My life... My world... My story...

like namie...

2012-02-12T02:41:00.000-08:00

Been listening to Namie's Love Story pretty often these past couple of days...

"Life's no love story.." it says...
Yeah, no arguments there.

Demo, itsuka...namie no you ni, sono 'love storii' no you ni, naritaii.

ordinary Me

2012-02-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

I was at gunpoint and then I woke up.
It took me seconds to realize that it wasn’t real...
I blinked and my throat felt dry and painful.
It’s 10 in the morning...Well, perhaps I should say afternoon.

Been having dreams everyday now...
Feels like my brain is trying to work out things to do on its own...
Feels like its bored...
Because I can’t...I don’t feel like doing anything...
I’m always wasted when it’s the holidays...
The feeling of lost more pronounce somehow...

I grabbed my towel and headed for the shower...then I realized everything is in downstairs toilet.
I went downstairs only to go back again thinking I prefer the one upstairs.
5 min came and went like this.

30 min later, I rocked the mp3 playing SISTAR’s ‘Ma boy’...
With my dark mass of a laundry under one arm.
I chucked everything in a basin and started washing them.
It’s my principle to wash above 50 clothes by hand.

I know where the stains were or where to scrub more rigorously than anybody or machine can manage...
So, hence the Me sitting by myself next to the water tap, playing with soap and water.

I really like the smell...
The smell of something clean...I hate man-made-smell, like perfume...
Suffocates me...can only stands them for few seconds.

Mom and Dad were in the kitchen.
I could hear their ‘usual routine’.
But my defences are too advanced that whatever I don’t want to hear becomes white-noises as soon as it enters the brain...
So I’m un-hurt most of the time now...
It wasn’t so in the past...since I know what I hear and remembers them.

The one-piece that I was washing was the one I wore on a Sunday-out last weekend.
It was a lot of fun...Although I listened more than I speak...
It made me realize of things I never knew before...
...made me grateful.

Hahahaha...old habits die hard~
Yat and I are definitely Shop-Soulmates.
We walked-in every shop that interests us and we grabbed them fast if we like them~ LOL
Yat still has a thing for bags...
Me?
I have a thing for EVERYTHING~ LOL

Be it in the past, as poor students or in the present, as young woman with jobs...
Some things just never change...

I hung my clothes to dry under the sun.
I considered myself lucky since the weather has been dreadful for days now...
It affects even me...with a sore-throat and slight fever.

Glanced over the kitchen window...yep, still positive for white-noise.
Haizzzz...I’ll take care of it later.
Well, my little sister is coming home tomorrow and we’re going shopping for things she’ll need for Japan...
Abib and I have plans to go and visit her comes winter this year in Japan...
Of course, after I have started my work in the university...after my graduation...
Which hopefully I’ve settled my PhD application by then....

The sun is sure blinding...like the future...
Honestly, it feels good inside...
The ordinary-Me with an ordinary life...

Just last Thursday, the students I helped in KLIUC...
A one-time gig to help Abib with her students’ interview sessions for a course they had to take...
By the end of the session, they said they like me. They had fun, they said.
I was only there for like 4 hours...
Thanks Abib, for inviting me ^^

Herm..... ^^

Laundry – Done.
Time for some Nata de Cocoa~ Buhbyee..

I sounded sad?

2012-02-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

"Hahahaha~ Really?" ----> was the only reply that I could come up with at the time.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't laugh.
I had 'readers' approached me, asking whether I am alright...
they grew quite worrisome of my being since my last couple of posts sounded kind of dark and unhappy.

I mean, really? Do I sound like that?
Wow....hahhahaha~

But thank you, I am touched.
It feels really good to know that there are some who cared...
I am okay, really.

The content might feel heavy to some but actually...
to me, I was just stating what seems to me, facts about my life.
to say that it is not heavy at all is a downright lie but by writing in this blog, I'm accepting it. Am trying to.

So I found cheap joy in expensive learnings.
Sometimes, I stumble across priceless 'treasures' in cheap 'unfoldings' too.
I just want to share whatever I can, to convince myself that I am not alone, that you are not alone.

Make sense? hahahahah~

the sea...

2012-01-25T22:09:00.001-08:00

After a long time....
I went to the beach last Sunday.
An opportunity, perhaps.
Was it a wish came true?
I am not sure...

But it was definitely...
A pleasant coincidence I’d never expected to happen...
I’d never foretold...
A once-in-blue-moon thing...
In the line of work...after spending hours on research papers in a room full of professors and lecturers...
I decided to reward myself at the moment went that SMS came through...

At 5.45, I was walking on the beach...
Still in my working clothes...white blouse but with jeans since it was Sunday...
So wedges, instead of stilettos....
Feeling the warm-balmy air on my face while smooth-crumpling sand touched my feet...
Tingling at first...but a never forgotten sensation...
a definitely missed,
after all this time...

It was freeing...

I can't help but wonder, was i not 'free' before?

Smile ^^

2012-01-15T10:57:00.000-08:00

Like these two pic-quotes that I've posted...
I wanna try smiling at life.
Why?
Because I'm tired of bringing myself down.
Others are doing it to me all the time, so why should I be mean to myself too?

Let's help each other out....Smile! ^^
I'm doing it, you should too~

For my friend, on her special day...

2012-01-11T08:13:00.000-08:00

So, here it is.
I drew this for a friend of mine who's getting married soon.
Honestly, I think I did a very poor job...it's sloppy.
I don't know why anybody would want to keep this....
But still, I did it...for her.

The objects in the drawings are symbols of love that she shares with her future husband...memories that connect them together.
...the love letter...one rose...chocolates....

Congratulation, Nadiah. I'm so happy for you.
Sorry I couldn't make it on the big day...
But please know, my prayers are with you always ^^

becoming more YOU

2012-01-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

I guess...
I am one of those people that act or say things without thinking.
As much as I don’t want to be...
As much as I try not to be...

My mouth spits bullets and shreds of glass...
Especially when it comes to certain matters that never failed to ‘tick’ me off every time.
As if testing me to see whether I am being true to my words...
Such occasions are abundance these past couple of days...
And I’m reduced to guilt and dislike towards myself every time.
Sucks....

I’m beginning to understand that it is wrong to force my ‘logic’ onto others...
Because mine...might be unacceptable to them.

How is it that to certain people I am able to tolerate more than others?
Why is it that the disappointment is painful when it involved someone close to you?
I don’t understand it...
How do you show that you care?
And to whom should you care?

As time goes by, the more I feel that the phrase ‘growing up’ is just a pile of bull crap.
There is no such thing.
It feels more like becoming more YOU.

Some adults do worse than the average adolescences.
Some adolescence does better at life than adults.

The ME in the present understands more of ‘me’ in the past.
It feels as if...it is not wisdom that comes along with the years of living...
It is the ability to ‘understand’ YOU and then, the others.
Only then, perhaps comes wisdom, I don’t know...

Nothing is always right.
Nothing is always wrong.
As you accept that nobody is perfect, don’t forget to accept the fact that
you are not perfect as well.

It seems that every bit of searching done while living,
...the sufferings...the doubt...the regrets...the mistakes...
Are all a part of a bigger picture, not an answer.
I should stop searching for a ‘pattern’ that works for every little thing.
There is never one to begin with.

It’s just life.

At least, I am more aware now...it might not count for much....
But I'm getting there - that means something.
You should know that too.

A...lone

2011-12-11T23:41:00.000-08:00

I never felt more alone than I did last night and today...

while standing in a crowd of stranger heightens the feeling more...

I was shocked to discover that the terrible feeling in my gut is not from the alienation of the world....but rather....

the feeling of being cast away by those I thought at least, cared.....

I Have Love. You Have Love.

2011-12-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

It took me 4 years to recover some of the feelings that I have lost...
At first I thought it was never possible...
I mean first love is memorable since it’s our first.
As simple as that...but makes a whole lot difference.

Hearing stories from friends...
How their feelings were not answered...
It never failed to take me back to those days...
Makes me realize just how happy it is to love and to be loved.
I was lucky...

I guess the old confidence vanished with the first...
...rubbed raw onto the pavement leaving nothing but innocent feelings of liking that one person.
This second encounter, I guess...
There is nothing extravagant that make me ruled him out of the rest...
But he gave me moments...moments where I thought were lost forever.

The day when it rained...
When you called out my name...
The story you wrote that you shared with me...

Like I said, moments...
To say that I am ready to get back in the game is ridiculous.
But I am definitely recovering.
I was lucky to meet him and...
Some part of me felt glad that I can still feel these kinds of feelings.

Might seem silly to most people...
But I’d like to appreciate these little things...these little moments.
I have love.
It might not meant for the ‘He’...
...I might have passed my destined one – I don’t know.
But one thing for sure, I have love.
I can give love to my family, friends and students.

I should have realized this earlier...
That love is not a ration...I shouldn’t have let my feelings be lost.
It was there from the beginning...awaiting me to retrace them back.

You have love too. Never forget that.

parting ways...but not at heart

2011-12-04T23:08:00.000-08:00

About two months ago...I donated all of my old books to a school in Indonesia.
I spent a month there as a teacher-trainee when I was still an undergrad.
The people there were so kind and friendly...
The moment I left the school, I vowed to do something in return for their kindness.
Looking outside the minivan's window, as it drove me passed the main gates towards the airport....
i knew deep in my heart that it'll be the last time for me to lay my eyes on it...

Just the night before, I spent playing, laughing and joking around with my students...
How happy they were just to hear my announcement broadcasted throughout the whole school during the day, that I wanted to meet them...
I gave each of them a handmade and handwritten card...to show them every little bit of my feelings and sincerety towards them...
I was and still am proud to be their teacher.

It took me 2 years to finally be able to do something...
The me back then, was really hopeless...I was getting help just to get by...
...it was really frustrating for me to keep that little wish of mine dormant and hidden.

I love books and their library has a little bit of problem getting their hands on English books...
So, I thought I could help them with this.
I grew up with books...they have helped me...they have given me joy...
Remembering the eager faces of students there when it comes to learning...
I want my books to be able to do the same for them...
I hope whatever bit of happiness, knowledge and inspiration that I have gained through reading those books, will also be experienced by their new owners.

I want them to know that I am forever thankful and that my stay there and our friendship was real.

I hope to be able to support and be a part of your strength - here and always.

Weight

2011-11-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

Growing up, it feels as though there was always somebody beside me to help carry the weight.

Even now...
Be it the old beat-up bus...my Dad's car...I was and am always being 'carried' off to somewhere with somebody....
So 'spoiled', ignorant and naive that I grew accustomed of having to share the weight that I carry.
But now, as I walk on my own two feet...
Even when I leave my old self behind...
The uncertainties....the fear...the disappointment...
The dead weight in itself is heavy...

I challenge myself to a hill every time I went for my usual morning walks...
Every time it gets less and less hard.
Every time, I feel myself smiling more and more when I reach the top.

Being kids...

2011-11-11T20:22:00.001-08:00

There is this...one scene in the Japanese Drama, ‘Overtime’ that I really like.
Two people...on a winter night, in a nearby park...
A guy and a girl playing ‘tamago game’ (penalty game using eggs)...
They were laughing like mad and the scene ended like that with one of the eggs landed on the girl’s head.

I am not sure how to explain it...
But to me, it feels innocent.
No lies. No complicated feelings.
Just...feel happy to be in each other company.

I think, most people nowadays have problems to do just that...
There is a different meaning behind each ‘I love you’ and each with a varying degree of passion.
However, all are heartfelt, true and meaningful at the same time.
It’s hard to see past the different shades but to take it any other way is wrong too.
It’s complicated...
Yeah, it is becoming more so as I grow older.

Like a test from up above, I received a couple of ‘ILUs’ these past several days.
These pleasant surprises...
I reacted naturally, acknowledging how they feel but never too much to cross that boundary to being more than how they really feel.
Sometimes, they might not even know how they really feel inside.
To protect that person...and more so, to protect myself.

In times like these, I can’t help feeling like a teacher...
“Yeah...me too. Thanks. Hehehehe...what’s up with you? Forget to take your meds huh? Hahahahahah...Did something happened?”
While I feel somewhat flattered...I sighed heavily at the same time.
Haaa~ *sigh*

But last week, there was this moment when he bade goodbye...
I was reminded of that scene in ‘Overtime’ and how I have missed having those feelings.
We haven’t talked for years...and somehow when he waved his hands at me, it felt like no time had passed and we’re still friends.

To say that I have feelings for him....Nah~
There was never anything to even begin with.
That’s not it.
We’ve shared a lot and we enjoyed our times together.
Those days we never bothered about looking pretty or good in front of each other...
Yeah...those days were innocent, I give you that.

...and when he bade that goodbye...apart from it meant what it is...
I’d like to think that he still remembers that I was and maybe am still his friend.

Books and me

2011-10-19T03:05:00.000-07:00

I’ve mentioned before that I have difficulty in learning how to read when I was young.
Even when I can, I avoided it until much later.
My father, being a teacher....surprisingly, he never forced me.
But he supports and motivates me in his own way....
Our home is never without a fresh store of reading materials.
Reader’s Digest, National Geographic, Times, novels, memoirs, reference books...

I received Rm600 every 6 months as a scholarship when I was in high school...
My father said to spend it wisely.
I remembered that day as clear as much as it was fuzzy...
I remembered browsing through one of the aisle of a bookstore back in my hometown...
with my hands touching books...
I came across one of Montgomery’s Anne chronicles.
It was ‘Anne of the Island’.
It wouldn’t be over-reacting to describe the moment as love at first sight...
Because that was how I felt.

I read and read until I finished the whole book.
Honestly, I didn’t understand 90% of it.
And not once did I referred to the dictionary...I still can’t figure out why...
That was how I became acquainted to the world of books.

Used to take me several weeks to finish a book...
Now just under 4 hours...
I’ve come a long way.

Books allow me to escape my life from time to time...
But not out of dislike...it is a form of wonderment for me.
A travelling trip in a 3-in-1 package.

Even now, I really enjoy reading after coming back from class...
With a hot drink by my side...cuddling a soft cushion...
with the occasional whistling of a wind chime to accompany me by my small window...
I will be in between worlds and at peace and safe.

I bought over 40 books at the Big Bad Wolf book fest....
That was a day to remember in itself...
And while I was browsing the rack for interesting books...
I felt like I saw the younger me smiled from afar....

Big Bad Wolf Book Fest

something is just worth protecting...

2011-09-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I have two sets of piercings on both of my ears...
My hair is a bit brownish since I dyed them last month...
I waited till I’ve finished my contract with the school before doing it.
Not the usual image you have in mind for a teacher huh?

I want you to know that I understand this completely...
what it entails...what it means...
Call me a hypocrite if you must...for living two lies...
But I am and will try to protect my students in any way I can...
Even from something or someone like...me.

While I am familiar with the world that they are living in...
While I tried my best to do them justice when I was still their teacher...
If possible, I just wish...I wish I could protect their innocence a while longer...
Even if that means hiding the real me...or at least my current self.

I am not too sure what people will think...
I might look like this...
But in most parts, I do have a share of my own innocence...
I don’t hold all the world answers in the palm of my hands.
And I don’t think that is a bad thing...

I have my own principles and I have my own rules...
There’ll come a day when you’ll understand.
Something is just worth protecting...

just something i need to say

2011-09-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

These past couple of days, I find it hard to listen to the usual happy songs...
While I feel dead inside...
even though the words reached my ears just fine,
my brain it seems to be translating a bunch of incomprehensible static that it blocked my ability to understand any of its words.

The lively melody bounces off my ear-canals, not taking in anything.
A usual routine that used to infect my mood like a virus...
Lifting up my spirit...
Is now, gone.

I used to be able to relate to the stories behind the lyrics...
Now, it feels foreign and empty.
The somebody-else’s story, remains just...somebody else’s, not mine.

I guess even for someone like me, these kinds of things do affect me...
It might not be for a while longer but...it does affect me, nonetheless.

I won’t say I am sorry when I am not.
Please do not forgive me when I am not asking for any.
It will be patronizing...and I don’t want that.

But I do learn from my past mistakes...
From she who has gone through the same situation...
From she who has not easily thrown me away despite what I have said in the past...
Despite my coldness and at times seemingly ignorant...
We are not even blood-related...now I know the gravity of what it means to be related to someone...
From she who keeps what little of that unimportant relationship that we have...
From she who never takes the step to sever that tie...

I am grateful...
I am grateful towards you for helping me and welcoming me into your home...
I am grateful towards you who did not abandon me.

This part of you I find really admirable that I feel like I’ve been blind all my life when it comes to family and living among people.

I will try my best to do the same for my little sister...
I will bend for her, and for you and your family...
If ever you need me, I will be your real little sister this time around.
And what past-conflict I had with Brother...I feel now, I am ready to let it go – completely.
I was not being honest to myself or anyone before this but, not this time.

I will bend for my parents, my friends, my students....including those that need my kindness....
And I will bend also for the ones who have severed their ties with me.

This is a promise I made to myself...and I
will honour it.

........................................................
P/S:
Dear readers, please read my post as it is.
For my sake, do not add on your own personal interpretation of it because then, you’ll just end up mixing and complicate things.
Do not read for things that are not even there.
Just read for what it is.

God bless and stay strong.

Past, Present & Future 'Me'

2011-09-09T18:33:00.001-07:00

I can’t say that I don’t have any regrets,
living throughout these past years...
I do have regrets.

But if I have been given a chance to go back in time,
To salvage or rectify some of the mistakes that I have made...
I am not confident enough to say
that I will take a different road or make a different decision
than what I have done in the past.

I am me,
no matter what the time, the place, or whoever might be standing in front of me...
I am me.

Times when I sit alone and try to think of a better way to go about doing it...
Perhaps there were several things that could make things less painful and difficult...
But...
Honestly, I don’t think it will make much of a difference.
I stand by my choice and decision and that is it.

Time and time again, the question will occasionally float around in my head despite my conclusion and determination.
Sometimes, it brings doubt and guilt...
And I will be tortured by the sense of helplessness that all of this doesn’t make sense.
Like how I usually face things by finding the underlying pattern or understanding of the whole event,

But LIFE is nothing like an event.
It does not concern, just YOU.
Too many variables...including unpredictable and unstable ones...
I feel like throwing in the towel just thinking about it.

We make decisions...I make decisions based on the time that it was given to me.
With what little knowledge that I have...
With wisdom and a combination of logic and empathetically deduced ending...
I tried.

Did you try?
I am also one of your ‘variables’, might not be an important one...
But did you at least try to consider my ‘properties’ like how I have done with yours?

What has passed is irrevocable.
So I will add another try on my long list of becoming a better me...
My effort might look like nothing but I have the awareness.
That makes a different.
In life – towards the past, present and for the coming future – that makes a huge difference.
It shows that my life has not yet, reached its end-point.
I still have hope that I will change just as how my life will.
For a better future – I am not without hope.

So,
I will try again...
This time not to look back on the past but to look forward to future.
I will change, not the past but the future.
The future me still has that 100% probability of taking a different road or
Make a different choice.
Because the ‘me’ in the future will not be the same as the ‘me’ in the past...

I will not allow it...
And this is, what I believe in.

filing away life

2011-09-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

I was working on my thesis when I heard the all-so-familiar sound of the postman’s motorcycle.
Followed by the usual Tet! Tet!
Herm...an express mail – ‘That must be it’, was what I thought.
My desk is right in front of the window, overlooking the front porch...
So yeah, I’ve been stalking the mail man weeks before Raya because I was waiting on an important letter from the university.

I kept my head poised over my laptop though – not flinching even one bit.
Even though my head was all over the place after the first ‘Tet!’ sound.
Then, Dad came in with a big envelope in his hand – Aha! LOL.

I read through the stack, jotting down things that I have to prepare and do.
All of my important documents – birth cert, passport, and academic cert, my degree cert, blah, blah, blah....
I keep it in big folder – a blue and white checker file.
I thought to myself, “What the hell...might as well clean this ‘Pandora box’ a little bit now that I’ve opened it”.
So I did.

My kindergarten cert is still in there.
Along with receipts, letters and other office stuff.
There’s also some goodbye letters and cards from students...
The 10 000 Baht I received in my first year, helping a group of students from Thailand cruising around the campus...their lecturer was very kind...
Some keepsakes... a 100 000 rupiah from Indonesia when I went there for my teaching practical...
And a couple of Mauritius rupee coins from last trip in July.

My first ever pay-cheque slip...LOL. God, I still have that?
And my entire collection of student’s ID cards I’ve ever received...from high school, matriculation college, degree years, colleges...some even has changed its colours over the years....
Some TVXQ! Stickers...a bank slip for JYJ concert goodies and tickets that I purchased last year...
A dream came true...
I still feel the adrenaline and the feeling of immense happiness every time I think of that day when I was under the same roof as Jaejoong...
Even now, each time I get onto the LRT or monorail...I will make sure to catch a glimpse of Stadium Negara...forever an important landmark for me.

At the bottom of the first folder, I found 5 stickers of cute girls.
Now thinking back on it, I bought these when I was 12...
I used to have a thing for stickers...I collected them and sold them to friends at school.
Oh yeah...I was kind of an entrepreneur when I was young. LOL.
I was saving it for the right time... I guess it just never came.

My degree courses lasted for 4 years (yeah, it was long; all from the education faculty lasts that long).
In that file, I still have all eight of my examination slips (2 for each year).
Man, it is really a miracle how the file can hold all of this stuff....

I got rid of out-dated letters, trash, old receipts, more trash...
Now, the file is no longer bulging like it was before.
It has ‘slimmed down’ a little. Okay, a wee lil bit. LOL.
What can I say, I’m a collector.

This cleaning-of-file job...
I can’t wait to do it again after another 5 or 10 years.
The reminiscent moments as I flipped through the folders...
As I picked up traces from yesteryears...
It gave me a fluttery bittersweet feeling.
I felt like my heart bloomed when I touched these...
These evidences of my past existence.

A new semester will reopen soon...what I hope to be my last.
Time runs too fast. It was only a year ago when I applied for my Master degree...
A lot of things have happened since then...some were bad but mostly good if you are the optimistic kind of gal like me. LOL.

Like always, I will take this file back to the uni again with me.

I took the bus a lot since I first started life away from home and that was like almost 6 years ago...
If I had kept every bus ticket I’ve ever bought, I wonder what will happen to the file...
Herm...
Even so, there is only one bus ticket that I will never throw away...
And that was for my longest bus ride I ever had in my life.
It was when I went for my interview, alone last May.
The memories itself were unbelievable...with nothing but a resume, a blazer and a bottle of mineral water...some cash and a return ticket home.
No change of clothes whatsoever...so I practically didn’t wash myself for 2 days.
On the morning of the interview till the next morning I arrived home.
Radical, isn’t it? ;)

I am a naturalist, romanticist and optimist.
I am a dreamer. I am an observer.
I am a collector.

I am me.
Now, tell me who are you?

afternoon musing

2011-08-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

26/8, 5.15pm

I’m happy but at the same time, I’m scared.
I’m scared if I feel too happy, it’ll jinx all the good things away.
I seldom get what I want...
Even when I really want it, I don’t hope...
Hope will make things worse if it is not granted.

But today...
Today is so surreal that I spent hours, enveloped in my blanket...
Thinking that perhaps it is not real.
Just like every other times, when it is all just in my head.

I’m happy but I’m scared.
I received a message from her via FB couple of days ago.
I was really, really happy but I’m scared if I messed things up again.

Then...

At last I sent that sms.
Now, i know and understand why I feel the way i do.
I think I like him. Maybe.

After that...

I got a call telling that everything is being processed smoothly.
Looks like i’m really a lecturer now.
Still find it hard to believe it.

Later...

Dad wants to take me out scouting for my first car.
The only one I like is Honda CRZ hybrid.
Won’t take anything else but ‘him’.
His my ideal ‘companion’ when i start my new life next year.
Heheheheh....;)

A friend I met on the job interview, messaged me.
We chatted for a while.
Now, I don’t feel at all terrible going to a new place next year.
I’ll have my friend with me.

I’m writing my thesis in my room, overlooking a window...
I could hear clutters outside my room...
My Mom and Dad preparing to break fast.
Actually, I’ve stopped for now...
I’m sms-ing with him whose on the way back from work.

I’m happy. I’m grateful.
I’m scared before... thinking that I am not being grateful enough.
But after I’ve written this down, I feel it in my heart...
Yes, I am grateful.

(^ ^)/ fighting!

^^ good news

2011-08-11T01:19:00.000-07:00

it is official...just received the letter today.
i'll start teaching after graduation next year at a university.
it's by the sea...so i kinda like it there.

i feel happy?
i feel relief?
mix of both, i guess.
I know it's hard to find work nowadays.
i am grateful. ^^

this is something that happens to me.
i hope everybody has sumthing good, sumthing happen, somewhere.
God bless ^^

one second

2011-08-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

When the white curtains danced gently with the morning wind...
Within 5 short meaningless seconds you’d used to get through a door...
Which seconds do you think manage to capture the scene’s brilliance?

I think it was the third second when the sun hit the glass screen amidst the curtains halo...

Looking at a clutter on a desk...
a camera...couple of pencil studs – 6Bs...Sketch book...worn out eraser...and a London bus keychain.
Usual rubbish you’d find at any dreamer’s working place.
These common objects... in these moments...if wasted on a couple of snapshots...
Which do you think makes the best shot?

I think it was when the mind’s eyes see the person crouching low over the desk drawing an imaginary world, occasionally looking at the keychain...
A precious memento...
Makes the best shot of them all.
Just a split second as the thought passes through...before you captured it.

At times like these...sometimes I feel like I can stop time...
Or perhaps, is it just my processing ability a bit slow?
That I can see every second clearly?
The more accurate description I think...it is like I’m swimming in time.
Herm...I just made it worst with that. LOL.

Aside from this...this appreciation moments to see what there is and what they could be...
there are also seconds where I could make change...
seconds where I could avoid a person from getting hurt...
seconds where I could help remedy a sad heart...
seconds where I could make things better...
but most times too, I find myself unable to do so.

That sucks a lot of the time - it's frustrating.
I wish I could do something...
I always tell myself - stop being the observer...
it's hard...

but I'll never stop trying.
I want to understand...
I want to see things for what it is and what it could be...
I want to know a friend for what she is and what she could be...
I want to see the world for what it is and what it can offer.

never stop trying.
I'll live on every seconds I have.

Flight to Mauritius

2011-07-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

The flight to Mauritius took about 10 hours...
which I happily spent gulping down a pill and slept it off.
Now I know, me and airplanes don't go together well. LOL.

But before I was off to dream land, I managed to snap this picture.
To me, the view was simply amazing....

Back at home, yeah, I was always watching the sky...
but here, oh man, i got to see a new face of the sky...
and it was so beautiful...

Sad and happy boxes

2011-07-26T23:49:00.000-07:00

People like to store their emotions in spaces around them.
When they are happy, they look up.
When they are sad, they look down.
These little actions occur unknowingly...
Sometimes unconsciously, to lessen the pain that they are carrying when they are hurt.
To appreciate the feeling of joy when they are happy.

Two very different things...
Two almost the same.

When we look down, it becomes difficult to walk...
A little bump on the road can make you trip...
A little carelessness could get you into trouble.

When you look down, you are avoiding.
You are not facing it.

So, I am telling you.
Next time when something bad happens...
If looking up is too much...
Don’t look down, look forward instead.

If you still have your goal... if you still have your dreams...
If you are still breathing...
Then, look forward – move on.
Living in itself, is trying.

The saying that time will heal everything is a lie.
But with time, the hurt will fade a little.
Just a little...it wouldn’t hurt as much.

That’s the funny thing with the human brain, they remember unimportant details...
Yes, with time.... that is what they will become.

Don’t just hope for a better day.
We both know it won’t work that way.
Go, mope for a day if you have to.
Cry a bucket if you want to.
Eat a tub of ice-cream that is my crazy. Hehehehe...

Then, pick yourself up and look forward.

There will be a day again someday, when you’ll look up.
You won’t be down for forever.
You already know this, so why the drama?
Okay? Great. ^^
Make it a habit to look up and to look forward.
You’ll be fine.

lazy caterpillar

2011-07-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

Air-con’s temp 18 degrees – checked. Remote in sight – checked.
My favourite pillows all stacked up accordingly – checked.
Lappy is on and a folder of new movies and dramas – checked.
My soft-green comforter – checked.
Sunlight – checked. I like a well-lit room during the day.
Me – checked. Specky, hair tie up in a bun with a hair clip upfront, big shirt and shorts. Okay, I’m all set.

Yep, I’m all alone in my room.
Well at this moment, these four walls are my world to me.
That is how it is – how I like to spend my days at home.
Of course, I go out and hang out with my family and friends...
But I can only do this...be like this, at home. No where else.
I feel safe.

My Dad found me one afternoon, curling under my comforter, he laughed and said,
It is difficult for him to believe that this daughter of his just flew 6 thousand km to attend a conference when she is lazy just to find the air-con remote.
Yeah, it’s hard for me to believe too.
Mom understands me very well; too well that she gives me space whenever I’ve retreated to my room.

Confined and imprison it might seem to others, it is so freeing to me.
I’m free to think about anything and not having anyone to interrupt or disagree with me.
I’m free to create whatever world I want in my head.
I’m free to travel anywhere and to be able to bend time – to go to places in my memories and to relive them.
All in the comforts of my room, my home.

I think it is a pity if a person does not know how to enjoy the ordinary things in life...
because it makes the extraordinary much, much more amazing and unforgettable.
My 1st times or my 2nd times, be it the hundredth times...I know I'll be able to enjoy it...
I will enjoy it like it is my 1st time, every time.

Now, that I am attached to university...my time to have a place of my own is near.
I won't be much at home starting next year.
So I want to treasure this moment.

After 17, your home will be just like a hotel.
You come back after a while but just to go out again, into the outside world.

As I'm writing this, I'm also listening to a song I heard a long time...
I remembered the me back then.

Curling under the comforter in front of my lappy...
just like a caterpillar.
I don't know what to call this habit of mine...or should i call it my hobby instead?
is definitely, precious.

Nobel Prize Winner - I met one.

2011-07-15T03:28:00.001-07:00

Professor Dr. Mohammad Yunus

Think differently.
Think creatively.

He won Nobel Laureate for Peace in 2006.

I was standing by the aisle when he walked by.
I was determined to just smile at him...
But then, he reached out his hand to me...
And we shook hands.

That has made all the difference I could ever hope to gain.
He has inspired me.
He has lighted a fire in me.

I have met a Nobel Prize winner.

two feet in one shoe

2011-06-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

I’ve been told that I am very empathetic.
I tend to delve too deep into other people’s shoes, they say.
Maybe, they are right...I don’t know.
Sometimes, I’m not sure anymore...whether what I’m feeling is really mine or somebody else’s...

I’ve been told that I am a good listener.
I listen very well and others feel safe to open themselves up to me, they say.
After I’ve been told several times...they are right, I guess.
I like to share stories when I have one to tell.
I know how satisfying and happy it’ll make you feel to have somebody listening to you...
And some stories just feel more meaningful and more joyful when shared...
I just couldn’t ignore that...
I just could not, not return that favour...

When a friend is sad, how can you not feel her sorrow?
You’ve been down that road before...
It was painful for you, why should it be too for others?
Hold her hands if words are scarce...
Pat her back if a hug is too much...
Give her tissues if tears are cheap for her that day...

When a friend received good news, how can you not celebrate and be genuinely happy for her?
Looking at how hard she works...how focus she is at it...
How can you be nothing but jealous at her success?
No need for expensive cakes or presents...
Just a sincere congratulation topped up with a smile would be enough.

When something bad happened to your friend, how can you not worry?
When your friend cries, how can you not feel something?
You, who cried watching movies which are not even real, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

Communication goes both ways...
We need it as much as the other person needs it.
Stop and listen sometimes...
Don’t listen too much on what your brain has to say when it comes to another...
What matters is you listen to your heart.
Be true, you’ll be a good friend.

When your friend got selected over you... Fine, tell her you are jealous.
But, don’t forget to tell her as well that you are happy for her.
It’s not hard...just take a few minutes to talk to your heart...
Ask your heart what does it feels about it.
Face it.
The answer will come to you on what to do next.

If ever a friend did something wrong...
Please don’t attack her straight on like I did my friend.
Even now, I still regretted that terribly...
Instead ask yourself first, how you feel about it.
Be honest.
Follow your heart.
You’ll be fine.

How many points would you give for love?

2011-04-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

I used to think that once a child has grown up...
She will stop loving her parents unconditionally.
Because when the ‘head’ interferes with the ‘heart’, its ‘analysis’ then, becomes ‘figurative’ and ‘factual’.
But now that I’ve somewhat grown up...I think it’s the opposite.

As a little kid...
Every time Mom took me out shopping for new clothes, my love for her tended to spike really high.
When she cooked my favourite meals...the surprise when she seems to be channelling my ‘stomach’ – picking up ‘cake alerts’ or ‘hungry vibration’ – I felt loved...and cared for.
The hospital stay became bearable each time because I’ll be waiting for her to come through those doors with home-cooked breakfast.
The small things...
Like when she waited with an umbrella outside my class on rainy days...
How she prepares, even now when I am at home...two glasses – one Milo, one cold water – for me at breakfast because I hated the taste of Milo in my mouth after sometimes.

I know Mom feels kind of left out sometimes, when I talk more to Dad about stuff...
So, this is how we connect... I change a little bit of myself around her, not out of pretence, but because I care. I appreciate. I am grateful.
I know Mom well enough now...she can’t handle stress and problem well... she panics easily and I see that not all of my family members understand.
I tell myself always be a part of the solution.
I used to nag at her... but now, I’ve stopped.
Mom, comes what may, if u need me, if you’ve made yet the wrong decision...
No worries, I’ll make everything better.

I’ve stopped counting and waiting for new pair of shoes... I’ve stopped hoping for something in return for anything...
It’s my turn now, to buy you nice things...take you out for dinner... give you pocket money...
Your gray hairs are spreading like wildfire on your head... time is ticking and I want you to smile when you are thinking of me... I want you to brag about me to your friends... I want you to sigh with relief when you get off the phone after talking to me...
I want to do right by you while I still have time...

We go out for a drive a lot... my Dad and me.
Even now, when I go back home... We’ll just naturally find an excuse to go out and explore.
We talk about a lot of things and now, I found myself quoting him in my head when things get tough.
I love it when Dad pays more attention to me than the others...

As a little kid...
The books that he has given me...even though I couldn’t read at that point in time... I always compensate with my wild imagination to understand what it says – because of that I get to ‘travel to places’ and ‘experience many things’.
Dad used to put me to bed every night...
And always...always after a cup of Milo.
The small things...
A pat on the head... coconut he took home for me that he found somewhere... weird –looking bottles that he knows I’d love to have... phrases or news papers cuttings that he knows will interest me...
Beautiful pictures from magazines or calendars...

I remember a map that used to be in my room – sprawled across the wall in front of my study desk that Dad gave me...
A map of the world.
Herm...used to spend a lot of time, gazing up at that map... sometimes, pointing at it with my finger at random to decide which country I shall ‘go to today’...
Our house might be small to others...but it is the whole world to me.
I was never chained down by its walls, thanks to you...
You have taught me that and now, I am passing it on to my students...

Dad, I know you try to buy me everything that I ask of you...
You repeatedly told me how sorry you were when you couldn’t help me with things...
But you know what? Your prayers... and your words when you say, ‘come home, I’ll be waiting’...is more than enough.
We never had a water heater...
Dad prepared hot bath for me during my exam days at school... standing over the stove waiting on the kettle to boil.

In the past...
Occasionally, I had to ‘create’ and ‘build’ some stuff that I want but couldn’t have...
But that’s okay; I have always enjoyed doing things like that...
If you asked me now, I wouldn’t have it any other way...
I am who I am today because of my family.
I don’t need to give them marks on love...
Never there’s a need to, in the first place.

Use the head to remember,
use the heart to return the love, to appreciate and to show that you feel the same.

Graduate Scholar Award

2011-04-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

Dear....,
Thank you very much for applying for the Graduate Scholar Award for Eighteenth International Conference on Learning in Mauritius from 5-8 July. We had many well qualified students apply for the award and are very pleased to inform you that we have selected you as one of our recipients. As a result, you will receive a fee waiver for the conference registration. Additionally, you will be introduced at the conference opening session along with your fellow Graduate Scholar Awardees.

Herm... ^^ been calling Mom and Dad, Dr M, and others all day to share the news. getting this, means I am amount to something right? now i know that persuading others is much more easier than persuading yourself~

if all goes well, i'll be flying out to Mauritius this coming July ^^
Thank you, God. I am really grateful.

LOts of LOVe,
moonshin

Do I even worth anything?

2011-04-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

I acted cool; saying those words like it meant something.
I acted like I know things; as if it is a given since I am older than you.
Naturally, I told you my life’s story.
Without shame, I gave you advices.
Without thinking twice of its effects on you, I spewed a lot of crap about life and dreams.

Have I changed anything from the Me ten years back?
Have I learnt my lesson on the day that I cried in the hall with the blank exam answer sheet in front of me?
Have I changed at all these past several years?
Have I achieved anything?

Why do I feel like I’m still that damn useless girl back then?
Why do I feel like I have yet achieved anything?
Why do I feel everything that I do is meaningless?
Do I even worth anything?

.....

JYJ - THREEvoices

2011-04-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

Kyaaaaa~ (=^ ^=)

Afternoon rain

2011-04-06T01:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up to a pair of big eyes...
Small fingers, small voice.

The movie that I was watching has long ended...
Leaving the wallpaper on the desktop, staring back at me...
I turned it off, absent-mindedly.

You were humming a soft melody...
Felt oddly familiar...was it from a long time ago?

Outside was raining...
Making me feel a little sad...
Such bittersweet feelings,
With a scent of sun.

What was I doing again before I got disconnected from the world?
Yeah...I could only remember faintly I was waiting...
Or was I, giving up?
Couldn’t make up which.
But in that little room with you,
It’s no longer important.

Watching the rain...
With your humming turning into singing...
I focused my heart trying to stop the time...
-to just be.

The rain stopped.
The air – warm and still.
Like a scene in a lonely art gallery,
Holding hands, we stood by the window...
With you, still with that ballad song...
By my side.

The rain might has stopped outside..
But in my world, it is not...
Because to me, you are my rain.

ACCEPTED

2011-04-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

I am pleased to be able to inform you that your paper, has been Accepted for publication in The International Journal of Learning.

The International Journal of Learning is a fully peer-refereed Journal.
Only those papers that are accepted through the refereeing process will be published in the Journal. Our refereeing processes are rigorous,consistent, fair and objective. Each paper is sent to a minimum of two referees for review.

Common Ground journals are internationally recognised and indexed in major
databases around the world. Please visit the Journal website at http://ijl.cgpublisher.com for further information.

You will soon be offered a Publishing Agreement. Once the Publishing Agreement has been accepted you will be requested to upload a final version of your paper for typesetting and publication.

We look forward to receiving your final submission.

just thought i'd share this with u =)
-moonshin-

So, I waited - like a fool, I waited.

2011-04-02T07:17:00.000-07:00

People can be really cruel at times.

I can take blows pretty well, I tell you.
Not my first and I’m sure that’s the case for you as well.
Most times I can just shrug it off with ‘This thing happens...’ or...
‘Just not my lucky day...’
I guess, it’s my way to protect myself from getting hurt...

But as I sat, waiting...outside the office...
Occasionally looking at my watch...counting...
30 minutes passed into 60...
60 soon turned to 90.
I sat there in the middle of other people’s lives – it felt as if mine, alone has stopped.
Even the huge office has nothing more for me to explore with my pair of eyes.

I felt their questioning gazes burned at the back of my head...
I just ignored them.
Then, a song was playing from one of the many cubicles there...
And I thought to myself, it has been long time since I’d last listened to a live-broadcast radio station...

He hurt my pride.
They hurt my pride.
I don’t have many...but they have hurt me that day.
The Me that was working so hard and so sincerely for what I believe to be true...
For what has been taught to me growing up...
For asking what is rightfully mine.
They made me wait.
He made me wait.

I focused my gaze onto my shoes.
Rather than looking like a pair that was just bought 2 months ago, it looked more like last years’ reject.
We’ve worked hard these couple of months, haven’t we?
You and I, we’re a great team aren’t we?

Thinking back on it now...
I was saying those words just in my head but I felt my throat burning just the same...
The song was definitely not helping...
I tried my best to hold it in...
I’d looked really lame if they found me crying here like an idiot, I said to myself.

A couple escaped my determination – I quickly wiped them clean...
Cursing and blaming the song as I did.
Why the hell am I getting emotional here, I thought to myself.

Couldn’t help it...
I felt like storming out of there...
I felt like shouting at the guy who caused all of this...
I felt like quitting...
But as ignorant as I am, I know I am at their mercy...
To lose my temper not only will cost me my future but it will also affect others around me...
The thought of home at that time, magnified to full scale that I felt I can’t hold it in much longer...

Feeling helpless...
It’s worst than what I have ever felt so far...

Suddenly, a student of mine turned up and greeted me from behind.
I took a deep breath, returned the greetings and smiled before she was gone out of the door.

My watch showed 15 minutes to 4 o’clock.
I’ve waited for 2 hours.
Rather than my heart, my rational mind took much more persuasion to keep me from walking away.
He told me to wait.
So I waited.

Then, suddenly he was walking towards me with the letter in his hand.
He apologized for keeping me waiting...
“Don’t worry about it and thanks a lot for this”
I gave him a warm smile and he smiled back.
Then I was gone.

I was hurt.

Cute ^^

2011-03-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Apul wrote this in FB when i wished him good luck for his job interview.

"terima kasih banyak-banyak..nanti klu dpt duit lebih dari keje ni,apul pergi zaaba bawak saf gi jalan-jalan guna sports car..ok?"

*"thank you so much...if i got a lot of extra money from this job, i'll go to zaaba (my college) and take you out in a sports car, ok?"

hahahhahahah...too cute~
i simply just gotta share this with the world ^^
kinda reminds me of promises that I used to hear when I was little...

Thanks, Apul.
you put a smile on my face today.

walking on dreams

2011-03-14T03:54:00.000-07:00

The usual threesome was foursome today.
I have Lil Rayyan accompanied me to the bus station.
I kissed my Lil Guy and bid Mom goodbye before I hoisted my packs and started walking towards the all-so-familiar bus, waiting nearby.
Dad was close at my heels.
I have this principle not to let Dad carry my bags.

He was talking about this book written by Tun Mahathir.
He wants me to buy it for him and that he’ll pay me back.
The usual scenes should involve me with a wide grin plastered on my face at the talk of ‘reimbursement’.
I always charged mine, EXTRA. Hehe~

But this time around, something, somewhere has definitely changed.
Because the next thing I said was...
“Nah, you don’t have to pay me back. Because now, this daughter of yours is already a working young woman”.

With that, I kissed Dad’s hand, smiled, waved him goodbye and boarded the bus.
Am I cool or what? LOL

I sat on my seat – the 5th – then, placed my laptop next to mine...
The bus started moving...I closed my eyes and hit the ‘play’ button on my mp3.
I added a couple of new songs 2 days back but never really got the chance to listen to it properly.
Somehow...
even though I was really immersed in the songs that I was listening to...
But the pictures that came to my mind were not of those from MVs or movie OSTs...
It was some of mine.

I don’t need to open my eyes to ‘see’ my hometown.
I know every street and every corner...
I used to explore them – alone – riding my bicycle.

Today, I had my boots on.
The kind that Jaejoong would like to wear.
But that is not the reason why I bought them in the first place.
I bought them because I like them and I want to wear them.

If I tell you that the scenes where I said those words to my Dad and me walking in a pair of boots are one of my many dreams....
Will you laugh at me? Or are you, at the moment already laughing?

I guess, if you did, that’s just understandable.
I mean...who would say that to own a pair of boots is like having a dream comes true?
Just weirdoes. Just weirdoes....

I am one of those weirdoes.
I just, am.

To me, living is like waking up to unlimited possibilities of my dreams coming true.
The 24-year-old-me has witnessed some of it coming true enough times in the past, to always look forward to the future....
No matter how dark...how uncertain it looks like from where I am standing now.

The day Mom and Dad bought me my 1st laptop...
The day they gave me a platinum bracelet as a coming-of-age present...
My first ever love-letter...
To have the chance to meet my Idol...
To have my name printed on an article...
My first ever salary...
The day I took my parents shopping...
To be able to pay for my lil sis’s concert ticket...
To have a surprise birthday party...
To have a cute lil nephew...
Sis getting married...
etc.

These are all my dreams-came-trues.
I have 2 more to add to the list, I suppose.
And many more to add in the future.
One of my students promises me that he’ll dedicate a song – his own creation of a piano piece – to me soon.
I can’t wait - another thing to look forward to. =)

I arrived at approximately 10.00 am...
in the heart of the city of KL...
With my pair of boots on...
I was definitely walking on air....
Walking on dreams.

no i love u or u love me back

2011-03-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

Between an idol and a fan.
The relationship is clear and simple...
But yet, true.

He sings and the fan enjoys his performance.
At times, when the magic starts working...
The fan will feel a part of the idol’s world...
A place of just hope and dreams.

There is no expectation.
No I love you or you love me back.
A relationship consists of just those magical moments.

Sometimes I think, I’m ‘hiding’ behind Jaejoong.
I might say, ‘Let love lead the way’...
but quite the opposite, I feel things are better the way they are.
Nobody feelings will get hurt.
I’m just a fan and that’s it.
But in reality, relationship is often unclear and complicated.
I hate that.

I just want to go to Jaejoong’s concert and enjoy myself.
That’s it.
About relationship other than this one?
Let’s wait it out a bit, okay?
At least until I am ready.

gift for my 24th

2011-02-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

‎"I don't have any gift to give to u on this special day....
but i just want u to knw that I'm so proud of u...
always remember that..."

best birthday gift ever from a father to a daughter...

Dad, u've given me the ultimate gift long time ago...
my life.

so i should be the one thanking u.

funny how i could write something like this in my blog
considering how i was such a brat growing up.
i never thought i could be and feel this thankful towards my parents.

i guess as a kid, being ignorant has it perks...
but growing up, to be able to see things is much more important.

(first photo by patrick and second photo by trewheeler)

i see 'you'

2011-02-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

i 'see' people without looking at their age, gnder,
race, nationlity, status n background -
just pure nudity of their personality.

i see 'you' -
no more, no less.

so i will not pretend to be someone else and
i will not judge...
just as you don't need to pretend
when u r with me. ^^

some things just never change...

2011-02-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

i'm not good in dealing with changes...
i'll either put on a blind eye or avoid it altogether.

at this age, i know that i'm not suppose to act like this...
but yesterday, i discovered that some things will never change...
for example, family.

like always...
coming home for the holidays, my lil sis and I always cook some midnight snack.
munchies, for when we watched our long-awaited program on TV.
Last night...was spicy, tuna-sandwich with cheese and chocolate lava from secret recipe.
herm...'heavy' huh?
yep, i can totally see that when i get on the scale. LOL^^

Dad was reading the newspaper in the living room.
Mom was watching us cook (lil sis doing all the cooking actually...LOL).
She sat at the bottom of the stairs with me, munching away cheese which at first, she refused.
Mom always like that...she refuses then, suddenly, the cake you saved in the fridge, magically disappeared.

We talked and we joked around.
Dad, Mom, Lil Sis and me.
I've missed this scene...
I took advantage of the moment getting everybody to laugh by ridiculing lil sis.
sorry, na...hahhahah...LOL
I took them all down memory lane...
Laughing at the things which was once totally not funny.
We laughed at Mom and her usual 'craziness' which Dad always ended up as the victim.

We laughed openly like friends at a gathering.
We also look forward to the future - discussing lil sis departure for Japan next year.
That was good...a promise hung for more memories and stories to share and laugh about in the future.

i'm glad...
some things just never change.
so, i'm loving life even more. ^^

Love OST

2011-01-22T10:19:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl...
My OST for love goes like this...

“When I fall in love, it will be forever...”
“Or I’ll never fall in love”
“In a restless world like this is...love is ended before it begun”

But now...
This is my OST for love.

“Take my life. Take me for what I am”
“Coz I’ll never changed all my colours for you”
“Take my love. I’ll never asked for too much”
“Just all that you are and everything that you do”

Different?
Or is it the same?

Honestly,
I’m not sure about it myself either.
It’s just that...
The fact that the OST has changed...
Has made all the difference in my life.

Me with Jaejoong^^

2011-01-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

Hahahaha...bored, obviously. ^^
I was supposed to do some work...
But Jaejoong's calendar on my desk attracted my attention so much.
Naturally, i just reached for my handphone and started taking pictures.
This one...... it's accidental. hahahahahha

text message...

2011-01-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Today while I was in class, I received a text message...
From one of my friends.
She is in campus for a visit.
My first instinct was to decline and I did.
But she texted me back saying the offer still stands if I ever have a change of heart.

Honestly...
I prefer staying in my room...listening to songs...or go to the convenient shop to buy some vanilla ice-cream to watch Korean drama with...
Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with the crowd...
They make me laugh so hard every time...my cheeks are red.

Then, there is this...well, ‘tendency’ of mine...
I am a chameleon.
I’ll be whatever character that is not yet taken.
If the crowd already have a jokester, then I’ll be the one that laughs at the joke the hardest.
If the new girl seems to be struggling and lonely, then I’ll be her kind and helpful new friend.
Since, my crowd is very loud...so I tend to be quite – the listener.
I don’t know what me.
So I always thought that I’m doing them a favour by staying away – I don’t want to bring the atmosphere down.

After the class has ended, I catch my usual bus ride.
I kept reading that text message.
Thoughts like...
Maybe she just asks me out of politeness...
Maybe they need more bodies to get the party going on...
Then again...
Why am I being so calculative?
There is a whole new world going on outside my own.
Mine will still be there even if I left it for a couple of hours, right?

Herm...^^

In the end, I texted her back saying that I’ll join in too.
And you know what?
I’m glad that I did.

words...unspoken - hurt.

2011-01-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

I was reprimanded by my sister yesterday.
Obviously, I needed it.
I didn’t know that the situation got so bad when I left home.
Her words made me pick up the phone and called Mom,
To say... I’m sorry.

I noticed that...again...
Words have power.
Things wouldn’t have gone so bad if I could just say what is on my mind...
I’m sure then, Mom would have understand and listened.
Most of the time, we did this to ourselves
Expecting others to know our words without us, telling them.

Most of the time,
Words go, unspoken.
What’s left is the feeling of being wronged and alienated.

Now I know...and I think you know too...
That this is the truth.

Don’t just stop
With the words stuck in your throat...
Don’t stop without you even really try.
Say what is on your mind...

It’ll be okay...
those who really cared, will listen.

Sky, Me and 'Epitone Project'

2011-01-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

herm...been a long time since i last uploaded picture of my favourite-sky.
so here's one ^^
i won't used words to describe how i feel today...
this pic will tell you how i feel...

am listening to 'epitone project' as i wrote this post...
fits the mood just right...
hope you guys will have a wonderful day ahead of you =)

lots of love,
moonshin.

I smiled.

2011-01-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

I scored a cool shirt yesterday while I was out on my usual trips into town.
A little bit of ‘Me time’ to clear my head.
The front reads ‘Same shit, different day’...
On some days...you don’t know how much THAT echoed my mood...
Can’t wait to wear that to class.

I got flagged down by a couple of salesmen...
God... the things they’d say just to get you ‘hoodwinked’...
“You are 23? Really? You look 19 to me”
“Still single? I’m single too~”
“Are you mixed-blood?”
Of course, I’m not born yesterday...I got away with polite ‘No, thanks’.
Small part of me was sincerely sorry...
Rejection is never easy.

I bought a pair of new wedges.
The one I had in mind was actually something different.
I did try that one on but it didn’t look good on me...
The assistant recommended me to get the wedges instead.
He helped me put it on...
I don’t know why but I felt a little flutter in my heart just then.
Herm...heels and wedges.
Sexy and nice.
A bit hurt there...

As usual, I stopped by my favourite shop.
Everything is Japanese goods.
Last time, I bought an umbrella.
This time around, I bought ‘something’ as presents for my best friend.
(She reads my blog regularly – don’t want to ruin the surprise)

On my way back on the monorail...
I saw a guy traded places with his girl – he didn’t want her to sit next to another guy.
My thought was that is nice.
My trip to town is really precious to me.
I enjoy browsing through the shop’s windows...
Listening to mp3 as I go...
But...I won’t mind having someone beside me.
That is what I thought.
Actually, I still think that way.

But as I waited for his reply...the ‘Me’ that is now...
Is tired of it...tired to play the game...
Tired to have butterflies flying around in the stomach.
So I deleted his number.
Even though, he did reply.

As I sat by the window of the bus...
As it carried me back to my college...
With the cool wind on my face...songs of love pounded merrily in my ears...
As my heart sang along with a smile painted on my face...
I saw the bus driver smiled back at me...
Despite my decision...
I am happy.
That is all that matters.

Maggie pancake =)

2010-12-22T06:01:00.000-08:00

I was rummaging through the kitchen cabinets late last night –
searching for that red packet and all the while,
tried my hardest to remember that recipe...
the one I learnt while I was in Indonesia.

A packet of curry instant noodles, an egg... I was all set.

Hye...
I remembered doing something like this before...
When I was 17, I drew a portrait.
Acting on a mere impulse...drowned in the moment...I let my pencil danced across the paper.
Now 23...I let my mind wandered around the kitchen...
I saw past shadows of meals for 6 being cooked...
And last night, I've yet again left my mind on a journey...
Only with feelings, I let my hands worked around the stove for the first time...

i like my noodles to be soft... but Dad prefers his to be 'stringy'...
and so does Mom.
Mom didn't eat much of dinner and Dad kept opening the fridge just to close it back again...
Herm.... =)

30 minutes later...
i headed upstairs with my pancake in one hand...a glass of cold water in the other...
with a grin, bigger than ever...
i poked my head inside my parents' room...

"Feelin' hungry?"

this is something that they usually do for me.
Mom, always alert to my sudden hungry pangs at night...
at times magically appeared at my bedroom door, carrying a plate of fried noodles...fish-fillet...pancakes...nuggets...sausages...cookies...
Dad, sensing my restlessness...
at the right moment...offer a cup of Milo to soothe me to sleep.

this time around...let me be the one who do it for you.

that twinge of happiness...my old Nokia.

2010-11-25T05:18:00.000-08:00

in all 23 years of my life...
i have only used 2 handphones.
the first, was a Nokia.
the second, is a SonyE which i'm currently using.
however, if only my Nokia wasn't broken, i think i'll keep using it even in the year 2050.
because....it means something to me...
even now...
i really like that handphone.

i'm not doing an advert on handphones here...
but most people chooses handphones for its functions, features and brand...
eventhough my first handphone was a present from my Mom and Dad,
but i think it chose me instead of me choosing it.

just thinking about it, gives me that twinge of happiness...
i haven't had that feeling in a long time...
and i kind of missed it today.

while i busied myself pretending not to look for that 'face'...
i kept thinking of my old Nokia...
the one that i used to keep close beside me every night...
the one with my favorite ringtone in it...
the one with that special 'smiley' i received...
the one filled with precious 'saved messages'...
the one i held when i jumped up and down in my room...
the one that made me smile all day...i just couldn't stop.

in the end, i did find him.
the split second where i permitted myself to look over and then quickly turned away...
i could feel myself smiling widely to the person i was actually talking to.

when i let go of my old nokia, i thought some part of me left along with it.
i was afraid where the part that felt like a 'stumped' won't ever 'grow' back.
i'd rather choose not to than to not be able to...
there's a difference.

what i like most about my old Nokia was its blue light.
it shines in the dark every time a new message was in...
and for every single time when it did, without fail...i felt that twinge of happiness.

i felt that too, today.

picture by yun popnut (flickr.com)

like we always did...my sister and me.

2010-11-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

my Mom called me earlier this morning.
she told me that my sister has started going into labor...
looks like my first nephew is ready to go out into the world.
been waiting for this day, since i first heard the news that my sis is pregnant.
feels different when your sister is getting a baby than when it is your brother...

i'm not good with little kids...i can't make silly faces to get them to smile...
i don't know how and i don't even try.
but this time around...for this little boy...i'll try.
i can't wait to see you in the 'lil cow' clothes that i've bought you...
with that hoodie attached at the back and the stuffed black-tail at the bottom...

i went back home last weekend.
and for the longest time that i could remember...
we talked...my sister and i.
like we always did...like we always had... when we were little.
lying on the bed...we shared stories until dawn.

we talked about life...how things have turned out different from the way we planned it to be...
she's married now and about to have a baby...i think, you are lucky in this part, Sis.
brother Su is great...and having a family is great.

though it's a little regretful and sad how you said that you stuck with your current job...
to me, it's like you have given up on dreams.
i felt a twinge in my stomach when you said that...
because i couldn't imagine my life without one.
i hope you'll find it again someday.
and this time around, make it real...with the support from your family.
even when you've reached 30 or 40...it's not too late. never too late.
it's just that, i'll get my MA before you. heheheheh...

our family is getting bigger.
hope, everything will be fine...
i'll wait for the good news patiently and i'll come home as soon as i can.
all the best, Sis...

from an annoying brat to a hot-tempered teenager...
from someone's wife to the mother of my first nephew...
you've grown okay.

i'll see you soon.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

somebody out there

2010-11-15T04:02:00.000-08:00

i like it when my friends call me to tell their days stories.
new happenings...new gossips...new BF...
sad stories...happy stories....anything that is weighing on their hearts.
i'll be happy on their part...
i'll be sad on their part too.

i think, God created the world with so many people to show that we are not alone.
i can't imagine living in an isolated world - i'll live but not actually 'living'.

i talk all the time with my roommate.
eventhough, i have only known her for about 6 months but, we could share anything between ourselves.
i really enjoy that.

my best friend sent me a MMS - picture of her license the day she got it.
i was really happy that she shares that with me.
even more that we are now far apart and i didn't get to see her much since i continued my study.

my big sis call me often to update me on my first nephew.
i must say i can't wait to meet Rayyan - i'm gonna spoil him rotten =)

one of my coursemate shares her big news with me today.
actually i have known about it through FB but still i was wondering when she would tell me personally.
she did. just a tad bit late. that's okay =)

my Mom call me regularly to complain about Dad or about her days up at the stall joint.
Dad call mostly just to inform me if any mail has arrived for me at home.
but we SMS often.

i talk a lot with my lil sis. can't wait to go back for this holiday to catch up on some stories.
i'll get to be a king when she's around - i order her around but she never say no to me.

i gain new good friend at the start of term - we chat online almost everyday eventhough we see each other all the time in class.
she's crazy...well, i'm too =)

why am i writing this down?
just to show you that somebody is out there - for you to talk to and be heard.
just reach out and be that good friend, daugther and sister you hope to be.

then others will be the same to you.

you don't have to be alone.

lots of luv,
moonshin

a gift from twitter =)

2010-11-12T07:18:00.000-08:00

tomorrow will be my last exam for this semester.
while i was feeling worried and anxious, my hp suddenly alerted me to one of Jaejoong's tweet.
and this is how it goes...

"There are so many waves crashing down on us. Though the road we must travel down is so far and long, we must not stop.. The moment we do, we will be giving up on the road to becoming adults and we'll fall into a bottomless abyss. Though we are just beginning to experience what it's like to become adults, I want us to step into a bigger world that we can't see yet with the best weapon we could hope to have, the fact that we are still young.Let's all be strong^^ I'm always thankful!"

by, Kim Jaejoong.

i'm sharing this tweet because i've received strength from it.
hope it'll help you too.

moonshin.

moments with rain

2010-11-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

i was busy taking pictures of the sky and rain
that i've forgotten all about my clothes hanging outside.
and as the rain gained its momentum, my clothes steadily get soaked up by all the water.

hahahhahah...the clotheslines is just outside my window, you see.
and i was taking pictures by my window....haiiiiz~
why, oh why, i couldn't piece the two together?
rain + clothes = wet clothes = pain in the ass

oh well, think i'll go and find something to eat after this.
ciao.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

small life in the concrete floor

2010-11-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

i was waiting for the bus (as usual...)
when i suddenly noticed something green has sprung out from the bus stand's floor.

too absorbed with own thinking, sometimes makes us missed things...
the wind was blowing...suddenly, i remembered a familiar memory such as this one...
i was waiting too - a younger me...
herm....

it was a small plant.
or would you rather call it a small tree?
nuh, i don't think so. it only has a few leaves, you see.

so fragile - but yet, manages to worm out of the tiled floors.
the way i see it, it is kind of incredible.
works hard just to be able to bathe in sunshine...

"hard for you too, huh?"

i guess, it hasn't been easy for anybody.
life, that is.

"but, i shouldn't give up huh?"
"ok. i'll keep looking up at the sky and move forward".

"you should too"

my weakness - sweet smile =)

2010-11-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

you guys know that i like JYJ's jaejoong, right?
i think i have well established that part. =)
pretty obvious - as you can see from my blog.
his picture is larger than mine.

my sister jokingly said that she's going to find me a guy that look like jaejoong.
i was like, "ok.....". Goooood luck.....how is it possible to find that 'face' here or anywhere else?
it's not like its on sale at Giant or something. Hahahah~

anyway, i can't really say what's my type actually is...
if i like the guy, than he's my type. only then, i can really specify.
however, i've noticed from the past that i have sort of a weakness towards guys with sweet smile.

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA~LOL!
Oh, God! this is so embarrassing!

* am melting *

lots of luv,
moonshin.

love?

2010-10-31T05:04:00.001-07:00

i used to fall in love with the idea of love itself.
the butterflies in the stomach...the goofy grin....
...the happily ever after....

but now...herm, how should i say this?
i'm happy the way i am.
i'm in love with my dreams.
i wanna go and see the world!

to force me...
it will only make me feel like waking up in the morning but still thinking of the dream i had last night.
trust me, 'mine' was beautiful.
my first - it was short and sweet. but that's just life.... ;)

ask me again in about 10 years time, k?
LOL.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

(p/s: i bought this umbrella at a japanese-merchandise shop. cute huh? always wanted one. lucky i found that shop! damn cheap too! (^ ^)

i'm lucky number 7!

2010-10-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

it took me years to understand about myself.
but it took only a couple of seconds for FB to summarize the whole thing for me.

i did a quiz on FB to find out my lucky number.
i was deemed with the lucky number 7 and here is the description that goes with it:

"People with lucky number 7 is peaceful and have an affectionate soul and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength in number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; they will garner knowledge from practically every source that they find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, they don't exit a premise untill they have dissected the subject and arrived at their own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. They need a good deal of quite time to be with their own inner thoughts and dreams."

my first expression was of shock. "OMG..."
my fav part was the last bit.
"need a good deal of quite time to be with own inner thoughts and dreams".
that's true.
i find that excursions or just long walks in the evenings...accompany with some music...helps me clear my mind - to be at peace.
i need to think things through about why i do the things i do.
it calms me to be able to understand things.

but that studious part is not true.
people read for exams, but i just want to know things - to argue about it.
i seldom share these inner thoughts with anyone- they are so private.
even if i disagree in class, i rather keep them to myself (have too many experiences where i shared them, it didn't go too well....).
that's why when my supervisor read my thesis proposal, i couldn't look at her straight in the face for a week. because i felt naked - like she could see what i'm thinking.
it's better now - she is so supportive for a weird student like me.

i open every 'channel' 24/7.
even when i look at the trees...the grass...people... they look different every time.
it feels as though i'm capturing pictures to be stored and used when it needs be.
i never restrict myself.
i find the details beautiful...
i never read newspaper. what i know is from the people around me.
i learn from comic books, songs, advertisement, even the wrapping packages at the back of a milk carton.

i deleted every assignments that i have done at the end of every semester.
i don't like to recycle.
i want to always be able to come up with something new.
i like to dream and think of something interesting.
when i solve problems, i prefer to consider everything - what people have done, does not make it the best way to solve it.

well, that's just me.
i want to equate myself with this number.
coz i think, i like it.
what's your number?

lots of luv,
moonshin.

another beautiful-ordinary day

2010-10-30T01:22:00.000-07:00

the journey back from Time Square to college was uneventful.
despite it being saturday, i managed to get a seat as soon as i stepped into the train.
with my mp3 popped in...listening to JYJ's newest album...
i just looked out through the window - taking in the scenery outside.

i've just finished my first exam yesterday.
so this outing was actually a break for me from all the studying and work.
been planning it for weeks...almost calling it quits but my roommate talked me into it.
worth the journey - i feel refreshed. Thanks :)u know me well.

i hold onto the white plastic bag in my hand with care - don't want anything to happen to it.
inside, there's JYJ's album + Jaejoong's poster + Jaejoong's calender + keychan.
needless, to say...i'm beyond happy.

just a month ago, i would never think that i'll be meeting JYJ in person.
after TVXQ got disband... never thought the threesome would come to Malaysia...
but then, there i was at the showcase - shouting jaejoong's name with a red light stick in my hand.
n today, i bought their album which i thought 'mirotic' would be the last...

seems meaningless to u? well, i understand completely - you are not a fan.
but to me it is a big deal.
this is life, i guess.
unexpected and so many possibilities.

today, the beauty of living hit me so hard...i felt overwhelmed with gratefulness.
Yesterday and today was beautiful.
i know tomorrow will be too if i work hard.
just as jaejoong made it possible to come out with this album.

ganbarimasu!! (meaning, 'i'll work hard' in japanese)

lots of luv,
moonshin.

nobody is a superman

2010-10-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

my father is a superman.
i think it's because he is my father, he has to be one.
the one who protects...
the one who always give in...
the one who guide us with what he knows about life.
he cares for me. he cares for our family.

the life that he has given me - might be small and insignificant to others -
but it is so beautiful to me.
there is so much possibility in just 'living' - i want him to know...
that he is a superman, at least to me.

he never cries...
but Dad, you can cry now...
because this time around, i'll be your superman.

i'm spouting nonsense, huh?
but you know what i think?
i think, people are the strongest when they think for others.
i might not be the typical superman that you read in comic books...
i'm not clark kent.
i'm not bullet-proof - i'll get hurt easily.
but the 'me' now, is stronger than i was before.
i'll protect those who are important to me and i'll reach my dreams.

if in another minute, something happens and i'm not a superman anymore.
i'll look at the past, present and the future...
i'll just look around - glance at the sky...
the life around me.

i'll be a superman, again. much powerful than before.

new day

2010-10-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

i'm walking my own path...
slowly-step by step towards my dream destination...
where my ideal self stands.

each new day brings me closer...
promise awaits.
dreams keep on blooming like fireworks in celebration.
i have never felt such peace with myself...

i'll work hard today too ;)

keep your dreams alive

2010-10-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

growing up...
i've lost my way a couple of times.
stumbled up upon a wall - couldn't see what's on the other side.
seemed meaningless - to keep on waking up in the morning just for the sake of living.

sounds lame to you?
but that's how it felt for me during those times.

my dreams are me - without them there's no me.
like a photographer with an expensive camera but without any inspiration.

keep on dreaming - keep the dreams alive.
don't find a hole to burry yourself in...
coz that will be the end of you - and you know it.

i have many dreams.
and within each new day, new ones are born...some are granted.
but for some that weren't, i'll keep them alive.

i promise myself this....
i'll keep on dreaming.

JYJ Showcase last sunday - one of the best days of my life!

2010-10-19T22:26:00.001-07:00

i was jumping and screaming like crazy during the showcase!
so happy to finally be able to meet my idol - jaejoong.

apart from the obvious reasons - handsome, sexy, heavenly voice, hot dance steps and his six packs -
why do i like him so much?

that's another story for another day k?
want to do it justice.

lots of luv,
moonshin.

Sunday....!!!!

2010-10-13T04:51:00.000-07:00

hehehehhe...
i'm skipping work....
not in the mood.
i'm bored...
so here it goes.
hehehehhehe...

can't wait for Sunday to come!

lots of luv,
moonshin.

Dreams come true

2010-10-11T04:44:00.000-07:00

picture by moonjazz (flickr.com)

i got so many plans lined up for the day when i received my first pay cheque.
but before that faithful day arises,
i've spent my money-less days browsing through countless online-shopping websites...
i even took down some notes on them if i found the products pretty...

sad? pathetic? uh huh, i know.

i wasted hours imagining the clothes that i would buy...the shoes...the bags...that gray jeans that i've been meaning to buy since last semester...
suddenly, for no reason, i started finding faults with my pair of jeans.

Want to know the truth?
when the day finally arises, i did none of the above.
the switch turned 'off' - i forgot my shopping list.
i went straight home.
went shopping with my parents...
new handbag and blouse for Mom...framed picture of a beautiful scenery and a collar t-shirt for Dad.
i gave them both other 'presents' too.

then, i went out for lunch with my best friend...
planned an outing with my favourite nieces on the weekend...
paid half for my lil sis's concert ticket this coming sunday...

it has always been a dream for me to take my parents out - shopping.
to be able to pay for them...to me, is a big achievement.
i want to be able to buy them things.
i want to be able to help when they needed help.
and that is what happened yesterday before i went back to campus.
i was able to help my parents.
my dream came true....

i am still in my 'incomplete' stage but slowly...
i'm nearing my 'complete' stage.
the metamorphosis will end someday....

i will keep this feeling close to my heart, always... because the 'me who is giving'...
i like this 'girl'.
this part of me is complete.
i'm keeping her.

that girl....

2010-10-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

i left my childhood self at the door, every time i went out into the world.
to be able to walk forward - i discarded her kinda carelessly.
to me, she's a hindrance - a weakness. a baggage.

but lately, i find myself thinking about that girl...
that girl, who burried wishes in the front garden...
who stayed up late at nights just to listen to a music chart that she didn't even understand...

highlight of my MA 1st semester!

2010-09-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

i'm going to meet my idol soon!
he's coming for a concert this october!
i can't wait!
i'm gonna line up this sunday for the tickets.
lucky my pay-check just came through.

hye, i've used way too many '!' in this post.
just so psyched!

i think i'll have trouble sleepin already tonight...
and thats like...two weeks before the concert...
can't imagine what kinda state i'll be in when it's only tomorrow ;)

life been kinda crazy, busy, hectic and MONOTONE lately...
i like reading, doin research, studying and stuff...
that's why i've signed up for my MA in the first place, and i'm planning for PhD too.
but not all the time! come on...
gurl need a break here ;)

thank u for this...anyone out there...you guys too...

tomorrow comes like it has always been...
with the sun up in the sky...

am glad to be alive ;)
simple as that.

lots of luv, moonshin.

p/s he's my fav out of the 3....LOL! ;)

i'm not a superman

2010-09-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

i'm not a superman.
i can't fly.

i'm not a superman.
i can get hurt.
i hurt pretty bad sometimes.

i'm not a superman.
i'm not bulletproof.
words sometimes are worst that bullets.

i'm not a superman.
i don't have super hearing or super eye-sight.
i'm not super anything.
sorry if i can't read between the lines or detect the signs.

i'm not a superman.
and at times, i need help too.
there's too many bad guys in the world, i cant fight them all as the ordinary me.

i'm not a superman.
he can't cry.
i cry. sometimes.
when things got so bad. when things got so good.
i don't feel like i deserved them.

i'm not a superman.
please, remember that.

Photo by Aida7 i'M baCk!! at flickr.com

my one and only Mom

2010-09-19T04:09:00.000-07:00

Mom ate too much food since the start of the festival...
feeling its after effects soon later, she had her time suffering from unmeasureable amount of uncomfortableness;
light-headedness, stomachache, heart-burn, you name 'em and she'd say she have 'em.

mostly things that have got something to do with the middle region.

she's been groaning and complaining non-stop.
but of course, none of us took it too seriously to make a fuss out of it.
just the usual nodding and concerned look (the "uh-huh, i know your pain" look)
it's just my Mom's way of fishing sympathy from the crowd.
god, if she ever finds out what i'm telling the world these days...
hahahahahhahaha!

me, heart of ice, remain as always the royal observer.
watched through the whole proceeding unfolding before my very eyes...herm, too familiar.
deja-vuish, even.
are we up for the usual ending or are we not?
funny things might cropped out unexpectedly - knowing my Mom.

but first allow me to explain.
what normal is not normal for our family.
so if the ending is unexpected to you guys, it is to us.
heheheheheh....(hye, i'm in a good mood today...herm, wonder why?)

okay, on with the story.
My Mom's not feeling so well, so the usual next scene must be something of a doctor's office or colored looking pills or a glass of ENO at least, don't you think?
to release the 'uncomfortableness'.

My Mom went to bed early last night.
curious of her 'cure'...i tiptoed into her bedroom (aha!).
i discovered two of her 'secret medicine' that faithful night.
as soon as i stepped in, i was a hit by a strong wave of her rubbed oil ('axe' brand, if any of you guys are from Asia, you might have heard of it...hahahaha).
by the side of her bed, there was also an almost empty glass.
i took a sip and there you go, i know the answer to the riddle.

i went downstair to the kitchen and openned the fridge.
there, sitting at the top shelves, was a half-empty bottle of 7-up.
her cure.
hahahhahahahah...shoulda known better. simple - saves you the trip to the doctor's.
she believes the oil is like a cure for ANYTHING. she uses it for EVERYTHING.

once, when she was in high-school.
her period-pain got so bad, she drank a couple drops of that oil.
the oil is meant for EXTERNAL USE only and for joint pains, not period pains.

gotta admit, that pretty hardcore. ahahahahhaha....
well, she's my one and only Mom;)

a bottle of candy

2010-08-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

if...for every scarred hearts that we healed,
turned into a candy...
will mine fill a whole bottle?

have i ever helped anyone?
have i ever 'healed' anyone?

the funny thing is, sometimes this healing works accidentally...
unconsciously...in the spur of the moment...
when you are no longer thinking...
only to feel.

this morning, i received a text message from a close friend of mine.
"I read what you wrote for Yat on FB. i dunno, suddenly I missed you".
although what i wrote on Fb was for someone else but it felt as though,
i've healed another.
i must have done something right to deserve this little joy...

Perhaps, my bottle is not even close to half.
a quarter? maybe...
please, do not be empty....

i believe in helping those who asked for help.
i find it hard to turn them down every time...
because by helping them, i feel like i'm preparing for a rainy day.
i hope that when my worst day comes, somebody will be there with a smile to help me through.

i hope, my bottle will be full someday.

something, somewhere.

2010-08-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

(today, while waiting for the bus)

I thought I was being optimistic.
Whenever something bad happens, I never let it destroys me.
I always believe that somehow, everything will pull through…
Somehow, everything will work out for the better, and not the other way around.
Even when it didn’t, I always pat myself in the back for having a job well done…
“You’ve done well. Let’s work harder next time” I’d say to myself.
“It’s okay, don’t give up”.

Whenever something difficult popped out its head around the corner,
I always see the possibility of rising above it.
Even when I’m not prepared, I just used my guts to get through with it.
And at times like that, my name really feels like magic words…
Whisper it slowly so that only I could hear…
Restores the faith in me.

but not anymore.

What has happened to me?
Why am I here feeling like this?
Was being optimistic was actually a lie to protect myself from getting hurt?
Was I that weak of a person?

The “me” 7 years back, was not the same as who I am today.
Something, somewhere along the way I have changed.
This gradual change happened without me being aware of it.
It scares me.

Without realizing it, somewhere along the line…
I’ve stopped taking risks.
Somewhere along the line, I’ve stopped being honest with myself.
But knowing the price that I have to pay to protect myself…
By losing who I really am…
That is not something that I’m willing to do, ever.

I want my hand to stop shaking.
I want to feel the rush of adrenaline when the risk I took, paid off.
I missed it so much that my everyday life right now seems meaningless…
and that pains me so much...
i can't be "myself".

7 days to graduation...

2010-08-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

Needless to say i'm excited! ;)

never thought, i'd feel this way...
before i went to DECTAR to get my robes and hats,
i was actually...herm....i felt....(scratching the side of her head**)
thats it - nothing.
big ZERO.
i thought it'd be just like any other day.

but now, i can't wait to put on that ugly orange robes...
get reunited with my friends....
i kept picturing those scenes...
where you tossed your hats up up into the air?
okay maybe i watched too many tv. guilty as charged.

Monday, please come faster ;)

Moonshin.

my world part 1

2010-08-02T22:50:00.001-07:00

My newest pieces?...sketches?...
i dunno what to call 'em.

Moonshin.

when girls talk about weddings...

2010-07-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

The front porch, 9:22am (5th July, 2010)

my roommate's friend is staying the night in our room.
she accidentally, left her key inside her room when locking up.
her roommate is away...so here we are,
at 1 a.m.,
3 girls in a clean and neat but yet pitifully, small room.

i'm still working on my assignment,
while they are chatting, lying-in on the bed.

Typical pillow talk scene...
you get the idea.
ever watched 'gilmore girls'? herm....

although, i'm listening to my mp3...
it's hard not to listen in on their conversation.
herm...and out of all the topic in the world...things that they could talk about...
they land themselves on the topic of 'weddings'.
something that you will not find me, ever being associated with. well, at least for now, i think.
my 10 year plan just doesn't have space for a
wedding dress, honeymoon, shoes, make-up,...
no space for Mr. Right.
no time to go looking for one.

while i'm being 'me' - rejecting the idea of me being married,
their chatters gain momentum...
their giggles...i'm sure, could be heard up until the 4th floor...
but still, i find the whole scene... beautiful.
despite me being so dark about it...
i think they are so innocent, care-free, and sweet...they are being 'girls'.
i often forget that weddings also mean future.
it might not the future that i've planned for...
might not be the future that i want...

these two girls have showed me that it is so...for some people.
so i'm going to respect that...

"Hye, guys. i have some cookies and some instant hot chocolate packets here. wanna join me for a late midnight snack?"
"sure. love to"
"great. so what is it that you guys been talking about....."

lots of luv, moonshin ;)
Home...

Me and Facebook

2010-07-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

i was never really a Facebook person before...
and a couple years back, when Friendster was the hot, new thing in town,
i'm the only one in my class without an account.
my big sister did open one for me later on after much arguments...eyes glaring... and after a series of cat-fights...
we settled down on the rug in the living room, with a laptop propped open...
deciding what to put in as my first testimonial...
and who should i ask to be my friend.

honestly, a whole bulk of it was decided by my sis...
the background...the template...the photos....
except the little part where i get to say something about myself.

i enjoyed writing that actually...
and that's how writing has always been for me....
its like...a window? a chance? an opportunity?
a paintbrush to color my already-sketched canvas?
i dunno...but that's how i got hook on to the blogging world.
my feelings and thoughts become much clearer when i have them written down.
like a computer after being defragmented.

anyhow, Facebook is now part of my everyday routine.
it gets lonely you know, without the usual crowd...
and especially, when your classmates are now all about the same age as your aunties and uncles...
i get along with them fine...but there are things that i just couldn't share with them...
our minds are in the same continuum...
one pole points to being realistic and another points to being idealistic.
they are more prone to be realistic whereas i am still deciding where to draw the line between the two.

so...yeah...guys, don't be surprise if you found me on FB.
the disease has got to me as well.

;)luv moonshin.

looking but not really seeing

2010-07-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

suddenly, i feel old....
sitting here in front of the computer...
going through library 101...again.
my lecturer makes it compulsory - damn.
the lady in front, keep talking,
with me not really listening.

some things i already know,
a lot of things - i don't.

thus, from 9.00am to 11am...
me, in the lab...
i'm looking but not really seeing.

precious "words"

2010-07-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

by oldskool devil (flickr.com)

if you look back on your past memories,
what will be the most vivid to you?
The people? The background? The sound?
Perhaps, there was music...the song?

what comes clear to mind when u tried to remember that one important day in your life?
say a birthday...is it the taste of the melting chocolate cake in your mouth?
is it the smiles and laughter of the people around you?

on your graduation day...is it the tears at the corner of your mother's and father's eyes? or is it the feeling that came rushing through as you threw your hat into the air with your friends?

For me, it's words.
as i recalled memories, the people's faces or the place might have faded a little in my mind's eyes...but the words...
i will not forget them.
They are spoken by those who are important to me...for me.
in acts of kindness and love to make me feel better...to give me courage...to give me hope...
to make me feel appreciated...to show concerns....
So yes, for me it's the words.

"you'll get your chance, just be excellent as you've been..."
"love you...all the best for your MA..."
"thank you for being my teacher..."
"you can do it. i have faith in you..."
"i named you with double A in your name because you are special..."
"don't forget to eat k? Love you..."
"i have high hopes for you...."
"don't forget me..."

understanding 'me'

2010-07-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

from yahoo.com.

i got a free ride from the taxi uncle today (this is a big deal, trust me. they are hardly a generous species).
and you know what, out of all the subjects that i've taken as an undergrad,
psychology...time and time again, proves to be the most useful of them all.

a little poke there...gives him a warm smile (don't over do it, u don't want him to think that u are hittin' on him)...
analyze his age...decipher his personality...
most important of all, let him do the talking.

Yep, 'the successful story of my sons and daughters' are what most of the 'taxi uncles' like to talk about.
and i can understand why.
I don't mind listening to them...kind of remind me of my old folks at home.

but today, i hardly listened...
there's something that's been bugging me all week, you see.
i guess, the taxi uncle could sniff the problem off me...
all of a sudden, he asked me for my birthday date.
"24th of February. Nothing special, why you asked?".
"I see...you have some concerns about your parents..."

what the hell?
that is sooooo true...i just gaped at him.

"huh?"
"You used to be a naughty girl...caused a lot of problems and worries for your parents when your are little...are we getting close?"
"Well, no. i'm never naughty...i was..."
"that's okay, but now you know better and that's all there is to it".

He dropped me off at my college and i handed him the money.
"No need. It's okay, it's been fun talking to you"
I smiled (really smiled this time) and said thanks.

Honestly, i used to be a very 'difficult' child...and that's just putting it mildly.
i can't control my emotions and i don't understand them.
but now that i do, i think i'm living life better.

all of these emotions that i'm feeling...ten times stronger than most people...
it's just who i am...

I can't change my routines because it makes me feel disoriented and uncomfortable - i like to feel prepared at all times.
I can't have noise or people talking to me in the morning - whatever emotions or confusions that i had in my dreams when i was sleeping still lingers in my mind.
it feels so real sometimes, i have problems telling my brain that it's not.
I don't like people touching my stuff or go to my room without permission - i always know and 'see' their trails all over them.
I can't talk about what's bothering me - because i don't know how.
I can't seem to be able to tell stories properly most of the time - because it seems like my mouth can't keep up with my mind.
I can't read without my mp3 - because i need something to distract my 'other brain' that seems to always wants to draw, take pictures, make clothes, etc.

Despite my grades, i'm a slow learner - i listen hard in class, but i hardly remember it afterwards.
i only managed to get all of my ABC at 9 and reading came later after that.
Whenever i have an emotional blow, my heart 'literally' hurt and in pain.
One time, i had a big fight with my Mom - i thought i'd die.

I love black the most - because i feel like i could be at least a little bit cheerful than the color that i'm wearing.
That's why my drawings and pictures that i took were all in black and white.

i don't need to know the lyrics or translations of Korean or Japanese songs - because i always know the meanings just by listening to them.
once when i was a little. there was this one song that my big sister and i really liked. we listened to it on the radio but we never saw the clip. we really wanted to see what's the clip looked like...we talked about it all the time. i was so obsessed about it that i dreamed about it.
When the clip was finally on tv, guess what, it's exactly the same as the one in my dream.

Mom, sorry for all the troubles (morning episodes)...i just hate school and didn't want to go at all.
Let alone tuition.
Dad, sorry for all the troubles too (evening episodes)...i just...didn't know how to go to sleep by myself.
and sorry too for the hospital episodes and whatnots.

and even this morning, before going back to UKM. You shouldn't have ironed my clothes for me, Dad.
it's sweet that you did...and i know that you just wanted to help...
Still, it changed my routine...
But i was okay...i'm trying to understand little by little these pieces of me.
i'm learning to 'bend' where it is necessary...and not let it bothers me too much.

Right now, i've learned that a lot pieces of me am grateful to you both.
i want to be independent fast and be useful and helpful to you...
i never knew that such feelings existed before.

these feelings...they used to confuse me to such a point that they also affect you.
but i'm okay now.
and that's all there is to it.

p/s
recently, it comes to my knowledge that others who have feelings like mine tend to do 'stupid' things. I am grateful that mine can be directed to more 'useful' and 'healthy' purposes. Hope there'll be light for those 'lost souls'....

Bitter song

2010-07-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

All i need is a bitter song...
to make me feel better.

All i need to see is sad faces...
to make me feel better.

All i need is rain...
to make me stop crying in vain.

All i need is the world to keep spinning...
or else, my time will stop.

All i need is a bitter song...

i am a chameleon

2010-07-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ever had that one lesson in school,
where the teacher asks you to pick one object that best describes you?
my answer then is no longer important...
but the 'me' who i am now,
i'll say that i am a chameleon.
i think that creature describes me perfectly.

i used to think that i am the biggest hypocrite in the world.
i used to think that i don't have an identity.
one minute, i am the funny gal...one minute, the quiet lone ranger.
i am a bit of everything and i tend to change according to the people around me.
that sucks...
i used to think that what i am at home is the real me...
i thought i am 100% me around family...

You know that cliche thing...saying how we go around
wearing masks?
i used to be one of them.
even though i am only writing about this on my blog and am talking to myself inside my head,
but it still sounds downright lame.

but after that 3 weeks of Dark Ages...
now, i know that being a chameleon is my identity.
it's not a bad thing...
i can use it to my advantage.

think about it.
i am a chameleon.
what are you?

not-so-perfect world

2010-06-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

when you see a little girl sitting by the side of the road - crying
and all the while clutching her bruised arm...
in a perfect world,
you would say, "Oh, she must have fallen from her bike...".

in a not-so-perfect world,
we would usually say a whole different things altogether.
a lot of possible explanations pop into our heads...
for example, something that associates with the word "abuse", "mistreated", etc.

in a perfect world,
one would usually feel happy receiving 4-flat and even a chance to further study into Master level...
like i said, "in a perfect world".
if in a drama, the gal just pack her bag and boom! graduate with flying colors.

in a not-so-perfect world,
there are a lot of loops to jump through...
and the biggest pain being the Vitamin M...
MONEY. Hahahahaha....
Let's just say its settled (thanks to Mom and Dad),
comes in new problems - popping up like mold on a Gardenia bread.
Haahahaha...it's funny.

I'm waiting for the college office to open after lunch,
so that i could beg them to let me stay next semester.
great...

i really don't care actually.
whatever. i'll think of something.

The not-so-perfect life crap is over-rated, if you asked me.
it's just life.

so, i WILL finish my Master,
no matter what.

long vacation

2010-06-09T23:16:00.000-07:00

Herm...she looks like a nice lady...
i think i'll be fine studying under her..

just met my supervisor a couple of minutes ago.
July seems so much nearer when looking at it
from this half-part of the year.
one more month, one more new chapter in life.

feels as though the one month of hell i suffered...
like an illusion...
gone like a wisp of smoke in a magician's cheap show in Vegas.

I drowned in a chamber of self-loathing...
anger, disappointment, ...
my sense of pitiful-insecurity and shamed...
have been shadowing me all this time,
finally came crashing down, in ways i couldn't comprehend...
sending big tsunamis and hurricane...
washing and scraping my little heart, bare and raw.

for a while there, i lost my sense of self.
i'm nothing but a vessel with no soul.
a heart but with no words.
like a robot without the batteries..
lifeless, and limp.
Defeated.

nothing went in or out of me.
almost like the other half of me had died...

today i laugh with everyone else.
like i said before, it's hard not to,
when you're with your friends.

but as i received a news from home today...
i don't know...it's as if the 'switch' is suddenly turned off.

am i cured?
am i pretending that's everything is pretty on the outside,
when the color of my blouse - black - is how i really feel inside?

do i want people to know that i am not happy?
do i want them to understand?
what can they do even if they knew?
doesn't change anything.

i'm still trying to figure myself out.
but as for now, i just do what and live out how i feel inside.
if i got no appetide, then fine, starve.
if i feel like bitching, then fine, be horrible.
if i feel like being dead, then fine, be dead.
stop being.

i'm on a 'long vacation' away from life.
away from 'me'.

one less lonely girl...

2010-06-08T03:38:00.000-07:00

right now, at this moment...
while i'm writing away on this post...
using a borrowed notebook i got from the faculty...
my head and shoulder is moving according to the beat of
"one less lonely girl" from justin bieber.

never a fan of his...but this... one song is exceptional.
suits the mood... my mood just right.

just a couple of hours ago, i never thought i will ever again...
but i did.
yes, i'm sure...
there's one less lonely girl in this world.

moonshin.

Moonshin's note

2010-05-12T05:41:00.000-07:00

Hi, all.

i feel like i've been writing about the same thing over and over again. Haha! Please accept my apology, because i'm still in that 'vitamin C's-graduation' kind of mood, if ya know what i mean. Huhu...But i'll settle down soon. i think so...hopefully....
Haaaaa~

Lots of luv,
Moonshin.

as i plucked down the last star....

2010-05-12T05:23:00.000-07:00

Even as I hugged each one of my friends goodbye…
Even as we cried together that fateful night…
Somewhere, deep in my heart…
I was hopeful, in denial – believed whole-heartedly that it was not forever.
We might occasionally bump into each other.
Meet up at weddings, bearing presents and exchange stories.
There’s also the convocation to look forward to…
And of course, the reunions.
But things will never be the same again. I know.
And that pains me.

No more midnight outings for ice-creams…
No more gossips over lunch together…
No more trips to malls to check out new arrivals…
No more drooling over Korean idols in the evenings…

I wouldn’t be able to give opinions on your new clothes…
I wouldn’t be able to buy you ice-creams when you’re sad…
I wouldn’t be able to give you a pat on the back when you deserved it…
I wouldn’t be able to ‘laugh openly’ at your jokes…
Since my SMS couldn’t deliver my voice to you...
cause I am here whereas,
You are there.

As i plucked down the last star from the ceiling,
on my last night at campus as an undergrad...
it finally dawned on me...
the overwhelming feeling of something coming to an end.

As i plucked down the last star from the ceiling,
i also made a wish that the end also marked a new beginning...
new chapter in life...
and of course, another day to spend, playing under the sun
with all of you, my friends.

Anchor

2010-04-28T10:04:00.001-07:00

Do you have an ‘anchor’ in the ‘outside world’?
Well, I have… but only a few.
They scatter around my perimeter,
creating safe zones – places, I can call my own.
And in times, anchoring me from unpredictable waves of reality.

And Dr. J is one of that anchors…
She has been one, ever since the first day I stepped into the lecture hall.
I remember writing her a note on that day…
Insisting to be included in her tutorial.
For her birthday last month, I put together a little ‘something’ in front of her room…
There were colorful balloons with ribbons…
A banner with ‘Happy Birthday Dr. J’ written on them…
And a card with my wishes and lyric of a song that I dedicated to her.
But I didn’t put my name on it though…
I just wanted others to know…
So that she could receive lots of wishes and love on her special day.
Anyway, she phoned me the next day saying…
“I know it’s you. You’ve made my day…”
I met her today at work.
She kissed my cheeks twice before we said goodbye…
To me, she’s my only teacher.

I have a single-track mind, you see.
I focus on my study and I do my own things, my way.
Believe me when I say…
it’s hard to be so, without a friend around to be your anchor.
Yat is my anchor among the many familiar faces of friends.
If you are reading this, Yat, please don’t go repeating this in front of my face.
I’d die of embarrassment. Hahahahaaa!
She’s the one I’d call to share my days’ stories…
She’s the one I’d call when I’m hungry and needed food… ;)
She’s the one I’d call when I’m happy or sad…
She’s the one I’d call when I want to go shopping…
She’s the one I’m most comfortable with…
No pretence. No lies.
She’s my anchor without a doubt.

Syud, my old roommate came to my room today.
Yes, she’s also another one of my anchor.
We’ve shared so much memories together of life in college.
I still remember creeping around in the dead silent night…
We fried some instant ‘prawn cekodoks’ using her multi-purpose cooker,
at 12 midnight…laughing, chatting, gossiping and sharing secrets…
We spent so many nights, just lying awake, talking to each other…
She’s the only friend who has ever had a sleepover at my house.
She will forever be, one of my anchors.

Do you have friends that no matter what they do, you just can’t bring
yourself to hate or to be mad at them?
I have many of those and one of them is also another anchor of mine.
Syamim has been around ever since my high school days.
We’ve gone our separate ways but we still keep track of each other.
It’s weird how every time I hang out with her, it’s like…
We’ve never been apart at all…
It’s like being back in high school days all over again.
She is the anchor that connects the past and the present ‘me’.

You know, writing this down has made me realized that,
to be and to feel accepted is important.
I am who I am and I can be who I want to be because I have
my anchors around for support when my family is out of reached.
I have also realized that to ‘classify’ a person as my anchor…
Doesn’t need so much of a ‘qualification’ than a reaching hand for me
to hold and be friends.

So, to all of my friends,
thank you for being a part of this world.
With you guys in it, everything is so much fun, colorful and full of joy.
I hope we’ll stay friends forever.
Let us not be strangers the next time we meet again.
Bye for now.

Lots of Luv, Moonshin.

with the moon

2010-04-26T22:12:00.001-07:00

It has been very hot lately.
The usual loitering around the room has become considerably unbearable
because of the heat.
Afternoon nap…
will have you drenched in sweat in minutes.
So, I’ve been doing my work late into the night in anticipation of cooler surroundings.
Somehow, my brain disengaged when it’s hot.
As if…
it hibernated when the environment becomes too hostile.
I just dozed off – unknowingly.

I start my work around midnight.
Checking and sending emails. Organize and update the files. Search for new info.
Whatever it is that my boss has instructed me to do.
Without realizing it…
My ‘day’ has become my ‘night’….
And the moon is in the place of the sun.
The moon is my sun…
at the moment.

I enjoy working while listening to songs.
Last night, I listened to only Spitz.
Occasionally, glancing at the open-window…
The moon seemed closer with the passing time…
I know it’ll soon disappear behind those hills in the background…
It’ll be invisible in the presence of the sun.

But that’s okay cause I know it’s there – just hidden.
I might be out here alone but I have my family.
They are like the moon – always there.
So, I’ll walk on tomorrow, always with the moon.

what i have is small

2010-04-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

Mom,
I wish I could buy that Timberland handbag for you…
So you could brag and show it to your friends when you go
for your usual morning trips – selling cakes and rice up at the stalls joint.
You said that it’s a hassle to have a handbag around…
But, I know better.

Dad,
I wish I could take you out on trips across the world.
So you could exchange stories among friends…
Have new experiences to talk about…
I know retirement does not suit you because
the usual light behind your eyes is often absent these days.
Yes, I can tell.

Sis,
I wish I could buy you new clothes when you start your new job.
Lil Sis,
I wish I could buy you tons of delicious things to eat all the time,
and not just occasionally….

I wish I could bring better gifts with me for my students this coming Saturday.
We are getting together again after a long time…
But all that I could bring with me are cheap key chains.

I know that I’m not that good of a person.
I’m not empathic…I’m almost always make trouble for everyone.
I’m of no used in many things…

But please know that…
Even though, what I have is small…
Even though, all that I can give right now is next to nothing…
Please accept them with an open heart…
Family, friends and my students…
I’m grateful to all of you.

Thank you.

getting used to...

2010-04-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

Unlike what everybody else is saying...
'getting used to anything' is difficult.
at least, that is how i feel.

i'm old now, i know...
there are certain expectations people imposed on us when we get to this stage in life.
whether we've agreed to it...
whether we like it or not.

people younger than me - my juniors - expect me to know all the nooks and cranny of campus life...
they say that i must be getting used to 'things' as a senior undergrad...
...used to get in front and do the presentations...
...used to sit in exams and get As...
...so used to everything that my life is like a walk in the park to them.
but in actuality, i am not used to anything.

everything needs - if not a lot - a little courage.

i expected that, after 4 years of living outside the comforts of home,
i'll be getting used to coming home and then, leaving it after a period of time...
but no.
there is this tight feeling in my stomach every time the bus started to move...
...every time, i kissed my parents' hands goodbye...
...the first few seconds, when i found myself alone in my room back at campus...
i'm not used to anything.

the only thing that i'm getting used to is...
how life's getting harder as you get older.
i'm not saying it as a bad thing...
just letting you guys know, that life's can be a bitch at times.(LOL)

it'll take efforts and courage every time...
i don't think that it is a bad way to live life.
a bit stressful, i guess.
but 'getting used to something' tends to make you take things for granted, don't you think?
herm....

night and day

2010-03-31T14:48:00.001-07:00

Night and day.
The difference is so little…
of a word…
In the absence of light.

But the feelings they invoke,
when alone…. is indescribable.

Riding this bus back to college…
…9.30 pm…
Passing by… lighted little windows…
I’ve never felt more alone.
Even the songs that I listen to on my mp3,
Failed – to fill in the surrounding emptiness.

waiting...

2010-03-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

A good day at work

2010-03-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

SMS exchanged between Moonshin and her Dad. She just got back from a meeting – still exhilarated from the day’s work, she sent her Dad a SMS.

Moonshin : Had a great day today at work…I think, I belong here.
Dad : what do yow alk do. Lt sounds so interesting.
Moonshin : Couldn’t understand a word…English plzz…
Dad : What did you do today to make it sounds so great?

Moonshin felt like an idiot. She uses perfect-spelled words every time with Mom and Dad so that they could understand. But at that time, she felt she was playing the fool. Not such a great day for Dad…maybe. Anyhow, Moonshin continued with her explanation – blissfully unaffected by the hint of sarcasm in Dad’s reply.

Moonshin : Oh, just the usuals I guess. But I’m more used to it by now. Dr. B’s praise being the major factor…I can see myself striving really hard in this line of work… I get along well with the other RAs… We joke around, order in Pizza huts for lunch and then, to continue working again. I like this atmosphere.
Dad : Oh I see. I am happy for you too.

It ended here – short and sweet – because Moonshin had forgotten that her credit was running pretty low after that phone call to Pizza hut…Damn…

............................................................................

just received an email...
i might have to go oversea sooner than i think,
to work on the research.

been watching a lot of planes up in the sky lately...
i'm getting on one soon.
just the thought of it...
the thought of being able to learn and experience new things,
.....can't find a good enough word to describe how i feel inside.
but yeah, i'm happy and look forward to it.

always keep the faith.

Sunsets from my window Part 3

2010-03-04T05:43:00.000-08:00

life is driving me up the wall.
seriously, i'm nuts.
I thought, being a research assistant is easy...
i thought...sure, i could balance everything...
between assignments, projects and work...boy, was i ever wrong.
oh, yeah. and private life. Forgot about that for a moment there.
Phew!

i am a giant ball of stress.
but the odd thing is i am happy.
i found myself at ease on top of all of these mess!
Stress-out and at ease at the same time?????
now, i'm not even making sense.

but i do know that being busy and stress-out mean
i am working on something meaningful - i'm working for my future and...
my dream.
i am moving one step further on that ladder, baby!
already, submitted my master application...
will be graduating on August...oh yeah, need to update my photo...
don't want that DUCK face appear on screen.huhuhuhuhu...

i guess that,
we need to have faith, not just when the 'miracles' happened...
but also when they don't.

enjoy your day ;)

happy 23rd

2010-02-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

Happy 23rd...24th February, 2010.

really had a blast today.
went shopping with yat at sungei wang...
we really painted the town red.

got a brand-new wedges...haa...i'm lovin' it!
blouses and cute dresses...
pit stop at McD for burgers and drinks.

and now...i'm reading posts on my FB wall.
happy birthday wishes echo in all of them...
thank you so much, guys.

....LOL ;)

Invisible snow

2010-02-20T21:51:00.001-08:00

It has been raining all through the night…
So cold…all windows fogged-up.
Lucky, had some sense to put on a sweater before going out…
Also one of the days to be thankful for wearing sneakers
instead of flip-flops.

Outside…
Buildings and trees look blurry …
the sun glint faintly in a corner…
few people wonder the streets – still early, just a little over 7.00am.
The sky just a barren stretch of white.
Almost no sign of activity except,
for the people inside the train
The occasional sound of rustling pages as newspaper being turned…
Ridiculous ring tones keep vibrating through the air annoying the rest…
Someone yawning and thumping – impatient to get off the train.

Three giggly girls bounce in at the next stop and along with them
a rush of noises and incomprehensible language…
A remix of English, Tamil and Malay.

Someone’s Grandma keeps throwing furtive looks their way
while a crisp-suit woman stares them down like an inspector at custom…

Too sloppy for you, huh? I guess your right…But honey, yours no better.
Lay easy on the eyeliner, dear,
you look like a panda from here…

I imagine, the world without sound must be like
the one outside, right now.

Is there a sound for falling snow?
Like the rain’s….
Sound faintly like cereal being poured into a bowl…
Yes, the swoosh and also the cold.
How about snow though?
Of course, ‘thud’ onto the roof and gutter…
As they hit the windows and porches.
But as they came down…there’s no sound, is there?

Dunno… Never experienced snow season before…
Wish someday…
Alone, threading in the snow along the walks in Korea,
drinking up the beauty of white and silver blanket’s of the world.

i'm an incurable dunce

2010-02-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

All of my friends have this special ability to create facts
out of thin air.
Like Copperfield exchanging the audiences’ panties without permission…
It could create quite a mayhem, believe me.
They love to imagine things, I guess…
It’s just that sometimes,
their imagination got way off the grid – really way off.

For example, the fact that I am single.
Is that so hard to believe?
LOL!
They saw me with a friend at last year Raya gathering,
And they can’t seem to stop taking the mickey out of me.
And that was last year’s piece of evidence.
Oh, boy…

It’s not that I’m not searching…
Hey, I always keep my eyes peel for the One…
Okay, maybe…just once in a while…
when I am not thinking anything inside my head…
Difficult for me to notice someone outside my range of…
…‘vision’?

One time, I bumped headlong into the lamp post at the faculty.
I just missed things when I am not making an effort to really see them.
Too focus with the things inside my head…
and what’s with the mp3 playing in my ear – enhancing the ‘drifty’ mood…
Haaaa~
Didn’t even start on the number of stairs I’ve…
let’s not talk about that, shall we?

I have some loose screws issues, huh?
I am an incurable dunce.
I don’t know how to read these ‘signals’ from boys.
Like in the ‘Last Message’ post…
Well, you all know how it goes.
There’s a lot more of that kind of stories in my book…

This thing needs a lot of work.
I think, I’ll stick to being single a while longer.
Hhihhiihihihh ;)

some of my favorite songs...

2010-02-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

Mariah Carrey – Always be My Baby

“We were as one, babe…for a moment in time…
And it seems everlasting that you will always be mine.
Now, you wanna be free, so I let you fly…
Coz I know in my heart, babe, our love will never die, no…”
***

Corinne Bailey Rae – Put Your Records On

“Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong but it’s alright.
The more things seem to change…the more they stay the same.
Don’t you hesitate…”
***

Stacie Orrico – I Promise

“Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, will I be that one you need?”
***

Janet Jackson – Together Again

“When I feel that I don’t belong – draw my strength –
from the words when you said, ‘Hey, it’s alright baby’
‘It’s deeper inside you baby’
***

Shania Twain – You Got a Way

“You got a way with me…
Somehow you got me to believe.
In everything that I could be…I gotta say, you really got a way”
***

Brandy – Have You Ever

“Have you ever had someone steal your heart away?
You give anything to make them feel the same.
Have you ever search for words to get you in their hearts?
But you don’t know what to say and you don’t know where to start.
***

Desree’ – Life

“I’m a superstitious girl.
I’m the worst in the world.
Never walked under ladders, I keep the rabbit’s tail.
I’ll take you up on a deer, anytime, anywhere,
Name the place, I’ll be there, bungee-jumping I don’t care.
***

Celine Dion & Clint Black – When I Fall in Love

“When I fall in love…
It will be forever or I’ll never fall in love…”

***

Heart feels heavy.

2010-02-08T05:01:00.000-08:00

Heart feels heavy.
Throat feels dry – fill with unspoken words.
Shoulder sags under invisible burden…
Dragging you down.

When you feel like crying…
Don’t hold it in, just cry.

Breath shortens.
The eyes blink in warm anticipation.
First drop. Then, the second.
Just let it all out.
It will be alright.

Wind will come soon and blow the rainy clouds away.
Tomorrow, the sun will shine only for the brighter.
Don’t be afraid.
If you fall down, all you got to do is to stand up again.

There will be a smile at the end of the tears.
Have hope. Hang in there.

p/s: what do you think of my photos? i love taking photos of little children even though i'm actually pretty bad when it comes to children - just don't know what to do....LOL.

Last weekend...

2010-02-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

30th January, 2010.

The sliding door stood ajar…
The apple-green curtains drawn back a little…
The old clock high on the wall struck 1 in the afternoon,
I was back at home…
and at the time,
lying flat on my back by the door…
With a paper-folded fan in one hand…
my sony-E in the other…
Profusely sweating, and continuously praying,
for the electric to come back on.

I could only see the palm trees from where I was.
The sun was shining so brightly – it made the trees glowed in hallows.
But the sounds and noises from all around me…
Back then, I remembered thinking… “Ah…life is taking place”.
The sound of Mom’s clutters in the kitchen…
Dad with the running hose in the backyard…
Children playing tag next door…
Occasional honking of a van and the
clinging of bells from a bicycle passing-by.

I found myself thinking of my childhood days.
The ‘me’ back then, wouldn’t be lying still and waiting patiently…
Just a couple of hours before…
I went into town with Mom and Dad.
Out of the blue, they bought me new dresses.
So, this is how I am being grateful.

A lot of things have happened in the past…
Sad, happy things…
But I think, I know enough now to say this…
It’s difficult to give up on life – never give up.

A lot of good things will come…and
of this, I am sure.
The ‘evidence’ is still with me till this day – tightly clasped onto my wrist…
Snuggly close around my finger…
A bright, glittering amulet in times of darkness
– a dream came true –
A coming-of-age gift from Mom and Dad.

Yep. Everyday is like a present.
Be it in the form of a sunset…or a text message…
A pat in the back…the “Are you okay?”…
The world is how we ‘look’ at it.

I felt glad coming home that weekend.
From the ice-blended chocolate to the steamed fish…
It is good to be home.

Maybe an hour later or so…
Unknowingly, I drifted off to sleep.
Lying spread-eagled on the marble floor by the door.
Do you want to know something?
The electric came back on as soon as I woke up.
So…no harm done.
Sweating is good for your health, by the way.LOL.

A strong, sweet smell wafted through the whole house…
It’s one of my favorites…
“Mom, are there durians in the kitchen?”
“Yeah, I bought some earlier at the market for you”.

Life is beautiful…

going home...

2010-01-27T23:23:00.000-08:00

I took this picture yesterday.
What with no class for the whole day…
I got a lot of free time on my hands.
It is one of the perks of being a 4th year student.
We loiter and eat all day.
Planning events and thinking of what to wear for the coming college dinner.
Haa~ I don’t feel like going…

Thinking of Jang Geun Suk…
I tried on some eye-liner.
Herm…like I thought…
he looks way better with eye-liner than me.
Haa~ Jang Geun Suk…
My head’s not quite right after watching his movie and drama.
Been listening to his song over and over again…

By the way, I’m going home tomorrow.
Hooray…!
Haven’t been able to, in a long time…
I’m going to buy myself a tall, ice-blended chocolate at the usual place,
as soon as I touchdown.
Yeeeeesss ~
So, see you guys next week! Take care, k?
Buhbyeeee….

Lot’s of luv, Moonshin ;)

sunsets from my window Part 2

2010-01-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

27 January, 2010. At approximately 7.05 pm.

one step that's always missing

2010-01-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

“Just a 12 year old and she’s already published.
Wow….she is great, isn’t she?”
“Yeah…”

“His son is in Ireland – studying medical. He must be so proud…”
“My former student has a daughter and she’s studying in Germany…”
“Oh.”

“I think she has talent in photography – great skills.
What do you think?”
“Herm……”

“His paintings sold for thousands!
I was the one who gave him the push to pursue arts…”
“There’s this fellow who use rust as part of his artworks…
talk about talent and creativity!”

“………..”

Dad, do you know something?
Have you ever notice that every time you talk to me about this kind of stuff…
The light went out from my eyes?

Do you know that your words extinguish what little that has left…
Of fire inside me?

You pour ice and cold water…
I wish you’d stop.
Dad, do you know?
I’m tired of marveling at other people.
I want to be the one people marveled at.
Can’t you see?

All of this talk about past glory…
And what ifs…
They only sadden me more.
I don’t want to blame the situation I’m in.
I don’t want to blame anybody.
I don’t want to blame life.
Stop making excuses…
Can’t you see I’m upset every time you do?

Dad, I wish you’ve given me a different advice.
I know that you want what’s best for me.
But a little show of confidence…
A tiny belief on dreams….

Can’t you at least believe in me?

Living without a dream is like, not living at all.
What I want from life is not just a stable income and a pension…
I want my life to mean something.

What’s wrong with having little to eat?
What’s so wrong for not having a car?
What’s wrong with not having any jewelry?
What’s so wrong about having to work hard?
What’s wrong with having a small place to live in?
What’s so wrong with asking people for help?
What’s so wrong for admitting mistakes and weaknesses?

I am who I am.
I know my own limits…
But, I want to walk my own life…
with my chest up high.

Dad, have your ever stop and pause to see the ‘players’ first,
before looking at the ‘game’ and the ‘result’?
If in American Football…I am not a Quarterback.
or a Runningback. I’m not a Lineman.
I’m neither of these important front players.

Do you know what position I’ll play?
I’ll be the Tight-end.

Yes, I realize it a long time ago…
It’s devastating.
But I believe that even an ordinary person has a special place and role
that only he or she can fill in…
even if it means standing behind a genius.

The way we are now,
our life will always be one step missing.
I believe that there is no such things as too many steps.
It is only that we gave up halfway.

Dad, when we talk,
I never took the second step to make you understand how I feel…
I, at times, forgot that we are different.
I admit that sometimes giving up and be tragically misunderstood
is easier than that of speaking out loud your guts.

But I am saying it now.
And I’m working on it…what I want to do.
I will take the next step.
And also the next after that – no matter how many it takes.

shouldn't have...

2010-01-24T18:02:00.000-08:00

From the very first time,
i should have ignored it.
...shouldn't have done it.

should have ran away.
should have looked the other way.
i should have pretended not to see.
i should have pretended not to hear.
You.
i don't think i should have met you.

should have stopped from the very first time...
shouldn't have bought that card.
shouldn't have sent that message.
shouldn't have sang that song.
shouldn't have told you...

without anything but a smile...
i shouldn't have looked at you.
should have turned away...
should have stopped before it happened.

i thought i'm cured.
i thought the memories have become harmless.
though i am over you,
i can't seem to be able to look at anyone else.
i can't hear...
i can't see...
the way i see you the first time.

i shouldn't have fallen for you...

Things that i love...

2010-01-20T18:57:00.000-08:00

Clover…Vanilla ice-cream…white daisies.
Soap bubbles…mp3…blankets.
White curtains…dry leaves…bicycle rides.
Fresh bread…cream puffs and sugar-coated strawberries.
Books…lavender and white ribbons.
Umbrella…socks and candles.
Rainy days…the sea and the morning dews.

Listing down things that I love…
One triumphs over the rest – the sky.
I love blue sky the best.
So I want to share with you these two video clips…
by my favorite group – TVXQ – Entitle, ‘Kiss the Baby Sky’.
They create smiles… And cure dispirited hearts…
Hope you enjoy them too ;)