wishing to disappear...

I have never...not even once, thought of killing myself.
And for that, I am grateful. To God. To my parents. And to honest friendships.
I do not feel ashamed in admitting this.
It is the truth.

Even in times of difficulties and injustice, the thought never really did occur to me in its actual sense.
But I did have...many times before as I grew up and even now...the thoughts of wishing
to disappear into nothingness...
to walk passed unnoticed under the unsympathetic gaze of society...
the cruel stares of prejudice, discrimination and envy...
of strangers'...of foes' and unfortunately, of people I know.

Sometimes...
it is not so much because of others expectations than my own that suffocate me...
feels as if the air that I breathe in comes with a huge price tag.

The days that went by in my early adolescence...the dreams which I awoke from in the mornings...
I'd wish for nothing more than to drift off again...
to a place where i am just a watcher;
an insignificant passerby in the makings of someone else's story.

At times, i feel hateful...i feel sad.
The feelings creep from my heart onto my skin like a giant caterpillar...
leaving imprints of its many footsteps - dirtying and damaging my happy thoughts.

I realize it now...
the world that is being offered to me...
through movies, animations and novels...
was only a cocoon I weaved around myself to escape my own world.

I breathe in its pages and plots.
I live through its heroes and charismatic characters.
I drown in its romance, tragedy and mystery - choosing an illusion over reality.

This feeling of wanting to disappear comes without warning.
It jumps from behind when i at least expected it.
There is nothing more that i can do...
except... waiting for it to pass.