I feel.

I celebrated my 25th birthday only last Friday.
I usually make a big deal out of it...
But this time around, I let it passed away like any other ordinary day.
Seemingly meaningless but unconsciously significant...

Now that phrase doesn’t mean much, does it?

I was introduced as co-lecturer in class...
The ‘Ohhh~’ made me feel like betraying their trust more than anything.
I kept thinking in my head how I feel more like a student than a teacher.
I kept thinking how at degree level if you are not in it for the long run, then whatever I teach would just complicate things...
I wanted to do so much but I ended up thinking it would all be for nothing.

I have a lot of questions.
Even as a student...be it now, as a student still/ teacher/ lecturer/ researcher (whatever I am).
I cannot promise anything except that I’ll try my best.
Whatever I impart in class will be my take on life... my take of the knowledge that I have gained from my teachers.
I cannot promise that it will not be tainted by my belief, biasness and prejudices...
But I will try to do right by my students this coming Friday and Thursday.

It has been bugging me since that Friday...
How scared I was to be in that class...
To receive the news that I’ll be teaching undergrads.
Scared but at the same time bewildered by the reason why.
I chose to be in this path and no joy rivals those of teaching.
I know that...
But somehow those feelings were there.

Funny how my heart scared so easily despite what I’ve been through...
I kept comparing myself with the other teachers that I’ve known...
How different I feel we are...

But then again, what’s wrong with being different?
Some people label the others so easily and here I am, doing the same thing to myself.
I should cut myself some slack sometimes...
If not, who else would?

It is a wonderment how coming to a consensus like this with yourself clears things up so easily...

“No one can make you feel inferior but yourself”.
I should always remember this....

like namie...

Been listening to Namie's Love Story pretty often these past couple of days...

"Life's no love story.." it says...
Yeah, no arguments there.

Demo, itsuka...namie no you ni, sono 'love storii' no you ni, naritaii.

ordinary Me

I was at gunpoint and then I woke up.
It took me seconds to realize that it wasn’t real...
I blinked and my throat felt dry and painful.
It’s 10 in the morning...Well, perhaps I should say afternoon.

Been having dreams everyday now...
Feels like my brain is trying to work out things to do on its own...
Feels like its bored...
Because I can’t...I don’t feel like doing anything...
I’m always wasted when it’s the holidays...
The feeling of lost more pronounce somehow...

I grabbed my towel and headed for the shower...then I realized everything is in downstairs toilet.
I went downstairs only to go back again thinking I prefer the one upstairs.
5 min came and gone...

30 min later, I rocked the mp3 playing SISTAR’s ‘Ma boy’...
With my dark mass of a laundry under one arm.
I chucked everything in a basin and started washing them.
It’s my principle to wash above 50 clothes by hand.

I know where the stains were or where to scrub more rigorously than anybody or machine can manage...
So, hence the Me sitting by myself next to the water tap, playing with soap and water.

I really like the smell...
The smell of something clean...I hate man-made-smell, like perfume...
Suffocates me...can only stands them for few seconds.

Mom and Dad were in the kitchen.
I could hear their ‘usual routine’.
But my defences are too advanced that whatever I don’t want to hear becomes white-noises as soon as it enters the brain...
So I’m un-hurt most of the time now...
It wasn’t so in the past...since I know what I hear and remembers them.

The one-piece that I was washing was the one I wore on a Sunday-out last weekend.
It was a lot of fun...Although I listened more than I speak...
It made me realize of things I never knew before...
...made me grateful.

Hahahaha...old habits die hard~
Yat and I are definitely Shop-Soulmates.
We walked-in every shop that interests us and we grabbed them fast if we like them~ LOL
Yat still has a thing for bags...
Me?
I have a thing for EVERYTHING~ LOL

Be it in the past, as poor students or in the present, as young woman with jobs...
Some things just never change...

I hung my clothes to dry under the sun.
I considered myself lucky since the weather has been dreadful for days now...
It affects even me...with a sore-throat and slight fever.

Glanced over the kitchen window...yep, still positive for white-noise.
Haizzzz...I’ll take care of it later.
Well, my little sister is coming home tomorrow and we’re going shopping for things she’ll need for Japan...
Abib and I have plans to go and visit her comes winter this year in Japan...
Of course, after I have started my work in the university...after my graduation...
Which hopefully I’ve settled my PhD application by then....

The sun is sure blinding...like the future...
Honestly, it feels good inside...
The ordinary-Me with an ordinary life...

Just last Thursday, the students I helped in KLIUC...
A one-time gig to help Abib with her students’ interview sessions for a course they had to take...
By the end of the session, they said they like me. They had fun, they said.
I was only there for like 4 hours...
Thanks Abib, for inviting me ^^

Herm..... ^^

Laundry – Done.
Time for some Nata de Cocoa~ Buhbyee..

I sounded sad?

"Hahahaha~ Really?" ----> was the only reply that I could come up with at the time.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't laugh.
I had 'readers' approached me, asking whether I am alright...
they grew quite worrisome of my being since my last couple of posts sounded kind of dark and unhappy.

I mean, really? Do I sound like that?
Wow....hahhahaha~

But thank you, I am touched.
It feels really good to know that there are some who cared...
I am okay, really.

The content might feel heavy to some but actually...
to me, I was just stating what seems to me, facts about my life.
to say that it is not heavy at all is a downright lie but by writing in this blog, I'm accepting it. Am trying to.

So I found cheap joy in expensive learnings.
Sometimes, I stumble across priceless 'treasures' in cheap 'unfoldings' too.
I just want to share whatever I can, to convince myself that I am not alone, that you are not alone.

Make sense? hahahahah~