Monday, January 25, 2010

one step that's always missing



“Just a 12 year old and she’s already published.
Wow….she is great, isn’t she?”

“Yeah…”

“His son is in Ireland – studying medical. He must be so proud…”
“My former student has a daughter and she’s studying in Germany…”

“Oh.”

“I think she has talent in photography – great skills.
What do you think?”

“Herm……”

“His paintings sold for thousands!
I was the one who gave him the push to pursue arts…”
“There’s this fellow who use rust as part of his artworks…
talk about talent and creativity!”


“………..”

Dad, do you know something?
Have you ever notice that every time you talk to me about this kind of stuff…
The light went out from my eyes?

Do you know that your words extinguish what little that has left…
Of fire inside me?

You pour ice and cold water…
I wish you’d stop.
Dad, do you know?
I’m tired of marveling at other people.
I want to be the one people marveled at.
Can’t you see?

All of this talk about past glory…
And what ifs…
They only sadden me more.
I don’t want to blame the situation I’m in.
I don’t want to blame anybody.
I don’t want to blame life.
Stop making excuses…
Can’t you see I’m upset every time you do?

Dad, I wish you’ve given me a different advice.
I know that you want what’s best for me.
But a little show of confidence…
A tiny belief on dreams….

Can’t you at least believe in me?

Living without a dream is like, not living at all.
What I want from life is not just a stable income and a pension…
I want my life to mean something.

What’s wrong with having little to eat?
What’s so wrong for not having a car?
What’s wrong with not having any jewelry?
What’s so wrong about having to work hard?
What’s wrong with having a small place to live in?
What’s so wrong with asking people for help?
What’s so wrong for admitting mistakes and weaknesses?

I am who I am.
I know my own limits…
But, I want to walk my own life…
with my chest up high.

Dad, have your ever stop and pause to see the ‘players’ first,
before looking at the ‘game’ and the ‘result’?
If in American Football…I am not a Quarterback.
or a Runningback. I’m not a Lineman.
I’m neither of these important front players.

Do you know what position I’ll play?
I’ll be the Tight-end.

Yes, I realize it a long time ago…
It’s devastating.
But I believe that even an ordinary person has a special place and role
that only he or she can fill in…
even if it means standing behind a genius.

The way we are now,
our life will always be one step missing.
I believe that there is no such things as too many steps.
It is only that we gave up halfway.

Dad, when we talk,
I never took the second step to make you understand how I feel…
I, at times, forgot that we are different.
I admit that sometimes giving up and be tragically misunderstood
is easier than that of speaking out loud your guts.

But I am saying it now.
And I’m working on it…what I want to do.
I will take the next step.
And also the next after that – no matter how many it takes.

2 comments:

ERMAYUM said...

sometime their mind works in incomprehensible way - maybe it got something to do with how they were brought up-
my dad also like that- jgn jadi cikgu -keje kuli- jangan drive kancil buat malu ja n bla2 - over time i manage to turn deaf ears and i console myself by forgiving them for their narrow mindedness yet I am thankful because he is my father and he is different from the others- whatever he said sometime have shape me into being a better person, tougher, stronger and al...
moonshin please know that your father is not the only one like that- others maybe worse :) so we accept them as what they are - and as wiser person today- we know better - lantak pi la ko nak cakap apa:)

moonshin said...

hahahahaha...couldn't agree more;) thanks, ermayum.