afternoon musing

26/8, 5.15pm

I’m happy but at the same time, I’m scared.
I’m scared if I feel too happy, it’ll jinx all the good things away.
I seldom get what I want...
Even when I really want it, I don’t hope...
Hope will make things worse if it is not granted.

But today...
Today is so surreal that I spent hours, enveloped in my blanket...
Thinking that perhaps it is not real.
Just like every other times, when it is all just in my head.

I’m happy but I’m scared.
I received a message from her via FB couple of days ago.
I was really, really happy but I’m scared if I messed things up again.

Then...

At last I sent that sms.
Now, i know and understand why I feel the way i do.
I think I like him. Maybe.

After that...

I got a call telling that everything is being processed smoothly.
Looks like i’m really a lecturer now.
Still find it hard to believe it.

Later...

Dad wants to take me out scouting for my first car.
The only one I like is Honda CRZ hybrid.
Won’t take anything else but ‘him’.
His my ideal ‘companion’ when i start my new life next year.
Heheheheh....;)

A friend I met on the job interview, messaged me.
We chatted for a while.
Now, I don’t feel at all terrible going to a new place next year.
I’ll have my friend with me.

I’m writing my thesis in my room, overlooking a window...
I could hear clutters outside my room...
My Mom and Dad preparing to break fast.
Actually, I’ve stopped for now...
I’m sms-ing with him whose on the way back from work.

I’m happy. I’m grateful.
I’m scared before... thinking that I am not being grateful enough.
But after I’ve written this down, I feel it in my heart...
Yes, I am grateful.

(^ ^)/ fighting!

^^ good news

it is official...just received the letter today.
i'll start teaching after graduation next year at a university.
it's by the sea...so i kinda like it there.

i feel happy?
i feel relief?
mix of both, i guess.
I know it's hard to find work nowadays.
i am grateful. ^^

this is something that happens to me.
i hope everybody has sumthing good, sumthing happen, somewhere.
God bless ^^

one second

When the white curtains danced gently with the morning wind...
Within 5 short meaningless seconds you’d used to get through a door...
Which seconds do you think manage to capture the scene’s brilliance?

I think it was the third second when the sun hit the glass screen amidst the curtains halo...

Looking at a clutter on a desk...
a camera...couple of pencil studs – 6Bs...Sketch book...worn out eraser...and a London bus keychain.
Usual rubbish you’d find at any dreamer’s working place.
These common objects... in these moments...if wasted on a couple of snapshots...
Which do you think makes the best shot?

I think it was when the mind’s eyes see the person crouching low over the desk drawing an imaginary world, occasionally looking at the keychain...
A precious memento...
Makes the best shot of them all.
Just a split second as the thought passes through...before you captured it.

At times like these...sometimes I feel like I can stop time...
Or perhaps, is it just my processing ability a bit slow?
That I can see every second clearly?
The more accurate description I think...it is like I’m swimming in time.
Herm...I just made it worst with that. LOL.


Aside from this...this appreciation moments to see what there is and what they could be...
there are also seconds where I could make change...
seconds where I could avoid a person from getting hurt...
seconds where I could help remedy a sad heart...
seconds where I could make things better...
but most times too, I find myself unable to do so.

That sucks a lot of the time - it's frustrating.
I wish I could do something...
I always tell myself - stop being the observer...
it's hard...

but I'll never stop trying.
I want to understand...
I want to see things for what it is and what it could be...
I want to know a friend for what she is and what she could be...
I want to see the world for what it is and what it can offer.

never stop trying.
I'll live on every seconds I have.

Flight to Mauritius

The flight to Mauritius took about 10 hours...
which I happily spent gulping down a pill and slept it off.
Now I know, me and airplanes don't go together well. LOL.

But before I was off to dream land, I managed to snap this picture.
To me, the view was simply amazing....

Back at home, yeah, I was always watching the sky...
but here, oh man, i got to see a new face of the sky...
and it was so beautiful...

Sad and happy boxes

People like to store their emotions in spaces around them.
When they are happy, they look up.
When they are sad, they look down.
These little actions occur unknowingly...
Sometimes unconsciously, to lessen the pain that they are carrying when they are hurt.
To appreciate the feeling of joy when they are happy.

Two very different things...
Two almost the same.

When we look down, it becomes difficult to walk...
A little bump on the road can make you trip...
A little carelessness could get you into trouble.

When you look down, you are avoiding.
You are not facing it.

So, I am telling you.
Next time when something bad happens...
If looking up is too much...
Don’t look down, look forward instead.

If you still have your goal... if you still have your dreams...
If you are still breathing...
Then, look forward – move on.
Living in itself, is trying.

The saying that time will heal everything is a lie.
But with time, the hurt will fade a little.
Just a little...it wouldn’t hurt as much.

That’s the funny thing with the human brain, they remember unimportant details...
Yes, with time.... that is what they will become.

Don’t just hope for a better day.
We both know it won’t work that way.
Go, mope for a day if you have to.
Cry a bucket if you want to.
Eat a tub of ice-cream that is my crazy. Hehehehe...

Then, pick yourself up and look forward.

There will be a day again someday, when you’ll look up.
You won’t be down for forever.
You already know this, so why the drama?
Okay? Great. ^^
Make it a habit to look up and to look forward.
You’ll be fine.

lazy caterpillar

Air-con’s temp 18 degrees – checked. Remote in sight – checked.
My favourite pillows all stacked up accordingly – checked.
Lappy is on and a folder of new movies and dramas – checked.
My soft-green comforter – checked.
Sunlight – checked. I like a well-lit room during the day.
Me – checked. Specky, hair tie up in a bun with a hair clip upfront, big shirt and shorts. Okay, I’m all set.

Yep, I’m all alone in my room.
Well at this moment, these four walls are my world to me.
That is how it is – how I like to spend my days at home.
Of course, I go out and hang out with my family and friends...
But I can only do this...be like this, at home. No where else.
I feel safe.

My Dad found me one afternoon, curling under my comforter, he laughed and said,
It is difficult for him to believe that this daughter of his just flew 6 thousand km to attend a conference when she is lazy just to find the air-con remote.
Yeah, it’s hard for me to believe too.
Mom understands me very well; too well that she gives me space whenever I’ve retreated to my room.

Confined and imprison it might seem to others, it is so freeing to me.
I’m free to think about anything and not having anyone to interrupt or disagree with me.
I’m free to create whatever world I want in my head.
I’m free to travel anywhere and to be able to bend time – to go to places in my memories and to relive them.
All in the comforts of my room, my home.

I think it is a pity if a person does not know how to enjoy the ordinary things in life...
because it makes the extraordinary much, much more amazing and unforgettable.
My 1st times or my 2nd times, be it the hundredth times...I know I'll be able to enjoy it...
I will enjoy it like it is my 1st time, every time.

Now, that I am attached to university...my time to have a place of my own is near.
I won't be much at home starting next year.
So I want to treasure this moment.

After 17, your home will be just like a hotel.
You come back after a while but just to go out again, into the outside world.

As I'm writing this, I'm also listening to a song I heard a long time...
I remembered the me back then.

Curling under the comforter in front of my lappy...
just like a caterpillar.
I don't know what to call this habit of mine...or should i call it my hobby instead?
is definitely, precious.

Nobel Prize Winner - I met one.

Professor Dr. Mohammad Yunus


Think differently.
Think creatively.

He won Nobel Laureate for Peace in 2006.

I was standing by the aisle when he walked by.
I was determined to just smile at him...
But then, he reached out his hand to me...
And we shook hands.

That has made all the difference I could ever hope to gain.
He has inspired me.
He has lighted a fire in me.

I have met a Nobel Prize winner.