going home...

I took this picture yesterday.
What with no class for the whole day…
I got a lot of free time on my hands.
It is one of the perks of being a 4th year student.
We loiter and eat all day.
Planning events and thinking of what to wear for the coming college dinner.
Haa~ I don’t feel like going…

Thinking of Jang Geun Suk…
I tried on some eye-liner.
Herm…like I thought…
he looks way better with eye-liner than me.
Haa~ Jang Geun Suk…
My head’s not quite right after watching his movie and drama.
Been listening to his song over and over again…

By the way, I’m going home tomorrow.
Hooray…!
Haven’t been able to, in a long time…
I’m going to buy myself a tall, ice-blended chocolate at the usual place,
as soon as I touchdown.
Yeeeeesss ~
So, see you guys next week! Take care, k?
Buhbyeeee….

Lot’s of luv, Moonshin ;)

sunsets from my window Part 2

27 January, 2010. At approximately 7.05 pm.

one step that's always missing

“Just a 12 year old and she’s already published.
Wow….she is great, isn’t she?”
“Yeah…”

“His son is in Ireland – studying medical. He must be so proud…”
“My former student has a daughter and she’s studying in Germany…”
“Oh.”

“I think she has talent in photography – great skills.
What do you think?”
“Herm……”

“His paintings sold for thousands!
I was the one who gave him the push to pursue arts…”
“There’s this fellow who use rust as part of his artworks…
talk about talent and creativity!”

“………..”

Dad, do you know something?
Have you ever notice that every time you talk to me about this kind of stuff…
The light went out from my eyes?

Do you know that your words extinguish what little that has left…
Of fire inside me?

You pour ice and cold water…
I wish you’d stop.
Dad, do you know?
I’m tired of marveling at other people.
I want to be the one people marveled at.
Can’t you see?

All of this talk about past glory…
And what ifs…
They only sadden me more.
I don’t want to blame the situation I’m in.
I don’t want to blame anybody.
I don’t want to blame life.
Stop making excuses…
Can’t you see I’m upset every time you do?

Dad, I wish you’ve given me a different advice.
I know that you want what’s best for me.
But a little show of confidence…
A tiny belief on dreams….

Can’t you at least believe in me?

Living without a dream is like, not living at all.
What I want from life is not just a stable income and a pension…
I want my life to mean something.

What’s wrong with having little to eat?
What’s so wrong for not having a car?
What’s wrong with not having any jewelry?
What’s so wrong about having to work hard?
What’s wrong with having a small place to live in?
What’s so wrong with asking people for help?
What’s so wrong for admitting mistakes and weaknesses?

I am who I am.
I know my own limits…
But, I want to walk my own life…
with my chest up high.

Dad, have your ever stop and pause to see the ‘players’ first,
before looking at the ‘game’ and the ‘result’?
If in American Football…I am not a Quarterback.
or a Runningback. I’m not a Lineman.
I’m neither of these important front players.

Do you know what position I’ll play?
I’ll be the Tight-end.

Yes, I realize it a long time ago…
It’s devastating.
But I believe that even an ordinary person has a special place and role
that only he or she can fill in…
even if it means standing behind a genius.

The way we are now,
our life will always be one step missing.
I believe that there is no such things as too many steps.
It is only that we gave up halfway.

Dad, when we talk,
I never took the second step to make you understand how I feel…
I, at times, forgot that we are different.
I admit that sometimes giving up and be tragically misunderstood
is easier than that of speaking out loud your guts.

But I am saying it now.
And I’m working on it…what I want to do.
I will take the next step.
And also the next after that – no matter how many it takes.

shouldn't have...

From the very first time,
i should have ignored it.
...shouldn't have done it.

should have ran away.
should have looked the other way.
i should have pretended not to see.
i should have pretended not to hear.
You.
i don't think i should have met you.

should have stopped from the very first time...
shouldn't have bought that card.
shouldn't have sent that message.
shouldn't have sang that song.
shouldn't have told you...

without anything but a smile...
i shouldn't have looked at you.
should have turned away...
should have stopped before it happened.

i thought i'm cured.
i thought the memories have become harmless.
though i am over you,
i can't seem to be able to look at anyone else.
i can't hear...
i can't see...
the way i see you the first time.

i shouldn't have fallen for you...

Things that i love...

Clover…Vanilla ice-cream…white daisies.
Soap bubbles…mp3…blankets.
White curtains…dry leaves…bicycle rides.
Fresh bread…cream puffs and sugar-coated strawberries.
Books…lavender and white ribbons.
Umbrella…socks and candles.
Rainy days…the sea and the morning dews.

Listing down things that I love…
One triumphs over the rest – the sky.
I love blue sky the best.
So I want to share with you these two video clips…
by my favorite group – TVXQ – Entitle, ‘Kiss the Baby Sky’.
They create smiles… And cure dispirited hearts…
Hope you enjoy them too ;)

My students...

During the last week of my practical teaching,
I went out into town to pick out some presents
for my students.

Frankly speaking, my cash was running pretty low at the time.
Coming back from practical in Indonesia and then, to continue in Bangsar…
The expense of living in a city is no joke,
which I’m sure all of you are familiar with.
So I was really careful to make sure to include everyone in the budget.

I had a lot of fun choosing the presents.
We have discussed about dreams… and ambitions.
So, I know the right thing to choose for everyone.
I want to give them something to remember me by when I left school.
And what’s most important is that
I want them to hold on to their dreams.
I want them to know that the one-month that I spent with them…
Is for real.
I’m not pretending to care. I’m not pretending to be their friends.
And I am hell not doing it just for the sake of my grades.

I did it because I’m their teacher.
And am proud to be so.

I’ve gained so much more in return for teaching them
than they could ever imagined.
They have healed a part of me which was once broken a long time ago…
And for that I am grateful.

They visited me at UKM during the Raya break.
I took all 15 of them for a ride around campus on the shuttle bus…
More like a school trip if anything.
Then, a pit stop at my college for burgers and drinks.
The glow in their eyes as they kept chanting, “Wow, we’re in UKM…”
Makes everything beyond worth it…
Skipping a few meals the following week was no biggie – your teacher got no salary, yet.

I chatted with an old friend via FB last week.
She got a job as an RA after graduation – still staying in USM.
I expected a shock from her when I told her I’m doing TESL…
Most people thought I’d be a doctor by now.
But instead, she said she had thought so all along,
*“Ko kan anak bapak?” she said.
*(“Well, you are your father’s daughter”)

The ‘me’ 5 years ago would have flipped if someone said that to my face.
But now, I feel proud inside – like a talisman,
burning white hot, unperturbed by anything.

I quit thinking quitting this job.
I want to pursue this path and I want to go as high as I can go.

Sunday's Sway

Yesterday. Sunday – 10.00 am.

While waiting for the clock to struck 11,
so that I could go down to the cafeteria for lunch…
I loitered around the room,
snapping photos and making mess.

The clouds outside looked like soft cotton candy…
And the shape was somewhat similar to sugar-coated strawberries.
Okay, maybe I was loosing it.

From faraway I could hear the clanking of pots and pans…
My block is right in front of the cafes.
Over the years, I learned that this is more of a disadvantage than an advantage.
While it provides easy access to midnight snacks and hot pisang goreng,
everyday – delicious, luxurious smell drifts all the way up to my window.
It can be pretty torturous at times, you know.
Not to mention, distracting.

Like always…
I saw monkeys sun-bathing on the rooftops opposite my own.
My lecturer calls them ‘Michaels’ for some reason…herm…
I have learned my lesson last semester…
Since then, I keep the window near the pipe lines closed at all times.
Don’t want Michael swinging in for a surprise visit and
eat up all of my Oreos.

I’m gonna miss my days here for sure…
Even Michael.
On evenings when many of the block inhabitants stood by the window,
chatting with neighbors…
dropping off food for Michaels…
Watching them scurrying after pieces of bread and biscuits is fun.
Even though, they scare the daylights out of me…
I enjoy watching the whole lot of them, including ‘little Michael’.

I’m going to miss watching the sunsets from this window…
The blue sky with the white line…
The twin electrical tower…
The dead tree near Block A…
Watching airplanes crossing the horizon on cold, quiet nights…
Listening to ‘Home’ by Daughtry on the mp3.

My 3rd stop towards the dream.


p/s i was a mess. well, it was Sunday...LOL!

For the Truth that will Never Change

Our family is unique, Sis.
…hard to find one anywhere that orbits like ours.
If others’ – like the earth – move around the sun,
ours on the other hand, spiral out of control – zigzagging across the universe.
A day could be 24 or even 35 hours on our little planet.
The normal rules don’t apply in our family.

Like Lil Sis,
I too, discovered the ritual of tea time peculiar.
We never had a tea time on our little planet.
The shocked of observing people drink hot beverages at breakfast
was more immense if ever it was possible.
Mom never drinks anything without ice cubes floating in them.
So naturally, it’s the same for the rest of us.

We drink Cokes like water and we eat junk food like rice.
Wish Mom could have packed me with biscuits and bread
when I was in boarding school…
Instead of Twisties, Apollos and Maggi…
The last time I went home, I saw Dad stocking the fridge
with tubs of ice-cream.
I said to him, I didn’t ask for any.
“They’re for me. Suddenly, felt like eating some…just a small scoop or two…”
Yeah, right.
At midnight, I caught him in the kitchen,
spreading liberal amounts of vanilla ice-cream over slices of butterscotch bread.

On our little planet,
without 8 bottles of carbonated drinks to adorn the table…
It couldn’t be Raya.
Up until I was 18, I thought they are part of the tradition
– a-must-have-at-Raya – like the rendang and ketupat.
Dila was the one who broke the bombshell on me
when we were roomies…back in Matric.
She told me that once; her Mom chased her around the house
for waking up at 10 in the morning.
I told her, I woke up at 2. In the afternoon.
*“Gapo dio?! Mu, bio bena?! Binate mu ni…”
(* “What?! Really?! You jackass, you…”)

I cooked my first pot of rice in my sophomore year.
Okay, Syud helped out a bit…maybe, a lot…
But I was the one guarding over it while it cooked.
Watching the bubbles as the rice came to a boil, was fascinating…
Well, you get the picture.

We walk in our parents’ room like it’s nothing.
Hanging out to gossip like a bunch of friends out for drinks on Sundays.

Sis, we might have missed several important ‘lessons’…
Our Mom and Dad might have forgotten to teach them to us…
Perhaps then, life wouldn’t be so shocking…
Or in your case, mortifying every time you’d go to your in-laws’ place…
But, in the end…we turned out alright, didn’t we?
You, having a family of your own now…
Lil Sis, engineer-in-the-making, on fast-speed train to Japan…
I, am living my dream…

Honestly, I am grateful.
If I am not who I am today,
I don’t think I’ll be capable to love and to teach my students
like I do now.
Don’t count Brother.
He has been exiled from our little planet a long time ago.
Well, at least on my list.

My point is…
Even though we mastered our ABC before everything else,
we turned out okay.
We never went kicking chairs and tables in front of the teachers.
Or have you?
We apply manners when it is called for…
We respect elders and acquaintances where it is deemed necessary.

Late is the hour to be learning those lost ‘lessons’ now…
But Sis, it’s never too late for anything.
Not until you think it is.
Embrace each new day with new discoveries.
Because you,
who understands and sees the importance behind each new lesson
then, to apply it in the present,
is the true genius of them all.

I am learning too.
And in times of awkwardness…
riding the tides of unfamiliar territories…
laugh them off.
Just laugh them off for a moment then, pick yourself up.

Despite how ‘abnormal’ our family might seem from an outsider’s POV…
Despite of how seldom we speak of our roles in each other’s life…
For the truth that will never change,
all of us are family that could count on each other.
Just…a unique one at that.
Okay?

You’ll be fine.
Just don’t do that flip-flop thing again in front of your in-laws.
Lil Sis, will be fine as long as chicken is on the daily menu.
Mom and Dad will be fine – though they don’t want to admit it –
As long as they have each other.
And I’ll be fine, as long as TVXQ exists in this world.

I guess, Brother Su is still in a shock mode, even though
he’s been part of the family for a while now.
Don’t worry Brother Su, you’ll get used to it.
Trust me. Just enjoy the ride.
LOL!
Have a wonderful day, y’all! ;)

Sunsets from my window

on the 5th of January, 2010. Around 7.20pm.




on the 9th of January, 2010. Around 7.00pm.


on the 10th of January, 2010. Around 7.00pm.

The guy with the coat

It rained again, yesterday…
…around 6.00 pm.
Lying in bed…
catching up on some reading when
the first rush of wind came…
Knocking over the plastic vase by the window.

The curtains went berserk.
Few drops of rain fell steadily onto the window sill.
Then, a few more into the room – wetting the hard cement floor.
Breathing in the surrounding calmness like a drink…
For a while…lost.
Simply, be.

Saw a guy sprinted across the parking lot…
…had to admit, the dude got style…
He didn’t use an umbrella…
He placed his coat over his head instead.
The kind of scene you see in the movies…

Not caring for his hair…or his shoes…
he seemed not to care about anything…
And he was smiling…
Far from noticing someone is watching from the third floor window…
He seemed to be enjoying the rain.

Yeah, i know the feeling...
i love the rain too, just like you.

hope i can be that carefree too...
hope i can be confident enough to live life as
i want it to be.

Black and White Rainbow

I took several pictures of the sky
yesterday.
Around 7.00 pm…

But a few hours before that, though…

***
Like always…

I started the first few weeks of the semester –
scrubbing floors, unpacking…
accompanied by music.

Then…
Tired, I sat down by the little round table…
in the middle of the room…
curled on the carpet – getting comfortable.
With my laptop on – immersed and lost for hours…
What seemed like only a few insignificant minutes
in the flow of time.

Suddenly…
Like a calling, I turned to look at the sky
from the window in front of me.
The view outside was simply…beautiful.

I was astounded, numbed for a moment – not moving.
I was humbled, looking at God’s creation...

The blend of colors, so genius…
Like in chemical reaction,
Acts like a catalyst,
Waves upon waves of emotions erupted in my chest.

Like a harmony,
I was put under a spell.

To me,
it looked almost melancholic – reminding me of my past.
Childhood seems to pity adulthood for losing its innocence.
Sometimes…
‘Understanding and seeing’ is just as painful as
‘not understanding and not being able to see’.
…suffocates just as much.

After dinner…
I transferred the pictures onto my laptop –
planning to change them into black-and-whites…
my preferred choice.
Tried several times…but none produced the same effects as the originals.

It was like…
Looking at a rainbow, with just black and white.
……..no-nothing.

This time around,
I’ll stick to the originals.
Campus-life might be nearing the end
and the future might appears bleak at the moment…
but perhaps, there are two or three of these brilliances
of light along the path.

Just as how I have stumbled onto this one…
Maybe, I’ll get lucky again.
And with hard work…
I know it’ll be certain.

the 'me' inside the picture

Laptop…blog.
Chopsticks and a bowl…instant noodles.
Black, plastic spectacles…books and assignments.

…they have been around since the first day
in UKM…

and without realizing it,
without knowing how…or when…
they’ve become part of my identity too.

This picture here, speaks of the truth…
It tells stories…
Whispers secrets…
Shares loneliness and regrets…
And witness the birth of a dream.

I’ll be graduating this August…
And I guess,
that counts as an end.

But, do you know something?
In life, what sometimes appears to be the end…
Is actually a new beginning.

I can’t say I know what my ‘future’ holds…
But I am embracing ‘it’ each day in the present.
Before today, there was yesterday.
After today, there’ll be tomorrow
We live each day creating it…
So I know, I’ll meet ‘it’ in the end.

Rain

inside my heart...

Inside my heart…
There is Mom
who I can always trust.

Inside my heart…
There is Dad
Who I can always depend on.

Inside my heart…
There is Sis
who has grown into a woman…
and now, at times…my knight in shining armor.

Inside my heart…
There is Lil Sis.
Anywhere with you in it…is my home.

Inside my heart…
There is also me.

And inside of me…
There is a dream, burning so strong…
It hurts.

Inside of me…
there is past, present and the future.

Inside of me…
there is your existence in it.

Friends are great...

…hard to stay miserable when you’re with your friends,
isn’t it?
I simply couldn’t resist…

They tug, poke, tickle and pinch you until you gave away.
What felt like the end of the world…ended up as a joke
at the last drop of Coke around lunch.
They remedy a dispirited heart with laughter...
Not caring about own pride…
They make fun of themselves just to see you smile…
And by the time we said goodbye,
the weight was no longer there…

I just couldn’t help to be and feel happy when I’m with them…

Gonna think of them always even after 100 years…

New Year's Burger

Three weeks to go before New Year’s Day…
It’s that time of year again and while I pretend not to care,
soon, I’ll be a year older…
Even the Dunkin doughnuts box, now hung limply from my hands,
bear the usual greetings and wishes.
…
I’ve never made any resolution before…
So I guess, it’s the same for this coming new year too.

For some reason, suddenly I feel like eating burger…

***

“What time is it?”
“5 minutes to 12”

The three of us sat, huddled around the television…
this was 13 years ago…
one warm night, I stayed up late to join the “big boys’” crowd...
and their ‘plan’.

“What time is it?”
“Same as last time”, Brother snapped.
“It won’t be long now…”, Brother Heri said,
checking the clock on the wall.

“10, 9, 8...3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!”,
said the woman on TV.
Chorus greetings broke from all the little people behind her.
I don’t remember us joined in the countdown,
but I’m pretty sure that,
in secret, we’ve all did that night.

“How about you? Want one too?” Brother Heri had asked me.
Brother was making himself busy around the kitchen.
He took out several frozen burger from the fridge…
Untied the bread wrappings…
…spread onto the counter…
the tomatoes, cucumber,
chili sauce and a bottle of mayonnaise.

I just nodded.
“Okay”.

Half an hour later, we ate.
I remember watching Brother Heri ate his.
He took three big bites of the burger and it’s gone.
I was so amazed at this – large glop of mayonnaise and chili sauce,
steadily went unnoticed, dripped from the burger side unto my hands.

Back then, I just licked myself clean…
oh, I wish I hadn’t…

I contributed to the plan too…
Although I felt a little sorry towards my Sister…
but I was the one who ‘exposed’ her autograph book.
We spent a good laugh on it…
Reading through the pages…analyzing Sister’s heart-pours on each corner
while I ran the commentary post –
giving extra explanations and pointing out facts regarding her psyche.
We were like a bunch of hyenas…
hooting and shrieking with laughter
in the dead of night.

***

We’ve grown apart over the years…the three of us.
I guess, ‘life’ happened to us and then, ‘adulthood’ comes in tidal waves –
washing away the innocence clean.

Both Brother and Brother Heri are married now and…
both are blessed with a daughter.

What’s left is just Raya celebration…the only time in the year when
I can see them.
Sometimes I wonder…do they still remember that night?
The night when we spent cooking and laughing together…
Just a bunch of kids, having fun on New Year’s Eve…

Herm…what should I do with these six Bavarians?
My appetite for them has diminished somehow…
I can see a burger stall up ahead…
I know what they say about hawkers and street food…
…when I said ‘they’, I meant Mom and Dad…

But I must admit that I like them…
something about its cheapness and imperfectness…
too many sauce, too little mayonnaise…
patty’s too thin, charred bun…
there’s something unique about them which I find myself craving
after too many KFC’s, McD’s and Pizza Hut’s…

Kind of remind me of that burger 13 years ago…
Burger made by my brother, a cousin that I like and me…
Back then was still an innocent girl,
who was amazed at how Brother Heri
gobbled down the burger in threes…