...
I’ll be crossing out on two more comes October...maybe three.


People; aren’t always unkind.
Life; isn’t always unfair.
Luck; STILL isn’t always there.
Over-analysing things only make my head hurts when it shouldn’t.
So, I trust myself to make things happen and to better the present to make sense of the past and to brighten up the future.
I’ve passed the stage where I could only dream and do nothing...
Now, I can make things happen.
Let me tell you this that it had nothing to do with me getting my MA or whatever...
It was only because I decided to be.

thinking me...

There are times when I think thinking will only make things worst...
Or rather, it will make me feel worse.
I’ll worry.
I’ll become anxious and unsure of myself.

Should I buy that dress? Isn’t it the same with the one I bought not too long ago?
But if I don’t buy it now, who knows when I’ll get a second chance and it might sold-out...
Is this really worth my money? It’s tearing apart at the seams...just look at it.
But I really like the design and it’ll be a good match with my jacket...
.................

Now, that I have finished my courses...
I spend most days at home...catch up on some reading...preparing for my big presentation day...
Counting the days...
For what you might ask?
I honestly, have no idea...but I have taken a liking to cross out the days on the calendar every day.

Most of my friends are working and the few that aren’t live in another state far away from my hometown.
It’s hard to make a phone call or even send a text to them without having the feeling like I’ll just be a bother...
It makes me feel really lonesome sometimes.
Like I’m living in another dimension different from my friends’...
I find it funny how a simple feeling...the notion of ‘I miss you’ can become so complicated and distorted after some thinking things through...

 “It’s been a while...and I kind of wish I could see and talk to you”
It’s as simple as that.

Waiting for a call that never came...
Waiting for that person to come to you...
Most of the time, we console ourselves or rather we ‘kill’ our feelings with lame excuses such as...
“She has her own life to think about...”
“He is busy at work...and I don’t really have anything particular to say to him...”
“We’ll have other chances”

We are thinking wrong.
I think we should respond to our feelings not by lying to ourselves but by thinking how best to make it possible to come true.
If he doesn’t call you, you should call him.
If it’s a bad time, explain how you are sorry and missed him.
Come on, grow up~ ‘I miss you’ is not ‘I love you’~
If she doesn’t text you back, call her up...send a message on FB or whatever.

 Haaaa....Even though our inner voices are of our own makings; never forget to keep it under constant observation for signs of when it starts to give not-so-clever opinions, okay?
Hahahahah...I’m taking this advice for myself too. ^^

My Professor and Me

This 'conversation' took place in FB.

ME:
thinking back on it now...looking at life as a whole...it feels like a long 'summer vacation' for me. lately, i've been gettin a feelin that it'll end soon...25 years...herm. guess i'm finally ready now - as all of matters of the heart, i'll know when its time. ^^

Professor:
For what, dear?

ME:

I don’t mean to sound patronizing but that’s a really good question. Herm...I guess it’s to start owning up to life? Be it when I’m learning in class, chatting with friends or family, going to new places and look at different things... I’ve always look at life as ‘collecting’ info to be put into different jars that make Me. I have a jar for who I am; a jar for ‘English’, a jar especially for ‘trees’, a jar for my little sister and each for Mom and Dad, a jar for ‘Chinese songs’, a jar for ‘jeans’, a jar for ‘dreams’, a jar of ‘regrets’ and a jar for ‘listening’. It took me 16 years to have enough in my jar of ‘Arts’ to be able to take the subject for SPM and aced it. Before then, my artwork had always been hideous and horrible. I had my jar of trees, jar of colours, and others to help me pull it through though.

So life at this point in time, to me, it feels like a very long summer vacation; where I am this girl with a ponytail, a pair of sneakers smeared with mud, a bag full of jars with holes holding a net with both hands...I don’t want to be seen as an arrogant fool by claiming that all of my jars are filled with life-butterflies. But still, I am confident to say that all of the jars that make Me, are full enough to give my being, sustenance. I am Me and I have no regrets following this path I’ve chosen. My summer vacation coming to an end is by all means not a waste of time, neither it is a symbol of regret or past-longing, it is just another gateway to life with a more fuller-Me and a more rigorous outlook in life and in action. I’ll continue collecting more jars and filling them and perhaps, will have more ‘summer vacation’ in my life than expected, but that’s just me. I have my own foundation now; I won’t be scared so easily anymore and nor will I feel empty.

P/S: I have a jar under your name too, Dr. I’ve been your students for almost 6 years now...the day you bought the whole class pizzas, working with you on the book about mobility program in Indonesia, when you got mad at me about making appointment (hehehe~), the day when you remembered my name, and the time when we hugged in front of the faculty office after sharing that sad news (I wanted to console you but it ended up, you consoling me), about your cat, how you’d prefer bread over rice during lunch, etc.

 P/S2: Love your new car by the way ^^ Gosh, you got my dream car... Take care, Dr. ^^

You think I over done it?.........i think so too. heheheheh ^^ but i like to explain myself, you see...so, there you are.

Lots of Luv,
Moonshin

herm... ^^

herm...for today, just a picture.

Mind you, I was hanging by the window to capture this.

Lucky didn't fall.

The words are from Craig David's 'World filled with Love'.

Felt like the mood at the time.

^^ LOL

Luv, Moonshin.

Meanings

Once, I told my lecturer about my plans for the semester holidays.

At the time, I was planning to work part-time at a bookstore, back in my hometown.

Starting from when I was 14, with the money I received as scholarship, I used to go there everyday to buy English novels.

Well, at first not really everyday....It took me weeks for me to finish my first novel.

It was one of Montgomery’s series of Anne’s Chronicles – ‘Anne of the Isle’.

I selected it with ease and without much fuss because it was like love at the first sight.

From the title to the cover page and to its story summary at the back, I couldn’t help thinking at the time, what kind of world and wonders were in stored in that book through the author’s eyes...
Now thinking back, the feeling was akin to when I first got hold of my international passport...


But my lecturer upon hearing my plans, gave me a half-smirk smile and half-disbelief tone hidden behind forced courtesy as though such plan was worthy of ridicule is beyond my understanding even to this day.
“Such work is beneath you”, she said. But why?
Her focus into achieving her goals in life is admirable.
However, the more I learn and the more I mingle with such group of people...
The more empty and lost I felt inside; I found such world to be too tiring to live in.
With less to look forward to...

They take pride in wearing branded goods, having status and being mentioned on the evening news, travel on first class ticket, having expensive cars and if possible, more ferociously about their past glories and how it’ll continue into the future.

A simpleton though I may be, even I know that future is unpredictable and it is only optimistic beyond foolishness to claim anything of what’s-to-come.

 At the age of 25, I still don’t own a car.

I just got my license.

So, I took the bus like all of my other students when I have lecture or work that needs to be done at the faculty. Well as a matter of fact, everywhere.
Naturally, I’ve been labelled as weird and people have looked at me in disbelief and more pathetically, in sympathety after having discovered the true fact.

Frankly speaking, it is a pain in the ass to have to take the bus to go anywhere.

However...it is all but in our minds isn’t it?
Once I have assured myself of what I can do and what I stand to receive from this world, other voice reduce to merely but white noises.
Like from an old radio – switching them off is enough to do the trick.
I learn how to manage my time better and after years, my skill of predicting the bus arrival is legendary among my fellow hostel mates.

Whenever I sit by the window while taking a bus ride...whenever I see a person by the side of the road looking less fortunate than I am...
I couldn’t help but to ask myself, ‘Why should I be here and you over there?’
'What allows for such differences?'

Looking at how things are...'branded goods'...they don't mean much, do they?
Well...at least not in the kind of world, I'd like to live in.

How about you? What kind of world would you like to live in?

The older I get the more I believe...to be kind is the most important thing of all.
Be kind, for empathy.
For yourself, for those who are important to you...to uphold your principles.
In the end, I'm the one who has to give the meaning to everything in my life.
Not anyone else.

Me and who i want to be~

All that i am and all that i can ever be, is simply a compromised version of my ideal self.
Heck, why not? 99-80% to perfection is good enough, won't u say? ^^
buhbye M~ hellloooo V~ and buhbyee too, to CU~ helloooo, MU~

There's no telling in 10 years' time, I'll be 'dumping' both M and V, and go for Porsche instead~ heheheheh...you gotta dream big, baby~

I'll work hard for MU. It's a good place too. I'd be honored to study at such a pretigious establishment.
There's no telling I won't go for a post-doc after that, too~ heheheheh...
What is that? Oh yes, it is Hope i'm feeling blooming in my chest.
I might be seeing you a little later than planned, CU, but i'll get there, someday. ^^

I'll be fine - both legs still there, you see. I have no excuse not to try.

There. I feel better now. ^^

Tata.
Lots of luv, Moonshin.

ps: they say i don't look anywhere near like a lecturer~ see if i care~ ^^ hehehe...fyi, I wear accordingly when i'm in class. So the children are safe. Rest assured~

When they fight, I....

At 8 years old, when Mom packed her bags in the dead of night, threatening to bring my siblings and me over to GrandMa’s....

I, at the time sitting beside Mom had once wished for it all to be over.

I really did want all the quarrels and unhappiness to stop...

I came to realize that the scene being played in front of me will be the beginning of many more to come in the future.

For whatever wisdom that I had as an 8 year old, I questioned the relevance of staying together if both only ended up hurting.

Flashes of possible future flooded before my mind’s eyes of how my life would be if they did end up going different ways.

You must think that I am a horrible child...

Maybe I am.

But they never did.

Even though I often seek an infinite stop to things which might or have hurt me in the past to protect myself, but from the bottom of my heart, I am glad that they are still together.

You see, my parents’ love for each other is what keeps my world in balance.

It seems that no matter whether I am 8 or 28, I need to know that my parents still love each other.

I need to have a family.

At 25 years of age, I finally am able to fully appreciate how lucky I am to have one.

Yesterday, they fought again.

While I tried to turn on a blind eye, I knew something was different.

It went from bad to horrible.

When they sent me off to the bus station without the usual smiles and warmth, I felt the ground beneath my feet began to crumble.

Even the sky was dull-empty grey.

When Dad’s texted me, I felt my heart broke.

Looking at how Mom reacted to the situation made me think that I should never get married.

If this is how I would become 30 years into marriage...I’d rather not marry at all.

Her harsh words made me think that love might not be as invincible and lasting as I thought it could

be.

Mom makes a part of me. I echo her in every decision and action that I have made...naturally, including those that I will make as well.

But I want to believe that in relationship, there exist, love and respect for one another.

I don’t want sadness and pain be the only colours that are left on my palette during the final stage of my marriage.

I don’t want to believe that love wanes as you get older.

Many would say that arguments and quarrels are normal even in a healthy relationship.But how about the pain and sad memories?

They were and are very real to me....

Mom called later during the day to tell me that everything is okay now, between them.

Again, I had that 8-year-old-voice in me saying how it’ll happen again and I’ll end up hurting.

I might have given up on the idea of marriage but I just couldn’t give up on Mom’s and Dad’s.

I was so relieved by the news that tears were really cheap for me today.

Even later, after dinner with friends at The Mines...

As if from a distance, while I could hear laughter coming out of my mouth from watching Alex and Skipper in Madagascar 3...It was somewhat sad all at the same time.

It had me thinking, maybe...we live is to understand love.

Osaka ^^

My proposal has been accepted for Oral Presentation at ACE 2012. The Conference will be held in Osaka, Japan, at the Ramada Osaka Hotel.
I guess I'm going to Osaka comes October. ^^
I'm really excited!

Took me some pain...

Lately, it seems I've forgotten to remind myself to look backwards, instead of just forward.

It'll only make sense when we connect the little dots from the past to the present.

But I've been too weary of the future that I was a little bit numb to feel motivated or inspired or even to be comfortable to be 'me'.

I had a little bit of a rough patch 2 days ago...my parents were so worried about me but at the same time, clueless as what to do...

So they kept on buying me my favorite food...

Only yesterday, my Dad exclaimed, 'Thank God you’re eating! It’s gonna be okay....'.

Hahahaha...

I guess I must have looked really awful for them to be that relief.

I was being negative to a point I can’t do anything....

I sat on the stairs of my house for hours what felt like where I should be...I didn’t know whether I should go upstairs or downstairs.

Like in real life, where I stand – not moving.

But I’m ok now.

It turned out not to be ‘one of that episode’.

^^

Yeah, I am a normal human being. I do have them occasionally.

I forced myself to come back to reality...

As a result, today, I’ve fallen down on my knees in the middle of the road with my jeans torn, my knees bleeding and my sandal ruined.

Falling down is my bread and butter, fyi.

Don’t bother checking the road, I know its fine – it’s just me.

I forgot that I was walking like I forgot to tell myself to listen when I’m sitting in lecture halls for a lecture.

Definitely gonna be one of my top 10 series.

I watched this Japanese drama a long time ago, ‘Overtime’...

So, if I am destined to take an ‘OT’ this time around, be it.

I can’t give up.

I’ve done too much to give up now.

Took me some pain to override my negative thoughts to come up to a conclusion...
that's everything is going to be alright.

Because it's ME.

Whatever decision comes my way...like in the past...it'll be alright...

because I'm the one who makes it - no one else.

I will protect you

Ito Yuna’s song, “Mamotte Agetaii”...

“Just like the moon isn't full yet, just like the weather after the rain draws a rainbow in the sky

Even sadness will eventually become a sparkling star someday

A wish embracing shining star”

It means, ‘I will protect you’.

I don’t have anybody that protects me.

But I can protect.

Outside families and friends, I don’t have anybody that loves me.

But I can love.

Don’t stop doing just because you are not one of the people at the receiving end.

There is special kind of happiness waiting for those who are doing the protecting, loving and caring....

I understand it now.

I am Me ^^

I’ve been told recently that my writing style is 'childish' - 'very adolescent-like'.
.....
I am 25 years old.
I am a fellow at an established state university.
I’m in my final stage of completing my Master at a research university where I’ve also lectured undergrads as well as teach English subject to the gifted students in the national gifted program.
I’ve published some academic papers and have received an international Graduate Award last July.
Currently, I’m tightening some loose ends to my undergrad thesis.
I am lucky to find a publishing house that is willing to help me with its publication – free of charged.
.......
So at first when I heard such comment being said behind my back, I felt so sad that I cried.
I’ve work hard knowing my weaknesses and never have I ever paraded any of this so-called-achievement...
I never see them as that myself, so why would I....

I am a teacher who teaches writing and for someone to say that I shouldn’t....
I, myself don’t want to put anybody in any disadvantage because of me.
But yet, this had happened and I must say I just couldn’t understand it.

Must I use difficult words to get my message across?
Must I use strong sentences when I know that a fact, in actuality is a fragile thing?

I believe that we should be humble in our pursuit for the truth.
The more we learn, the more we realize we don’t know.
I am not in a race for anything.
I am happy just to discover and to appreciate what God has made for us.
So I use whatever means that I have to the best of my ability to share whatever inspirations that have and will come my way.

I am still learning.
I see no end in Me. Do you see an end in You?
Please give me that chance and then, give the same to yourself.

I won’t be mad at my friend even if her intention was to hurt me.
I won’t be mad because I believe that rather than making a point, ‘adapting to the situation’ and ‘make the best of it’ is more important, challenging and what’s more....

I know a lost case when I see one.
“Brave is not the opposite of fear, rather the judgment something else is more important than fear...”

I have to acknowledge the fact that I ‘stumble’ pretty easily...this time, by mere words...
But...
I've discovered as well, that I ‘got up' again, pretty fast....well done, Me.

I'm Sorry.

Whenever you find yourself caught in an argument or misunderstanding...
Try to be empathetical towards that other person.
It is not, so that you can understand him or her better...
It is for you to see that each and every one of us is different.

I tend to forget that a lot and often times, I forced what I believe onto others...
“I thought she’d understand...”
“I thought we had a connection...”
“He should have...”
“She should have...”
“I thought I could trust him...”
That’s what happened when we think we are alike, when we are not.

And that happened to me too.
I think I owe an important person, an apology.

I don’t want to sweep the ‘messes’ under the rug...
I understand too well the universal rule of ‘we forgive, forget and we move on’...
But I don’t want to be forgiven for the things that you thought what I thought was the problem.
Get it? Or do you even know?
Will the ‘avoiding awkward moments’ be worth it in the future?

There are things that should be said rather than left unsaid...
Especially among families and best friends.

I know that it is better said than done.
But how many times are we going to use the same excuse throughout our lives?
I mean, life is short...
So, I want to start now...I want to make a promise to myself...
That whenever I can,
I want to try and explain myself as well as try to understand the other person.

I want to say that I am angry when I am angry.
I want to say that I am feeling sad when I am.

I realized it now...
That we are not often granted chances to say how we really feel...
Let it not be wasted anymore, than it was.

This thing about Daisy - part 2

Mom phoned earlier.
She told me that they only had one-stop on the way back home after the graduation ceremony...
Lil Sis didn't want a bouquet....she wanted food. (ahh, shoulda known~)
So, they went to eat something good instead...lots, lots of it.
Well, I was speechless for a good 2 seconds and then I snapped out of it.
Hahahaha...that's my family alright~ ^^


Just to show you, this was mine 2 years back...bouquet of daisies ^^

This thing about Daisy - part 1

I have a thing for white daisies.
They are my favourite flower.
Other flowers suffocate me somehow...
Feels fake...or at times, too overwhelming like a red rose...

I was being very blunt about it when I told everyone in my family that I wanted a bouquet of daisies on my graduation day.
I don’t mind the teddy bears...Pooh or whatever.
I just wished for some daisies....

Well...at first, I was told that ‘it just slipped from mind’ and that they have forgotten about it.
I felt like not going and I even cried about it to my roommate...
I kept on stalling when my family said it’s time to go...

Although in the end I did get my bouquet from my Sister...
I was sincerely happy for it...
But it would have been better to say that ‘you remember but didn’t have the time to go and buy’....

Honestly, for me...
that would have been so much better than
‘didn’t matter’ and ‘forgotten’.
...Would have hurt less.

My lil Sis will soon have her graduation this coming Friday.
Mom called me earlier during the day suggesting that I ‘sponsor’ the bouquet.
For a split second, I was brought back to that day...

Although it was different from what I imagined it to be...
Although I was robbed off the joy of having my dreamed bouquet...

Though bittersweet the memory may be...
Thinking back on it now, I am forever thankful that I didn’t sulk throughout the whole day...

When my family dropped me off at college after the ceremony...
I remembered feeling happy and a little bit...
Just a little bit...I remembered feeling proud of myself.


“Yeah, no problem Mom. Sure”

Lil Sis, I hope yours will be no less meaningful and memorable.

LOVE

(pic from: http://jootix.com/view/1778/i-love-you-i-love-you-love-heart-paper-1680x1050.html)

Not being able to find love shouldn’t be the reason not to love.
Love can manifest in many things and bring joy to many people.

That is how I felt when my Sister’s lil boy, Ryan leaped into his father’s arms, coming home from work...
Every move he makes...every new little thing he does...
Brings about waves of change in my Sister’s life...
Brings much joy...
That unknowingly that waves, brings ripples to my shore too.

I saw changes in my Sister that I never thought possible.
She gives way to Ryan’s happiness in her own way...
Makes me think of how my Mom and Dad have always give ways for mine...

It is almost embarrassing to go back to those days where I was a child with a sensitive heart but without a mind...
Now that I am able to at least try and reason with my heart...
I feel bit by bit, the veil is being pulled back for me each day.

To have a place to go home to...
To respect elders and to help those in need...
To believe in dreams despite living in one that is without...
To have a strong shield to keep loneliness and hardship at bay...

For tucking me in to sleep at night...
For making me my favourite food when I am home...
For worrying over my little cough heard over the phone...
For listening to my boring stories and lame complaints...

For believing in me...
For giving birth to me.

I think, for someone like me...it is hard to find others who would love me so unconditionally outside of family....

I have to stop being so selfish all the time.
I have to stop viewing the world as revolving around just, me.

That is how I see it every time I look at Lil Ryan.
He loves Sis and Brother Sue unconditionally...
It’s almost goes without thinking...
So natural...
But there I was...thinking things over...
I felt warmth in my heart but at the same time, I felt embarrass with myself – the Grown-up.

Along the way...growing up...I think I have somewhat changed.
My love increases and decreases over presents and disagreement...
That’s....disgusting.

We demand so much from our parents but in return...
Is our ordinary life is all we could offer?
Seems too little...

Do we received and forget?
Do I....?

Every time I go out of my way to do something for someone...
I want to think of it as out of love...
Empathy and sympathy is based on love, is it not?

Yesterday, I have never given it much thought...
I didn’t consider putting a value behind ‘Love’ because I thought it was a given...

I was wrong and I was stupid for thinking so.

I feel.

I celebrated my 25th birthday only last Friday.
I usually make a big deal out of it...
But this time around, I let it passed away like any other ordinary day.
Seemingly meaningless but unconsciously significant...

Now that phrase doesn’t mean much, does it?

I was introduced as co-lecturer in class...
The ‘Ohhh~’ made me feel like betraying their trust more than anything.
I kept thinking in my head how I feel more like a student than a teacher.
I kept thinking how at degree level if you are not in it for the long run, then whatever I teach would just complicate things...
I wanted to do so much but I ended up thinking it would all be for nothing.

I have a lot of questions.
Even as a student...be it now, as a student still/ teacher/ lecturer/ researcher (whatever I am).
I cannot promise anything except that I’ll try my best.
Whatever I impart in class will be my take on life... my take of the knowledge that I have gained from my teachers.
I cannot promise that it will not be tainted by my belief, biasness and prejudices...
But I will try to do right by my students this coming Friday and Thursday.

It has been bugging me since that Friday...
How scared I was to be in that class...
To receive the news that I’ll be teaching undergrads.
Scared but at the same time bewildered by the reason why.
I chose to be in this path and no joy rivals those of teaching.
I know that...
But somehow those feelings were there.

Funny how my heart scared so easily despite what I’ve been through...
I kept comparing myself with the other teachers that I’ve known...
How different I feel we are...

But then again, what’s wrong with being different?
Some people label the others so easily and here I am, doing the same thing to myself.
I should cut myself some slack sometimes...
If not, who else would?

It is a wonderment how coming to a consensus like this with yourself clears things up so easily...

“No one can make you feel inferior but yourself”.
I should always remember this....

like namie...

Been listening to Namie's Love Story pretty often these past couple of days...

"Life's no love story.." it says...
Yeah, no arguments there.

Demo, itsuka...namie no you ni, sono 'love storii' no you ni, naritaii.

ordinary Me

I was at gunpoint and then I woke up.
It took me seconds to realize that it wasn’t real...
I blinked and my throat felt dry and painful.
It’s 10 in the morning...Well, perhaps I should say afternoon.

Been having dreams everyday now...
Feels like my brain is trying to work out things to do on its own...
Feels like its bored...
Because I can’t...I don’t feel like doing anything...
I’m always wasted when it’s the holidays...
The feeling of lost more pronounce somehow...

I grabbed my towel and headed for the shower...then I realized everything is in downstairs toilet.
I went downstairs only to go back again thinking I prefer the one upstairs.
5 min came and gone...

30 min later, I rocked the mp3 playing SISTAR’s ‘Ma boy’...
With my dark mass of a laundry under one arm.
I chucked everything in a basin and started washing them.
It’s my principle to wash above 50 clothes by hand.

I know where the stains were or where to scrub more rigorously than anybody or machine can manage...
So, hence the Me sitting by myself next to the water tap, playing with soap and water.

I really like the smell...
The smell of something clean...I hate man-made-smell, like perfume...
Suffocates me...can only stands them for few seconds.

Mom and Dad were in the kitchen.
I could hear their ‘usual routine’.
But my defences are too advanced that whatever I don’t want to hear becomes white-noises as soon as it enters the brain...
So I’m un-hurt most of the time now...
It wasn’t so in the past...since I know what I hear and remembers them.

The one-piece that I was washing was the one I wore on a Sunday-out last weekend.
It was a lot of fun...Although I listened more than I speak...
It made me realize of things I never knew before...
...made me grateful.

Hahahaha...old habits die hard~
Yat and I are definitely Shop-Soulmates.
We walked-in every shop that interests us and we grabbed them fast if we like them~ LOL
Yat still has a thing for bags...
Me?
I have a thing for EVERYTHING~ LOL

Be it in the past, as poor students or in the present, as young woman with jobs...
Some things just never change...

I hung my clothes to dry under the sun.
I considered myself lucky since the weather has been dreadful for days now...
It affects even me...with a sore-throat and slight fever.

Glanced over the kitchen window...yep, still positive for white-noise.
Haizzzz...I’ll take care of it later.
Well, my little sister is coming home tomorrow and we’re going shopping for things she’ll need for Japan...
Abib and I have plans to go and visit her comes winter this year in Japan...
Of course, after I have started my work in the university...after my graduation...
Which hopefully I’ve settled my PhD application by then....

The sun is sure blinding...like the future...
Honestly, it feels good inside...
The ordinary-Me with an ordinary life...

Just last Thursday, the students I helped in KLIUC...
A one-time gig to help Abib with her students’ interview sessions for a course they had to take...
By the end of the session, they said they like me. They had fun, they said.
I was only there for like 4 hours...
Thanks Abib, for inviting me ^^

Herm..... ^^

Laundry – Done.
Time for some Nata de Cocoa~ Buhbyee..

I sounded sad?

"Hahahaha~ Really?" ----> was the only reply that I could come up with at the time.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't laugh.
I had 'readers' approached me, asking whether I am alright...
they grew quite worrisome of my being since my last couple of posts sounded kind of dark and unhappy.

I mean, really? Do I sound like that?
Wow....hahhahaha~

But thank you, I am touched.
It feels really good to know that there are some who cared...
I am okay, really.

The content might feel heavy to some but actually...
to me, I was just stating what seems to me, facts about my life.
to say that it is not heavy at all is a downright lie but by writing in this blog, I'm accepting it. Am trying to.

So I found cheap joy in expensive learnings.
Sometimes, I stumble across priceless 'treasures' in cheap 'unfoldings' too.
I just want to share whatever I can, to convince myself that I am not alone, that you are not alone.

Make sense? hahahahah~

the sea...

After a long time....
I went to the beach last Sunday.
An opportunity, perhaps.
Was it a wish came true?
I am not sure...

But it was definitely...
A pleasant coincidence I’d never expected to happen...
I’d never foretold...
A once-in-blue-moon thing...
In the line of work...after spending hours on research papers in a room full of professors and lecturers...
I decided to reward myself at the moment when that SMS came through...

At 5.45, I was walking down by the beach...
Still in my working clothes...white blouse but with jeans since it was Sunday...
So wedges, instead of stilettos....
Feeling the warm-balmy air on my face while smooth-crumpling sand touched my feet...
Tingling at first...but a never forgotten sensation...
a definitely missed,
after all this time...

It was freeing...

I can't help but wonder, was i not 'free' before?

Smile ^^

Like these two pic-quotes that I've posted...
I wanna try smiling at life.
Why?
Because I'm tired of bringing myself down.
Others are doing it to me all the time, so why should I be mean to myself too?

Let's help each other out....Smile! ^^
I'm doing it, you should too~

For my friend, on her special day...

So, here it is.
I drew this for a friend of mine who's getting married soon.
Honestly, I think I did a very poor job...it's sloppy.
I don't know why anybody would want to keep this....
But still, I did it...for her.

The objects in the drawings are symbols of love that she shares with her future husband...memories that connect them together.
...the love letter...one rose...chocolates....

Congratulation, Nadiah. I'm so happy for you.
Sorry I couldn't make it on the big day...
But please know, my prayers are with you always ^^

becoming more YOU

I guess...
I am one of those people that act or say things without thinking.
As much as I don’t want to be...
As much as I try not to be...

My mouth spits bullets and shreds of glass...
Especially when it comes to certain matters that never failed to ‘tick’ me off every time.
As if testing me to see whether I am being true to my words...
Such occasions are abundance these past couple of days...
And I’m reduced to guilt and dislike towards myself every time.
Sucks....

I’m beginning to understand that it is wrong to force my ‘logic’ onto others...
Because mine...might be unacceptable to them.

How is it that to certain people I am able to tolerate more than others?
Why is it that the disappointment is painful when it involved someone close to you?
I don’t understand it...
How do you show that you care?
And to whom should you care?

As time goes by, the more I feel that the phrase ‘growing up’ is just a pile of bull crap.
There is no such thing.
It feels more like becoming more YOU.

Some adults do worse than the average adolescences.
Some adolescence does better at life than adults.

The ME in the present understands more of ‘me’ in the past.
It feels as if...it is not wisdom that comes along with the years of living...
It is the ability to ‘understand’ YOU and then, the others.
Only then, perhaps comes wisdom, I don’t know...

Nothing is always right.
Nothing is always wrong.
As you accept that nobody is perfect, don’t forget to accept the fact that
you are not perfect as well.

It seems that every bit of searching done while living,
...the sufferings...the doubt...the regrets...the mistakes...
Are all a part of a bigger picture, not an answer.
I should stop searching for a ‘pattern’ that works for every little thing.
There is never one to begin with.

It’s just life.

At least, I am more aware now...it might not count for much....
But I'm getting there - that means something.
You should know that too.