thinking me...

There are times when I think thinking will only make things worst...
Or rather, it will make me feel worse.
I’ll worry.
I’ll become anxious and unsure of myself.

Should I buy that dress? Isn’t it the same with the one I bought not too long ago?
But if I don’t buy it now, who knows when I’ll get a second chance and it might sold-out...
Is this really worth my money? It’s tearing apart at the seams...just look at it.
But I really like the design and it’ll be a good match with my jacket...
.................

Now, that I have finished my courses...
I spend most days at home...catch up on some reading...preparing for my big presentation day...
Counting the days...
For what you might ask?
I honestly, have no idea...but I have taken a liking to cross out the days on the calendar every day.

Most of my friends are working and the few that aren’t live in another state far away from my hometown.
It’s hard to make a phone call or even send a text to them without having the feeling like I’ll just be a bother...
It makes me feel really lonesome sometimes.
Like I’m living in another dimension different from my friends’...
I find it funny how a simple feeling...the notion of ‘I miss you’ can become so complicated and distorted after some thinking things through...

 “It’s been a while...and I kind of wish I could see and talk to you”
It’s as simple as that.

Waiting for a call that never came...
Waiting for that person to come to you...
Most of the time, we console ourselves or rather we ‘kill’ our feelings with lame excuses such as...
“She has her own life to think about...”
“He is busy at work...and I don’t really have anything particular to say to him...”
“We’ll have other chances”

We are thinking wrong.
I think we should respond to our feelings not by lying to ourselves but by thinking how best to make it possible to come true.
If he doesn’t call you, you should call him.
If it’s a bad time, explain how you are sorry and missed him.
Come on, grow up~ ‘I miss you’ is not ‘I love you’~
If she doesn’t text you back, call her up...send a message on FB or whatever.

 Haaaa....Even though our inner voices are of our own makings; never forget to keep it under constant observation for signs of when it starts to give not-so-clever opinions, okay?
Hahahahah...I’m taking this advice for myself too. ^^

My Professor and Me

This 'conversation' took place in FB.

ME:
thinking back on it now...looking at life as a whole...it feels like a long 'summer vacation' for me. lately, i've been gettin a feelin that it'll end soon...25 years...herm. guess i'm finally ready now - as all of matters of the heart, i'll know when its time. ^^

Professor:
For what, dear?

ME:

I don’t mean to sound patronizing but that’s a really good question. Herm...I guess it’s to start owning up to life? Be it when I’m learning in class, chatting with friends or family, going to new places and look at different things... I’ve always look at life as ‘collecting’ info to be put into different jars that make Me. I have a jar for who I am; a jar for ‘English’, a jar especially for ‘trees’, a jar for my little sister and each for Mom and Dad, a jar for ‘Chinese songs’, a jar for ‘jeans’, a jar for ‘dreams’, a jar of ‘regrets’ and a jar for ‘listening’. It took me 16 years to have enough in my jar of ‘Arts’ to be able to take the subject for SPM and aced it. Before then, my artwork had always been hideous and horrible. I had my jar of trees, jar of colours, and others to help me pull it through though.

So life at this point in time, to me, it feels like a very long summer vacation; where I am this girl with a ponytail, a pair of sneakers smeared with mud, a bag full of jars with holes holding a net with both hands...I don’t want to be seen as an arrogant fool by claiming that all of my jars are filled with life-butterflies. But still, I am confident to say that all of the jars that make Me, are full enough to give my being, sustenance. I am Me and I have no regrets following this path I’ve chosen. My summer vacation coming to an end is by all means not a waste of time, neither it is a symbol of regret or past-longing, it is just another gateway to life with a more fuller-Me and a more rigorous outlook in life and in action. I’ll continue collecting more jars and filling them and perhaps, will have more ‘summer vacation’ in my life than expected, but that’s just me. I have my own foundation now; I won’t be scared so easily anymore and nor will I feel empty.

P/S: I have a jar under your name too, Dr. I’ve been your students for almost 6 years now...the day you bought the whole class pizzas, working with you on the book about mobility program in Indonesia, when you got mad at me about making appointment (hehehe~), the day when you remembered my name, and the time when we hugged in front of the faculty office after sharing that sad news (I wanted to console you but it ended up, you consoling me), about your cat, how you’d prefer bread over rice during lunch, etc.

 P/S2: Love your new car by the way ^^ Gosh, you got my dream car... Take care, Dr. ^^

You think I over done it?.........i think so too. heheheheh ^^ but i like to explain myself, you see...so, there you are.

Lots of Luv,
Moonshin