A...lone

I never felt more alone than I did last night and today...

while standing in a crowd of stranger heightens the feeling more...

I was shocked to discover that the terrible feeling in my gut is not from the alienation of the world....but rather....

the feeling of being cast away by those I thought at least, cared.....

I Have Love. You Have Love.

It took me 4 years to recover some of the feelings that I have lost...
At first I thought it was never possible...
I mean first love is memorable since it’s our first.
As simple as that...but makes a whole lot difference.

Hearing stories from friends...
How their feelings were not answered...
It never failed to take me back to those days...
Makes me realize just how happy it is to love and to be loved.
I was lucky...

I guess the old confidence vanished with the first...
...rubbed raw onto the pavement leaving nothing but innocent feelings of liking that one person.
This second encounter, I guess...
There is nothing extravagant that make me ruled him out of the rest...
But he gave me moments...moments where I thought were lost forever.

The day when it rained...
When you called out my name...
The story you wrote that you shared with me...

Like I said, moments...
To say that I am ready to get back in the game is ridiculous.
But I am definitely recovering.
I was lucky to meet him and...
Some part of me felt glad that I can still feel these kinds of feelings.

Might seem silly to most people...
But I’d like to appreciate these little things...these little moments.
I have love.
It might not meant for the ‘He’...
...I might have passed my destined one – I don’t know.
But one thing for sure, I have love.
I can give love to my family, friends and students.

I should have realized this earlier...
That love is not a ration...I shouldn’t have let my feelings be lost.
It was there from the beginning...awaiting me to retrace them back.

You have love too. Never forget that.

parting ways...but not at heart

About two months ago...I donated all of my old books to a school in Indonesia.
I spent a month there as a teacher-trainee when I was still an undergrad.
The people there were so kind and friendly...
The moment I left the school, I vowed to do something in return for their kindness.
Looking outside the minivan's window, as it drove me passed the main gates towards the airport....
i knew deep in my heart that it'll be the last time for me to lay my eyes on it...

Just the night before, I spent playing, laughing and joking around with my students...
How happy they were just to hear my announcement broadcasted throughout the whole school during the day, that I wanted to meet them...
I gave each of them a handmade and handwritten card...to show them every little bit of my feelings and sincerety towards them...
I was and still am proud to be their teacher.

It took me 2 years to finally be able to do something...
The me back then, was really hopeless...I was getting help just to get by...
...it was really frustrating for me to keep that little wish of mine dormant and hidden.

I love books and their library has a little bit of problem getting their hands on English books...
So, I thought I could help them with this.
I grew up with books...they have helped me...they have given me joy...
Remembering the eager faces of students there when it comes to learning...
I want my books to be able to do the same for them...
I hope whatever bit of happiness, knowledge and inspiration that I have gained through reading those books, will also be experienced by their new owners.

I want them to know that I am forever thankful and that my stay there and our friendship was real.

I hope to be able to support and be a part of your strength - here and always.

Weight

Growing up, it feels as though there was always somebody beside me to help carry the weight.

Even now...
Be it the old beat-up bus...my Dad's car...I was and am always being 'carried' off to somewhere with somebody....
So 'spoiled', ignorant and naive that I grew accustomed of having to share the weight that I carry.
But now, as I walk on my own two feet...
Even when I leave my old self behind...
The uncertainties....the fear...the disappointment...
The dead weight in itself is heavy...

I challenge myself to a hill every time I went for my usual morning walks...
Every time it gets less and less hard.
Every time, I feel myself smiling more and more when I reach the top.

Being kids...

There is this...one scene in the Japanese Drama, ‘Overtime’ that I really like.
Two people...on a winter night, in a nearby park...
A guy and a girl playing ‘tamago game’ (penalty game using eggs)...
They were laughing like mad and the scene ended like that with one of the eggs landed on the girl’s head.

I am not sure how to explain it...
But to me, it feels innocent.
No lies. No complicated feelings.
Just...feel happy to be in each other company.

I think, most people nowadays have problems to do just that...
There is a different meaning behind each ‘I love you’ and each with a varying degree of passion.
However, all are heartfelt, true and meaningful at the same time.
It’s hard to see past the different shades but to take it any other way is wrong too.
It’s complicated...
Yeah, it is becoming more so as I grow older.

Like a test from up above, I received a couple of ‘ILUs’ these past several days.
These pleasant surprises...
I reacted naturally, acknowledging how they feel but never too much to cross that boundary to being more than how they really feel.
Sometimes, they might not even know how they really feel inside.
To protect that person...and more so, to protect myself.

In times like these, I can’t help feeling like a teacher...
“Yeah...me too. Thanks. Hehehehe...what’s up with you? Forget to take your meds huh? Hahahahahah...Did something happened?”
While I feel somewhat flattered...I sighed heavily at the same time.
Haaa~ *sigh*

But last week, there was this moment when he bade goodbye...
I was reminded of that scene in ‘Overtime’ and how I have missed having those feelings.
We haven’t talked for years...and somehow when he waved his hands at me, it felt like no time had passed and we’re still friends.

To say that I have feelings for him....Nah~
There was never anything to even begin with.
That’s not it.
We’ve shared a lot and we enjoyed our times together.
Those days we never bothered about looking pretty or good in front of each other...
Yeah...those days were innocent, I give you that.

...and when he bade that goodbye...apart from it meant what it is...
I’d like to think that he still remembers that I was and maybe am still his friend.

Books and me

I’ve mentioned before that I have difficulty in learning how to read when I was young.
Even when I can, I avoided it until much later.
My father, being a teacher....surprisingly, he never forced me.
But he supports and motivates me in his own way....
Our home is never without a fresh store of reading materials.
Reader’s Digest, National Geographic, Times, novels, memoirs, reference books...

I received Rm600 every 6 months as a scholarship when I was in high school...
My father said to spend it wisely.
I remembered that day as clear as much as it was fuzzy...
I remembered browsing through one of the aisle of a bookstore back in my hometown...
with my hands touching books...
I came across one of Montgomery’s Anne chronicles.
It was ‘Anne of the Island’.
It wouldn’t be over-reacting to describe the moment as love at first sight...
Because that was how I felt.

I read and read until I finished the whole book.
Honestly, I didn’t understand 90% of it.
And not once did I referred to the dictionary...I still can’t figure out why...
That was how I became acquainted to the world of books.

Used to take me several weeks to finish a book...
Now just under 4 hours...
I’ve come a long way.

Books allow me to escape my life from time to time...
But not out of dislike...it is a form of wonderment for me.
A travelling trip in a 3-in-1 package.

Even now, I really enjoy reading after coming back from class...
With a hot drink by my side...cuddling a soft cushion...
with the occasional whistling of a wind chime to accompany me by my small window...
I will be in between worlds and at peace and safe.

I bought over 40 books at the Big Bad Wolf book fest....
That was a day to remember in itself...
And while I was browsing the rack for interesting books...
I felt like I saw the younger me smiled from afar....


Big Bad Wolf Book Fest

something is just worth protecting...

I have two sets of piercings on both of my ears...
My hair is a bit brownish since I dyed them last month...
I waited till I’ve finished my contract with the school before doing it.
Not the usual image you have in mind for a teacher huh?

I want you to know that I understand this completely...
what it entails...what it means...
Call me a hypocrite if you must...for living two lies...
But I am and will try to protect my students in any way I can...
Even from something or someone like...me.

While I am familiar with the world that they are living in...
While I tried my best to do them justice when I was still their teacher...
If possible, I just wish...I wish I could protect their innocence a while longer...
Even if that means hiding the real me...or at least my current self.

I am not too sure what people will think...
I might look like this...
But in most parts, I do have a share of my own innocence...
I don’t hold all the world answers in the palm of my hands.
And I don’t think that is a bad thing...

I have my own principles and I have my own rules...
There’ll come a day when you’ll understand.
Something is just worth protecting...

just something i need to say

These past couple of days, I find it hard to listen to the usual happy songs...
While I feel dead inside...
even though the words reached my ears just fine,
my brain it seems to be translating a bunch of incomprehensible static that it blocked my ability to understand any of its words.

The lively melody bounces off my ear-canals, not taking in anything.
A usual routine that used to infect my mood like a virus...
Lifting up my spirit...
Is now, gone.

I used to be able to relate to the stories behind the lyrics...
Now, it feels foreign and empty.
The somebody-else’s story, remains just...somebody else’s, not mine.

I guess even for someone like me, these kinds of things do affect me...
It might not be for a while longer but...it does affect me, nonetheless.

I won’t say I am sorry when I am not.
Please do not forgive me when I am not asking for any.
It will be patronizing...and I don’t want that.

But I do learn from my past mistakes...
From she who has gone through the same situation...
From she who has not easily thrown me away despite what I have said in the past...
Despite my coldness and at times seemingly ignorant...
We are not even blood-related...now I know the gravity of what it means to be related to someone...
From she who keeps what little of that unimportant relationship that we have...
From she who never takes the step to sever that tie...

I am grateful...
I am grateful towards you for helping me and welcoming me into your home...
I am grateful towards you who did not abandon me.

This part of you I find really admirable that I feel like I’ve been blind all my life when it comes to family and living among people.

I will try my best to do the same for my little sister...
I will bend for her, and for you and your family...
If ever you need me, I will be your real little sister this time around.
And what past-conflict I had with Brother...I feel now, I am ready to let it go – completely.
I was not being honest to myself or anyone before this but, not this time.

I will bend for my parents, my friends, my students....including those that need my kindness....
And I will bend also for the ones who have severed their ties with me.

This is a promise I made to myself...and I
will honour it.

........................................................
P/S:
Dear readers, please read my post as it is.
For my sake, do not add on your own personal interpretation of it because then, you’ll just end up mixing and complicate things.
Do not read for things that are not even there.
Just read for what it is.

God bless and stay strong.

Past, Present & Future 'Me'

I can’t say that I don’t have any regrets,
living throughout these past years...
I do have regrets.

But if I have been given a chance to go back in time,
To salvage or rectify some of the mistakes that I have made...
I am not confident enough to say
that I will take a different road or make a different decision
than what I have done in the past.

I am me,
no matter what the time, the place, or whoever might be standing in front of me...
I am me.

Times when I sit alone and try to think of a better way to go about doing it...
Perhaps there were several things that could make things less painful and difficult...
But...
Honestly, I don’t think it will make much of a difference.
I stand by my choice and decision and that is it.

Time and time again, the question will occasionally float around in my head despite my conclusion and determination.
Sometimes, it brings doubt and guilt...
And I will be tortured by the sense of helplessness that all of this doesn’t make sense.
Like how I usually face things by finding the underlying pattern or understanding of the whole event,

But LIFE is nothing like an event.
It does not concern, just YOU.
Too many variables...including unpredictable and unstable ones...
I feel like throwing in the towel just thinking about it.

We make decisions...I make decisions based on the time that it was given to me.
With what little knowledge that I have...
With wisdom and a combination of logic and empathetically deduced ending...
I tried.

Did you try?
I am also one of your ‘variables’, might not be an important one...
But did you at least try to consider my ‘properties’ like how I have done with yours?

What has passed is irrevocable.
So I will add another try on my long list of becoming a better me...
My effort might look like nothing but I have the awareness.
That makes a different.
In life – towards the past, present and for the coming future – that makes a huge difference.
It shows that my life has not yet, reached its end-point.
I still have hope that I will change just as how my life will.
For a better future – I am not without hope.

So,
I will try again...
This time not to look back on the past but to look forward to future.
I will change, not the past but the future.
The future me still has that 100% probability of taking a different road or
Make a different choice.
Because the ‘me’ in the future will not be the same as the ‘me’ in the past...

I will not allow it...
And this is, what I believe in.

filing away life

I was working on my thesis when I heard the all-so-familiar sound of the postman’s motorcycle.
Followed by the usual Tet! Tet!
Herm...an express mail – ‘That must be it’, was what I thought.
My desk is right in front of the window, overlooking the front porch...
So yeah, I’ve been stalking the mail man weeks before Raya because I was waiting on an important letter from the university.

I kept my head poised over my laptop though – not flinching even one bit.
Even though my head was all over the place after the first ‘Tet!’ sound.
Then, Dad came in with a big envelope in his hand – Aha! LOL.

I read through the stack, jotting down things that I have to prepare and do.
All of my important documents – birth cert, passport, and academic cert, my degree cert, blah, blah, blah....
I keep it in big folder – a blue and white checker file.
I thought to myself, “What the hell...might as well clean this ‘Pandora box’ a little bit now that I’ve opened it”.
So I did.

My kindergarten cert is still in there.
Along with receipts, letters and other office stuff.
There’s also some goodbye letters and cards from students...
The 10 000 Baht I received in my first year, helping a group of students from Thailand cruising around the campus...their lecturer was very kind...
Some keepsakes... a 100 000 rupiah from Indonesia when I went there for my teaching practical...
And a couple of Mauritius rupee coins from last trip in July.

My first ever pay-cheque slip...LOL. God, I still have that?
And my entire collection of student’s ID cards I’ve ever received...from high school, matriculation college, degree years, colleges...some even has changed its colours over the years....
Some TVXQ! Stickers...a bank slip for JYJ concert goodies and tickets that I purchased last year...
A dream came true...
I still feel the adrenaline and the feeling of immense happiness every time I think of that day when I was under the same roof as Jaejoong...
Even now, each time I get onto the LRT or monorail...I will make sure to catch a glimpse of Stadium Negara...forever an important landmark for me.

At the bottom of the first folder, I found 5 stickers of cute girls.
Now thinking back on it, I bought these when I was 12...
I used to have a thing for stickers...I collected them and sold them to friends at school.
Oh yeah...I was kind of an entrepreneur when I was young. LOL.
I was saving it for the right time... I guess it just never came.

My degree courses lasted for 4 years (yeah, it was long; all from the education faculty lasts that long).
In that file, I still have all eight of my examination slips (2 for each year).
Man, it is really a miracle how the file can hold all of this stuff....

I got rid of out-dated letters, trash, old receipts, more trash...
Now, the file is no longer bulging like it was before.
It has ‘slimmed down’ a little. Okay, a wee lil bit. LOL.
What can I say, I’m a collector.

This cleaning-of-file job...
I can’t wait to do it again after another 5 or 10 years.
The reminiscent moments as I flipped through the folders...
As I picked up traces from yesteryears...
It gave me a fluttery bittersweet feeling.
I felt like my heart bloomed when I touched these...
These evidences of my past existence.

A new semester will reopen soon...what I hope to be my last.
Time runs too fast. It was only a year ago when I applied for my Master degree...
A lot of things have happened since then...some were bad but mostly good if you are the optimistic kind of gal like me. LOL.

Like always, I will take this file back to the uni again with me.

I took the bus a lot since I first started life away from home and that was like almost 6 years ago...
If I had kept every bus ticket I’ve ever bought, I wonder what will happen to the file...
Herm...
Even so, there is only one bus ticket that I will never throw away...
And that was for my longest bus ride I ever had in my life.
It was when I went for my interview, alone last May.
The memories itself were unbelievable...with nothing but a resume, a blazer and a bottle of mineral water...some cash and a return ticket home.
No change of clothes whatsoever...so I practically didn’t wash myself for 2 days.
On the morning of the interview till the next morning I arrived home.
Radical, isn’t it? ;)

I am a naturalist, romanticist and optimist.
I am a dreamer. I am an observer.
I am a collector.

I am me.
Now, tell me who are you?

afternoon musing

26/8, 5.15pm

I’m happy but at the same time, I’m scared.
I’m scared if I feel too happy, it’ll jinx all the good things away.
I seldom get what I want...
Even when I really want it, I don’t hope...
Hope will make things worse if it is not granted.

But today...
Today is so surreal that I spent hours, enveloped in my blanket...
Thinking that perhaps it is not real.
Just like every other times, when it is all just in my head.

I’m happy but I’m scared.
I received a message from her via FB couple of days ago.
I was really, really happy but I’m scared if I messed things up again.

Then...

At last I sent that sms.
Now, i know and understand why I feel the way i do.
I think I like him. Maybe.

After that...

I got a call telling that everything is being processed smoothly.
Looks like i’m really a lecturer now.
Still find it hard to believe it.

Later...

Dad wants to take me out scouting for my first car.
The only one I like is Honda CRZ hybrid.
Won’t take anything else but ‘him’.
His my ideal ‘companion’ when i start my new life next year.
Heheheheh....;)

A friend I met on the job interview, messaged me.
We chatted for a while.
Now, I don’t feel at all terrible going to a new place next year.
I’ll have my friend with me.

I’m writing my thesis in my room, overlooking a window...
I could hear clutters outside my room...
My Mom and Dad preparing to break fast.
Actually, I’ve stopped for now...
I’m sms-ing with him whose on the way back from work.

I’m happy. I’m grateful.
I’m scared before... thinking that I am not being grateful enough.
But after I’ve written this down, I feel it in my heart...
Yes, I am grateful.

(^ ^)/ fighting!

^^ good news

it is official...just received the letter today.
i'll start teaching after graduation next year at a university.
it's by the sea...so i kinda like it there.

i feel happy?
i feel relief?
mix of both, i guess.
I know it's hard to find work nowadays.
i am grateful. ^^

this is something that happens to me.
i hope everybody has sumthing good, sumthing happen, somewhere.
God bless ^^

one second

When the white curtains danced gently with the morning wind...
Within 5 short meaningless seconds you’d used to get through a door...
Which seconds do you think manage to capture the scene’s brilliance?

I think it was the third second when the sun hit the glass screen amidst the curtains halo...

Looking at a clutter on a desk...
a camera...couple of pencil studs – 6Bs...Sketch book...worn out eraser...and a London bus keychain.
Usual rubbish you’d find at any dreamer’s working place.
These common objects... in these moments...if wasted on a couple of snapshots...
Which do you think makes the best shot?

I think it was when the mind’s eyes see the person crouching low over the desk drawing an imaginary world, occasionally looking at the keychain...
A precious memento...
Makes the best shot of them all.
Just a split second as the thought passes through...before you captured it.

At times like these...sometimes I feel like I can stop time...
Or perhaps, is it just my processing ability a bit slow?
That I can see every second clearly?
The more accurate description I think...it is like I’m swimming in time.
Herm...I just made it worst with that. LOL.


Aside from this...this appreciation moments to see what there is and what they could be...
there are also seconds where I could make change...
seconds where I could avoid a person from getting hurt...
seconds where I could help remedy a sad heart...
seconds where I could make things better...
but most times too, I find myself unable to do so.

That sucks a lot of the time - it's frustrating.
I wish I could do something...
I always tell myself - stop being the observer...
it's hard...

but I'll never stop trying.
I want to understand...
I want to see things for what it is and what it could be...
I want to know a friend for what she is and what she could be...
I want to see the world for what it is and what it can offer.

never stop trying.
I'll live on every seconds I have.

Flight to Mauritius

The flight to Mauritius took about 10 hours...
which I happily spent gulping down a pill and slept it off.
Now I know, me and airplanes don't go together well. LOL.

But before I was off to dream land, I managed to snap this picture.
To me, the view was simply amazing....

Back at home, yeah, I was always watching the sky...
but here, oh man, i got to see a new face of the sky...
and it was so beautiful...

Sad and happy boxes

People like to store their emotions in spaces around them.
When they are happy, they look up.
When they are sad, they look down.
These little actions occur unknowingly...
Sometimes unconsciously, to lessen the pain that they are carrying when they are hurt.
To appreciate the feeling of joy when they are happy.

Two very different things...
Two almost the same.

When we look down, it becomes difficult to walk...
A little bump on the road can make you trip...
A little carelessness could get you into trouble.

When you look down, you are avoiding.
You are not facing it.

So, I am telling you.
Next time when something bad happens...
If looking up is too much...
Don’t look down, look forward instead.

If you still have your goal... if you still have your dreams...
If you are still breathing...
Then, look forward – move on.
Living in itself, is trying.

The saying that time will heal everything is a lie.
But with time, the hurt will fade a little.
Just a little...it wouldn’t hurt as much.

That’s the funny thing with the human brain, they remember unimportant details...
Yes, with time.... that is what they will become.

Don’t just hope for a better day.
We both know it won’t work that way.
Go, mope for a day if you have to.
Cry a bucket if you want to.
Eat a tub of ice-cream that is my crazy. Hehehehe...

Then, pick yourself up and look forward.

There will be a day again someday, when you’ll look up.
You won’t be down for forever.
You already know this, so why the drama?
Okay? Great. ^^
Make it a habit to look up and to look forward.
You’ll be fine.

lazy caterpillar

Air-con’s temp 18 degrees – checked. Remote in sight – checked.
My favourite pillows all stacked up accordingly – checked.
Lappy is on and a folder of new movies and dramas – checked.
My soft-green comforter – checked.
Sunlight – checked. I like a well-lit room during the day.
Me – checked. Specky, hair tie up in a bun with a hair clip upfront, big shirt and shorts. Okay, I’m all set.

Yep, I’m all alone in my room.
Well at this moment, these four walls are my world to me.
That is how it is – how I like to spend my days at home.
Of course, I go out and hang out with my family and friends...
But I can only do this...be like this, at home. No where else.
I feel safe.

My Dad found me one afternoon, curling under my comforter, he laughed and said,
It is difficult for him to believe that this daughter of his just flew 6 thousand km to attend a conference when she is lazy just to find the air-con remote.
Yeah, it’s hard for me to believe too.
Mom understands me very well; too well that she gives me space whenever I’ve retreated to my room.

Confined and imprison it might seem to others, it is so freeing to me.
I’m free to think about anything and not having anyone to interrupt or disagree with me.
I’m free to create whatever world I want in my head.
I’m free to travel anywhere and to be able to bend time – to go to places in my memories and to relive them.
All in the comforts of my room, my home.

I think it is a pity if a person does not know how to enjoy the ordinary things in life...
because it makes the extraordinary much, much more amazing and unforgettable.
My 1st times or my 2nd times, be it the hundredth times...I know I'll be able to enjoy it...
I will enjoy it like it is my 1st time, every time.

Now, that I am attached to university...my time to have a place of my own is near.
I won't be much at home starting next year.
So I want to treasure this moment.

After 17, your home will be just like a hotel.
You come back after a while but just to go out again, into the outside world.

As I'm writing this, I'm also listening to a song I heard a long time...
I remembered the me back then.

Curling under the comforter in front of my lappy...
just like a caterpillar.
I don't know what to call this habit of mine...or should i call it my hobby instead?
is definitely, precious.

Nobel Prize Winner - I met one.

Professor Dr. Mohammad Yunus


Think differently.
Think creatively.

He won Nobel Laureate for Peace in 2006.

I was standing by the aisle when he walked by.
I was determined to just smile at him...
But then, he reached out his hand to me...
And we shook hands.

That has made all the difference I could ever hope to gain.
He has inspired me.
He has lighted a fire in me.

I have met a Nobel Prize winner.

two feet in one shoe

I’ve been told that I am very empathetic.
I tend to delve too deep into other people’s shoes, they say.
Maybe, they are right...I don’t know.
Sometimes, I’m not sure anymore...whether what I’m feeling is really mine or somebody else’s...

I’ve been told that I am a good listener.
I listen very well and others feel safe to open themselves up to me, they say.
After I’ve been told several times...they are right, I guess.
I like to share stories when I have one to tell.
I know how satisfying and happy it’ll make you feel to have somebody listening to you...
And some stories just feel more meaningful and more joyful when shared...
I just couldn’t ignore that...
I just could not, not return that favour...

When a friend is sad, how can you not feel her sorrow?
You’ve been down that road before...
It was painful for you, why should it be too for others?
Hold her hands if words are scarce...
Pat her back if a hug is too much...
Give her tissues if tears are cheap for her that day...


When a friend received good news, how can you not celebrate and be genuinely happy for her?
Looking at how hard she works...how focus she is at it...
How can you be nothing but jealous at her success?
No need for expensive cakes or presents...
Just a sincere congratulation topped up with a smile would be enough.

When something bad happened to your friend, how can you not worry?
When your friend cries, how can you not feel something?
You, who cried watching movies which are not even real, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

Communication goes both ways...
We need it as much as the other person needs it.
Stop and listen sometimes...
Don’t listen too much on what your brain has to say when it comes to another...
What matters is you listen to your heart.
Be true, you’ll be a good friend.

When your friend got selected over you... Fine, tell her you are jealous.
But, don’t forget to tell her as well that you are happy for her.
It’s not hard...just take a few minutes to talk to your heart...
Ask your heart what does it feels about it.
Face it.
The answer will come to you on what to do next.

If ever a friend did something wrong...
Please don’t attack her straight on like I did my friend.
Even now, I still regretted that terribly...
Instead ask yourself first, how you feel about it.
Be honest.
Follow your heart.
You’ll be fine.

How many points would you give for love?

I used to think that once a child has grown up...
She will stop loving her parents unconditionally.
Because when the ‘head’ interferes with the ‘heart’, its ‘analysis’ then, becomes ‘figurative’ and ‘factual’.
But now that I’ve somewhat grown up...I think it’s the opposite.

As a little kid...
Every time Mom took me out shopping for new clothes, my love for her tended to spike really high.
When she cooked my favourite meals...the surprise when she seems to be channelling my ‘stomach’ – picking up ‘cake alerts’ or ‘hungry vibration’ – I felt loved...and cared for.
The hospital stay became bearable each time because I’ll be waiting for her to come through those doors with home-cooked breakfast.
The small things...
Like when she waited with an umbrella outside my class on rainy days...
How she prepares, even now when I am at home...two glasses – one Milo, one cold water – for me at breakfast because I hated the taste of Milo in my mouth after sometimes.

I know Mom feels kind of left out sometimes, when I talk more to Dad about stuff...
So, this is how we connect... I change a little bit of myself around her, not out of pretence, but because I care. I appreciate. I am grateful.
I know Mom well enough now...she can’t handle stress and problem well... she panics easily and I see that not all of my family members understand.
I tell myself always be a part of the solution.
I used to nag at her... but now, I’ve stopped.
Mom, comes what may, if u need me, if you’ve made yet the wrong decision...
No worries, I’ll make everything better.

I’ve stopped counting and waiting for new pair of shoes... I’ve stopped hoping for something in return for anything...
It’s my turn now, to buy you nice things...take you out for dinner... give you pocket money...
Your gray hairs are spreading like wildfire on your head... time is ticking and I want you to smile when you are thinking of me... I want you to brag about me to your friends... I want you to sigh with relief when you get off the phone after talking to me...
I want to do right by you while I still have time...


We go out for a drive a lot... my Dad and me.
Even now, when I go back home... We’ll just naturally find an excuse to go out and explore.
We talk about a lot of things and now, I found myself quoting him in my head when things get tough.
I love it when Dad pays more attention to me than the others...

As a little kid...
The books that he has given me...even though I couldn’t read at that point in time... I always compensate with my wild imagination to understand what it says – because of that I get to ‘travel to places’ and ‘experience many things’.
Dad used to put me to bed every night...
And always...always after a cup of Milo.
The small things...
A pat on the head... coconut he took home for me that he found somewhere... weird –looking bottles that he knows I’d love to have... phrases or news papers cuttings that he knows will interest me...
Beautiful pictures from magazines or calendars...

I remember a map that used to be in my room – sprawled across the wall in front of my study desk that Dad gave me...
A map of the world.
Herm...used to spend a lot of time, gazing up at that map... sometimes, pointing at it with my finger at random to decide which country I shall ‘go to today’...
Our house might be small to others...but it is the whole world to me.
I was never chained down by its walls, thanks to you...
You have taught me that and now, I am passing it on to my students...

Dad, I know you try to buy me everything that I ask of you...
You repeatedly told me how sorry you were when you couldn’t help me with things...
But you know what? Your prayers... and your words when you say, ‘come home, I’ll be waiting’...is more than enough.
We never had a water heater...
Dad prepared hot bath for me during my exam days at school... standing over the stove waiting on the kettle to boil.

In the past...
Occasionally, I had to ‘create’ and ‘build’ some stuff that I want but couldn’t have...
But that’s okay; I have always enjoyed doing things like that...
If you asked me now, I wouldn’t have it any other way...
I am who I am today because of my family.
I don’t need to give them marks on love...
Never there’s a need to, in the first place.

Use the head to remember,
use the heart to return the love, to appreciate and to show that you feel the same.

Graduate Scholar Award

Dear....,
Thank you very much for applying for the Graduate Scholar Award for Eighteenth International Conference on Learning in Mauritius from 5-8 July. We had many well qualified students apply for the award and are very pleased to inform you that we have selected you as one of our recipients. As a result, you will receive a fee waiver for the conference registration. Additionally, you will be introduced at the conference opening session along with your fellow Graduate Scholar Awardees.


Herm... ^^ been calling Mom and Dad, Dr M, and others all day to share the news. getting this, means I am amount to something right? now i know that persuading others is much more easier than persuading yourself~

if all goes well, i'll be flying out to Mauritius this coming July ^^
Thank you, God. I am really grateful.

LOts of LOVe,
moonshin

Do I even worth anything?

I acted cool; saying those words like it meant something.
I acted like I know things; as if it is a given since I am older than you.
Naturally, I told you my life’s story.
Without shame, I gave you advices.
Without thinking twice of its effects on you, I spewed a lot of crap about life and dreams.

Have I changed anything from the Me ten years back?
Have I learnt my lesson on the day that I cried in the hall with the blank exam answer sheet in front of me?
Have I changed at all these past several years?
Have I achieved anything?

Why do I feel like I’m still that damn useless girl back then?
Why do I feel like I have yet achieved anything?
Why do I feel everything that I do is meaningless?
Do I even worth anything?

.....

JYJ - THREEvoices

Kyaaaaa~ (=^ ^=)

Afternoon rain

I woke up to a pair of big eyes...
Small fingers, small voice.

The movie that I was watching has long ended...
Leaving the wallpaper on the desktop, staring back at me...
I turned it off, absent-mindedly.

You were humming a soft melody...
Felt oddly familiar...was it from a long time ago?

Outside was raining...
Making me feel a little sad...
Such bittersweet feelings,
With a scent of sun.

What was I doing again before I got disconnected from the world?
Yeah...I could only remember faintly I was waiting...
Or was I, giving up?
Couldn’t make up which.
But in that little room with you,
It’s no longer important.

Watching the rain...
With your humming turning into singing...
I focused my heart trying to stop the time...
-to just be.

The rain stopped.
The air – warm and still.
Like a scene in a lonely art gallery,
Holding hands, we stood by the window...
With you, still with that ballad song...
By my side.

The rain might has stopped outside..
But in my world, it is not...
Because to me, you are my rain.

ACCEPTED

I am pleased to be able to inform you that your paper, has been Accepted for publication in The International Journal of Learning.

The International Journal of Learning is a fully peer-refereed Journal.
Only those papers that are accepted through the refereeing process will be published in the Journal. Our refereeing processes are rigorous,consistent, fair and objective. Each paper is sent to a minimum of two referees for review.

Common Ground journals are internationally recognised and indexed in major
databases around the world. Please visit the Journal website at http://ijl.cgpublisher.com for further information.

You will soon be offered a Publishing Agreement. Once the Publishing Agreement has been accepted you will be requested to upload a final version of your paper for typesetting and publication.

We look forward to receiving your final submission.


just thought i'd share this with u =)
-moonshin-

So, I waited - like a fool, I waited.

People can be really cruel at times.

I can take blows pretty well, I tell you.
Not my first and I’m sure that’s the case for you as well.
Most times I can just shrug it off with ‘This thing happens...’ or...
‘Just not my lucky day...’
I guess, it’s my way to protect myself from getting hurt...

But as I sat, waiting...outside the office...
Occasionally looking at my watch...counting...
30 minutes passed into 60...
60 soon turned to 90.
I sat there in the middle of other people’s lives – it felt as if mine, alone has stopped.
Even the huge office has nothing more for me to explore with my pair of eyes.

I felt their questioning gazes burned at the back of my head...
I just ignored them.
Then, a song was playing from one of the many cubicles there...
And I thought to myself, it has been long time since I’d last listened to a live-broadcast radio station...

He hurt my pride.
They hurt my pride.
I don’t have many...but they have hurt me that day.
The Me that was working so hard and so sincerely for what I believe to be true...
For what has been taught to me growing up...
For asking what is rightfully mine.
They made me wait.
He made me wait.

I focused my gaze onto my shoes.
Rather than looking like a pair that was just bought 2 months ago, it looked more like last years’ reject.
We’ve worked hard these couple of months, haven’t we?
You and I, we’re a great team aren’t we?

Thinking back on it now...
I was saying those words just in my head but I felt my throat burning just the same...
The song was definitely not helping...
I tried my best to hold it in...
I’d looked really lame if they found me crying here like an idiot, I said to myself.

A couple escaped my determination – I quickly wiped them clean...
Cursing and blaming the song as I did.
Why the hell am I getting emotional here, I thought to myself.

Couldn’t help it...
I felt like storming out of there...
I felt like shouting at the guy who caused all of this...
I felt like quitting...
But as ignorant as I am, I know I am at their mercy...
To lose my temper not only will cost me my future but it will also affect others around me...
The thought of home at that time, magnified to full scale that I felt I can’t hold it in much longer...

Feeling helpless...
It’s worst than what I have ever felt so far...

Suddenly, a student of mine turned up and greeted me from behind.
I took a deep breath, returned the greetings and smiled before she was gone out of the door.

My watch showed 15 minutes to 4 o’clock.
I’ve waited for 2 hours.
Rather than my heart, my rational mind took much more persuasion to keep me from walking away.
He told me to wait.
So I waited.

Then, suddenly he was walking towards me with the letter in his hand.
He apologized for keeping me waiting...
“Don’t worry about it and thanks a lot for this”
I gave him a warm smile and he smiled back.
Then I was gone.

I was hurt.

Cute ^^

Apul wrote this in FB when i wished him good luck for his job interview.

"terima kasih banyak-banyak..nanti klu dpt duit lebih dari keje ni,apul pergi zaaba bawak saf gi jalan-jalan guna sports car..ok?"

*"thank you so much...if i got a lot of extra money from this job, i'll go to zaaba (my college) and take you out in a sports car, ok?"

hahahhahahah...too cute~
i simply just gotta share this with the world ^^
kinda reminds me of promises that I used to hear when I was little...

Thanks, Apul.
you put a smile on my face today.

walking on dreams

The usual threesome was foursome today.
I have Lil Rayyan accompanied me to the bus station.
I kissed my Lil Guy and bid Mom goodbye before I hoisted my packs and started walking towards the all-so-familiar bus, waiting nearby.
Dad was close at my heels.
I have this principle not to let Dad carry my bags.

He was talking about this book written by Tun Mahathir.
He wants me to buy it for him and that he’ll pay me back.
The usual scenes should involve me with a wide grin plastered on my face at the talk of ‘reimbursement’.
I always charged mine, EXTRA. Hehe~

But this time around, something, somewhere has definitely changed.
Because the next thing I said was...
“Nah, you don’t have to pay me back. Because now, this daughter of yours is already a working young woman”.

With that, I kissed Dad’s hand, smiled, waved him goodbye and boarded the bus.
Am I cool or what? LOL

I sat on my seat – the 5th – then, placed my laptop next to mine...
The bus started moving...I closed my eyes and hit the ‘play’ button on my mp3.
I added a couple of new songs 2 days back but never really got the chance to listen to it properly.
Somehow...
even though I was really immersed in the songs that I was listening to...
But the pictures that came to my mind were not of those from MVs or movie OSTs...
It was some of mine.

I don’t need to open my eyes to ‘see’ my hometown.
I know every street and every corner...
I used to explore them – alone – riding my bicycle.

Today, I had my boots on.
The kind that Jaejoong would like to wear.
But that is not the reason why I bought them in the first place.
I bought them because I like them and I want to wear them.

If I tell you that the scenes where I said those words to my Dad and me walking in a pair of boots are one of my many dreams....
Will you laugh at me? Or are you, at the moment already laughing?

I guess, if you did, that’s just understandable.
I mean...who would say that to own a pair of boots is like having a dream comes true?
Just weirdoes. Just weirdoes....

I am one of those weirdoes.
I just, am.

To me, living is like waking up to unlimited possibilities of my dreams coming true.
The 24-year-old-me has witnessed some of it coming true enough times in the past, to always look forward to the future....
No matter how dark...how uncertain it looks like from where I am standing now.

The day Mom and Dad bought me my 1st laptop...
The day they gave me a platinum bracelet as a coming-of-age present...
My first ever love-letter...
To have the chance to meet my Idol...
To have my name printed on an article...
My first ever salary...
The day I took my parents shopping...
To be able to pay for my lil sis’s concert ticket...
To have a surprise birthday party...
To have a cute lil nephew...
Sis getting married...
etc.

These are all my dreams-came-trues.
I have 2 more to add to the list, I suppose.
And many more to add in the future.
One of my students promises me that he’ll dedicate a song – his own creation of a piano piece – to me soon.
I can’t wait - another thing to look forward to. =)

I arrived at approximately 10.00 am...
in the heart of the city of KL...
With my pair of boots on...
I was definitely walking on air....
Walking on dreams.

no i love u or u love me back

Between an idol and a fan.
The relationship is clear and simple...
But yet, true.

He sings and the fan enjoys his performance.
At times, when the magic starts working...
The fan will feel a part of the idol’s world...
A place of just hope and dreams.

There is no expectation.
No I love you or you love me back.
A relationship consists of just those magical moments.

Sometimes I think, I’m ‘hiding’ behind Jaejoong.
I might say, ‘Let love lead the way’...
but quite the opposite, I feel things are better the way they are.
Nobody feelings will get hurt.
I’m just a fan and that’s it.
But in reality, relationship is often unclear and complicated.
I hate that.

I just want to go to Jaejoong’s concert and enjoy myself.
That’s it.
About relationship other than this one?
Let’s wait it out a bit, okay?
At least until I am ready.

gift for my 24th

‎"I don't have any gift to give to u on this special day....
but i just want u to knw that I'm so proud of u...
always remember that..."

best birthday gift ever from a father to a daughter...

Dad, u've given me the ultimate gift long time ago...
my life.

so i should be the one thanking u.

funny how i could write something like this in my blog
considering how i was such a brat growing up.
i never thought i could be and feel this thankful towards my parents.

i guess as a kid, being ignorant has it perks...
but growing up, to be able to see things is much more important.


(first photo by patrick and second photo by trewheeler)

i see 'you'

i 'see' people without looking at their age, gnder,
race, nationlity, status n background -
just pure nudity of their personality.

i see 'you' -
no more, no less.

so i will not pretend to be someone else and
i will not judge...
just as you don't need to pretend
when u r with me. ^^

some things just never change...

i'm not good in dealing with changes...
i'll either put on a blind eye or avoid it altogether.

at this age, i know that i'm not suppose to act like this...
but yesterday, i discovered that some things will never change...
for example, family.

like always...
coming home for the holidays, my lil sis and I always cook some midnight snack.
munchies, for when we watched our long-awaited program on TV.
Last night...was spicy, tuna-sandwich with cheese and chocolate lava from secret recipe.
herm...'heavy' huh?
yep, i can totally see that when i get on the scale. LOL^^

Dad was reading the newspaper in the living room.
Mom was watching us cook (lil sis doing all the cooking actually...LOL).
She sat at the bottom of the stairs with me, munching away cheese which at first, she refused.
Mom always like that...she refuses then, suddenly, the cake you saved in the fridge, magically disappeared.

We talked and we joked around.
Dad, Mom, Lil Sis and me.
I've missed this scene...
I took advantage of the moment getting everybody to laugh by ridiculing lil sis.
sorry, na...hahhahah...LOL
I took them all down memory lane...
Laughing at the things which was once totally not funny.
We laughed at Mom and her usual 'craziness' which Dad always ended up as the victim.

We laughed openly like friends at a gathering.
We also look forward to the future - discussing lil sis departure for Japan next year.
That was good...a promise hung for more memories and stories to share and laugh about in the future.


i'm glad...
some things just never change.
so, i'm loving life even more. ^^

Love OST

When I was a little girl...
My OST for love goes like this...

“When I fall in love, it will be forever...”
“Or I’ll never fall in love”
“In a restless world like this is...love is ended before it begun”

But now...
This is my OST for love.

“Take my life. Take me for what I am”
“Coz I’ll never changed all my colours for you”
“Take my love. I’ll never asked for too much”
“Just all that you are and everything that you do”

Different?
Or is it the same?

Honestly,
I’m not sure about it myself either.
It’s just that...
The fact that the OST has changed...
Has made all the difference in my life.

Me with Jaejoong^^

Hahahaha...bored, obviously. ^^
I was supposed to do some work...
But Jaejoong's calendar on my desk attracted my attention so much.
Naturally, i just reached for my handphone and started taking pictures.
This one...... it's accidental. hahahahahha

text message...

Today while I was in class, I received a text message...
From one of my friends.
She is in campus for a visit.
My first instinct was to decline and I did.
But she texted me back saying the offer still stands if I ever have a change of heart.

Honestly...
I prefer staying in my room...listening to songs...or go to the convenient shop to buy some vanilla ice-cream to watch Korean drama with...
Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with the crowd...
They make me laugh so hard every time...my cheeks are red.

Then, there is this...well, ‘tendency’ of mine...
I am a chameleon.
I’ll be whatever character that is not yet taken.
If the crowd already have a jokester, then I’ll be the one that laughs at the joke the hardest.
If the new girl seems to be struggling and lonely, then I’ll be her kind and helpful new friend.
Since, my crowd is very loud...so I tend to be quite – the listener.
I don’t know what me.
So I always thought that I’m doing them a favour by staying away – I don’t want to bring the atmosphere down.

After the class has ended, I catch my usual bus ride.
I kept reading that text message.
Thoughts like...
Maybe she just asks me out of politeness...
Maybe they need more bodies to get the party going on...
Then again...
Why am I being so calculative?
There is a whole new world going on outside my own.
Mine will still be there even if I left it for a couple of hours, right?

Herm...^^

In the end, I texted her back saying that I’ll join in too.
And you know what?
I’m glad that I did.

words...unspoken - hurt.

I was reprimanded by my sister yesterday.
Obviously, I needed it.
I didn’t know that the situation got so bad when I left home.
Her words made me pick up the phone and called Mom,
To say... I’m sorry.

I noticed that...again...
Words have power.
Things wouldn’t have gone so bad if I could just say what is on my mind...
I’m sure then, Mom would have understand and listened.
Most of the time, we did this to ourselves
Expecting others to know our words without us, telling them.

Most of the time,
Words go, unspoken.
What’s left is the feeling of being wronged and alienated.

Now I know...and I think you know too...
That this is the truth.

Don’t just stop
With the words stuck in your throat...
Don’t stop without you even really try.
Say what is on your mind...

It’ll be okay...
those who really cared, will listen.

Sky, Me and 'Epitone Project'

herm...been a long time since i last uploaded picture of my favourite-sky.
so here's one ^^
i won't used words to describe how i feel today...
this pic will tell you how i feel...

am listening to 'epitone project' as i wrote this post...
fits the mood just right...
hope you guys will have a wonderful day ahead of you =)

lots of love,
moonshin.

I smiled.

I scored a cool shirt yesterday while I was out on my usual trips into town.
A little bit of ‘Me time’ to clear my head.
The front reads ‘Same shit, different day’...
On some days...you don’t know how much THAT echoed my mood...
Can’t wait to wear that to class.

I got flagged down by a couple of salesmen...
God... the things they’d say just to get you ‘hoodwinked’...
“You are 23? Really? You look 19 to me”
“Still single? I’m single too~”
“Are you mixed-blood?”
Of course, I’m not born yesterday...I got away with polite ‘No, thanks’.
Small part of me was sincerely sorry...
Rejection is never easy.

I bought a pair of new wedges.
The one I had in mind was actually something different.
I did try that one on but it didn’t look good on me...
The assistant recommended me to get the wedges instead.
He helped me put it on...
I don’t know why but I felt a little flutter in my heart just then.
Herm...heels and wedges.
Sexy and nice.
A bit hurt there...

As usual, I stopped by my favourite shop.
Everything is Japanese goods.
Last time, I bought an umbrella.
This time around, I bought ‘something’ as presents for my best friend.
(She reads my blog regularly – don’t want to ruin the surprise)

On my way back on the monorail...
I saw a guy traded places with his girl – he didn’t want her to sit next to another guy.
My thought was that is nice.
My trip to town is really precious to me.
I enjoy browsing through the shop’s windows...
Listening to mp3 as I go...
But...I won’t mind having someone beside me.
That is what I thought.
Actually, I still think that way.

But as I waited for his reply...the ‘Me’ that is now...
Is tired of it...tired to play the game...
Tired to have butterflies flying around in the stomach.
So I deleted his number.
Even though, he did reply.

As I sat by the window of the bus...
As it carried me back to my college...
With the cool wind on my face...songs of love pounded merrily in my ears...
As my heart sang along with a smile painted on my face...
I saw the bus driver smiled back at me...
Despite my decision...
I am happy.
That is all that matters.