Anchor

Do you have an ‘anchor’ in the ‘outside world’?
Well, I have… but only a few.
They scatter around my perimeter,
creating safe zones – places, I can call my own.
And in times, anchoring me from unpredictable waves of reality.

And Dr. J is one of that anchors…
She has been one, ever since the first day I stepped into the lecture hall.
I remember writing her a note on that day…
Insisting to be included in her tutorial.
For her birthday last month, I put together a little ‘something’ in front of her room…
There were colorful balloons with ribbons…
A banner with ‘Happy Birthday Dr. J’ written on them…
And a card with my wishes and lyric of a song that I dedicated to her.
But I didn’t put my name on it though…
I just wanted others to know…
So that she could receive lots of wishes and love on her special day.
Anyway, she phoned me the next day saying…
“I know it’s you. You’ve made my day…”
I met her today at work.
She kissed my cheeks twice before we said goodbye…
To me, she’s my only teacher.

I have a single-track mind, you see.
I focus on my study and I do my own things, my way.
Believe me when I say…
it’s hard to be so, without a friend around to be your anchor.
Yat is my anchor among the many familiar faces of friends.
If you are reading this, Yat, please don’t go repeating this in front of my face.
I’d die of embarrassment. Hahahahaaa!
She’s the one I’d call to share my days’ stories…
She’s the one I’d call when I’m hungry and needed food… ;)
She’s the one I’d call when I’m happy or sad…
She’s the one I’d call when I want to go shopping…
She’s the one I’m most comfortable with…
No pretence. No lies.
She’s my anchor without a doubt.

Syud, my old roommate came to my room today.
Yes, she’s also another one of my anchor.
We’ve shared so much memories together of life in college.
I still remember creeping around in the dead silent night…
We fried some instant ‘prawn cekodoks’ using her multi-purpose cooker,
at 12 midnight…laughing, chatting, gossiping and sharing secrets…
We spent so many nights, just lying awake, talking to each other…
She’s the only friend who has ever had a sleepover at my house.
She will forever be, one of my anchors.

Do you have friends that no matter what they do, you just can’t bring
yourself to hate or to be mad at them?
I have many of those and one of them is also another anchor of mine.
Syamim has been around ever since my high school days.
We’ve gone our separate ways but we still keep track of each other.
It’s weird how every time I hang out with her, it’s like…
We’ve never been apart at all…
It’s like being back in high school days all over again.
She is the anchor that connects the past and the present ‘me’.

You know, writing this down has made me realized that,
to be and to feel accepted is important.
I am who I am and I can be who I want to be because I have
my anchors around for support when my family is out of reached.
I have also realized that to ‘classify’ a person as my anchor…
Doesn’t need so much of a ‘qualification’ than a reaching hand for me
to hold and be friends.

So, to all of my friends,
thank you for being a part of this world.
With you guys in it, everything is so much fun, colorful and full of joy.
I hope we’ll stay friends forever.
Let us not be strangers the next time we meet again.
Bye for now.

Lots of Luv, Moonshin.

with the moon

It has been very hot lately.
The usual loitering around the room has become considerably unbearable
because of the heat.
Afternoon nap…
will have you drenched in sweat in minutes.
So, I’ve been doing my work late into the night in anticipation of cooler surroundings.
Somehow, my brain disengaged when it’s hot.
As if…
it hibernated when the environment becomes too hostile.
I just dozed off – unknowingly.

I start my work around midnight.
Checking and sending emails. Organize and update the files. Search for new info.
Whatever it is that my boss has instructed me to do.
Without realizing it…
My ‘day’ has become my ‘night’….
And the moon is in the place of the sun.
The moon is my sun…
at the moment.

I enjoy working while listening to songs.
Last night, I listened to only Spitz.
Occasionally, glancing at the open-window…
The moon seemed closer with the passing time…
I know it’ll soon disappear behind those hills in the background…
It’ll be invisible in the presence of the sun.

But that’s okay cause I know it’s there – just hidden.
I might be out here alone but I have my family.
They are like the moon – always there.
So, I’ll walk on tomorrow, always with the moon.

what i have is small

Mom,
I wish I could buy that Timberland handbag for you…
So you could brag and show it to your friends when you go
for your usual morning trips – selling cakes and rice up at the stalls joint.
You said that it’s a hassle to have a handbag around…
But, I know better.

Dad,
I wish I could take you out on trips across the world.
So you could exchange stories among friends…
Have new experiences to talk about…
I know retirement does not suit you because
the usual light behind your eyes is often absent these days.
Yes, I can tell.

Sis,
I wish I could buy you new clothes when you start your new job.
Lil Sis,
I wish I could buy you tons of delicious things to eat all the time,
and not just occasionally….

I wish I could bring better gifts with me for my students this coming Saturday.
We are getting together again after a long time…
But all that I could bring with me are cheap key chains.

I know that I’m not that good of a person.
I’m not empathic…I’m almost always make trouble for everyone.
I’m of no used in many things…

But please know that…
Even though, what I have is small…
Even though, all that I can give right now is next to nothing…
Please accept them with an open heart…
Family, friends and my students…
I’m grateful to all of you.

Thank you.

getting used to...

Unlike what everybody else is saying...
'getting used to anything' is difficult.
at least, that is how i feel.

i'm old now, i know...
there are certain expectations people imposed on us when we get to this stage in life.
whether we've agreed to it...
whether we like it or not.

people younger than me - my juniors - expect me to know all the nooks and cranny of campus life...
they say that i must be getting used to 'things' as a senior undergrad...
...used to get in front and do the presentations...
...used to sit in exams and get As...
...so used to everything that my life is like a walk in the park to them.
but in actuality, i am not used to anything.

everything needs - if not a lot - a little courage.

i expected that, after 4 years of living outside the comforts of home,
i'll be getting used to coming home and then, leaving it after a period of time...
but no.
there is this tight feeling in my stomach every time the bus started to move...
...every time, i kissed my parents' hands goodbye...
...the first few seconds, when i found myself alone in my room back at campus...
i'm not used to anything.

the only thing that i'm getting used to is...
how life's getting harder as you get older.
i'm not saying it as a bad thing...
just letting you guys know, that life's can be a bitch at times.(LOL)

it'll take efforts and courage every time...
i don't think that it is a bad way to live life.
a bit stressful, i guess.
but 'getting used to something' tends to make you take things for granted, don't you think?
herm....