Friday, June 8, 2012

When they fight, I....

At 8 years old, when Mom packed her bags in the dead of night, threatening to bring my siblings and me over to GrandMa’s....
I, at the time sitting beside Mom had once wished for it all to be over.
I really did want all the quarrels and unhappiness to stop...
I came to realize that the scene being played in front of me will be the beginning of many more to come in the future.
For whatever wisdom that I had as an 8 year old, I questioned the relevance of staying together if both only ended up hurting.
Flashes of possible future flooded before my mind’s eyes of how my life would be if they did end up going different ways.
You must think that I am a horrible child...
Maybe I am.
But they never did.
Even though I often seek an infinite stop to things which might or have hurt me in the past to protect myself, but from the bottom of my heart, I am glad that they are still together.
You see, my parents’ love for each other is what keeps my world in balance.
It seems that no matter whether I am 8 or 28, I need to know that my parents still love each other.
I need to have a family.
At 25 years of age, I finally am able to fully appreciate how lucky I am to have one.
Yesterday, they fought again.
While I tried to turn on a blind eye, I knew something was different.
It went from bad to horrible.
When they sent me off to the bus station without the usual smiles and warmth, I felt the ground beneath my feet began to crumble.
Even the sky was dull-empty grey.
When Dad’s texted me, I felt my heart broke.
Looking at how Mom reacted to the situation made me think that I should never get married.
If this is how I would become 30 years into marriage...I’d rather not marry at all.
Her harsh words made me think that love might not be as invincible and lasting as I thought it could
Mom makes a part of me. I echo her in every decision and action that I have made...naturally, including those that I will make as well.
But I want to believe that in relationship, there exist, love and respect for one another.
I don’t want sadness and pain be the only colours that are left on my palette during the final stage of my marriage.
I don’t want to believe that love wanes as you get older.
Many would say that arguments and quarrels are normal even in a healthy relationship.But how about the pain and sad memories?
They were and are very real to me....
Mom called later during the day to tell me that everything is okay now, between them.
Again, I had that 8-year-old-voice in me saying how it’ll happen again and I’ll end up hurting.
I might have given up on the idea of marriage but I just couldn’t give up on Mom’s and Dad’s.

I was so relieved by the news that tears were really cheap for me today.
Even later, after dinner with friends at The Mines...
As if from a distance, while I could hear laughter coming out of my mouth from watching Alex and Skipper in Madagascar 3...It was somewhat sad all at the same time.
It had me thinking, maybe...we live is to understand love.

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