When the sun is setting

Walking barefooted on the sand, I frolicked at the water edge.

Watching the sun setting on the horizon, I took as much time as I needed to breath it all in.

I wrote your name on the sand.

Perhaps I was drunk breathing in all the scenery; I succumbed to the cliche'.

I don't know if I have any space left in my heart for you.

Honestly, much of it was eaten away through the years...

...and I am just too tired to play the game, again.

and the most funny thing is....you might not even see me how I see you.

I was looking at the sun setting...I was enjoying the feel of the warm breeze on my skin...

I was surprised by the fact that a gentleman who was walking by the shore, actually paused a few good seconds and looked my way before walking away.

But amidst all of that I was thinking about you.

I was thinking what would I do if I had you by my side...by the sea...watching the sun setting...would I have just surrendered to the moment and be cliche' myself? LOL

Love, Moonshin.

Quit quitting

Dear ME, 

Just once...why don't you quit quitting?

But I can't think of a solution to solve the problem...

But that is the first thing that comes to your mind when you first thought about it, isn't it?

That you want to quit?

Yes.

Somehow...if your first thought was to quit, I think the true solution won't ever come out.

How can it be possible when you have decided to quit rather than to keep?

You can't plant oranges expecting to harvest apples.

Quit quitting.

We both know what you truly want.

My Confession about Love

I have several reasons for staying single; what’s yours?

It does not help when you are a forced observer of your parents’ relentless bickering.

It does not help when you have to witness what you thought was a beautiful marriage ended up being dismissed in court.

It does not help to see family members ceased to be family, fighting over monetary items.

It does not help when you saw your nephew asked his grandmother to be his mother…

If there is a sound for when hearts are being broken…

It was the sound when I witnessed as she threw away the trust built on unconditional love given to her by her parents.

It was the utter silence…

But on her father’s and mother’s faces screamed in such brute force… painful sadness.

Do you know what didn’t help in that situation?

I don’t think she knew the gravity of what she has done…

It does not help make anything better.

Nothing was better.

And it does not help the fact that I am a branch of the same tree and I am worried of only repeating history.

After knowing and accepting the worthless I am…

I’d rather be miserable alone than to share it with someone I might love with all my heart.

I know there are worse realities than mine…

I know that I am still far better off than some…

But when it comes to love, I am scared to give mine away.

Because since the very beginning, I am aware that mine…is not whole. 

It is not beautiful as a rose.

It is not innocent as a daisy.

It is not memorable as a morning glory.

If anything, it is like the aster – small, colorless-white, and weak.

When it comes to love…all that I have to offer is all of my ordinary self.

Love, Moonshin.

A cake, a card and a grateful heart.

On our last day of class this semester, my students gave me many priceless presents...

My students had perfect class attendance and they were never late to class but on that day...

I had to wait a full 5 minutes before I decided to call the class rep to find out just what had happened.

She picked up only to say that they were on their way.

To think that it was the last day of lecture; I was heart-broken.

But as soon as I had finished that thought, there was a knock on the door and my class rep entered with a cake in her hands.

My thought was, "Oh my God...."

The rest is self-explanatory.

They gave me words in a card they made themselves. 

Not just any ordinary words; words that will burn brightest in my darkest hour. 

Words that will no doubt put a big smile on my face as I look back on them later in life.

They gave me joy. 

They gave me beautiful memories. 

They gave me meaning.

They gave me strength...

That day, I sincerely felt grateful to be alive.

I was grateful to have become  a teacher and to have these memorable moments with my students.

I love all of you too.

Love, Moonshin.

Happy Father's Day, Dad :)

I was a weird and a difficult child and still am.

I was always curious and thirsty for wonders and still am.

You have shown me all you could and still do - thank you...

For believing in me when I couldn't.

For loving me so unconditionally when I myself, couldn't.

For always saying that you are proud of me...

God, I am so grateful to have my Dad in my life - You know how much I need him.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Love, Moonshin.

Mom ;)

A few years back, my Mom and I were almost hospitalized for the same health problem.

One day, I even fainted on top of my Mom.

I remembered asking her, "Mom, how come this seems to affect me much worse than it affects you?"

Her answer had me puzzled then...

But now, I understand its gravity.

"It is not about who having more strength than the next person...I am simply stronger...

because I have a reason to be".

Love, Moonshin.

7 Days to just...be.

"I travel not to escape life but for life not to escape me" (Anonymous)

Following the first promotion - I was already overwhelmed with work.

When the second came - I was sure that was not the life I wanted for me.

Too many things have happened in the expand of 3 years...

...too fast...

I couldn't breathe.

So I woke up one morning in early March...

...feeling different and determined than ever...

...for some reasons, Sydney came to mind...

And after work, I went straight to the counter to buy my flight ticket.

That was how it came about...my 7 days in Sydney.

Like the quote, I simply didn't want life to escape me.

And what a trip it has proved to be...I needed it.

"The waves of the sea help me get back to me" (Anonymous)

A Daughter's Confession

“Aren’t you afraid that you’ll feel lonely?”

“No. Why should I…?”

‘She is weak’ was what I thought of her when Mother sprung this question on me 10 years ago after my bold announcement of not wishing ever to be married.

If truths are to be told; I never really meant what I said.

Because I thought life will always treat me the same; be it 10 years ago or now, 10 years later.

I thought I knew myself well.

“When is your daughter going to get married? She will soon be thirty…”

“She will when she get there”

I know Mother has my back.

At the same time, I know Mother is worried.

But for her, because my happiness takes precedence over everything else….

She just…waits patiently by my side and laughs all of the bad things away.

“You have dreams and that is important”

Mother, honestly I am not as confident anymore.

What you warned me about 10 years ago has started to seep through my heart each day and it hurts a little, every time.

I guess this feeling is real – no use in denying it anymore.

While most people might think of this as a sign for me to take the next step but I feel like I’ve taken several steps backwards instead.

Because I think Love out of Loneliness is the worst.

I don’t even like myself to even ask another to like me.

And this might not be the answer I am searching for.

Mother.

You have done great over the years.

I think what we have as a family is a miracle. At least, it is to me.

What I have or what I am now has nothing to do with what or what we don’t.

Please know that I am not without love.

Please also know that you have taught me well that love is not a ration but meant to be shared.

I am a very fortunate daughter and I need you to think so too.

I am not sure of a lot of things.

But of this I am sure; I hold the key to my happiness.

Not a faceless dude I have yet come to meet.

I’ll keep you updated, always.

Magic Tree

‘It must be a magic tree’, was what I thought.

Although I smiled to myself at the idea...

Still, I couldn’t escape its reverie, every time.

I am even surprised at how naturally I feel at awe that I am ashamed.

What I find most blindingly beautiful is not the sight.

But the fact that it is there – unchanged.

At times, the morning sun rises without mercy spreading a bout of draught across the land.

As in life, some days go bad as they can go

and some days, it gets so boring that you’d miss the storm and the draught.

But the magic tree stands through the days as it never was...

Whereas I have shed tears and much more.

I wish to be strong too, don’t you think I do?

It's a magic tree.

I don't believe in 'just because'

I do it because I want to.

Because I love watching the sun and the blue sky...Because I love Oreos and vanilla ice-cream...Because I have received help in the past...Because I love teaching...Because I have many dreams...Because I don't want favors be the foundation of our friendship..Because I know how it feels...Because I want to talk to you...Because I used to take the bus too...Because I love the rain and quiet...Because I was forgiven. Because life is short. Because I am my parents' daughter...
 

Because.......

It is always because of something. 

Whatever that something is worth taking the risk and effort. 

I don't believe in 'just because'. ^^

Keeping it together

"Difficult times happen on the way to happiness"

.......................

i try not to think of all the things that needs to be done...

but focus on getting things done as much as i can everyday.

Time to heal

I thought I'd feel better after a drive ....looking at greens and the sky...breathing in the fresh air outside of the city.

I thought the vastness of it all would somehow envelop and swallow the small sadness I have in my heart - renders it insignificant as it should be and then perhaps, makes it disappear...

But I was wrong.

The broad horizon only highlights the emptiness even more...

Screaming in my face with such brute force that I helplessly surrendered to the comfort of tears.

What was once done so easily and naturally without guilt, now is very hard for me to do.

Crying is an indulgence I don't want to give myself at this stage in life.

Crying was an indulgence my parents gave me when I was young....

This time words are somewhat powerless...and tasteless.

I need a little bit of time to heal.

Let me be.

Manila Me

I was in Manila for a week.

As usual, for a conference + holiday (sight-seeing).

I learned a lot from the experience...academically and even life, in general.

Mixed around with people - met great new friends.

I think I can finally say...I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I was kind of jumpy and fidgety before...but now I think I have finally understand myself.

I've found my way...

My way to present my thoughts.

My way of standing in my world.

Met a few great names in textbooks I have read while I was still an undergrad...

Names that I have cited in my thesis and memorized to heart.

Familiar faces of lecturers that are now, professors...

I was proud beyond words.

There were tears and some heartaches along the way...

But it's okay because now I know that it won't last for forever.

Sadness will go away.

Happiness will become fond memories.

The hurt will fade a little with time.

I am happy.

New Semester. New Chapter in Life....so it seems.... ^^

I've just been made the new Course Coordinator.

Hermm.....

I wasn't really listening when my HC explained to me about the job...

I only have less than 8 months of working experience...

At the time, my insides went jello~ and I felt the ground shaking beneath my feet...

Honestly? I'm scared to bits.

Yes, I manage things well.

Correction: I manage my OWN things well.

Yes, I am good at planning things.

Correction: I was my only subject whenever I planned things.

I know I am in for a roller-coaster ride starting next semester...

am expecting tears, stomachaches, cat-fights, eye-rolling - all the works.

Haiizzzz....and I still owe my supervisor  the third draft before the big presentation comes October.

I'm going to Manila in Oct too. For a conference.

One manuscript due several months ago~~

yeah, you read it right. MONTHS~~

Gosh.

^^

I am not sure HOW, but I'll just do it.

Things will be okay.....right?

I won't suck so bad that the university would have to shut down.....right?

right?

............................

In the mess of it all, my parents tried to play cupid last holiday....

OMG.

I put a firm stop to it.

They have dropped the subject.

Hopefully.

TC.

Purple Clover

I will have a one week holiday starting this Saturday...

Needless to say, I can't wait to go back home.

Funny enough, for all the things I love at home...I can't help thinking of the purple clovers nestle in a pot in the front lawn.

I have always been fascinated with leaves more than flowers.

Clovers among others, I also love autumn leaves and ginkgo.

Like magic, a bunch of purple clovers suddenly appeared in one of the flower pots one morning.

As old as I am, I am sure there is a logical scientific explanation on how it ended up there but...

this small happiness...

Let me keep its magic and romance a while longer.

Working Life

It's been a while since I last updated my blog.

A lot has happened since...

With work and study....I just can't seem to find the time anymore.

I have been working for 6 months now.

Even though being far away from home is never easy...but I kinda like this town. ^^

Nature is abundance and I have never liked the hustle and bustle of city life anyway.

Quite easily, I adapt well to my new place.

Everyday trip to work...driving by paddy fields and mountains...

kinda fill the void I feel every time I think of home.

Many of my friends doesn't know the real reason why I have chosen to do my phd away from town.

Okay, maybe not the whole story at least.

It takes 6 hours by car, back and from.

I enjoy the trip so much though because I look forward to crossing the bridge every time.

The bridge has a significant symbol being a part of my memories of growing up. ^^

I guess that is how it is with my life nowadays.

I almost never make a decision just because.

There is always a reason behind it.

While I am enjoying this learning process of getting new experiences...finding my place in this profession...

creating a name for myself...

But I am also quite worried at times...

that I am losing my 'youth'.

My young-hot-blooded self.

I feel like I'm loosing the 'adventurous' side of me.

But I am confident I will find the answer soon.

Why?

Because those who seek will find. ^^

TAJ MAHAL

Taj Mahal is one of the 7 wonders of the world for a very good reason...I'm more in love with it now I've really listened to its story....Glad I made the decision to go to India.

TOKYO TOWER

A visit to Tokyo Tower is actually one of the entries I've written down for my bucket list.
Yes, I have a bucket list.
I'm grateful that I get to see it with my own eyes and actually went to the top.
I even listened to Amuro Namie's Song 'Love Story' while i was up there....just as how I had it all planned out. hehehehe ^^

My First Autumn....ever ^^

Life: Just suck it up and laugh

 2 weeks visit to Tokyo, Japan.
Been wanting to go since forever...
I've visited Harajuku, Odaiba, Kasairinkai Kouen, Tokyo Tower and Fujikyu.

It has been beyond my wildest dreams...and only 2 weeks ago, I was in Delhi...I went to Taj Mahal and Agra Fort.

Looking forward to the future...I wouldn't be able to see or predict such events ever occurring in any chapters of my life....
I am, by all means, ordinary.
My background is ordinary.
I finished school, went to university and then, straight to grad school.
I landed myself a fellowship with a university so, a job is guaranteed once I've received my MA.
And I did. Next month, I'll start lecturing...

I love writing and researching...
and that paves the way to conferences and because of that I get to travel...
Living the kind of life I've always wanted since I was a child...

It hasn't been an easy ride....looking back, only now did i understand...

The days I made myself sit through boring classes...
The pain of not having means to get what you want...
Putting up a smile to people you'd rather smack down right there and then....
Having other people claiming your work is theirs....
Putting up with limited choice of food selection...
Worst of all...when you can only do so much to help Mom and Dad

The worries...the tears...the pain....

But since I'm all aware others suffered much worse....I just took it in my stride...played on some music in my mp3....and keep on walking and smiling.

All of that has given birth to today.
So...I'll wash my brand new car everyday if i wanted too.
I'll smile in pics i took during my trips.
I'll feel happy and proud of myself without feeling any guilt or constraint.
I'll do it all in moderation since I still have a long way to go...

My advice to self....just suck it up...it'll get better. Don't give up.