not-so-perfect world

when you see a little girl sitting by the side of the road - crying
and all the while clutching her bruised arm...
in a perfect world,
you would say, "Oh, she must have fallen from her bike...".

in a not-so-perfect world,
we would usually say a whole different things altogether.
a lot of possible explanations pop into our heads...
for example, something that associates with the word "abuse", "mistreated", etc.

in a perfect world,
one would usually feel happy receiving 4-flat and even a chance to further study into Master level...
like i said, "in a perfect world".
if in a drama, the gal just pack her bag and boom! graduate with flying colors.

in a not-so-perfect world,
there are a lot of loops to jump through...
and the biggest pain being the Vitamin M...
MONEY. Hahahahaha....
Let's just say its settled (thanks to Mom and Dad),
comes in new problems - popping up like mold on a Gardenia bread.
Haahahaha...it's funny.

I'm waiting for the college office to open after lunch,
so that i could beg them to let me stay next semester.
great...

i really don't care actually.
whatever. i'll think of something.

The not-so-perfect life crap is over-rated, if you asked me.
it's just life.

so, i WILL finish my Master,
no matter what.

long vacation

Herm...she looks like a nice lady...
i think i'll be fine studying under her..

just met my supervisor a couple of minutes ago.
July seems so much nearer when looking at it
from this half-part of the year.
one more month, one more new chapter in life.

feels as though the one month of hell i suffered...
like an illusion...
gone like a wisp of smoke in a magician's cheap show in Vegas.

I drowned in a chamber of self-loathing...
anger, disappointment, ...
my sense of pitiful-insecurity and shamed...
have been shadowing me all this time,
finally came crashing down, in ways i couldn't comprehend...
sending big tsunamis and hurricane...
washing and scraping my little heart, bare and raw.

for a while there, i lost my sense of self.
i'm nothing but a vessel with no soul.
a heart but with no words.
like a robot without the batteries..
lifeless, and limp.
Defeated.

nothing went in or out of me.
almost like the other half of me had died...

today i laugh with everyone else.
like i said before, it's hard not to,
when you're with your friends.

but as i received a news from home today...
i don't know...it's as if the 'switch' is suddenly turned off.

am i cured?
am i pretending that's everything is pretty on the outside,
when the color of my blouse - black - is how i really feel inside?

do i want people to know that i am not happy?
do i want them to understand?
what can they do even if they knew?
doesn't change anything.

i'm still trying to figure myself out.
but as for now, i just do what and live out how i feel inside.
if i got no appetide, then fine, starve.
if i feel like bitching, then fine, be horrible.
if i feel like being dead, then fine, be dead.
stop being.

i'm on a 'long vacation' away from life.
away from 'me'.

one less lonely girl...

right now, at this moment...
while i'm writing away on this post...
using a borrowed notebook i got from the faculty...
my head and shoulder is moving according to the beat of
"one less lonely girl" from justin bieber.

never a fan of his...but this... one song is exceptional.
suits the mood... my mood just right.

just a couple of hours ago, i never thought i will ever again...
but i did.
yes, i'm sure...
there's one less lonely girl in this world.

moonshin.