A...lone

I never felt more alone than I did last night and today...

while standing in a crowd of stranger heightens the feeling more...

I was shocked to discover that the terrible feeling in my gut is not from the alienation of the world....but rather....

the feeling of being cast away by those I thought at least, cared.....

I Have Love. You Have Love.

It took me 4 years to recover some of the feelings that I have lost...
At first I thought it was never possible...
I mean first love is memorable since it’s our first.
As simple as that...but makes a whole lot difference.

Hearing stories from friends...
How their feelings were not answered...
It never failed to take me back to those days...
Makes me realize just how happy it is to love and to be loved.
I was lucky...

I guess the old confidence vanished with the first...
...rubbed raw onto the pavement leaving nothing but innocent feelings of liking that one person.
This second encounter, I guess...
There is nothing extravagant that make me ruled him out of the rest...
But he gave me moments...moments where I thought were lost forever.

The day when it rained...
When you called out my name...
The story you wrote that you shared with me...

Like I said, moments...
To say that I am ready to get back in the game is ridiculous.
But I am definitely recovering.
I was lucky to meet him and...
Some part of me felt glad that I can still feel these kinds of feelings.

Might seem silly to most people...
But I’d like to appreciate these little things...these little moments.
I have love.
It might not meant for the ‘He’...
...I might have passed my destined one – I don’t know.
But one thing for sure, I have love.
I can give love to my family, friends and students.

I should have realized this earlier...
That love is not a ration...I shouldn’t have let my feelings be lost.
It was there from the beginning...awaiting me to retrace them back.

You have love too. Never forget that.

parting ways...but not at heart

About two months ago...I donated all of my old books to a school in Indonesia.
I spent a month there as a teacher-trainee when I was still an undergrad.
The people there were so kind and friendly...
The moment I left the school, I vowed to do something in return for their kindness.
Looking outside the minivan's window, as it drove me passed the main gates towards the airport....
i knew deep in my heart that it'll be the last time for me to lay my eyes on it...

Just the night before, I spent playing, laughing and joking around with my students...
How happy they were just to hear my announcement broadcasted throughout the whole school during the day, that I wanted to meet them...
I gave each of them a handmade and handwritten card...to show them every little bit of my feelings and sincerety towards them...
I was and still am proud to be their teacher.

It took me 2 years to finally be able to do something...
The me back then, was really hopeless...I was getting help just to get by...
...it was really frustrating for me to keep that little wish of mine dormant and hidden.

I love books and their library has a little bit of problem getting their hands on English books...
So, I thought I could help them with this.
I grew up with books...they have helped me...they have given me joy...
Remembering the eager faces of students there when it comes to learning...
I want my books to be able to do the same for them...
I hope whatever bit of happiness, knowledge and inspiration that I have gained through reading those books, will also be experienced by their new owners.

I want them to know that I am forever thankful and that my stay there and our friendship was real.

I hope to be able to support and be a part of your strength - here and always.