Friday, September 9, 2011

Past, Present & Future 'Me'

I can’t say that I don’t have any regrets,
living throughout these past years...
I do have regrets.

But if I have been given a chance to go back in time,
To salvage or rectify some of the mistakes that I have made...
I am not confident enough to say
that I will take a different road or make a different decision
than what I have done in the past.

I am me,
no matter what the time, the place, or whoever might be standing in front of me...
I am me.

Times when I sit alone and try to think of a better way to go about doing it...
Perhaps there were several things that could make things less painful and difficult...
Honestly, I don’t think it will make much of a difference.
I stand by my choice and decision and that is it.

Time and time again, the question will occasionally float around in my head despite my conclusion and determination.
Sometimes, it brings doubt and guilt...
And I will be tortured by the sense of helplessness that all of this doesn’t make sense.
Like how I usually face things by finding the underlying pattern or understanding of the whole event,

But LIFE is nothing like an event.
It does not concern, just YOU.
Too many variables...including unpredictable and unstable ones...
I feel like throwing in the towel just thinking about it.

We make decisions...I make decisions based on the time that it was given to me.
With what little knowledge that I have...
With wisdom and a combination of logic and empathetically deduced ending...
I tried.

Did you try?
I am also one of your ‘variables’, might not be an important one...
But did you at least try to consider my ‘properties’ like how I have done with yours?

What has passed is irrevocable.
So I will add another try on my long list of becoming a better me...
My effort might look like nothing but I have the awareness.
That makes a different.
In life – towards the past, present and for the coming future – that makes a huge difference.
It shows that my life has not yet, reached its end-point.
I still have hope that I will change just as how my life will.
For a better future – I am not without hope.

I will try again...
This time not to look back on the past but to look forward to future.
I will change, not the past but the future.
The future me still has that 100% probability of taking a different road or
Make a different choice.
Because the ‘me’ in the future will not be the same as the ‘me’ in the past...

I will not allow it...
And this is, what I believe in.

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