not-so-perfect world

when you see a little girl sitting by the side of the road - crying
and all the while clutching her bruised arm...
in a perfect world,
you would say, "Oh, she must have fallen from her bike...".

in a not-so-perfect world,
we would usually say a whole different things altogether.
a lot of possible explanations pop into our heads...
for example, something that associates with the word "abuse", "mistreated", etc.

in a perfect world,
one would usually feel happy receiving 4-flat and even a chance to further study into Master level...
like i said, "in a perfect world".
if in a drama, the gal just pack her bag and boom! graduate with flying colors.

in a not-so-perfect world,
there are a lot of loops to jump through...
and the biggest pain being the Vitamin M...
MONEY. Hahahahaha....
Let's just say its settled (thanks to Mom and Dad),
comes in new problems - popping up like mold on a Gardenia bread.
Haahahaha...it's funny.

I'm waiting for the college office to open after lunch,
so that i could beg them to let me stay next semester.
great...

i really don't care actually.
whatever. i'll think of something.

The not-so-perfect life crap is over-rated, if you asked me.
it's just life.

so, i WILL finish my Master,
no matter what.

long vacation

Herm...she looks like a nice lady...
i think i'll be fine studying under her..

just met my supervisor a couple of minutes ago.
July seems so much nearer when looking at it
from this half-part of the year.
one more month, one more new chapter in life.

feels as though the one month of hell i suffered...
like an illusion...
gone like a wisp of smoke in a magician's cheap show in Vegas.

I drowned in a chamber of self-loathing...
anger, disappointment, ...
my sense of pitiful-insecurity and shamed...
have been shadowing me all this time,
finally came crashing down, in ways i couldn't comprehend...
sending big tsunamis and hurricane...
washing and scraping my little heart, bare and raw.

for a while there, i lost my sense of self.
i'm nothing but a vessel with no soul.
a heart but with no words.
like a robot without the batteries..
lifeless, and limp.
Defeated.

nothing went in or out of me.
almost like the other half of me had died...

today i laugh with everyone else.
like i said before, it's hard not to,
when you're with your friends.

but as i received a news from home today...
i don't know...it's as if the 'switch' is suddenly turned off.

am i cured?
am i pretending that's everything is pretty on the outside,
when the color of my blouse - black - is how i really feel inside?

do i want people to know that i am not happy?
do i want them to understand?
what can they do even if they knew?
doesn't change anything.

i'm still trying to figure myself out.
but as for now, i just do what and live out how i feel inside.
if i got no appetide, then fine, starve.
if i feel like bitching, then fine, be horrible.
if i feel like being dead, then fine, be dead.
stop being.

i'm on a 'long vacation' away from life.
away from 'me'.

one less lonely girl...

right now, at this moment...
while i'm writing away on this post...
using a borrowed notebook i got from the faculty...
my head and shoulder is moving according to the beat of
"one less lonely girl" from justin bieber.

never a fan of his...but this... one song is exceptional.
suits the mood... my mood just right.

just a couple of hours ago, i never thought i will ever again...
but i did.
yes, i'm sure...
there's one less lonely girl in this world.

moonshin.

Moonshin's note

Hi, all.

i feel like i've been writing about the same thing over and over again. Haha! Please accept my apology, because i'm still in that 'vitamin C's-graduation' kind of mood, if ya know what i mean. Huhu...But i'll settle down soon. i think so...hopefully....
Haaaaa~

Lots of luv,
Moonshin.

as i plucked down the last star....

Even as I hugged each one of my friends goodbye…
Even as we cried together that fateful night…
Somewhere, deep in my heart…
I was hopeful, in denial – believed whole-heartedly that it was not forever.
We might occasionally bump into each other.
Meet up at weddings, bearing presents and exchange stories.
There’s also the convocation to look forward to…
And of course, the reunions.
But things will never be the same again. I know.
And that pains me.

No more midnight outings for ice-creams…
No more gossips over lunch together…
No more trips to malls to check out new arrivals…
No more drooling over Korean idols in the evenings…

I wouldn’t be able to give opinions on your new clothes…
I wouldn’t be able to buy you ice-creams when you’re sad…
I wouldn’t be able to give you a pat on the back when you deserved it…
I wouldn’t be able to ‘laugh openly’ at your jokes…
Since my SMS couldn’t deliver my voice to you...
cause I am here whereas,
You are there.

As i plucked down the last star from the ceiling,
on my last night at campus as an undergrad...
it finally dawned on me...
the overwhelming feeling of something coming to an end.

As i plucked down the last star from the ceiling,
i also made a wish that the end also marked a new beginning...
new chapter in life...
and of course, another day to spend, playing under the sun
with all of you, my friends.

Anchor

Do you have an ‘anchor’ in the ‘outside world’?
Well, I have… but only a few.
They scatter around my perimeter,
creating safe zones – places, I can call my own.
And in times, anchoring me from unpredictable waves of reality.

And Dr. J is one of that anchors…
She has been one, ever since the first day I stepped into the lecture hall.
I remember writing her a note on that day…
Insisting to be included in her tutorial.
For her birthday last month, I put together a little ‘something’ in front of her room…
There were colorful balloons with ribbons…
A banner with ‘Happy Birthday Dr. J’ written on them…
And a card with my wishes and lyric of a song that I dedicated to her.
But I didn’t put my name on it though…
I just wanted others to know…
So that she could receive lots of wishes and love on her special day.
Anyway, she phoned me the next day saying…
“I know it’s you. You’ve made my day…”
I met her today at work.
She kissed my cheeks twice before we said goodbye…
To me, she’s my only teacher.

I have a single-track mind, you see.
I focus on my study and I do my own things, my way.
Believe me when I say…
it’s hard to be so, without a friend around to be your anchor.
Yat is my anchor among the many familiar faces of friends.
If you are reading this, Yat, please don’t go repeating this in front of my face.
I’d die of embarrassment. Hahahahaaa!
She’s the one I’d call to share my days’ stories…
She’s the one I’d call when I’m hungry and needed food… ;)
She’s the one I’d call when I’m happy or sad…
She’s the one I’d call when I want to go shopping…
She’s the one I’m most comfortable with…
No pretence. No lies.
She’s my anchor without a doubt.

Syud, my old roommate came to my room today.
Yes, she’s also another one of my anchor.
We’ve shared so much memories together of life in college.
I still remember creeping around in the dead silent night…
We fried some instant ‘prawn cekodoks’ using her multi-purpose cooker,
at 12 midnight…laughing, chatting, gossiping and sharing secrets…
We spent so many nights, just lying awake, talking to each other…
She’s the only friend who has ever had a sleepover at my house.
She will forever be, one of my anchors.

Do you have friends that no matter what they do, you just can’t bring
yourself to hate or to be mad at them?
I have many of those and one of them is also another anchor of mine.
Syamim has been around ever since my high school days.
We’ve gone our separate ways but we still keep track of each other.
It’s weird how every time I hang out with her, it’s like…
We’ve never been apart at all…
It’s like being back in high school days all over again.
She is the anchor that connects the past and the present ‘me’.

You know, writing this down has made me realized that,
to be and to feel accepted is important.
I am who I am and I can be who I want to be because I have
my anchors around for support when my family is out of reached.
I have also realized that to ‘classify’ a person as my anchor…
Doesn’t need so much of a ‘qualification’ than a reaching hand for me
to hold and be friends.

So, to all of my friends,
thank you for being a part of this world.
With you guys in it, everything is so much fun, colorful and full of joy.
I hope we’ll stay friends forever.
Let us not be strangers the next time we meet again.
Bye for now.

Lots of Luv, Moonshin.

with the moon

It has been very hot lately.
The usual loitering around the room has become considerably unbearable
because of the heat.
Afternoon nap…
will have you drenched in sweat in minutes.
So, I’ve been doing my work late into the night in anticipation of cooler surroundings.
Somehow, my brain disengaged when it’s hot.
As if…
it hibernated when the environment becomes too hostile.
I just dozed off – unknowingly.

I start my work around midnight.
Checking and sending emails. Organize and update the files. Search for new info.
Whatever it is that my boss has instructed me to do.
Without realizing it…
My ‘day’ has become my ‘night’….
And the moon is in the place of the sun.
The moon is my sun…
at the moment.

I enjoy working while listening to songs.
Last night, I listened to only Spitz.
Occasionally, glancing at the open-window…
The moon seemed closer with the passing time…
I know it’ll soon disappear behind those hills in the background…
It’ll be invisible in the presence of the sun.

But that’s okay cause I know it’s there – just hidden.
I might be out here alone but I have my family.
They are like the moon – always there.
So, I’ll walk on tomorrow, always with the moon.