i am many things

while waiting for the time to go to class...
i lay down - spread-eagle -
on the floor of my room.
i closed my eyes for a couple of minutes...
stopped thinking,stopped feeling, stopped moving...
just doing nothing.
just be.

i left the laptop on before i played dead.
the song, 'Gift' by Mr.Children was playing...
somehow...lying on the floor and listening to the song...
calmed me.

i noticed things inside my room which i hadn't notice before.
...i guess, i hadn't been in-touch with the world in a while now..
i even stopped writing.

there's a large 'spider web' on the ceiling...
an almost empty air-freshener can...
a jar of stale biscuits...
shoe boxes from the last shopping trip...
last july.

i've been trying to decipher myself and my feelings,
but only to reach a dead end.
i got into a hole and couldn't get out.

but now, i think things are not that complicated.
i complicated on my own.

after staring at the ceiling for20 minutes...
i realized that i am many things.
i change.
i grow.
i am a hundred different shades of colour.

i think, if i stick true to myself...
i'll be just fine.
even the darkest color of me - black - is still a part of me.

my diseased heart

my heart has contracted a disease.
and it's dying - fast.

do you know how the saying goes that
'Time will heal everything'?
i think it's a lie.
because i've accumulated more damage over the years.
i'm far from being healed...
so, tell me
how does it work really?

the disease seems to be progressing quite rapidly.
slowly, my heart is beginning to loose its ability to trust people.

how does it that people gets closer each day..
but i'm the only one that keeps drifting farther away?
i guess my heart must be nearing its end now...

my advise for you is that...
if your heart is ill like mine
please find a way to heal its pain immediately
don't ignore it like i did...

don't let it be too late...

....with my friend.

i went to the PC fair yesterday with my friend.
before that, we had a discussion about our assignment.
since both were lazy to bring our own laptop...
we had to crash onto someone else's class to 'borrow' a computer.
in the end, got hauled off by their lecturer...
i guess our undercovers got blown off.

hopped onto the bus...
chatting merrily about the kind of mp3 that we want to buy.
i've been wanting to buy one since forever and...
she kept losing hers all over the place.
this one will be her 5th mp3.

we browsed - taking in the price, the brand, the design...
finally found one -SONY.
we kept bargaining like aunties at the market...
agreed on the deal - we bought the SONY.
laughing our heads off for the fact that our pockets were considerably lighter than a couple of minutes ago.

then, went for a bite at the pantry.
both bought pizzas with milo...
sitting together...chatting...laughing...

it was fun.
everytime...with my friend, it'll be fun.

weirdo me...

I seldom change what I ate during mealtimes.
I prefer to frequent the same mall when I want to shop.
I still love vanilla the best despite other new flavors.
I like daisy instead of a rose.
I prefer sitting at home than just simply going out without a reason.
I still play with the soap bubbles even though, I’m now 22.
I love eating French fries dip in vanilla ice-cream.
I could stay awake for a day just to finish a Korean drama series.

Ha……………………….
What a weirdo, huh?

But this is who I am.
Believe me, I’ve tried changing some of them
But failed miserably.

I have my own reasons for doing things that I do and
For liking the things that I cherish.
I’ve given up trying to make people understand along time ago.
Because in the end, what I think and how I feel will count the most.

…when I was little, I used to play soap bubbles with my best friend everyday…
I even played soap bubbles with my students on my last day at school.
They bought several bottles of soap bubbles just to make me happy me….
The scenery as the bubbles float around the room…with my students laughing…was simply beautiful.
It was even magical.

So……………
I don’t think I’ll ever given up on the soap bubbles now.
As a matter of fact, never for any of them.

my sister's wedding

My sister got married last May…
At first…I intended to write something about her wedding in my blog.
But obviously, I’ve failed to do so.
We’re already reaching the end of July.

The feelings are there…but somehow, the words…
Are lost.
I can’t seem to be able to gather them
- to put them into sentences –
To compose a meaningful post…

I do meet up with my brother-in-law occasionally…
on the weekends when my sister came home for a visit.
But if truths are to be told…
I still can’t see the difference.
Everything looks the same to me.
…except, that I have to kiss his hand now, every time we say goodbye.

Part of me is still in disbelief, I guess…
Even though, I did witnessed everything…
Helped with some of the preparations…
Watched her getting her make-up done…
I was even there for the ‘akad nikah’.

Do you know what went through my mind as I wrote this post, sister?
Yes, I know you are reading this.
I remembered the night we slept in front of the tv in the living room…
It was a long time ago…
We’ve made a list of your boyfriends, haven’t we?
….
I am glad that your list did continue until it found S.

Since mine never did continue after the first…
So I’m glad yours did.
Glad that you never give up.

I know it’s late…but congratulation, sis…
So…when is the baby coming?

- the end -

pieces of a glass ball...

i read in a book once...
that happiness is like picking up pieces of a broken glass ball.
some will be able to collect many...
some only a little...
but along the way, there's must be someone who'll get hurt.

what do you think?

feels true though....

cleaning up 'life'?

I cleaned up my room yesterday.
Put in a couple of new furniture…
…a small table…a book shelf…two pots of flowers
…and a new rug – now, the floor’s no longer felt cold underneath the skin.

I unearthed a couple of boxes stocked away under the bed…
Found an old notebook with many scribbles on its margin…
Notes of past lectures…complaints at the bottom…
Some poems that I wrote myself…
Some appointments no longer of importance…
Along with a couple of sketches to pass the time.

Discovered past memories…
Reunited with old forgotten feelings.

Everywhere…I saw traces of yesterdays.
This is how it was like for me…these passed couple of years.
Things that I have collected along the way…
People that I met…
Memories that I have gathered.

I still loving the music and…
I still love writing.
Some things just don’t changed…
Still optimistic and fabulously single…
No other picture beside the family photo on the table.

I guess, it’s not just the room that needs a little bit of cleaning…
It was me who needs some tidying up.

Understanding one’s own stance.
Preparing for tomorrow…