I don't believe in 'just because'

I do it because I want to.

Because I love watching the sun and the blue sky...Because I love Oreos and vanilla ice-cream...Because I have received help in the past...Because I love teaching...Because I have many dreams...Because I don't want favors be the foundation of our friendship..Because I know how it feels...Because I want to talk to you...Because I used to take the bus too...Because I love the rain and quiet...Because I was forgiven. Because life is short. Because I am my parents' daughter...
 

Because.......

It is always because of something. 

Whatever that something is worth taking the risk and effort. 

I don't believe in 'just because'. ^^

Keeping it together

"Difficult times happen on the way to happiness"

.......................

i try not to think of all the things that needs to be done...

but focus on getting things done as much as i can everyday.

Time to heal

I thought I'd feel better after a drive ....looking at greens and the sky...breathing in the fresh air outside of the city.

I thought the vastness of it all would somehow envelop and swallow the small sadness I have in my heart - renders it insignificant as it should be and then perhaps, makes it disappear...

But I was wrong.

The broad horizon only highlights the emptiness even more...

Screaming in my face with such brute force that I helplessly surrendered to the comfort of tears.

What was once done so easily and naturally without guilt, now is very hard for me to do.

Crying is an indulgence I don't want to give myself at this stage in life.

Crying was an indulgence my parents gave me when I was young....

This time words are somewhat powerless...and tasteless.

I need a little bit of time to heal.

Let me be.

Manila Me

I was in Manila for a week.

As usual, for a conference + holiday (sight-seeing).

I learned a lot from the experience...academically and even life, in general.

Mixed around with people - met great new friends.

I think I can finally say...I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I was kind of jumpy and fidgety before...but now I think I have finally understand myself.

I've found my way...

My way to present my thoughts.

My way of standing in my world.

Met a few great names in textbooks I have read while I was still an undergrad...

Names that I have cited in my thesis and memorized to heart.

Familiar faces of lecturers that are now, professors...

I was proud beyond words.

There were tears and some heartaches along the way...

But it's okay because now I know that it won't last for forever.

Sadness will go away.

Happiness will become fond memories.

The hurt will fade a little with time.

I am happy.

New Semester. New Chapter in Life....so it seems.... ^^

I've just been made the new Course Coordinator.

Hermm.....

I wasn't really listening when my HC explained to me about the job...

I only have less than 8 months of working experience...

At the time, my insides went jello~ and I felt the ground shaking beneath my feet...

Honestly? I'm scared to bits.

Yes, I manage things well.

Correction: I manage my OWN things well.

Yes, I am good at planning things.

Correction: I was my only subject whenever I planned things.

I know I am in for a roller-coaster ride starting next semester...

am expecting tears, stomachaches, cat-fights, eye-rolling - all the works.

Haiizzzz....and I still owe my supervisor  the third draft before the big presentation comes October.

I'm going to Manila in Oct too. For a conference.

One manuscript due several months ago~~

yeah, you read it right. MONTHS~~

Gosh.

^^

I am not sure HOW, but I'll just do it.

Things will be okay.....right?

I won't suck so bad that the university would have to shut down.....right?

right?

............................

In the mess of it all, my parents tried to play cupid last holiday....

OMG.

I put a firm stop to it.

They have dropped the subject.

Hopefully.

TC.

Purple Clover

I will have a one week holiday starting this Saturday...

Needless to say, I can't wait to go back home.

Funny enough, for all the things I love at home...I can't help thinking of the purple clovers nestle in a pot in the front lawn.

I have always been fascinated with leaves more than flowers.

Clovers among others, I also love autumn leaves and ginkgo.

Like magic, a bunch of purple clovers suddenly appeared in one of the flower pots one morning.

As old as I am, I am sure there is a logical scientific explanation on how it ended up there but...

this small happiness...

Let me keep its magic and romance a while longer.

Working Life

It's been a while since I last updated my blog.

A lot has happened since...

With work and study....I just can't seem to find the time anymore.

I have been working for 6 months now.

Even though being far away from home is never easy...but I kinda like this town. ^^

Nature is abundance and I have never liked the hustle and bustle of city life anyway.

Quite easily, I adapt well to my new place.

Everyday trip to work...driving by paddy fields and mountains...

kinda fill the void I feel every time I think of home.

Many of my friends doesn't know the real reason why I have chosen to do my phd away from town.

Okay, maybe not the whole story at least.

It takes 6 hours by car, back and from.

I enjoy the trip so much though because I look forward to crossing the bridge every time.

The bridge has a significant symbol being a part of my memories of growing up. ^^

I guess that is how it is with my life nowadays.

I almost never make a decision just because.

There is always a reason behind it.

While I am enjoying this learning process of getting new experiences...finding my place in this profession...

creating a name for myself...

But I am also quite worried at times...

that I am losing my 'youth'.

My young-hot-blooded self.

I feel like I'm loosing the 'adventurous' side of me.

But I am confident I will find the answer soon.

Why?

Because those who seek will find. ^^