tears of day...

when people cried in front of me...
instead of sympathizing...i felt angry and indifferent.
feels as if my insides turns hard rock and ice cold.

i don't know how it all began...
part of me am grateful that i am not easily swayed by the tears.
but part of me am wondering...is it good to be this way?

and as i got older...i find it more and more difficult to cry openly in front of others.
even in front of my parents
i guess now...i know that crying just won't solve anything.
but even if i do...please know that the 'things' that have happened is unbearable and it had deeply hurt me.

i cried yesterday. in front of my friends...

i could not help it but swear to God i am very regretful that i did.
i did not let a single sob or sound escaped me...
and no matter how bad my body shook...how difficult it is to breathe...how sad i feel inside....
just the tears.
only the tears.

that is the last barrier...
the tears is the part where i erased that person out of my life completely.
though, i have forgiven...but...
a mistake that you make on a piece of paper,
even if you try to correct them with an eraser, it will still leave a mark on what once was a smooth surface.

31st of March:
i cried.

Relyn's Request XD

Not too long ago, i wrote in one of my posts about a jacket that i designed and a dress that i made especially for my college dinner.

Relyn asked me for pictures of them.
so...as an answer, i've uploaded several pictures on my blog.
of course, i welcome any comments from all of you =)

without further ado....let me present to you....

the jacket that i made out of an old, long denim skirt.
TADAA..!

This is the dress that i made for my dinner.
i've already wore them last Wednesday! lol!
simple mortifying! all sorts of thoughts went through my head...
and the most terrifying of them all is...

what if the dress suddenly fall of?

Thank God, nothing of the sort happened.

so..........................what do you think, guys?

too many words to say...

this is my first posting after a long long period of absence from the blogging world. so many things have happened; i was simply overwhelmed by it all.

if i were to put my feelings and conditions into words..
i'd say the most accurate word to describe it is...
'SELF-REFLECTIVE'

i have learned that words could cause terrible misunderstandings even among the best of friends.
sometimes...unintentionally and unconsciously...
the words that we say could hurt somebody.

at times, i could detect this little signals of unhappiness and discomfort in 'their' eyes..
but i was 'unable' - random to a state of helplessness...
to do anything.

too many words is the same as having too little words...
either way, you will come up with nothing.

Dreams. Love.

would you disagree with me
if i say that the dreams we have...
is also a form of 'love'?

in times of difficulties
when everything appears bleak
then you call that person...
weren't there always words of encouragement at the other end of the line?
giving hope. restoring faith.

when helplessness threatens to win over everything
wasn't there a pair of warm hands holding yours?

unconditional. always loving. always supporting you.
you and your dreams.

unconsciously. unknowingly.
the dreams that we have becomes part of their dreams too.
so, tell me...

are dreams not part of love?

my sky....

beautiful isn't it?
the sky?
.....
life?

designing my own clothes XD

Today, i wore a jacket - a design of mine - to class. Needless to say, the experience was mortifying. It felt as if i walked around naked all over campus (yeah, maybe i'm a bit exaggerating). The jacket was made out of an old denim skirt which i used to wear back in high school. Since it does no longer fit me, i decided to get creative and transform it into a jacket.

I have neither basic skills of sewing nor sketches or plan for the design - i simply cut right in praying to God that i have not just mutilated a beautiful skirt for nothing. At that time, my mind was only thinking of how to make it work and miraculously in the end, it did.

Now, i am working on a new piece - a black, empire-waist-high dress (did i get the terms correct? forgive me if i'm wrong) for my college dinner which will be held in two weeks time. The dress is almost finished except for its sleeves. Got any idea? I am thinking of maybe puffed sleeves....

My mother went out of her wits when she saw me cutting headlong into meters and meters of black cloths without even measuring them first. She looked as if she was having a heart-attack. But no worries, the dress fitted me just fine. Of course they look fine too =)

now i know that i love working with my hands - inventing, creating things.

friendship is...

I would never claim myself as being a know-it-all when it comes to friendship - honestly, it is rather the contrary. But i must admit that my experience in boarding school help shape the foundation of my virtue as a friend towards others. And the values of empathy and sympathy that i have learnt back in those days, have proved to be immensely important when it comes to friendship - as it do cut both ways, don't you think?

I once, cried in front of my friends - shedding tears out of sincerity of heart but only to be smirked at, judged and accused of acting lie.
I once, shared an important secret with a friend whom i thought worthy of my trust but only to be betrayed as part of an afternoon tea gossips with the others.
I once, nursed a friend to health - bringing her meals and medicine, changing towels on her forehead in the middle of the night - but again, the gratitude was soon forgotten as soon as the word 'thank you' escaped from her lips.

So, i am sure by now you could understand why if i say the numbers of people whom i could really call as friends can be counted with just a set of hands - i'd say you wouldn't be the least, surprise. Most of the time, i find myself unconsciously putting on a 'mask'. Let's say in a group of quiet people, i shall be the most talkative. But if the group has its own share of laughter or leadership, then i shall remain whatever characters as i see fit or that it demands of me. Just like Rosalind in Shakespeare when she disguises as a male persona, i on the other hand, found freedom and comfort by putting on the mask - always choosing a different set of masks to suit other people's character.

But a certain change of luck in life, have destined me to get acquainted - finally - with some great souls who i am proud to call as friends. They are the ones who make me laugh; who make me sad; who remember my birthday and who are there for me - even when i feel like i don't deserve them.

I now know that friendship does not really demand a great deal of anything. It just requires you to share a bit of your time; your love and your loyalty. Apart from that, everything else comes naturally as to how much you value that friendship.

at of this moment, i am no longer wearing any mask.

a cup of hot milk

it has always been a habit of mine to drink a cup of hot milk before going to bed. Ever since i started living outside the comforts of home - without a spoonful of 'Everyday' powdered-milk and sugar in hot boiling water - i could hardly get any sleep at night. it was sort of a tradition; originated from my Dad as a way to persuade me to go to bed early during my childhood days. but back then, it was always a glass of iced 'milo'.

wanna cup of milo?

something about the feeling of holding the hot cup in my hands - somehow the warmth seems to be spreading inside of me as well. and these passed couple of weeks have been really hectic... so, it feels nice to be able to stop for a while - retreat into the comforts of my room - drinking hot milk looking out into the moonless window.

it is the perfect break that i need to take...from time to time...in life. how about you?