thinking me...

There are times when I think thinking will only make things worst...
Or rather, it will make me feel worse.
I’ll worry.
I’ll become anxious and unsure of myself.

Should I buy that dress? Isn’t it the same with the one I bought not too long ago?
But if I don’t buy it now, who knows when I’ll get a second chance and it might sold-out...
Is this really worth my money? It’s tearing apart at the seams...just look at it.
But I really like the design and it’ll be a good match with my jacket...
.................

Now, that I have finished my courses...
I spend most days at home...catch up on some reading...preparing for my big presentation day...
Counting the days...
For what you might ask?
I honestly, have no idea...but I have taken a liking to cross out the days on the calendar every day.

Most of my friends are working and the few that aren’t live in another state far away from my hometown.
It’s hard to make a phone call or even send a text to them without having the feeling like I’ll just be a bother...
It makes me feel really lonesome sometimes.
Like I’m living in another dimension different from my friends’...
I find it funny how a simple feeling...the notion of ‘I miss you’ can become so complicated and distorted after some thinking things through...

 “It’s been a while...and I kind of wish I could see and talk to you”
It’s as simple as that.

Waiting for a call that never came...
Waiting for that person to come to you...
Most of the time, we console ourselves or rather we ‘kill’ our feelings with lame excuses such as...
“She has her own life to think about...”
“He is busy at work...and I don’t really have anything particular to say to him...”
“We’ll have other chances”

We are thinking wrong.
I think we should respond to our feelings not by lying to ourselves but by thinking how best to make it possible to come true.
If he doesn’t call you, you should call him.
If it’s a bad time, explain how you are sorry and missed him.
Come on, grow up~ ‘I miss you’ is not ‘I love you’~
If she doesn’t text you back, call her up...send a message on FB or whatever.

 Haaaa....Even though our inner voices are of our own makings; never forget to keep it under constant observation for signs of when it starts to give not-so-clever opinions, okay?
Hahahahah...I’m taking this advice for myself too. ^^

My Professor and Me

This 'conversation' took place in FB.

ME:
thinking back on it now...looking at life as a whole...it feels like a long 'summer vacation' for me. lately, i've been gettin a feelin that it'll end soon...25 years...herm. guess i'm finally ready now - as all of matters of the heart, i'll know when its time. ^^

Professor:
For what, dear?

ME:

I don’t mean to sound patronizing but that’s a really good question. Herm...I guess it’s to start owning up to life? Be it when I’m learning in class, chatting with friends or family, going to new places and look at different things... I’ve always look at life as ‘collecting’ info to be put into different jars that make Me. I have a jar for who I am; a jar for ‘English’, a jar especially for ‘trees’, a jar for my little sister and each for Mom and Dad, a jar for ‘Chinese songs’, a jar for ‘jeans’, a jar for ‘dreams’, a jar of ‘regrets’ and a jar for ‘listening’. It took me 16 years to have enough in my jar of ‘Arts’ to be able to take the subject for SPM and aced it. Before then, my artwork had always been hideous and horrible. I had my jar of trees, jar of colours, and others to help me pull it through though.

So life at this point in time, to me, it feels like a very long summer vacation; where I am this girl with a ponytail, a pair of sneakers smeared with mud, a bag full of jars with holes holding a net with both hands...I don’t want to be seen as an arrogant fool by claiming that all of my jars are filled with life-butterflies. But still, I am confident to say that all of the jars that make Me, are full enough to give my being, sustenance. I am Me and I have no regrets following this path I’ve chosen. My summer vacation coming to an end is by all means not a waste of time, neither it is a symbol of regret or past-longing, it is just another gateway to life with a more fuller-Me and a more rigorous outlook in life and in action. I’ll continue collecting more jars and filling them and perhaps, will have more ‘summer vacation’ in my life than expected, but that’s just me. I have my own foundation now; I won’t be scared so easily anymore and nor will I feel empty.

P/S: I have a jar under your name too, Dr. I’ve been your students for almost 6 years now...the day you bought the whole class pizzas, working with you on the book about mobility program in Indonesia, when you got mad at me about making appointment (hehehe~), the day when you remembered my name, and the time when we hugged in front of the faculty office after sharing that sad news (I wanted to console you but it ended up, you consoling me), about your cat, how you’d prefer bread over rice during lunch, etc.

 P/S2: Love your new car by the way ^^ Gosh, you got my dream car... Take care, Dr. ^^

You think I over done it?.........i think so too. heheheheh ^^ but i like to explain myself, you see...so, there you are.

Lots of Luv,
Moonshin

herm... ^^

herm...for today, just a picture.

Mind you, I was hanging by the window to capture this.

Lucky didn't fall.

The words are from Craig David's 'World filled with Love'.

Felt like the mood at the time.

^^ LOL

Luv, Moonshin.

Meanings

Once, I told my lecturer about my plans for the semester holidays.

At the time, I was planning to work part-time at a bookstore, back in my hometown.

Starting from when I was 14, with the money I received as scholarship, I used to go there everyday to buy English novels.

Well, at first not really everyday....It took me weeks for me to finish my first novel.

It was one of Montgomery’s series of Anne’s Chronicles – ‘Anne of the Isle’.

I selected it with ease and without much fuss because it was like love at the first sight.

From the title to the cover page and to its story summary at the back, I couldn’t help thinking at the time, what kind of world and wonders were in stored in that book through the author’s eyes...
Now thinking back, the feeling was akin to when I first got hold of my international passport...


But my lecturer upon hearing my plans, gave me a half-smirk smile and half-disbelief tone hidden behind forced courtesy as though such plan was worthy of ridicule is beyond my understanding even to this day.
“Such work is beneath you”, she said. But why?
Her focus into achieving her goals in life is admirable.
However, the more I learn and the more I mingle with such group of people...
The more empty and lost I felt inside; I found such world to be too tiring to live in.
With less to look forward to...

They take pride in wearing branded goods, having status and being mentioned on the evening news, travel on first class ticket, having expensive cars and if possible, more ferociously about their past glories and how it’ll continue into the future.

A simpleton though I may be, even I know that future is unpredictable and it is only optimistic beyond foolishness to claim anything of what’s-to-come.

 At the age of 25, I still don’t own a car.

I just got my license.

So, I took the bus like all of my other students when I have lecture or work that needs to be done at the faculty. Well as a matter of fact, everywhere.
Naturally, I’ve been labelled as weird and people have looked at me in disbelief and more pathetically, in sympathety after having discovered the true fact.

Frankly speaking, it is a pain in the ass to have to take the bus to go anywhere.

However...it is all but in our minds isn’t it?
Once I have assured myself of what I can do and what I stand to receive from this world, other voice reduce to merely but white noises.
Like from an old radio – switching them off is enough to do the trick.
I learn how to manage my time better and after years, my skill of predicting the bus arrival is legendary among my fellow hostel mates.

Whenever I sit by the window while taking a bus ride...whenever I see a person by the side of the road looking less fortunate than I am...
I couldn’t help but to ask myself, ‘Why should I be here and you over there?’
'What allows for such differences?'

Looking at how things are...'branded goods'...they don't mean much, do they?
Well...at least not in the kind of world, I'd like to live in.

How about you? What kind of world would you like to live in?

The older I get the more I believe...to be kind is the most important thing of all.
Be kind, for empathy.
For yourself, for those who are important to you...to uphold your principles.
In the end, I'm the one who has to give the meaning to everything in my life.
Not anyone else.

Me and who i want to be~

All that i am and all that i can ever be, is simply a compromised version of my ideal self.
Heck, why not? 99-80% to perfection is good enough, won't u say? ^^
buhbye M~ hellloooo V~ and buhbyee too, to CU~ helloooo, MU~

There's no telling in 10 years' time, I'll be 'dumping' both M and V, and go for Porsche instead~ heheheheh...you gotta dream big, baby~

I'll work hard for MU. It's a good place too. I'd be honored to study at such a pretigious establishment.
There's no telling I won't go for a post-doc after that, too~ heheheheh...
What is that? Oh yes, it is Hope i'm feeling blooming in my chest.
I might be seeing you a little later than planned, CU, but i'll get there, someday. ^^

I'll be fine - both legs still there, you see. I have no excuse not to try.

There. I feel better now. ^^

Tata.
Lots of luv, Moonshin.

ps: they say i don't look anywhere near like a lecturer~ see if i care~ ^^ hehehe...fyi, I wear accordingly when i'm in class. So the children are safe. Rest assured~

When they fight, I....

At 8 years old, when Mom packed her bags in the dead of night, threatening to bring my siblings and me over to GrandMa’s....

I, at the time sitting beside Mom had once wished for it all to be over.

I really did want all the quarrels and unhappiness to stop...

I came to realize that the scene being played in front of me will be the beginning of many more to come in the future.

For whatever wisdom that I had as an 8 year old, I questioned the relevance of staying together if both only ended up hurting.

Flashes of possible future flooded before my mind’s eyes of how my life would be if they did end up going different ways.

You must think that I am a horrible child...

Maybe I am.

But they never did.

Even though I often seek an infinite stop to things which might or have hurt me in the past to protect myself, but from the bottom of my heart, I am glad that they are still together.

You see, my parents’ love for each other is what keeps my world in balance.

It seems that no matter whether I am 8 or 28, I need to know that my parents still love each other.

I need to have a family.

At 25 years of age, I finally am able to fully appreciate how lucky I am to have one.

Yesterday, they fought again.

While I tried to turn on a blind eye, I knew something was different.

It went from bad to horrible.

When they sent me off to the bus station without the usual smiles and warmth, I felt the ground beneath my feet began to crumble.

Even the sky was dull-empty grey.

When Dad’s texted me, I felt my heart broke.

Looking at how Mom reacted to the situation made me think that I should never get married.

If this is how I would become 30 years into marriage...I’d rather not marry at all.

Her harsh words made me think that love might not be as invincible and lasting as I thought it could

be.

Mom makes a part of me. I echo her in every decision and action that I have made...naturally, including those that I will make as well.

But I want to believe that in relationship, there exist, love and respect for one another.

I don’t want sadness and pain be the only colours that are left on my palette during the final stage of my marriage.

I don’t want to believe that love wanes as you get older.

Many would say that arguments and quarrels are normal even in a healthy relationship.But how about the pain and sad memories?

They were and are very real to me....

Mom called later during the day to tell me that everything is okay now, between them.

Again, I had that 8-year-old-voice in me saying how it’ll happen again and I’ll end up hurting.

I might have given up on the idea of marriage but I just couldn’t give up on Mom’s and Dad’s.

I was so relieved by the news that tears were really cheap for me today.

Even later, after dinner with friends at The Mines...

As if from a distance, while I could hear laughter coming out of my mouth from watching Alex and Skipper in Madagascar 3...It was somewhat sad all at the same time.

It had me thinking, maybe...we live is to understand love.

Osaka ^^

My proposal has been accepted for Oral Presentation at ACE 2012. The Conference will be held in Osaka, Japan, at the Ramada Osaka Hotel.
I guess I'm going to Osaka comes October. ^^
I'm really excited!