the sky that i see...

I have been sitting in front of my laptop for some time now - doing nothing except staring into its blank depth.
Outside - the rain had stopped.
The sky is nothing but a stretch of white canvas across the horizon.
The usual twin electrical tower stood serenely at the back - unscathed by the violent rain.

It is difficult to believe that at this moment; I am looking at the same patch of sky.
Only a couple of hours before, its face was streaked with dark gray and black.
Its belly huge laden with water.

It reminded me of a time when i was small.
In those days, i used to color the sky with nothing else except blue.
whether the picture is raining or cloudy - i still choose the color blue.
When i was small...i guess i never really saw the sky.
I only saw what i wanted to see.

But now, as the sky bares its true nature onto me...and I onto it...
I waited with open arms - the harsh wind, the loud thunder, the blinding light and the cold rain.

i can see my reflection in the sky.

My story...

I was a bit late in my years to learn how to spell, read and write. During my primary school days, I was always the last student to go home because my teacher kept me late after each class as punishments for not being able to spell as simple as the word 'one'. Frankly speaking, my mother tongue was no better.
Somehow I can't quite grasp the relations between the symbols and sounds being produced. Once, my teacher told me to participate in a story-telling competition. She got me a short story (one sentence per page) - the pictures looked simple enough - but I still couldn't read it. So it went on until i reached standard 3. I used to worry that one day i might forget my ABC. I was so scared in those days that i never recited them at school or at home within ear-shot from my parents. By the age of 10, i was able to read and write - not completely but i was getting there. I remembered feeling abundant relieves that i have never forgotten my ABC.

I started reading English novels when i was in form 1 - using the money i received from my scholarship. From that day onwards, reading has become part of my hobby and my collection of books is my pride and soul. Now looking back, the credits deserved to go to my parents; for giving me time and space and never pressure me to become something that i am not - in this case, a five year old daughter who could read and write.

So, reading...as well as English as whole, has always been a part of a 'controversial' or 'blurred' phase in my early life. When i was in secondary school, i denied of ever liking the English subject because i was afraid of it - part of me always felt inferior, fragile and insecure. I seek refuge in Science subject - believing that my ambition is to become a doctor. I let my family, teachers and friends thought it to be so too. And as I excelled in Science, I was always the top in English as well (its a mystery even to me). Even so, I remembered feeling an inconsistent throbbing in my chest every time it was time for English.

I keep lying to myself until i couldn't do it anymore. I felt lost without a dream of my own. The day i decided to take writing as my way of life - was a day of salvation.

For once, i am out in the open. Yes, i love English. After all that i have been through to reach this realization, I'm not going to give up on it that easily.

Sleepless in....

Valentine's Day reminds me of "Sleepless in Seattle" and "From the heart" by Another Level.

How about you guys?
Name me one of your favorite romantic movies and why do you like them.

When i think of "Sleepless in Seattle", the word that comes straight to mind is 'magic'.

that movie is magical...i first watched it on tape when i was in primary school.
I simply love the lyrics in "From the heart"....

from the heart...i'm giving you everything
from the heart...i'll promise you that i'll be there
from the heart...from the heart.

Birthday's =)

The earliest memory that i have of my brithdays was when i was 4 years old. I got a pair of cordless telephones - you could talk into the other pair within 100 m radius - so cool! It was a present from Mum and Dad. As soon as i opened the wrappings, the phones were snatched away from me. I didn't get to play with it at least 24 hours later. Yep, it was depressing.

The second birthday that i remember was when i was in standard 3. Mum brought a cake to school. So, i got to celebrate it with my whole class! Mum's chocolate cake is the best! She put a lot of Smarties chocolates on them to make up my name.

Now, these two birthdays that i am going to tell were extra special since it was a surprise birthday parties. The surprise x-factor was always good - it doubles the happiness. The first one was when i was in Matriculation college. The culprit being my own roommates - i never suspected a thing. The second one was held here in campus with close course mates. Well...you know the story (in older posts).

I don't know why...but turning 22 is indeed special. I spent a lot of time thinking things through - things that do matters and things that do not. For once, my senses are alert - drinking every element from the surroundings to enrich my writings - to understand life.

Before now, i have always felt that birthdays should be special. I felt the need to do something extravagant to commemorate that once-in-a-year event. Perhaps doing something out of the ordinary...i honestly, don't know.

But, that was not it. it is the other days - the other 364 days - that will make that one day the special one of all.

wishing to disappear...

I have never...not even once, thought of killing myself.
And for that, I am grateful. To God. To my parents. And to honest friendships.
I do not feel ashamed in admitting this.
It is the truth.

Even in times of difficulties and injustice, the thought never really did occur to me in its actual sense.
But I did have...many times before as I grew up and even now...the thoughts of wishing
to disappear into nothingness...
to walk passed unnoticed under the unsympathetic gaze of society...
the cruel stares of prejudice, discrimination and envy...
of strangers'...of foes' and unfortunately, of people I know.

Sometimes...
it is not so much because of others expectations than my own that suffocate me...
feels as if the air that I breathe in comes with a huge price tag.

The days that went by in my early adolescence...the dreams which I awoke from in the mornings...
I'd wish for nothing more than to drift off again...
to a place where i am just a watcher;
an insignificant passerby in the makings of someone else's story.

At times, i feel hateful...i feel sad.
The feelings creep from my heart onto my skin like a giant caterpillar...
leaving imprints of its many footsteps - dirtying and damaging my happy thoughts.

I realize it now...
the world that is being offered to me...
through movies, animations and novels...
was only a cocoon I weaved around myself to escape my own world.

I breathe in its pages and plots.
I live through its heroes and charismatic characters.
I drown in its romance, tragedy and mystery - choosing an illusion over reality.

This feeling of wanting to disappear comes without warning.
It jumps from behind when i at least expected it.
There is nothing more that i can do...
except... waiting for it to pass.

'What' and 'Who' we are

we are nothing more and nothing less but a copy of our parents' genetic code.

what we do and what we love is like a reflection upon their younger life.
it's up to us to decide the quality
whether our copy is a 'photostated one' or 'copy-and-paste'...

i, on the other hand, prefer to believe that mine is 'limited edition'.

Whatever grade you give yourself...
keep in mind that there are other things at work here as well
to use this as an excuse to escape your responsibility
is absolute cowardice.

25% (mother's) + 25% (father's) = 50%
add another 50...
25% knowledge + 25% experience = 50%

until we reach 100...
this is who we are...today

Caught in the moment

Once...i promised a close friend that we would go out to eat Korean food together. We were just about to sit for an exam when the thought of going out struck us like a good idea. Since we would have like a four days' gap till the next one...my thoughts back then was that, it will be alright - there's still plenty of time afterwards left for studying. So, we decided to go the next day.

Thinking about it now...i am still not so sure of the reasons why i made such promise. i still find it regrettable that i called off the plan - feels as if i have terrible disappointed her that day. I remembered the time we had on the bus after the exam...how happy we were talking about all the Korean food that we've seen on tv - planning on which to try out first.

Honestly, i think...i was just caught in the moment. The rush of excitement on the idea to escape the exams' heat - to escape from everything - even for a while, seems to get the better of me. This sudden realization makes me wonder...how many times have i made such a decision just because i was caught in the moment?

Was there ever a decision that is based purely on emotions is better that the ones we put a lot of thinking into? Are we guilty for backing out from a promise made out of a fling? And if we did not back out...if the decision turned out to be a bad one, are we to blame for it?

Life has taught me that, it is either good or bad intentions - there's no in between. if the decision is based on reasons which either brings harm or create no effects whatsoever...to you or to people around you...then, it is best not to carry out that decision. Because usually, it will be your own intentions behind each decision that will determine whether you will feel regretful or not later on. My intention back then was to escape - to run away. And because of that, i decided not to go.

I am very sorry my friend, for backing out on you. But the second time when we finally got to go was most enjoyable!
Thank you, dear friend.