wishing for time to stop.

one of my old high-school friend is already married. she is a ukm student - married to a ukm lecturer. herm...how about that?

knowing that fact make me realize...make me say to myself...haa..i am already at this stage of life. how can life passes by so quickly...a year seems like a day and a day seems like an hour.

now, i feel like there is a gap between us...i'm standing here and she's there-at the other side of the road.

i am still watching animes...'quarrel' with my little sister about the tiniest thing (where at the end, it was always my little sister who has to give in)...playing soap bubbles (not so much now)...dreaming of an unlimited..unfathomable future...whereas she, has her life sets on stone.

honestly...i felt scared and nervous. what if people around me started to make expectations... some sort of changes in my behavior-in my lifestyle. they might think that some degree of changes is appropriate since i am already at this stage of life.

but how can i change? i don't wanna change. i want things to stay as it is...am i asking too much?

there are so many things that i have planned for my future and things like 'making commitment' surely not one of them. maybe...at least not for another 8 years.

and now, my big sister is getting married next april. oh, man! how i dreaded next hari raya. relatives surely be targetting me next! when can we eat your nasi minyak pulak...you know, that sorts of questions. hhhhaaaaaaa.......

but one of my closest friend told me that i shouldn't be scared...he said that there's nothing wrong with watching animes even when you're married. hahahaha...yeah, i think that's true.

fyi, i was one of those little girls who once wish that they could go to neverland with peter pan...

but now, i know that life has so much to offer...i want to be able to see the world...study other cultures and meet new people and to be able to share thoughts with them.

whaaaaaaaa...i don't know anymore! time, could you please go slower?
hehehe...great, now i'm crazy.

I am lost.

getting the latest update from miela-chan regarding my most favourite artist - TVXQ! has always been part of a special trust that i have of her.

going to her room...watching TVXQ's latest video...hearing their latest news...fantasize about Korea...laughing our heads off...occasionally, our hearts throbb at the sight of their perfect looks.

i simply admire them...liking jaejoong especially, with all my heart. watching them working so hard living their dreams...inspiring me...urging me to achieve my own dreams.

jaejoong is only a year older than me but...his name is already engrave in thousands of hearts across the world. i envy him...not his wealth or talent...rather his courage in believing in his dreams even when it seems unlikely to come true.

i envy him for his dreams...when i, have none.

once, i broke down. not knowing what i want to do with my life...the feeling of uncertainty...threathened my sense of self - i was lost.

how can you go to a place where there's no destination? its ridiculous.

but then again...if you just keep working hard today...that day somewhere in the future will come...it might not be soon but it'll come.

i used to feel nervous going back home alone since i am not used to public transportation... but then again, you just need to put a step after the other and you'll be there sooner or later. taking the same number of stops to go back to whence you came from.

knowing that there's somebody out there working hard towards their dreams, keeps my loneliness at bay. somehow the uncertain and ever-changing future becomes less frightening. thank you, TVXQ!

The Little Cupid

once, there was a little Cupid.
he met a girl.
she was crying.
concerned, the little Cupid asked her...
"Why are you crying, my dear?"
"i'm in pain"
shocked to hear her answer,
the little Cupid flew closer.
the girl showed him her wound.
there...pierced straight into her heart
was a silver arrow.
the little Cupid was at lost for words...
"please, grant me one wish"
the little Cupid nodded.
"i want to forget everything".

cekodoks remind me of you...

packing away stuff to be taken home...some boxes to be put away inside the store...
with a little bit of music at the background...
our hands move swiftly about the room.

we laughed and we joked around.
exchanging stories, secrets and dreams.

without a care in the world, we live and abide by our own rules.
college admin said, no cooking - we cooked.
they said, come to the meeting - we busied ourselves with DVDs.

i never really appreciated those moments...untill now.
because i always think that there'll be more...

right now, i really feel like eating some hot prawn 'cekodoks'.
this poem is dedicated to my old roommate, Shud.

Prawn 'Cekodoks'

a small electric stove...
a packet of instant prawn 'cekodok'...
two girls...11.30 pm...
in their room back at campus.

getting a call from faraway...
put on the loudspeaker,
...chattering...cooking...laughing...cooking...
the air thick with the aroma of hot prawn 'cekodoks'.

the girls keep stirring...
open the windows wide,
arousing envy from the neighbours.

Haa...what a wonderful life.
as simple as it seems...
full stomachs...and beds waiting patiently at the corner.

what a wonderful life.

just like today...

riding the bus on the way back to campus...
the last exam felt sweet thinking of home...
can't wait to pack my bags...
can't wait to go to sleep to be able to wake up tomorrow.

what happen to yesterdays when tomorrows come?

i know. it'll become just like today.