I will protect you

Ito Yuna’s song, “Mamotte Agetaii”...

“Just like the moon isn't full yet, just like the weather after the rain draws a rainbow in the sky

Even sadness will eventually become a sparkling star someday

A wish embracing shining star”

It means, ‘I will protect you’.

I don’t have anybody that protects me.

But I can protect.

Outside families and friends, I don’t have anybody that loves me.

But I can love.

Don’t stop doing just because you are not one of the people at the receiving end.

There is special kind of happiness waiting for those who are doing the protecting, loving and caring....

I understand it now.

I am Me ^^

I’ve been told recently that my writing style is 'childish' - 'very adolescent-like'.
.....
I am 25 years old.
I am a fellow at an established state university.
I’m in my final stage of completing my Master at a research university where I’ve also lectured undergrads as well as teach English subject to the gifted students in the national gifted program.
I’ve published some academic papers and have received an international Graduate Award last July.
Currently, I’m tightening some loose ends to my undergrad thesis.
I am lucky to find a publishing house that is willing to help me with its publication – free of charged.
.......
So at first when I heard such comment being said behind my back, I felt so sad that I cried.
I’ve work hard knowing my weaknesses and never have I ever paraded any of this so-called-achievement...
I never see them as that myself, so why would I....

I am a teacher who teaches writing and for someone to say that I shouldn’t....
I, myself don’t want to put anybody in any disadvantage because of me.
But yet, this had happened and I must say I just couldn’t understand it.

Must I use difficult words to get my message across?
Must I use strong sentences when I know that a fact, in actuality is a fragile thing?

I believe that we should be humble in our pursuit for the truth.
The more we learn, the more we realize we don’t know.
I am not in a race for anything.
I am happy just to discover and to appreciate what God has made for us.
So I use whatever means that I have to the best of my ability to share whatever inspirations that have and will come my way.

I am still learning.
I see no end in Me. Do you see an end in You?
Please give me that chance and then, give the same to yourself.

I won’t be mad at my friend even if her intention was to hurt me.
I won’t be mad because I believe that rather than making a point, ‘adapting to the situation’ and ‘make the best of it’ is more important, challenging and what’s more....

I know a lost case when I see one.
“Brave is not the opposite of fear, rather the judgment something else is more important than fear...”

I have to acknowledge the fact that I ‘stumble’ pretty easily...this time, by mere words...
But...
I've discovered as well, that I ‘got up' again, pretty fast....well done, Me.

I'm Sorry.

Whenever you find yourself caught in an argument or misunderstanding...
Try to be empathetical towards that other person.
It is not, so that you can understand him or her better...
It is for you to see that each and every one of us is different.

I tend to forget that a lot and often times, I forced what I believe onto others...
“I thought she’d understand...”
“I thought we had a connection...”
“He should have...”
“She should have...”
“I thought I could trust him...”
That’s what happened when we think we are alike, when we are not.

And that happened to me too.
I think I owe an important person, an apology.

I don’t want to sweep the ‘messes’ under the rug...
I understand too well the universal rule of ‘we forgive, forget and we move on’...
But I don’t want to be forgiven for the things that you thought what I thought was the problem.
Get it? Or do you even know?
Will the ‘avoiding awkward moments’ be worth it in the future?

There are things that should be said rather than left unsaid...
Especially among families and best friends.

I know that it is better said than done.
But how many times are we going to use the same excuse throughout our lives?
I mean, life is short...
So, I want to start now...I want to make a promise to myself...
That whenever I can,
I want to try and explain myself as well as try to understand the other person.

I want to say that I am angry when I am angry.
I want to say that I am feeling sad when I am.

I realized it now...
That we are not often granted chances to say how we really feel...
Let it not be wasted anymore, than it was.

This thing about Daisy - part 2

Mom phoned earlier.
She told me that they only had one-stop on the way back home after the graduation ceremony...
Lil Sis didn't want a bouquet....she wanted food. (ahh, shoulda known~)
So, they went to eat something good instead...lots, lots of it.
Well, I was speechless for a good 2 seconds and then I snapped out of it.
Hahahaha...that's my family alright~ ^^


Just to show you, this was mine 2 years back...bouquet of daisies ^^

This thing about Daisy - part 1

I have a thing for white daisies.
They are my favourite flower.
Other flowers suffocate me somehow...
Feels fake...or at times, too overwhelming like a red rose...

I was being very blunt about it when I told everyone in my family that I wanted a bouquet of daisies on my graduation day.
I don’t mind the teddy bears...Pooh or whatever.
I just wished for some daisies....

Well...at first, I was told that ‘it just slipped from mind’ and that they have forgotten about it.
I felt like not going and I even cried about it to my roommate...
I kept on stalling when my family said it’s time to go...

Although in the end I did get my bouquet from my Sister...
I was sincerely happy for it...
But it would have been better to say that ‘you remember but didn’t have the time to go and buy’....

Honestly, for me...
that would have been so much better than
‘didn’t matter’ and ‘forgotten’.
...Would have hurt less.

My lil Sis will soon have her graduation this coming Friday.
Mom called me earlier during the day suggesting that I ‘sponsor’ the bouquet.
For a split second, I was brought back to that day...

Although it was different from what I imagined it to be...
Although I was robbed off the joy of having my dreamed bouquet...

Though bittersweet the memory may be...
Thinking back on it now, I am forever thankful that I didn’t sulk throughout the whole day...

When my family dropped me off at college after the ceremony...
I remembered feeling happy and a little bit...
Just a little bit...I remembered feeling proud of myself.


“Yeah, no problem Mom. Sure”

Lil Sis, I hope yours will be no less meaningful and memorable.

LOVE

(pic from: http://jootix.com/view/1778/i-love-you-i-love-you-love-heart-paper-1680x1050.html)

Not being able to find love shouldn’t be the reason not to love.
Love can manifest in many things and bring joy to many people.

That is how I felt when my Sister’s lil boy, Ryan leaped into his father’s arms, coming home from work...
Every move he makes...every new little thing he does...
Brings about waves of change in my Sister’s life...
Brings much joy...
That unknowingly that waves, brings ripples to my shore too.

I saw changes in my Sister that I never thought possible.
She gives way to Ryan’s happiness in her own way...
Makes me think of how my Mom and Dad have always give ways for mine...

It is almost embarrassing to go back to those days where I was a child with a sensitive heart but without a mind...
Now that I am able to at least try and reason with my heart...
I feel bit by bit, the veil is being pulled back for me each day.

To have a place to go home to...
To respect elders and to help those in need...
To believe in dreams despite living in one that is without...
To have a strong shield to keep loneliness and hardship at bay...

For tucking me in to sleep at night...
For making me my favourite food when I am home...
For worrying over my little cough heard over the phone...
For listening to my boring stories and lame complaints...

For believing in me...
For giving birth to me.

I think, for someone like me...it is hard to find others who would love me so unconditionally outside of family....

I have to stop being so selfish all the time.
I have to stop viewing the world as revolving around just, me.

That is how I see it every time I look at Lil Ryan.
He loves Sis and Brother Sue unconditionally...
It’s almost goes without thinking...
So natural...
But there I was...thinking things over...
I felt warmth in my heart but at the same time, I felt embarrass with myself – the Grown-up.

Along the way...growing up...I think I have somewhat changed.
My love increases and decreases over presents and disagreement...
That’s....disgusting.

We demand so much from our parents but in return...
Is our ordinary life is all we could offer?
Seems too little...

Do we received and forget?
Do I....?

Every time I go out of my way to do something for someone...
I want to think of it as out of love...
Empathy and sympathy is based on love, is it not?

Yesterday, I have never given it much thought...
I didn’t consider putting a value behind ‘Love’ because I thought it was a given...

I was wrong and I was stupid for thinking so.

I feel.

I celebrated my 25th birthday only last Friday.
I usually make a big deal out of it...
But this time around, I let it passed away like any other ordinary day.
Seemingly meaningless but unconsciously significant...

Now that phrase doesn’t mean much, does it?

I was introduced as co-lecturer in class...
The ‘Ohhh~’ made me feel like betraying their trust more than anything.
I kept thinking in my head how I feel more like a student than a teacher.
I kept thinking how at degree level if you are not in it for the long run, then whatever I teach would just complicate things...
I wanted to do so much but I ended up thinking it would all be for nothing.

I have a lot of questions.
Even as a student...be it now, as a student still/ teacher/ lecturer/ researcher (whatever I am).
I cannot promise anything except that I’ll try my best.
Whatever I impart in class will be my take on life... my take of the knowledge that I have gained from my teachers.
I cannot promise that it will not be tainted by my belief, biasness and prejudices...
But I will try to do right by my students this coming Friday and Thursday.

It has been bugging me since that Friday...
How scared I was to be in that class...
To receive the news that I’ll be teaching undergrads.
Scared but at the same time bewildered by the reason why.
I chose to be in this path and no joy rivals those of teaching.
I know that...
But somehow those feelings were there.

Funny how my heart scared so easily despite what I’ve been through...
I kept comparing myself with the other teachers that I’ve known...
How different I feel we are...

But then again, what’s wrong with being different?
Some people label the others so easily and here I am, doing the same thing to myself.
I should cut myself some slack sometimes...
If not, who else would?

It is a wonderment how coming to a consensus like this with yourself clears things up so easily...

“No one can make you feel inferior but yourself”.
I should always remember this....