my sister's wedding

My sister got married last May…
At first…I intended to write something about her wedding in my blog.
But obviously, I’ve failed to do so.
We’re already reaching the end of July.

The feelings are there…but somehow, the words…
Are lost.
I can’t seem to be able to gather them
- to put them into sentences –
To compose a meaningful post…

I do meet up with my brother-in-law occasionally…
on the weekends when my sister came home for a visit.
But if truths are to be told…
I still can’t see the difference.
Everything looks the same to me.
…except, that I have to kiss his hand now, every time we say goodbye.

Part of me is still in disbelief, I guess…
Even though, I did witnessed everything…
Helped with some of the preparations…
Watched her getting her make-up done…
I was even there for the ‘akad nikah’.

Do you know what went through my mind as I wrote this post, sister?
Yes, I know you are reading this.
I remembered the night we slept in front of the tv in the living room…
It was a long time ago…
We’ve made a list of your boyfriends, haven’t we?
….
I am glad that your list did continue until it found S.

Since mine never did continue after the first…
So I’m glad yours did.
Glad that you never give up.

I know it’s late…but congratulation, sis…
So…when is the baby coming?

- the end -

pieces of a glass ball...

i read in a book once...
that happiness is like picking up pieces of a broken glass ball.
some will be able to collect many...
some only a little...
but along the way, there's must be someone who'll get hurt.

what do you think?

feels true though....

cleaning up 'life'?

I cleaned up my room yesterday.
Put in a couple of new furniture…
…a small table…a book shelf…two pots of flowers
…and a new rug – now, the floor’s no longer felt cold underneath the skin.

I unearthed a couple of boxes stocked away under the bed…
Found an old notebook with many scribbles on its margin…
Notes of past lectures…complaints at the bottom…
Some poems that I wrote myself…
Some appointments no longer of importance…
Along with a couple of sketches to pass the time.

Discovered past memories…
Reunited with old forgotten feelings.

Everywhere…I saw traces of yesterdays.
This is how it was like for me…these passed couple of years.
Things that I have collected along the way…
People that I met…
Memories that I have gathered.

I still loving the music and…
I still love writing.
Some things just don’t changed…
Still optimistic and fabulously single…
No other picture beside the family photo on the table.

I guess, it’s not just the room that needs a little bit of cleaning…
It was me who needs some tidying up.

Understanding one’s own stance.
Preparing for tomorrow…

9 weeks...

Today’s date is 28th of July, 2009.
I am back at campus after 9 weeks stint of practical course.
The ‘me’ two months ago, felt that this day was like a million years away.
The ‘me’ two months ago, would have never expected that those 9 weeks will become part of an important chapter in my life.

Arriving at the familiar gate of the university…
Seeing posters and banners hung everywhere for the coming convocation day…
It’s that time of the year again….

Instead of feeling welcomed,
the faces of everything around felt cold.
Almost foreign.
And as I go deeper inside this, now an alien land…
The memories of those 9 weeks keep getting farther away from me…
As if of another person’s story…
The weeks…the days…felt surreal.

But as I listen to a rendition of Hujan – “Ku Mahu Kau Tahu” by my students that I’ve recorded on my cell…
I know that those 9 weeks were real.
And as I received calls from them…
I know that those 9 weeks were real.

The ‘me’ two months ago would have never known just how much I love teaching…
Just how much I love my students.

...in a far away place...

every time i make a telephone call to someone...
and then, that person didn't pick it up...
or i only reach his or her voicemail...
or the call is out of range...

it always makes me feel as though that person is in a far away place...
a happy place - a place not within my reach.

the reason might simply be that the person is busy...
or out of prepaid and so on and so forth.
but still...a small feeling of being forgotten lingers...

it's stupid huh?

never alone...

one of my close friend describe me as someone who treasure and appreciate solitude.
he said that, although i enjoy others company... but at the same time, i also look comfortable just being by myself.

i've never given it much thought before...but i do enjoy walking by myself...
with my mp3 popped in and ready...that alone is enough.

the word 'loneliness'...to me, is just an excuse.
...a hallucination to hide the feeling of insecurity...
...a shield to avoid from getting hurt...
......

how can you be alone when there's so much people in the world.
family who cares...
family who asks for nothing in return...
or...
friends who share the same thoughts as yours...
friends with the same interests...
friends who would picked up the phone in the middle of the night...

you only need to put in some effort...
so never say that you are alone.

my feet...

i used to be so proud of my feet. they used to be so fair and soft...
they are the only part of my body that i am proud of.
but now, not anymore and as i look at them...
i can only see hard ridges and dead skin.

it is no longer as it once used to be.

i used to love black sandals because the contra makes my feet looks a lot fairer.
but now, black only makes them look darker.

one of my toenails is chipped off.
i guess that's the result when you have to walk everywhere you go.

hrmmm.....my poor feet, you're sure have gone a long way, haven't you?
i hope you are up to more of walking from now on.

because i have a bunch of new places to see.

every ridges and hard lines...
reminds me of places that i've been to
i can't help but smile
and as i feel the hardness with my hands...
i feel like i've grown.