just something i need to say

These past couple of days, I find it hard to listen to the usual happy songs...
While I feel dead inside...
even though the words reached my ears just fine,
my brain it seems to be translating a bunch of incomprehensible static that it blocked my ability to understand any of its words.

The lively melody bounces off my ear-canals, not taking in anything.
A usual routine that used to infect my mood like a virus...
Lifting up my spirit...
Is now, gone.

I used to be able to relate to the stories behind the lyrics...
Now, it feels foreign and empty.
The somebody-else’s story, remains just...somebody else’s, not mine.

I guess even for someone like me, these kinds of things do affect me...
It might not be for a while longer but...it does affect me, nonetheless.

I won’t say I am sorry when I am not.
Please do not forgive me when I am not asking for any.
It will be patronizing...and I don’t want that.

But I do learn from my past mistakes...
From she who has gone through the same situation...
From she who has not easily thrown me away despite what I have said in the past...
Despite my coldness and at times seemingly ignorant...
We are not even blood-related...now I know the gravity of what it means to be related to someone...
From she who keeps what little of that unimportant relationship that we have...
From she who never takes the step to sever that tie...

I am grateful...
I am grateful towards you for helping me and welcoming me into your home...
I am grateful towards you who did not abandon me.

This part of you I find really admirable that I feel like I’ve been blind all my life when it comes to family and living among people.

I will try my best to do the same for my little sister...
I will bend for her, and for you and your family...
If ever you need me, I will be your real little sister this time around.
And what past-conflict I had with Brother...I feel now, I am ready to let it go – completely.
I was not being honest to myself or anyone before this but, not this time.

I will bend for my parents, my friends, my students....including those that need my kindness....
And I will bend also for the ones who have severed their ties with me.

This is a promise I made to myself...and I
will honour it.

........................................................
P/S:
Dear readers, please read my post as it is.
For my sake, do not add on your own personal interpretation of it because then, you’ll just end up mixing and complicate things.
Do not read for things that are not even there.
Just read for what it is.

God bless and stay strong.