something, somewhere.

(today, while waiting for the bus)

I thought I was being optimistic.
Whenever something bad happens, I never let it destroys me.
I always believe that somehow, everything will pull through…
Somehow, everything will work out for the better, and not the other way around.
Even when it didn’t, I always pat myself in the back for having a job well done…
“You’ve done well. Let’s work harder next time” I’d say to myself.
“It’s okay, don’t give up”.

Whenever something difficult popped out its head around the corner,
I always see the possibility of rising above it.
Even when I’m not prepared, I just used my guts to get through with it.
And at times like that, my name really feels like magic words…
Whisper it slowly so that only I could hear…
Restores the faith in me.

but not anymore.

What has happened to me?
Why am I here feeling like this?
Was being optimistic was actually a lie to protect myself from getting hurt?
Was I that weak of a person?

The “me” 7 years back, was not the same as who I am today.
Something, somewhere along the way I have changed.
This gradual change happened without me being aware of it.
It scares me.

Without realizing it, somewhere along the line…
I’ve stopped taking risks.
Somewhere along the line, I’ve stopped being honest with myself.
But knowing the price that I have to pay to protect myself…
By losing who I really am…
That is not something that I’m willing to do, ever.

I want my hand to stop shaking.
I want to feel the rush of adrenaline when the risk I took, paid off.
I missed it so much that my everyday life right now seems meaningless…
and that pains me so much...
i can't be "myself".