I'm Sorry.

Whenever you find yourself caught in an argument or misunderstanding...
Try to be empathetical towards that other person.
It is not, so that you can understand him or her better...
It is for you to see that each and every one of us is different.

I tend to forget that a lot and often times, I forced what I believe onto others...
“I thought she’d understand...”
“I thought we had a connection...”
“He should have...”
“She should have...”
“I thought I could trust him...”
That’s what happened when we think we are alike, when we are not.

And that happened to me too.
I think I owe an important person, an apology.

I don’t want to sweep the ‘messes’ under the rug...
I understand too well the universal rule of ‘we forgive, forget and we move on’...
But I don’t want to be forgiven for the things that you thought what I thought was the problem.
Get it? Or do you even know?
Will the ‘avoiding awkward moments’ be worth it in the future?

There are things that should be said rather than left unsaid...
Especially among families and best friends.

I know that it is better said than done.
But how many times are we going to use the same excuse throughout our lives?
I mean, life is short...
So, I want to start now...I want to make a promise to myself...
That whenever I can,
I want to try and explain myself as well as try to understand the other person.

I want to say that I am angry when I am angry.
I want to say that I am feeling sad when I am.

I realized it now...
That we are not often granted chances to say how we really feel...
Let it not be wasted anymore, than it was.

This thing about Daisy - part 2

Mom phoned earlier.
She told me that they only had one-stop on the way back home after the graduation ceremony...
Lil Sis didn't want a bouquet....she wanted food. (ahh, shoulda known~)
So, they went to eat something good instead...lots, lots of it.
Well, I was speechless for a good 2 seconds and then I snapped out of it.
Hahahaha...that's my family alright~ ^^


Just to show you, this was mine 2 years back...bouquet of daisies ^^

This thing about Daisy - part 1

I have a thing for white daisies.
They are my favourite flower.
Other flowers suffocate me somehow...
Feels fake...or at times, too overwhelming like a red rose...

I was being very blunt about it when I told everyone in my family that I wanted a bouquet of daisies on my graduation day.
I don’t mind the teddy bears...Pooh or whatever.
I just wished for some daisies....

Well...at first, I was told that ‘it just slipped from mind’ and that they have forgotten about it.
I felt like not going and I even cried about it to my roommate...
I kept on stalling when my family said it’s time to go...

Although in the end I did get my bouquet from my Sister...
I was sincerely happy for it...
But it would have been better to say that ‘you remember but didn’t have the time to go and buy’....

Honestly, for me...
that would have been so much better than
‘didn’t matter’ and ‘forgotten’.
...Would have hurt less.

My lil Sis will soon have her graduation this coming Friday.
Mom called me earlier during the day suggesting that I ‘sponsor’ the bouquet.
For a split second, I was brought back to that day...

Although it was different from what I imagined it to be...
Although I was robbed off the joy of having my dreamed bouquet...

Though bittersweet the memory may be...
Thinking back on it now, I am forever thankful that I didn’t sulk throughout the whole day...

When my family dropped me off at college after the ceremony...
I remembered feeling happy and a little bit...
Just a little bit...I remembered feeling proud of myself.


“Yeah, no problem Mom. Sure”

Lil Sis, I hope yours will be no less meaningful and memorable.

LOVE

(pic from: http://jootix.com/view/1778/i-love-you-i-love-you-love-heart-paper-1680x1050.html)

Not being able to find love shouldn’t be the reason not to love.
Love can manifest in many things and bring joy to many people.

That is how I felt when my Sister’s lil boy, Ryan leaped into his father’s arms, coming home from work...
Every move he makes...every new little thing he does...
Brings about waves of change in my Sister’s life...
Brings much joy...
That unknowingly that waves, brings ripples to my shore too.

I saw changes in my Sister that I never thought possible.
She gives way to Ryan’s happiness in her own way...
Makes me think of how my Mom and Dad have always give ways for mine...

It is almost embarrassing to go back to those days where I was a child with a sensitive heart but without a mind...
Now that I am able to at least try and reason with my heart...
I feel bit by bit, the veil is being pulled back for me each day.

To have a place to go home to...
To respect elders and to help those in need...
To believe in dreams despite living in one that is without...
To have a strong shield to keep loneliness and hardship at bay...

For tucking me in to sleep at night...
For making me my favourite food when I am home...
For worrying over my little cough heard over the phone...
For listening to my boring stories and lame complaints...

For believing in me...
For giving birth to me.

I think, for someone like me...it is hard to find others who would love me so unconditionally outside of family....

I have to stop being so selfish all the time.
I have to stop viewing the world as revolving around just, me.

That is how I see it every time I look at Lil Ryan.
He loves Sis and Brother Sue unconditionally...
It’s almost goes without thinking...
So natural...
But there I was...thinking things over...
I felt warmth in my heart but at the same time, I felt embarrass with myself – the Grown-up.

Along the way...growing up...I think I have somewhat changed.
My love increases and decreases over presents and disagreement...
That’s....disgusting.

We demand so much from our parents but in return...
Is our ordinary life is all we could offer?
Seems too little...

Do we received and forget?
Do I....?

Every time I go out of my way to do something for someone...
I want to think of it as out of love...
Empathy and sympathy is based on love, is it not?

Yesterday, I have never given it much thought...
I didn’t consider putting a value behind ‘Love’ because I thought it was a given...

I was wrong and I was stupid for thinking so.

I feel.

I celebrated my 25th birthday only last Friday.
I usually make a big deal out of it...
But this time around, I let it passed away like any other ordinary day.
Seemingly meaningless but unconsciously significant...

Now that phrase doesn’t mean much, does it?

I was introduced as co-lecturer in class...
The ‘Ohhh~’ made me feel like betraying their trust more than anything.
I kept thinking in my head how I feel more like a student than a teacher.
I kept thinking how at degree level if you are not in it for the long run, then whatever I teach would just complicate things...
I wanted to do so much but I ended up thinking it would all be for nothing.

I have a lot of questions.
Even as a student...be it now, as a student still/ teacher/ lecturer/ researcher (whatever I am).
I cannot promise anything except that I’ll try my best.
Whatever I impart in class will be my take on life... my take of the knowledge that I have gained from my teachers.
I cannot promise that it will not be tainted by my belief, biasness and prejudices...
But I will try to do right by my students this coming Friday and Thursday.

It has been bugging me since that Friday...
How scared I was to be in that class...
To receive the news that I’ll be teaching undergrads.
Scared but at the same time bewildered by the reason why.
I chose to be in this path and no joy rivals those of teaching.
I know that...
But somehow those feelings were there.

Funny how my heart scared so easily despite what I’ve been through...
I kept comparing myself with the other teachers that I’ve known...
How different I feel we are...

But then again, what’s wrong with being different?
Some people label the others so easily and here I am, doing the same thing to myself.
I should cut myself some slack sometimes...
If not, who else would?

It is a wonderment how coming to a consensus like this with yourself clears things up so easily...

“No one can make you feel inferior but yourself”.
I should always remember this....

like namie...

Been listening to Namie's Love Story pretty often these past couple of days...

"Life's no love story.." it says...
Yeah, no arguments there.

Demo, itsuka...namie no you ni, sono 'love storii' no you ni, naritaii.

ordinary Me

I was at gunpoint and then I woke up.
It took me seconds to realize that it wasn’t real...
I blinked and my throat felt dry and painful.
It’s 10 in the morning...Well, perhaps I should say afternoon.

Been having dreams everyday now...
Feels like my brain is trying to work out things to do on its own...
Feels like its bored...
Because I can’t...I don’t feel like doing anything...
I’m always wasted when it’s the holidays...
The feeling of lost more pronounce somehow...

I grabbed my towel and headed for the shower...then I realized everything is in downstairs toilet.
I went downstairs only to go back again thinking I prefer the one upstairs.
5 min came and gone...

30 min later, I rocked the mp3 playing SISTAR’s ‘Ma boy’...
With my dark mass of a laundry under one arm.
I chucked everything in a basin and started washing them.
It’s my principle to wash above 50 clothes by hand.

I know where the stains were or where to scrub more rigorously than anybody or machine can manage...
So, hence the Me sitting by myself next to the water tap, playing with soap and water.

I really like the smell...
The smell of something clean...I hate man-made-smell, like perfume...
Suffocates me...can only stands them for few seconds.

Mom and Dad were in the kitchen.
I could hear their ‘usual routine’.
But my defences are too advanced that whatever I don’t want to hear becomes white-noises as soon as it enters the brain...
So I’m un-hurt most of the time now...
It wasn’t so in the past...since I know what I hear and remembers them.

The one-piece that I was washing was the one I wore on a Sunday-out last weekend.
It was a lot of fun...Although I listened more than I speak...
It made me realize of things I never knew before...
...made me grateful.

Hahahaha...old habits die hard~
Yat and I are definitely Shop-Soulmates.
We walked-in every shop that interests us and we grabbed them fast if we like them~ LOL
Yat still has a thing for bags...
Me?
I have a thing for EVERYTHING~ LOL

Be it in the past, as poor students or in the present, as young woman with jobs...
Some things just never change...

I hung my clothes to dry under the sun.
I considered myself lucky since the weather has been dreadful for days now...
It affects even me...with a sore-throat and slight fever.

Glanced over the kitchen window...yep, still positive for white-noise.
Haizzzz...I’ll take care of it later.
Well, my little sister is coming home tomorrow and we’re going shopping for things she’ll need for Japan...
Abib and I have plans to go and visit her comes winter this year in Japan...
Of course, after I have started my work in the university...after my graduation...
Which hopefully I’ve settled my PhD application by then....

The sun is sure blinding...like the future...
Honestly, it feels good inside...
The ordinary-Me with an ordinary life...

Just last Thursday, the students I helped in KLIUC...
A one-time gig to help Abib with her students’ interview sessions for a course they had to take...
By the end of the session, they said they like me. They had fun, they said.
I was only there for like 4 hours...
Thanks Abib, for inviting me ^^

Herm..... ^^

Laundry – Done.
Time for some Nata de Cocoa~ Buhbyee..